He had told her that he wasn't afraid of anything. That was a lie. A huge lie. He was afraid of many things before the end of the world and after it.
His fears before were about him ending like his father; ending up as a good for nothing son of a bitch. He feared for Merle and his knack for getting into trouble and his use of drugs. He feared people seeing his scars and drawing pity on him. He absolutely hated pity and didn't need anybody's. He abhorred the idea that others would feel compassion and sorrow for him. They didn't know what he had been through, probably never would, and he hated the fact that they thought that their sadness for him would help him in anyway.
Come the end of the world and he still held many of his old fears but they had lessened over the years. He had grown a lot thanks to the apocalypse and he didn't really fear he would turn like his father so much; he got to see that he was plenty different from his old man. Merle, well Merle was dead, he didn't have to fear or worry about him no more.
Now, though, he feared for walkers and the dangers they ensued. He feared for his extended family members and their lives. He feared for their stock of supplies and their lack of. And before he found her, and quickly lost her after, he feared for Beth. He feared for her a lot, more than he feared his abusive father he supposed.
You could say that when the prison fell, he didn't care much about her. He was detaching himself to prevent himself from feeling the loss he had just suffered. He worked in auto pilot those first few days after the prison fell. He did what he knew he needed to do. He killed walkers that were to close for his liking. He hunted for food, shelter, and looked for any supplies that would help them pointlessly still live. And he "tracked" to see if he could find his family, though he did that more for Beth's sake, he truly believed that all the others were dead. He had lost all hope that they would've survived the whole ordeal that the Governor had brought.
However, then the search for a drink began, and he made it his purpose to have her first drink not be peach schnapps. He then took her to the moonshine cabin, they played that game, yelled at each other (well he yelled, she reasoned), and basically changed everything.
After they burnt the moonshine cabin, and subsequently his past, that's when he truly started to feel way more for her. Before she was more of another person to keep alive, she was another mouth to keep fed and to protect. After the prison fell, she was just a reminder of who and what they lost. Looking at her, after the prison fell only brought him sadness and anger. Looking at her after the cabin fire brought hope to him. She was a beacon for hope and light and he was grateful that she was with him and allowed him to be near her, like she had much of a choice though.
The funeral home exemplified his feelings for her. If he feared for her before then after the days wore on and they got to know each other better, he truly dreaded that anything would happen to her. Watching her as she held his crossbow and set off to kill that walker by herself had at first brought pride to him as he marveled at her improvement with his bow. Watching her go down, thanks to the hidden trap, and being almost eaten by that walked had set forward to him the worst fear he had ever experienced. His heart had stopped that moment. His stomach had all but dropped.
Then of course came the fear when he realized she meant more to him than perhaps any other person had ever had. He feared that he wasn't good enough for her, that he didn't deserve someone like her, that he was too old for her. He feared that he would suck all the life out of her just like his father had done to his mom.
The fear that he wouldn't find her and that she was being treated badly was perhaps one of his worse fears. When he saw her pack in the ground and the car drive away his heart had stopped. When he saw the crossroads his lungs were the ones that ceased to work. Yes, he had run all night, but he kept running and drawing breath because he hoped he could catch her. The crossroads defeated in his purpose to draw more breath to run since he had no way of knowing which way the car went and him guessing wasn't really going to taking him closer to Beth.
The fear that she was dead never really occurred to pass his head though. He knew in his heart that she was alive, that's why he told that to Maggie. Beth had taught him that having hope and faith wasn't a bad thing and he had the most hope and faith on Beth than any other person in the world, that he knew she wasn't dead. No, Beth was fighting for her life, Beth was strong and she had saved herself before and he was certain that she could do it again.
However, then came the exchange, and that had brought out his worst fears and afterwards he was just a dead man left with just one fear. If losing her the first time had stopped his hearts and lungs; then losing her for the second, and last time, had stopped his mind all together. He was just another dead man walking and all the hope and faith that she had gifted him died alongside her. He only kept living as a duty to his family and to her. He knew that she wouldn't have wanted him to give up because of her. No, he knew that she would've wanted him to look after their family, Maggie, and especially Judith and that's what he did.
Then though they had arrived at Alexandria and they were relatively "safe", and his duty to his family lessened since they had walls that separated them from walkers, and they had better supplies than what they had had for a while. In the walls of Alexandria, people had all the time in the world and time to sit and pretend that the world hadn't ended. He knew that those people were fools and he laughed at them for actually thinking that they could go back to how things were before. They could never go back to that and he felt sorry for them if they thought they could.
He also felt sorry for himself because in Alexandria he had all the time to think and that's the last thing he wanted to do. He had the scouting trips with Aaron but those sometimes went on hiatus because the weather was to cold or because Rick didn't approve them. He truly hated not having anything to do. He had to keep himself busy or he would do the last thing he ever wanted to do and that was thinking of Beth. Thinking of her brought out a sad stupor to his heart and he just couldn't handle it. He truly hated living in a world without her and he truly hated thinking that his last true fear might come true. He might have not want to think about her much because of the heartbreak that ensued but he also didn't ever want to forget that Beth Greene had existed, so he was stuck in a stalemate. His fear was that he would one day forget that Beth had existed just like his other family members and Maggie had.
He still wore her knife and that brought the reminders of her strength and determination to fight, and when he was stuck in a bad situation the feel of her knife there on his belt gave him strength and determination to keep on fighting. If anything her knife was more of a token to remember her strength. He still could see her wearing her it as they walked the woods alone but over time that picture seemed to be more distant to him and he couldn't really see her face and that's what scared him the most; that he would forget Beth Greene's beauty, and voice that for so long (and still did) signified light and hope and goodness to him.
So one day as he went to do his daily checkup on the Grimes children he found Carl with a notebook and pencil in hand and his fears settled for a bit. He didn't know it but Carl was kind of an artist, of course their constant running would have prevented them from finding out sooner than later, but as he watched Carl sketch a remarkably good picture of his mother he was grateful that he got to find out.
"What you got there?" Daryl asked Carl who determinedly tried to get the shade of his mother's eyes right and who looked up to Daryl after the man spoke.
"It's a sketch pad," Carl replied. "I really like art when I was at school and at the prison I would sometimes draw the comics that Michonne brought me after I read them all. I thought that since we don't longer have cameras, there had to be a way to still have a picture of someone else and I thought why not a drawing. I mean that was the way they had pictures of people to prove that they had once lived in this world before cameras were invented. And I want Judith to know how our mother, and other people that were once in her life, but aren't here anymore, looked like so I started drawing them.
Handing Daryl the sketch pad Carl then added, "They're not really good. I mean I am drawing them from memory but I think Judith will get the picture."
Daryl though thought those drawings were amazing. As he looked through the sketches Carl had made of Andrea, Tyreese, Lori, Sophia, Jacqui, and heartbreakingly Hershel, he wanted to reprimand the boy for thinking the sketches weren't good. He had done a truly good job and that's what he told him. He had accurately captured the likings of all the people he sketched and as he turned the page after staring at the drawing Carl had made of Hershel, Daryl couldn't help but stagger because there staring at him with lead colored eyes was Beth.
Carl had drawn her wearing his sheriff hat, with a sleeping Judith on her arms and wearing the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. The sketch had brought tears to his eyes and he barely heard when Carl said to him,
"Oh yeah, I also drew Beth a couple of times. You know she basically raised Judith as her own when we were at the prison that I didn't think it was fair at all Judy never got to actually meet her. She was like her mother and I think Judy deserves to know that a person like Beth, that singed for her and took so much care for her, once walked on this earth."
"Don't you agree?" Carl then went to ask him as he looked up from the drawing and what he saw astounded him because Daryl Dixon had tears on his face and he was repeatedly nodding his head because it seemed he had lost all words.
And Carl being more observant than what he was given credit for then realized what had shaken Daryl up, and made a swift decision right there on the dining room table he and Daryl were currently sitting on. Taking the sketch pad from Daryl who looked like he was about to protest he turned to another picture he had drawn of Beth. There she wasn't carrying Judith but instead sitting down and kindly smiling. He drew that picture with the time Beth had singed to them that song about holding on in mind. Carefully ripping the page from the precut lining the sketch pad had, Carl went on to give the paper to Daryl who he knew had fallen in love with Beth Greene, the way he had been ever since her tragic death being more than enough proof to him about that, as were his tears.
Looking at the sketch and then back at him, Carl went on to say before Daryl said his refusal that he knew was to come,
"Here take it. I can always draw another and I know you should have this. I mean I fear that someday I would forget how my mom or any of this people that once were an important part of my life looked and I think the fear is worse for you. I mean who would ever want to forget a girl like Beth Greene, right? Especially someone who loved her."
At those words Daryl looked up at him as he took the picture because damn Carl was more perceptive that he gave him credit for. The boy was still young but he was wise for his years. He had manifested his fears so clearly that he started to wonder if the kid could read minds. Nevertheless, he accepted the drawing gratefully. It might have been just strategic markings on a paper but, all in all, it transformed into the only picture he had of Beth Greene, the woman he loved.
With that drawing of her his only fear was that it would get damaged or wet or soaked in blood since he had a tendency of getting covered in those. But as fast as the fears came the solutions also sprung out. He would have to find those plastic storage things that he saw the devoted kids in his classes keep on their binders and he was going to keep that picture in his pocket by his heart, because that was the picture that would allow him to never forget the beauty that was Beth Greene. He had her knife to remember her strength and he now had her picture to remember her likeness. And Daryl felt like he could truly live now, because the fear that forgetting Beth, brought forward to him, prevented him from truly focusing on anything else, because not forgetting her took a lot of his focus, but now he had the picture and the fear that he would one day forget Beth vanished. He knew that as long as she lived in his heart she was never truly forgotten, but he was a hunter and a tracker and he needed visuals. Also the mind could easily deceive a person that having Carl's beautiful drawing of her left him with no more terrorizing fears.
It bothers me much that they just forgot Beth, just like that, in the stupid show, that I had to write this. The idea for this story had been in my head for a long time and last night I went to sleep really late just to finish writing it. I mean the muse struck and I knew I had to finish writing it because I have stopped the muse mid story before and afterwards the muse was dead.
Anyways I know that the only person that will always keep Beth alive in the show will be Daryl and I think he would fear not remembering Beth Greene. I also think that Carl would be another person who wouldn't want to forget everyone that was once in their lives, him trying to name Judith after Sophia, and Jacqui in season 2 proves that, so I had him be the one that gifted Daryl the only picture he would ever have of Beth.
Hope you guys enjoy this. Sorry that it's kinda sad, and please tell me what you think. Hugs:)