Title: Which Six?
Summary: Isabela has held forth that men are good for only one thing, whereas women are good for six. Eventually, Bethany's curiosity gets the best of her.
Author's Notes: For chaineddove at AO3, whose speculation on this bit of party banter was entirely too much fun to think about. Set in Orlais sometime after the events of Act 2, when Bethany has had a chance to acclimatize to life in the Circle. Though you may have to squint to see them, there may be mild spoilers for Mark of the Assassin content and/or references to other bits of party banter, since this itself is after all an extension of said banter. Slight liberty taken with party size to pull off the timing and the conversation.
For those who haven't read anything by chaineddove, I suggest starting with Crimson Flowers and going from there. It's a beautifully told story and was the first of her work to have caught my eye. From there I was captivated by the remainder of her work, which is all so incredibly well done I can't help but recommend her.
Special thanks to Frayed One for brainstorming with me on which six to include!
Hawke immediately felt more relaxed when she realized she could no longer see the chateau for the trees. And even this far out, they were after a wyvern, which still managed to seem inappropriately... Orlesian, somehow. All right, so it was nice to have an excuse to travel again with Bethany. And Tallis seemed interesting, even if Hawke didn't trust her any further than she could throw her. But wyverns? Stopping at the crest of a small hill to get her bearings, Hawke heard the tail end of a question Bethany was asking.
"...speaking of wicked, Isabela... None of the books you sent have come close to explaining something you said some years ago. I almost hesitate to ask, but I've got to know..."
Hawke closed her eyes, momentarily wishing she'd kept her distance ahead of them. Sure, Bethany had grown up, but this was Isabela, whose company the warrior had been keeping rather a lot of recently. It was impossible to imagine this conversation ending without Bethany being only more confused.
"Sunshine," Varric looked up as he interjected, "None of the rest of us want to hear about the dwarf in drag."
"What?" Bethany shook her head. "No! Not that. Never that. I think by now I've got a good idea the one thing you said men were good fo-"
"Bethany! Is this really a conversation you want to have in front of an audience?" Hawke's glance cut to Tallis, who was listening intently.
Isabela gave the elf a quick once-over. "Who knows? Maybe Tallis might have something to contribute?"
Bethany hesitated for a moment before deciding that a theoretical discussion couldn't possibly be that offensive to someone like her. She had been brought up to date on the jumping off the railing and the stabbing and so forth, after all. "Yes, well, it's all intellectual anyway, isn't it? So those six things... What are they, anyway?"
"Oh, Sweetness. Are you sure you wouldn't rather find out on your own?" Isabela glanced at Hawke, as it had been her reaction the pirate was going for, and cursed to herself when the warrior made no move to suggest her sister avoid looking for experience. Then again, there hadn't been any complaints about innocent ears, either.
"Please," Bethany rolled her eyes. She supposed they wouldn't really know anything about her time in the Circle, but... Perhaps it was small of her, but some fun at Marian's expense wouldn't come amiss. "I'm hardly going to die of embarrassment."
"All right then, for starters," Isabela spoke thoughtfully. "I'm sure you know by now the one thing men are good for. Well, of course, that's all they're after, isn't it? In and out, as it were, their minds already drifting on to the sandwich that awaits."
Bethany looked as if she was reflecting on something, the details of which Hawke really didn't want to know.
"So..." Shifting her gaze among the ladies present, Tallis had to intervene. "This is the sort of thing the mighty Champion of Kirkwall spends her time talking about?"
"What else is there?" Hawke seized on the distraction. "I'm sure the weather won't mind being ignored for a few minutes, anyway."
"I suppose," the elf considered. "Of course, this is the sort of thing you wouldn't get from a man, either, isn't it? They're certainly not long on the silly conversations. I notice Varric hasn't had anything to say for a while."
"I'm just thinking about Bianca. I have to live with her, you know." Varric reached up behind him to pat her stock. "And anyway, I'm all for hearing about the female graces, but Bianca is getting offended at hearing me maligned like this."
"But your chest hair, Varric," Isabela purred. "With a feature that magnificent you've got to be immune to all the other failings."
Saying nothing, the dwarf smirked at the pirate and continued listening. Hawke might not hear about this conversation later, but he knew now what his opener would be when the crowd assembled on his return to the Hanged Man.
"And then there's the hat shop. Well, and others like it," Hawke amended. "I swear half the time I've gone in there with 'Bela, there hasn't been a phallus to be found for at least a hundred paces every which way."
"Unless you count the man who runs the place," Varric pointed out.
"Do you count the man who runs the place?" Isabela arched a brow.
"I'm invoking the no-human clause. Carry on."
"Do we even know where we're going?" Bethany returned for a moment to the task at hand.
"Of course!" Tallis pointed vaguely into the distance. "I didn't expect to have time during a distraction to think about where we're headed, so I stopped on the way out and asked for directions."
"There's number four," Isabela noted. "And number five, if you don't count the bedroom as an adventure, but then what would be the point?"
Bethany considered this as they made their way toward a stand of trees, eventually asking, "All right, then. What would be number five?"
"Socks." This from Hawke and Isabela together. At the pirate's barked laugh, Hawke continued, "Always on the feet or on the floor, and never at the right time for either."
"Ah, ladies?" Varric interrupted again, only to be silenced by Tallis.
"I suppose this is where someone of the male persuasion would make a joke about hose, isn't it?"
"Hawke?" Varric tried again, somewhat more insistently.
"And we've found six!" Isabela nodded at the elf. "All the wrong things are funny. Shall we go on? I'm rather starting to think I wasn't quite ambitious enough in my original count."
"Can I suggest a change of subject?" Varric continued to be completely ignored.
"This doesn't make any sense at all!" Bethany looked around at the others. "I always thought you were talking about... well... about vulgar things."
"Ladies?" The dwarf's voice was increasingly urgent, though still no one paid him any mind.
"Can you blame me, Sweetness?" Isabela sighed. "But in this case, I think my mind may already have dragged itself out of bed and joined the rest of me by the time we had this conversation. It's not all about the bedroom, or even about getting to the bed-"
"Hawke!" Varric shouted this time, cutting off what he was sure would have been a matronly speech from the pirate if there'd been time for such things. And wasn't it a shame he wouldn't have that to hold over her head later?
"Maker's sake, Varric! What?" The warrior tore her attention away from the conversation to see what was so bloody important.
Varric pointed behind them. "Wyvern."
"All right," Hawke conceded, reaching for her sword as she caught sight of the beast's movement in the trees. "Perhaps men are good for two things."
Isabela loosed her daggers and readied herself for Hawke's signal. "It's the chest hair, I'm telling you."