Obi Wan's dilemma. Sabé's consequences. Jared's birth : New Hope
After escaping from Vader and Padme, we escape with our lives intact but our own souls in turmoil. Obi Wan leaves to sit in the next room while the ship was on auto pilot. I couldn't help but feeling dejected and hurt from his actions but understood. I knew he was feeling. I could sense his agony on what he has done. The confusion of not knowing who is anymore. His sadness pierces through my heart, I can feel my own heart breaking. In my own weakness for the power to be free from control I had seduced him. I alone helped him tip over the edge of reason and let him give into his own passions. I sat staring out to the stars. I clenched and unclenched my hands . I didn't realize that I was crying until I felt the water hit my hands and my vision blurred. I cried silently not wanting to wake my sleeping daughter. I bury my face into my hands and spend the rest of the journey in silence.
We land on Tatooine to refuel and to form a game plan. We know that Vader and Padme will be after us. Vader wouldn't take our escape lightly.. Obi Wan is still in silence, distraught on over what he has done. I try my best to comfort him and reassure him that everything will be okay. I can sense he feels that he isn't a good person and that he has failed to uphold his title of being a Jedi Knight. I try to tell him that he needs to believe being lost doesn't mean we can never be found. together we will find a way to bring back the balance in our chaotic lives. I tell him that he has a good heart and pure soul. Don't stop believing in hope. I hoped my words would get through to him. I needed him to be strong but I knew he was in no where near of making any rational thoughts. I knew deep down it would be up to me to be the one to hold it together. I had my daughters, Yuna and Fable to look after, my foster children, Fara and Leti and Obi Wan and now our unborn child. I knew it was a heavy burden but I was willing to uphold it to the end for the sake of hope and life.
We decided that we should hide on Kashyyyk. It where I had built my home with Fable's father, Maddox . It was vast and I knew the wookies would protect us. I knew Padme or Vader wouldn't find us here. Both never knew where I lived when I gotten married to Maddox.I never showed Padme or Anakin my home here. I would of chosen Naboo but I knew Padme knew where the secret safe houses I would use there. Considering there were safe house we all used one time or another. Only the royal families knew and she was apart of that family as well as I was. So Naboo was out for us to hide upon. Kashyyyk was a planet with many jungles, forests and valleys. I had one home tucked away in a hidden valley. It was a log home bulit by a large lake. I had many other safe shelters around Kashyyyk. Hidden in caves and underground or deep in the forests. One was actually built into a bunch of trees. Obi Wan and I came up with various plans of escape. With the wookies help in case of invasion we would be able to escape. I wanted to make sure of 2 things. One that everyone escaped. Two that there will be very little or close to none causalities for those who helped us.
We arrived on Kashyyyk. Gathering supplies we made our way to my home. Taking paths and going through forests we finally made it. I take my breath away every time I see it. Maddox had a hand in building it even though it was his mother who first started building the home. Maddox added on more rooms and finished before we gotten married. I loved this home. It's wooden structure, the stones and the smell of the forest. It made me remind of my home planet of Naboo. The forest hugged the house like its was protecting it at all sides. I smiled at Obi Wan's face when he saw the vast house. He had never been here. He was the first Jedi other than Maddox who seen this home in years. The only two other people other than myself and Maddox who knew this place were my friends, Dorme and her husband Xavior. The house had its own well and running water. It had its own garden filled with luscious flowers and vegetables. Fruit trees grew nearby and everything was powered by the solar panels above or through the underground hot-spring that its steam powered the generators. Maddox made this place to be self sufficient, so it was a perfect place to hide. We didn't need to spend much time going to the towns for supplies and we could live here hidden away.
Even through the force Vader couldn't sense us here. I had installed a system to help camouflage our auras from the Empire. It was my own fortress, my way of protecting the people I loved. And right now we needed a strong shell to keep all of safe for now. So the six of us lived on. Passing the days and nights with fishing, berry picking and Jedi training. We had many things to keep our minds occupied. There was food to gather, a garden to tend and Fable's animals to take care of. Between the daily chores and training we had times for fun. Swimming in the water holes or exploring caves it was all fun. Like a family. Something that a Jedi wasn't allowed to have. I felt it was good for Obi Wan to experience.
Obi Wan still every day made some progress in getting back to his old self. I still was able to sense his own struggle for redemption. I knew he wanted to be the man I knew and the father he was about to be. Every night we sat looking out to the stars, scanning their vast skies for the first sign of danger, an invasion of the Empire. On such nights we would spend talking. At first it mostly me doing the talking ...It made me feel better even though Obi Wan sat in silence. I knew he was listening and my hope was that my words would sooth his wounded soul. I spent many nights alone in my bed. I knew Obi Wan was in the other room but he felt like he was miles away. I missed giving him a random hug when ever I wanted. I often watched from afar as he looked over the lake or trained with my children. He often made them laugh and left them in awe as he practiced his light saber training. To watch him walk among Fable's various pets amused him as he watched them follow her around. He tucked in Fable at night and helped Fara, Leti and Yuna into their rooms as they hung off his shoulders or back like a bunch of spider monkeys.
Then one night I had a horrible nightmare. It was raining and thunder roared around us. We were on a ship and the waves were rocking the boat violently throwing us around on the decks. A battle was raging on between Obi Wan and Vader. Light sabers clashed and crackled in the rain as the blade came clashing together. I was struggling to move forward but I got thrown back by Vader's force shove. I hit the side of the ship and could feel my back crack. I struggled to get up but my legs were slow and clumsy. I fumbled for my blaster but a rouge wave knocked it out of my numb fingers. Then as a flash of lighting I watched in horror as I seen Obi Wan being killed by Vader. I screamed and rushed forward to be at his side. I could feel the life slipping out of his body and before I could even do anything I was thrown into darkness. I could hear my children screaming out in fear, wondering where their mother was.
I sat up in my bed. Sweat made my hair cling to my face I quickly moved my hand over my small bump on my abdomen. I fumbled in the darkness for my light and then Obi Wan entered my room... Without words I knew he sensed my fear my emotions. He sat himself next to me letting me fall into his arms and bury my face into his chest. The sound of his heartbeat helped gather my senses and he sat there stroking my hair holding me tight. I clung onto his tunic never wanting to let go. I was afraid of being alone at this moment. I thought he would leave as soon as calmed down but he remained there by my side through out the night and spent every other night sharing my bed since. He never spoke just held me every night knowing that his presence gave me reassurance that he cared about me and that I wasn't alone nor was he about to let me spend a night alone and afraid.
My belly soon swelled large over the passing months. I seen Obi Wan smile more when he was able to feel the first movements of the baby inside the womb. At the same time it brought more anxiety. It made it more real on what we've done. The seduction, the broken vows of a Jedi yet it held hope for redemption . I spent many times talking to Obi Wan hoping he will open up to me again.
"I have failed as a Jedi and i have failed as Sith. if i am not either of those, then what am I? a failure. that is what I am and I feel ashamed and terrible for my actions. I can blame only myself. I will be there for you,Sabé and my child because that is the right thing to do, and I will love you with all my heart, but I still will always hate myself for turning to the Darkside. There are no excuses for what I did. no excepts. no ands, ifs, or buts. it is what it is. what is done is done. I cannot change the past, I can only live in the present. the future is constantly in motion, but I remain mindful of it, even though I focus on the here and now. The here and now being you and my child. I hope I can prove to them that I am good person, with a good heart, just with a troubled and lost soul. I continue to cry silently and face my inner demons and sorrows. I try to drown my sorrows but they have learned to swim. surrounding me, going down on me, spilling over the brim of my very soul. I am lost, I no longer know who I am. I was Obi-Wan Kenobi, a highly respectable Jedi Master. I was Darth Kirean, a Dark Lord of the Sith, but now, now I am neither, so the question is who am I? I want to return to being Obi-Wan Kenobi, but will that be possible after all that has happened? only time will be able to tell at this point...Sabé...we both are...just a little lost right now...that is all..." Obi Wan confessed to me one night.
"Being lost doesn't mean we can never be found. together we will find a way to bring back the balance in our chaotic lives. I believe in you. You have a good heart and pure soul. Don't stop believing in hope." I said . The night was clear and many stars dotted the sky scape.
"I will not give up. I will not give up for you or our child. I will keep searching for the real me. and together we can find ourselves once again, i hope. you are strong person Sabé, and I admire your strength. " he said half smiling to me. I could sense his feelings of hurt and woe , I reached for his hand and gave it a reassuringly squeeze.
"I know the real you. It's the man I spent my days walking by your side and the nights sleeping dwelling in your dreams. This child has given us a bond that no Empire or Jedi code can break. A bond of blood made out of love is a bond that will be our light and lead us back out of darkness." I said in a low tone as I rested my head on his shoulder.
"I guess our child is our only hope for redemption then...we must show our child the good people we were once before, for the child's sake. But Vader said I was weak. Weak in giving into my own selfish desires. I broke the code of the Jedi. I allowed myself give in. Maybe Vader is right I have no right in calling myself a Jedi." Obi Wan sighed deeply. He was troubled.
"Vader's words are false. You are not weak. We are only human. Giving into our emotions and relishing in the passion and love we have for each other is not a horrible thing. Letting others like Vader want to kill the life that has yet begun to live is wrong. I will remain at your side as long as you want to keep me there. Always seize the brightest moments, because you never will know when they will come around again. Cherish your life among us who love and care for you. You are loved, and a person who is loved can never be lost" I said moving in closer, I could see the tear trickling down his face in the star light. I gently wiped them away with my hand.
"I will always want you and our child at my side. you are the only ones I have left who still actually love and care about me as I do you and our child." He said with a half smile as he took my hand into his. He kissed my palm and held tightly.
"I am sure you have many others who still are on your side Obi Wan, this child, myself and Fable aren't the only ones in this vast world who loves you. Believe in yourself. I never thought of you as a bad person. We are human filled with emotions. We take in the bad with the good. the pleasure with the pain. How can anyone know love if they never felt hate? How can we know happiness if we never felt sadness? You don't have to hold in your emotions when you are around me. I love it when you are open and free with me. It makes me feel safe and loved that you are willing to show me your true self in my presence" I said as I drew up my free hand and pointed to his chest.
"I know...at this point I am just afraid to trust my emotions. They betrayed me before. And it will take a while for me to trust myself again, but just give me time, and I am sure everything will fall into place. It always does." He sighed again.
"Your feelings are true. Trust in your heart it will always speak the truth. Don't be afraid of your own gut. I know in time you will heal. And I am here for you every step of the way. You proved to me enough that you are good soul. You didn't follow Vader's orders to kill me and our child. You fought against what was wrong. You put my life and this baby's before yours. You are my shinning knight. I am not afraid to be at your side. I will never fear you. My heart has nothing but pure love for you. Don't be afraid to trust in yourself." I spoke, it was hurting me so much that he was in so much pain and turmoil.
"I know I can be good again. I just have to find that good person again. And thank you. I really do not know what I would do if I did not have you to guide me through my struggles. You will always have a place dear in my heart, no matter what." He said taking both of my hands and held them to his chest. I could feel his heart beating.
"It's not about finding the good but believing that you are already good. Life is filled with struggles. Living is hard dying is easy. Our challenges shape us mold us into being better people we ever hope to be. We struggle because we want to reach that higher level in ourselves. We reach for the highest branch , we crawl out of darkness to find that place nearest to the light. This baby was made out of love between two people who were strong enough to give into their deepest of passions. This baby will prove to the world that there is hope and love under this reign of Vader's rule." I looked up at him. God did I love him so much, "Besides you would of just crashed landed that ship somewhere and lopped off limbs in the first bar you wandered in" I added jokingly.
"You are right...you are always right. And we will prove to the galaxy that love and goodness will always prevail." Obi Wan kissed my lips again. I inhaled deeply and drew him close to my body. I ran my fingers through his thick hair.
"And I only lop of limbs of those who are trying to kill me" he added. I laughed at loud. So loud that Fable my little daughter woke up and wandered out to see where Obi Wan and I were at.
"What's the joke?" she said in her sleepily 3 year old voice.
"Nothing, but going to toss you back into bed little one" Obi Wan teased as he picked up Fable into his arms. She laughed out loud as his beard brushed against his face.
"Obee Wan, don't worry. Vader is very wrong. You aren't bad. You are good." she said. Obi Wan smiled at her words as he looked over to me. I shrugged my shoulders as I gave him a look. Mind reader, I mouthed the words to him. Obi Wan kept forgetting that my 3 year old inherited telepathic abilities from her father, Maddox.
"I know sweetie, and thank you." as he kissed her brow after tucking her into bed.
Our talks went on and I hoped it would get to Obi Wan. I hoped my words would hold meaning and help him heal his tormented soul inside as well it was healing my own. We begun to spend our nights together and in the day he was close besides me. Fable grew to accept Obi Wan as her father figure and Fara liked having Obi Wan as her teacher. Fara often made remarks that Obi Wan taught her better and was more easy on her with her training. Leti and Yuna often liked to show off to Obi Wan their own skills. Yuna with her summoning Aeons and Leti with her shape shifting ability often amused him many times. Our little make shift family on Kashyyyk. I often found myself wishing the rest of my life would be like this but I knew that this won't last very long with the Empire in power. But for now I relished and took in every moment I had with those I loved the most. Soon it was near the time of the birth.
I felt the first contractions in the early morning. I was out getting water out to feed the animals nearby when I first pain. I cried out and dropped the bucket of water. Obi Wan who was meditating heard my cries and rushed outside. He found me hunched over in pain. I felt the dampness on my skirts knowing that my water had broke. Obi Wan carried me inside and laid me on the bed. I spent hours while the contractions began to come faster. Obi Wan did his best in the situation. He used the force to help ease some of the pain. But that didn't stop me from screaming out. Fara had taken Fable outside during this. Yuna went and gathered up medical supplies and brought them into the room before she was shooed away by Obi Wan. She knew better to be around at a time like this. Fara occupied Fable with her pets while Leti and Yuna went to alerted the wookies of my situation. They would stand guard and would protect us if an attack occurred. They had a plan to make sure we would escape if Vader invaded right now.
I was afraid. I knew I was helpless right now in protecting those I loved. I was scared. Terrified. I struggled to remain calm. I knew we were safe. The wookies knew what to do if danger arose. But still I was worried. My fears subsided, I could feel Obi Wan's presence. He was doing his best to help me keep my sanity. I concentrated on labor. I needed to concentrate on my breathing and begun to time the contractions. I managed to press my lips together and managed not to scream out in pain less. Sweat dribbled down my back and face. Obi Wan was a good partner/ He wiped my face and held my hand. I felt a sense of calm from him and it helped pass the time. Finally after hours of labor I felt the baby emerge from my body. Obi Wan was able to catch the baby and we discovered we had a son. I felt tears of happiness as I heard the first cries of our son. Obi Wan brought him to my side where I touched the side of his little face. We decided to name him Jared.
I looked up at Obi Wan smiling. I could feel that now he would be getting the motivation he needed to become whole once more. Our son was here. Living breathing in his arms. Obi Wan helped clean me and Jared up before I called for the girls to come in with Fable so they could see their new baby brother. Fable toddled in and made a face and poked a finger at her baby brother. She gave me a face that said "did I look like that when I was born?" I laughed and let her climb onto the bed. Obi Wan gave me Jared and I held my little son in my arms. While Jared nursed Fable kept staring at him. Fara, Leti and Yuna gushed on how small and tiny he was. Obi Wan sat nearby. I wished I knew what was on his mind but all I could pick up was happiness and relief. I fell asleep soon afterwards. I couldn't read Obi Wan's thoughts as he took Jared from my sleeping arms. But I drifted off to sleep with the last image of him leaning over Jared's crib smiling. I could only imagine the words he spoke to our son. I felt my eyes close but I sensed one last thing before slumbering off: Peace. I felt peace within Obi Wan's soul. Knowing that peace was there I knew he was well on the right road in recovering his soul.