Sometimes, when she was feeling strong enough she would think of him. She would think of warm afternoons, spent with nothing but laughter. Of blankets, and hot mouths, hands, and everything in between.
Some moments she could imagine as if they were just happening. She could feel his arms around her, his fingers tickling her sides as she attempted to sleep. She could feel his breath in her ear, whispering sweet nothings until morning.
She would never be able to forget the sound of his laugh, or the way she felt when he said 'I love you'.
The more she thought of the memories, the more overwhelming they became. But still, it was hard to resist looking back into the past when times then had been so much happier than the present.
She could see him in nearly everything she did; without even searching for him. A song would send her back to the day they first met, or the last moments they shared together. A face in the grocery store would have her thinking of his beautiful green eyes.
But, she had realized long ago she could not keep living in the past. She had to move on, for herself, and for her son.
Though her husband Edward had passed away five years ago, Bella still had to be strong for Anthony.
Watching her five year old sleep, she couldn't help but smile. They were on their way back to Forks for the first time since they'd buried Edward.
She didn't like to talk about the circumstances concerning his death.. And that seemed to be all everyone in town wanted to discuss. The gossip had gotten to be too much for her.. and so she'd moved on. For Anthony. She had done everything for Anthony.
But now, with Charlie getting older in years it was time to come back. He'd suffered a recent stroke, and needed someone to look after him. They'd talked of putting him in a care facility; but Bella knew that her father would never do well in one of those places. He'd always been a home body, and so home was where she would keep him. She owed that much to him.
"Baby, we're almost there," Bella hummed as she glanced in the rearview mirror yet again at her four year old. He'd fallen asleep holding his stuffed lion. He looked so much like his father.. his hair was the same shade of auburn, his facial structure.. and yet, those beautiful green eyes had been lost in his son. Something that had killed Bella after he had been born. She had hoped that Edward's eyes would have at least survived in his son.. so that she might see them yet again. But alas, he had received her own murky brown.
Pulling into Charlie's old driveway, Bella sighed at the memories that arose within her brain. She could see the old swing sat upon the porch, where she and Edward had spent many an afternoon in their youth swinging back and forth whilst Charlie watched from the window.
She liked remembering him that way; Edward had always seemed happiest when he had been younger.. That was before things had changed.
"Baby, will you wake up for me?" Bella questioned as she shook Anthony's leg.
"Mama?" her boy questioned sleepily as blinked up at her.
"Yes baby, we're at your grandpa's," she announced as she rose from her seat and went around the car to take him from his car seat. He was still half asleep, and for that she was grateful; as it would make him easier to deal with then when he was his usual hyper self.
She saw movement at the door, and frowned as Charlie swung the door open from his wheelchair. "Shouldn't you be in bed old man?" she questioned as she made her way up the steps. She'd have to get someone to install a wheelchair ramp.. it appeared that had been neglected thus far; something that worried her.
"Bells, I'm only sixty five. Why are you acting like I'm one hundred?" Charlie complained, his expression changing when he noticed his grandson. "May I?" he asked, gesturing toward Anthony.
Bella shook her head, and sat the boy down on his grandfather's lap. "You may as well be one hundred.. all of those years on the force took their toll on you, Dr. Cullen agreed," she acknowledged as she strolled back to the car to grab their luggage.
"I think you took even more of a toll on me darlin'," Charlie added with a wide smile. "But you were worth every moment of the stress, trust me," he tacked on with a wink.
"Mmmm, I'm sure," Bella mused as she carried their bags inside.
"You can put your stuff in your old room.. I haven't touched it," he offered in a small voice.
The thought nearly broke her heart.. it appeared all these years he'd been waiting for her to return. "Thanks dad," she responded in an equally small voice. "Have you eaten yet today?" she asked as she went to look in the fridge. Nothing but soft drinks, and the occasional beer. Typical Charlie.
"Nah.. Sue usually brings my meals, but she hasn't been able to come lately since Leah's been having a hard time with Timothy. She has to keep after him, since Leah's already 8 months pregnant with her next child you know.. I've mostly been living off of take out," He admitted meekly.
Bella shook her head. "I guess we'll have to rectify that, eh?" she questioned as she shut the fridge, and turned to jokingly glare at her old man. "I'll make a trip to the store.. Anthony will probably sleep another hour or two at least. He didn't get any on the plane over.." she trailed off, watching her son cuddle closer to his grandfather.
Seeing her gaze, Charlie smiled before his expression turned serious. "How have you been Bella? You look better than when I last saw you," he offered up, earning a weak laugh from her.
"Ah, I take it a day at a time.. you know me dad, strong as nails," she responded, awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck. She was tired of people asking how she was whenever she saw them. It only made her think of Edward more.. and that was something she wished to avoid.
"If you say so Bells.. but I'm here for you, you know that right kiddo? I know it's been hard for you and little Tony. But I'm here for you. For both of you."
Bella didn't reply.
"Well I guess you should get onto the grocery store before little Tony here starts to miss you, I don't know how long I'll be able to keep him entertained," Charlie joked. "I doubt he'll be entertained by looking at my old guns.. he's a bit too little for that," he added
"Dad! You will not show Anthony your guns!" Bella nearly shouted, receiving an even louder laugh from her father.
"Of course not Bells, of course not, now off you go."
Shaking her head, Bella made her way to the car, casting a worried glance back toward the house. Charlie waved at her, before shutting the door. She sat there a few moments, trying to take a few deep breaths. Just being in that house had reminded her so much of Edward. She tried her best to keep the memories back; but still they came and fell down her cheeks.
"Oh Edward," Bella murmured softly. "Oh my precious Edward.. My poor, poor Edward.." she trailed off, swiping at her eyes. "I'm so sorry," she said, hugging herself. She stayed like that a few more moments, before she shook herself off. She had to be stronger than this. For Charlie. For her son.
Starting the car, she slowly made her down the road toward the grocery store.
Noticing few familiar faces, Bella sighed with relief as she grabbed a shopping cart. Charlie would need all of the essentials, she'd already decided.
Heading toward produce, she went to survey a head of lettuce before a voice from behind left her startled.
"Bella?! Bella Swan?" a voice screeched near her ear.
Spinning around, Bella nearly dropped the lettuce she'd been holding. In front of her was a girl - no a small woman, with spiky black hair.
"Do I know you?" she asked cautiously. The woman blinked in response, apparently surprised she had not been recognized.
"I suppose you wouldn't," the woman finally laughed. "We went to highschool together; but I was in the year below you. Alice Cullen," she introduced herself, sticking her hand out toward Bella.
She accepted the handshake, a bit surprised by the feeling of ice that greeted her.
"Poor circulation," Alice giggled, taking her hand back.
"You seem to have a lot of clothes there.." Bella trailed off, noticing the woman's cart that was filled with mostly clothing of every kind. Cheap clothing. It didn't seem to suit her.
"Oh, we're doing some painting at the house. So I thought I would buy some clothes that could be ruined," she explained with a giggle. "How've you been Bella?"
The brunette visibly winced at the question. It was hard getting asked such things from close friends and family.. let alone complete strangers. "I've been fine, thank you," she stated quickly, before turning back toward the vegetables. "I apologize, but I don't have much time to shop.. I have to get back to Charlie," she explained.
Alice nodded, and went on to reply before another voice spoke louder than hers. "Bella?!" a male voice shouted from the other side of the store. Near the exit she noticed three men standing. Two were by either side of the one that had spoke.. they almost appeared to be holding him back.
And that voice.. sounded strangely familiar.
But before Bella could react, the three had disappeared.
"Who was that?" she found herself asking Alice, feeling tears hit her cheeks. But she could not tell why she was crying.
"Oh uh.. I think that was Jasper and Emmett.. and our cousin, Masen. It was probably Emmett trying to 'prank' you. He thinks he's so clever by yelling in a store," Alice explained with a soft giggle. "Well.. I'll let you shop then. I hope you have a good day Bella! Let me know if you ever need anything. Carlisle said to give you his number in case Charlie had another episode.." she trailed off, slipping Bella a tiny piece of paper before disappearing toward the checkout area.
Bella still couldn't shake the feeling that, that hadn't been Emmett's voice.. it almost sounded like.. Like.. She shook her head. She couldn't let her mind go there.
Turning back to the vegetables, she continued with her shopping before returning home to Charlie's.
"You okay there Bells?" Charlie questioned, noticing her pale complexion as she carried the groceries in. "We can always order take out of you'd prefer," he offered sheepishly. "I know it must be hard for you being back.. and you've been traveling all day,"
Bella ignored his question, placing the groceries in their rightful places. "Where's Anthony?" she questioned, feeling an intense need to hold her son. She needed Edward. She needed to hold something that was a part of Edward.
"He's still asleep, I think all that traveling did wear him out," Charlie laughed.
Nodding, Bella went into the living room to see her son lying on the couch passed out. She sat down and began stroking his hair, hardly noticing when Charlie rolled in.
"It doesn't get any easier, you know?" she questioned softly. "It doesn't. They always say that grief passes with time.. that it gets easier. But it doesn't. It just gets harder and harder."
Charlie didn't answer. He couldn't find the words to say. What did a parent say to their child when they were going through such a time?
"I think take out may be a good idea.. but just for tonight. I'm making you a home cooked meal tomorrow old man, and there's nothing you can do about it!" Bella championed.
He only shook his head. "Suit yourself Bells," he smiled at her, happy she seemed to at least be feeling better in this moment. "But the Blacks may drop by tomorrow. Billy said he was going to have Jake look into building a ramp for your old man," he added, scratching his head. "Don't see why they even think I need one.. I'll be out of this chair soon enough! Just wait and see," he smiled.
Bella only shook her head, going to get the phone to order their meal. "The more the merrier.. I don't see why Jake shouldn't stay for dinner.." she hummed as she dialed the number for take out.
After eating a rather fatty meal, Bella carried Anthony up to her old room. She'd already made sure Charlie was taken care of. For an old man, he certainly did complain like a child when it came to taking his pills. Anthony took his vitamins better than Charlie took his blood pressure medicine.
Lying in bed with her son, she sighed. She only hoped tonight the nightmares wouldn't come.
She wished that she could go back to those nights that she spent feeling butterflies in her stomach.
Nights with strong arms wrapped around her waist.
She wanted her family to understand that she wasn't okay. But that it was okay that she wasn't; and would never be.
"I love you," she whispered to the darkness as she closed her eyes. "I love you Edward Anthony Masen. I always will."
Curling up on her childhood mattress, Bella brought her son close to her chest and held him against her as she slept.
Elsewhere in a darkened room Edward sat, his hands tearing at his hair. "I love you Bella Swan Masen," he whispered. "I'm truly sorry. I love you."
Let me know what you guys think. Not sure if I should be getting back into writing or not..
Thanks
~SK