Completely Pointless
I came into this fandom about two years too late, but oh, well.
When I was a kid, I used to read some hilarious SG1 stories by Yum I just loved that consisted of all dialogue. I wrote this story as sort of a tribute and based on a running joke we had while watching the show about Rush being forced to record a series of orientation videos a'la Daniel Jackson's Air Force training aids.
[Edit: This story was previously removed by for containing the word 'shit' in the summary. Whelp.]
Slate One:
"Hello. I'm Dr. Nicholas Rush. ... I'm speaking to you today from the Gateroom of the Destiny - an Ancient ship, launched from planet Earth some millennia ago for the purpose of reaching the far-flung reaches of the galaxy... Eli!"
"Sorry! Sorry! It slipped. ... We need a better tripod for this thing!"
"Look, can you just... Hold the damned thing steady!"
"I'm trying! Just... Just start again."
Slate Two:
"Hello. I'm Dr. Nicholas Rush. ... I'm speaking to you now from the Gateroom of the Destiny. An Ancient ship, launched from planet Earth some..."
"Is there a ...problem?"
"I can't read the bloody cue-card."
"What? You just said it!"
"Well, obviously I've forgotten."
"I can't believe this. You wrote this part."
"On a computer, yes, but not on those ridiculous pieces of paper. Honestly, Eli, your handwriting is obscene."
"Okay, thank you, Mrs. Montgomery."
"Pardon?"
"My fourth grade science teacher. Can we just get on with this?"
"Fine. Hold it closer."
Slate Three:
"Hello, I'm Dr. Nicholas Rush. This is the Gateroom of the Destiny. Really, if you're seeing this video, you likely already know what the Destiny is and how we came to know it. Probably have to have some kind of ridiculous level of security clearance and thousands of hours of training."
"Cut!"
"I'm just saying, this whole thing is stupid. We don't need orientation videos for Destiny. Everyone here knows what's going on."
"Cut!"
Slate Four:
"-Colonel Young specifically asked you to put together some training videos for any new-"
"I really don't have time for this..."
"...personnel who travel in via the stones, and to help other people on the ship to learn how to do basic-"
"It's completely pointless and anyone else can do it."
"You're the chief scientist!"
"And I'm chiefly busy!"
"Look, can we just... Just do the one about dialing. Everyone here needs to learn how to dial, right? Okay? Okay? Okay. Let me just... There. Go from there. Okay. And go!"
Slate Five:
"Hello. I'm Dr. Nicholas Rush. Behind me you will see the Stargate. The Stargate is used to... Oh, fuck this, Eli; everyone here knows what a fucking Stargate is!"
"What if they don't?"
"They DO."
"Well... ... What if someone who's descended from us or comes to Destiny later finds these tapes? Don't you want to tell those people about the Stargate that's on the ship?"
"They'll know about the Stargate. From being on the ship. Where the Stargate is."
"Look, okay! Geez! I'm just... Cut!"
"Are there any of these that aren't completely pointless?"
Slate Thirteen:
"Hello. I'm Dr. Nicholas Rush, and I can't be bothered to read the damn cue cards because I'm too important and too busy to do something that I was specifically asked to do by the Colonel-"
"Are you finished?"
"Are you?"
"I've not even begun."
"AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM."
"..."
"Oh, so now you're just going to stand there and... Okay, fine."
"..."
"You know, the longer you act like this, the longer it's going to take."
"..."
"I'm going to go get Colonel Young and tell him you aren't cooperating."
"..."
"...Cut!"
Slate Sixteen:
"Hello. I'm Dr. Nicholas Rush. I am the Chief Science Officer here aboard the Destiny, which actually means I am the one who makes sure none of you die in your sleep, or when you're awake, or when you're off-world, or where ever. And I get no thanks for it; oh, no. I just get jerked around when I ought to be WORKING; TRYING TO KEEP ALL OF YOU-"
"CUT!"
Slate Seventeen:
"Hello. I'm Dr. Nicholas Rush. Destiny operates on a quite unique system, powered by the stars themselves. Ram scoops beneath each wing collect solar energy as the ship passes through the corona-sphere of a star. The process is initiated automatically when the ship detects energy levels have fallen below a critical point, though the ship may collect energy at any time, such as being manually placed on-route through a star."
"..."
"..."
"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?"
"…Right."
"No, wai-don't! Come back! Dr. Rush! Doctor... Rush! ...Rush! ... Come on! ... ... Do you see, people of Earth and the future, what I'm working with here? "
Slate Eighteen:
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...Cut!"
Slate Twenty-Two:
"Hello. I'm Dr. Nicholas Rush. I am the Chief Science Officer here on-board the Destiny. My current science team consists of Eli Wallace-"
"Yours truly~"
"..."
"Sorry."
"Eli Wallace-"
"We'll... get that in editing."
"..."
"Sorry! Shutting up now!"
"Eli Wallace, an insufferable man-child who, fortunately, at some times manages to display a pass-fair grasp of basic mathematics-"
"Okay, hey, that's not really cool, so if you could just-"
"-Dr. Lisa Park, who has the sole commendable grace of doing precisely what she is told to do, to the best of her ability, unlike others I could mention-"
"-If you could just... you know... read the cue cards-"
"-Mr. Brody, operator of our fine distillery and whatever else he can manage to get his hands into when other people are trying to get real work done-"
"-Just... the cue cards... For like... Once. Ever. For fun."
"-Don't even get me started on Volker. The man is a complete waste of-"
"CUT!"
Slate Twenty-Six:
"-Are you tired of this yet? Because I am. We've been doing this... All day. Like, for real. A whole day."
"I'm perfectly amiable to finishing whenever you are."
"Okay, but that would mean we'd actually have to FINISH something which means-"
Slate Twenty-Seven:
"Hello. I'm Dr. Nicholas Rush."
/"Rush, this is Young, come in, please."/
"..."
"...Are you... uh... Going to get that."
"Start it again."
/"Rush, this is Colonel Young. Come in, please."/
"It could be... important?"
"He's not yelling and no lights are flashing."
"Uh."
"Just start it again."
Slate Twenty-Eight:
"Hello, I'm Dr. Nicholas-"
"Rush, I've been trying to reach you over your radio!"
"Were you? Mmmh."
"We were just..."
"How's it going?"
"Wonderful." "Terrible."
"...I see. Rush, I'd like you on the Bridge when you're done here."
"Yes, of course. Eli, whenever you're ready."
"Seriously?"
Slate Twenty-Nine:
"Hello, I'm Dr. Nicholas Rush. On board Destiny, a unique set of challenges, and opportunities, await those willing to put in the work and the effort into solving its mysteries. As Chief Scientist... Oh, this is funny to you?"
"I didn't say anything."
"I don't have time for this..."
"Rush, come back and do the damn Kino!"
"You do the damn Kino! I have work to do!"
"Rush! Rush!"
Eli reached over and pressed a key on his laptop, stopping the video. Young crossed his arms over his chest and straightened his spine, nodding. "And what are you calling this Orientation video, exactly?"
"An Introduction to Dealing with Dr. Nicholas Rush. Abridged."
"Well... I'll leave you to it," He said, clapping him on the shoulder briefly before striding away.
"Yeah." Eli sighed, rubbing a hand over his face before pressing play.
/"Hello. I'm Dr. Nicholas Rush..."/