For my Andrew. My son, my little brother, my best friend. :)
...
"…wars are made, and somehow that is wisdom..."
"Kuuuurt…" Finn whined over Kurt's music. "…you've been playing that playlist for like, forever."
Kurt raised an eyebrow. "This is the third song on the soundtrack. And the first two were an original and a reprise of the same song."
"I don't like music like that…it makes me…"
"Think?" Kurt crossed his arms in front of him. Finn scowled.
"It's that Broadway music…it's all…I don't know, it's not even good music. It doesn't MEAN anything, you know? If you're not watching the show it's from, it means nothing!"
"You have no idea what you're talking about, Finn. Broadway transcends society. It's almost always universal. I guess it doesn't matter. You'll never appreciate Broadway." Kurt waved his hand dramatically and changed the playlist to something more Finn-friendly. "And by extension, you'll never truly appreciate me."
...
"I can't do this anymore."
"I don't understand." Finn's brow furrowed.
"That's just it, Finn, you don't understand." Rachel sighed. "I am a star. When the paparazzi stops me and asks me about the latest rumor circulating about me, I need a companion who can think on their feet and know how to answer without embarrassing me. Face it, Finn…I can't trust you to say the right thing at the right time."
"You're breaking up with me because you think I'm stupid."
"I didn't say that, Finn, I—"
"You were thinking it."
Rachel reached out to him, but he turned away from her and got out his phone.
"Kurt…I need you to take me home."
...
Kurt was about to head to his third period class when he got the call from Finn.
"What happened?" A brief pause. "Okay. You can explain it later. I'll pull around to the East entrance to get you. Be waiting."
Mercedes cast a worried glance at Kurt as he hurried down the hallway. She knew her best friend better than she knew herself sometimes, and she knew that he was hurrying to help Finn. Again.
This always happened the same way: Finn needed Kurt's help. Kurt would drop everything to help Finn, because that's the kind of guy Kurt was. Finn would hug Kurt and thank him, and Kurt would fall in love again. Finn would start dating a girl and Kurt's heart would be broken once again.
And Mercedes would always be there to pick up the pieces.
...
"Okay, so what happened?"
Finn and Kurt sat in their bedroom on Finn's bed. Finn's eyes were red from a mixture of crying and sleep deprivation. "Rachel dumped me."
Kurt patted his shoulder gingerly. Finn's green-and-gray sweatshirt had wet splotches on it from where he had wiped his nose on it repeatedly.
"I mean, she said that she couldn't trust me to say the right thing when she's famous…I don't know, I don't think that's important, and I feel like she called me dumb."
"You're not dumb, Finn."
Finn sniffled a little. "You're just saying that." He absentmindedly played with his sleeve. "I'm not smart."
"Finnnnnn…" Kurt scooted toward him a little and ruffled his hair. "Have I ever lied to you?"
"No…"
"Are you the smartest person I've ever met? No. But you are intelligent. You have great ideas. You were the one who came up with Don't Stop Believing, remember?"
Finn smiled and looked at Kurt. "Yeah, that was me."
"We wouldn't have Glee club now if it weren't for your great idea."
Finn nodded. "You're right."
Kurt stood. "Rachel doesn't know what she's missing. You're a great guy, Finn. You're the best. Don't let her get you down." Finn got off of his bed as well, and held out his arms.
"Hug?"
Kurt cautiously wrapped his thin arms around Finn, his cheek coming to rest against Finn's collarbone. Finn squeezed him tightly.
"All better?" Kurt asked. He tried to pull away, but Finn wasn't letting go and he wasn't about to be the first to break the hug. He smelled so good…and it felt right. Were Kurt a more delusional person, he would say they fit together perfectly, like they were made for each other. But I'm not a teenage girl, he reminded himself.
"Maybe not all better, but I definitely feel a little better." Finn rested his head on top of Kurt's soft hair. "I really appreciate you being here for me when I need you."
"Well, you know…we're friends. And I didn't feel like going to Math class anyway…" Kurt allowed himself a moment to close his eyes and remember every thread of this moment—Finn's distinct scent of some kind of aftershave mixed with sweat, the firm, strong arms around him, that raggedy green and gray jacket that smelled like rain. Finally, Finn pulled back and looked at Kurt.
"You're great."
"You're great too, Finn. You'll be fine."
Finn looked at Kurt, confused. Kurt, feeling scrutinized by Finn's eyes, looked down at his shoes.
He felt Finn's finger under his chin, lifting his head up. Finn's lips gently touched his. Kurt's lips were soft and sweet, Finn noted. Just like Kurt.
It was over all too soon, and Finn's brain jammed for a moment. "I-I…Kurt…" He stammered, shaking his head frantically and backing away. Kurt stood in the middle of the room, his lips still pursed and eyes closed as if Finn had never moved. "I can't…Kurt, I'm sorry."
Finn ran up the stairs in a hurry. Kurt dared to open his eyes, finally. He looked around his empty room and let out the breath he'd been holding. He crawled onto his bed and curled up, torn between thinking it must have been a dream and hoping with everything he had that it wasn't.
...
"YOU DID WHAT?"
"I kissed him! I know, it was stupid…don't yell at me…"
"You better be glad I'm not pounding your face into the pavement, white boy."
How Finn Hudson found himself at Mercedes's house, he wasn't sure. But somehow he thought that she would understand the best way to figure the situation out and do so without hurting Kurt. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he hurt Kurt again.
"Okay, okay. So, what do I do?"
"Well, why did you kiss him?"
Finn looked at Mercedes with a look of desperation. "I don't know, Mercedes! I was all upset about Rachel dumping me because she called me stupid—"
"You were mad because she called you stupid, not because she broke up with you?"
"Well, yeah. It hurt. Everyone calls me stupid."
The wheels in Mercedes's head were turning. "Okay, go on."
"So I was upset, and then Kurt made me feel a lot better, and he told me I had good ideas and I was really happy and I wanted to hug him, so I did. And then I didn't want to let go…I guess because he's been such a good friend and listens to all of my bullshit…and so I just held on, and then I thought it must be creepy for him since I was clinging like that, so I backed off a little…" Finn's voice trailed off, and suddenly his face took an expression Mercedes had never seen Finn's face have—looking lost in thought.
"And?" She prompted.
"Oh, sorry. I was trying to remember exactly what happened. I let go of him, but we were still standing really close…and I looked at his eyes, and they looked kind of sad. Like, have you ever noticed that Kurt's eyes always look a little bit sad?"
Mercedes nodded. "Yeah. He has a lot on his mind."
"Well, I saw how sad his eyes looked, and I wanted to help him. And then he licked his lips, and…I don't know. I wasn't thinking. I just wanted him to be happy, and I leaned forward and kissed him…" Finn closed his eyes, remembering. Mercedes was silent. She watched Finn as he fell into some sort of reverie of kissing Kurt.
"Finn, what are you thinking?"
Finn jumped suddenly and cleared his throat. "I'm thinking that I don't wanna hurt Kurt's feelings. I shouldn't have kissed him. He'll think I like him like that, and—"
"And how DO you like him, Finn?"
"What?"
She rolled her eyes. "When you think of Kurt, what do you think about?"
Finn bit his lip, thinking. "Well…I think of how good he is to me. How I don't deserve him as a friend. And then…I think about how we've been sharing a room for the last couple of months, and how he takes way too long in the bathroom…and his sad eyes, and I can't figure out what color they are, but they're a really pretty color…and how sometimes we can look at each other and have an entire conversation without saying anything, which is really cool…and then he was listening to this weird music the other day about wars or something…"
"Okay, Finn. So, did you ever think stuff like that about Rachel?"
"Well, no. We weren't ever that close."
"Okay." Mercedes didn't know what to think of the theory she was formulating in her brain. "So, you're closer to Kurt than you were to your girlfriend."
"Well yeah. I love Kurt."
"YES. YOU LOVE KURT."
Finn looked panicked. "I'm not gay, Mercedes!"
"Would you kiss Kurt again?"
"If he wanted to. Wait! No! I wouldn't!"
"Baby, you gotta be honest with yourself if you wanna do this right without hurting Kurt."
Finn sighed. "I liked it. I want to kiss him again."
Mercedes smiled at the idea of Kurt finding out about this. "Well, then tell him that."
"I'm not gay, though, Mercedes! I don't know how to explain this. I never have felt this way about a guy, and I don't WANT to feel this way about another guy…it's just different with Kurt."
She sat next to Finn and wrapped an arm around him. "You don't have to label yourself. You've gotta talk to Kurt about this, though." Finn looked into Mercedes's eyes. "You want to be with him, don't you?"
Finn nodded. "Yeah. I think I really do."
Mercedes gave his shoulder a squeeze and stood up. She looked back at Finn on her porch before heading back inside. "Then you know what you've gotta tell him."
...
"Kurt?"
Finn eased down the stairs slowly. The lights were off and Kurt appeared to be in bed. "Are you down here?"
"Yes, Finn. I am down here." Kurt said through obviously gritted teeth.
"Can we talk?"
"No."
"What?"
Kurt suddenly sat upright in his bed. He threw his legs over the side of his bed and stood, striding over to the light switch. He flipped the light on and spun to face Finn angrily.
"You always do this, Finn. You are so sweet to me and so nice to me, and you treat me better than anyone I know, and you hug me and love on me and tell me you think I'm amazing and all of this, and then you just LEAVE. You leave, Finn! And then here I am, pathetic as shit, wishing things could be different, but NO. You are straight Finn and I am gay Kurt, heartbroken and feeling stupid for falling for you in the first place! And right when I think I'm over you and moving on and feeling like I could be getting over it, you come back into my life and start it over again! It's a vicious cycle, Finn!" Kurt was breathing heavily from speaking so fast and being so angry. "And so today, I'm just being nice to you because, dumb me, I'm in love with you, and you KISS me! YOU KISSED ME! And then you LEAVE AGAIN! Why am I surprised? No, I don't want to talk to you, Finn. All you do is hurt me."
Finn's mouth hung open in shock as Kurt went back to his bed and sat down, trying to control his breathing and obviously willing himself not to cry.
"I never meant to hurt you, Kurt. Ever. I would never hurt you on purpose. I…I love y—"
"DON'T."
"But Kurt, I—"
Kurt's face said it all. He was done with Finn.
Finn sat next to Kurt on Kurt's bed and wrapped his arms around him. "I want to be with you, Kurt." He whispered into his ear.
Kurt wriggled free from Finn's grasp and stood. "Don't mess with me, Finn."
"I'm not!" Finn's eyes were pleading, and it was all Kurt could do to not crack right then and fall into Finn's arms like the end of a bad romantic comedy. But he couldn't allow himself to do that. He was an experiment for no man.
"Why should I believe you, Finn?"
"Because I love you." Finn could see Kurt struggling. "And I know you love me too, Kurt. We are here for each other. We need each other. I was just too…dumb…to realize it."
"You're not dumb." Kurt muttered under his breath. Finn smiled.
"So, we can be together?" Finn asked.
"No." Kurt replied. "I can't trust you to not hurt me."
Finn looked like he was about to cry. "I would never hurt you, Kurt!"
"Truth is, Finn, you've hurt me more than anybody I've ever known. But I do love you. If you're serious about us—as in, us together—you're going to have to prove to me that you're not going to leave."
If there's one thing Finn Hudson likes, it's a good challenge. And boy, he had one.
...
Another day in Glee club, another pointless monologue from Mr. Schuester. "Colors express feelings. A song is like a painting, and your emotions are what turn a child's doodle with magic markers into a Van Gogh masterpiece of musical expression. For this week's assignment, you will all have to choose a song with a color in it! You see, colors are also representative of diversity, and when songs mention colors, it's like races joining together for a common cause; that cause, in this case, being fluid musical fusion! And musical fusion is the underlying—"
"I AM SICK OF BEING DISCRIMINATED AGAINST, MR. SCHUE!"
"Um…Finn?"
"YOU HEARD ME!"
Mr. Schuester cocked his head to the side in confusion. "I don't understand, Finn. How am I discriminating against you?" All the heads in the choir room turned to look at Finn, who was brooding in the back corner.
"OH GOD PLEASE DON'T, FINN. PLEASE DON'T. OH GOD." Kurt was screaming in his mind.
"First of all, you said we had to use songs with a color in them, and I want to use the rainbow!"
"This isn't happening." Kurt murmured to Mercedes, who looked like she was trying to decide whether laughing was worth getting slapped by Kurt.
"Well, um, that's fine, Finn—"
"ALSO," Finn's voice echoed throughout the choir room, "I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO A ROUTINE IN WHICH I CAN DANCE WITH MY SIGNIFIGANT OTHER WITHOUT BEING JUDGED!"
"That's fine, Finn, I can pair you with Rachel."
"I dumped Finn yesterday, Mr. Schue…" Rachel said, looking back at Finn, perplexed.
"Finn, maybe we need to talk after class…" Mr. Schue was becoming increasingly confused.
"I was talking about my boyfriend!" Finn insisted. "Kurt."
"Nope, no, I'm dreaming. This is a nightmare. I'm going to wake up in a few minutes…" Kurt covered his face with both hands. Everyone's gaze turned to him as the room erupted in giggles and whispers.
Mr. Schuester cleared his throat and replied, "I think Finn has a point, everybody!"
"WHAT?" Kurt gasped, wondering how this could get any more unreal.
"I have been lax in offering equal rights to the Glee club. I didn't know you were gay, Finn, but—"
"Not gay, Mr. Schue. Kurtsexual."
"Okay, Finn, STOP!" Kurt stood and faced the room. "I am the only card-carrying queer in the room!" He ignored Brittany raising her hand in the back of the room. "Finn is confused and upset because of Rachel dumping him. I am not his boyfriend." He turned on his heel to face Mr. Schue. "I want to dance with a girl! I don't care what girl, but I don't want to dance with Finn!"
He stormed out of the room, only barely hearing Finn call after him, "See ya at home, boo!"
...
"Mom, Burt, I'm gay."
Burt and Carole exchanged amused looks. "Really, honey?"
"Well, I'm not really gay, it's more like I'm in love with Kurt."
Burt's eyes widened. "I'm going to go work in the garage." He stood. Kurt walked in, and everyone froze.
"What?"
"Kurt, I'm coming out to our parents so that we can be together!"
"Oh my GOD." Kurt smacked his hand to his forehead. "Dad, Finn and I aren't together. Carole, Finn's not gay. Finn, go to your room!"
Finn got up and trudged to the basement. Kurt sighed and stormed off, muttering, "I'm too old for this shit."
Only when he was out of earshot did Burt and Carole burst into peals of laughter.
...
Kurt stood in the lunch line. "Ugh. Mystery meat."
"I pack my lunch for a reason, Kurt."
"EXCUSE ME, LUNCH LADY." Kurt's head snapped up to see Finn behind him. Finn snatched Kurt's tray from him and placed it on top of the bar. "DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE PUT ON MY SWEET CHERRY FILLED PASTRY'S PLATE HERE?"
"Finn. STOP." Kurt said quietly but firmly.
"LOOK AT IT, MRS. LUNCH WOMAN. WHAT DO YOU SEE HERE ON THIS PLATE?"
The lunch lady glanced at the plate perched precariously on the bar. "Meatloaf, green beans, and mashed potatoes."
"And what, might I ask, is in that meatloaf?"
"Meat and loaf."
"I see onions in there."
"Yes, we cook with onions."
"MY LIL' LEMON DROP HERE, KURT EUGENE HUMMEL, IS ALLERGIC TO ONIONS. What is your name, lunch lady?"
The woman looked perplexed. "Hilda."
"Well, listen, Helga—"
"Finn, please. This is not necessary. You are embarrassing me. Leave the poor woman alone!" Kurt pleaded with Finn.
"HELGA! DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED, HAD MY LOVERBOY EATEN THAT MEATLOAF?"
"Girl, he woulda died and that has nothing to do with the onion content." Mercedes snorted.
"YES, MERCEDES, THANK YOU. HE WOULD HAVE DIED."
"Onions just give me a rash, Finn. I wouldn't have died."
"I got this, cornmuffin." He patted Kurt on the ass, causing Kurt to jump about four feet in the air. The entire cafeteria was staring now. "HE WOULD HAVE DIED, HELGA. AND I WOULD HAVE GONE TO HIS GRAVE WITH A BOUQUET OF ORANGE TIGER LILLIES, BECAUSE THOSE ARE HIS FAVORITES, AND I WOULD HAVE MOURNED FOR YEARS. YEARS, HELGA!"
"She said her name was Hilda, Finn."
"Don't stop me, Puddin' Pop, I'm on a roll here." Finn pointed to the tray. "I WOULD GO TO HIS GRAVE EVERY DAY AND CRY FOR YEARS, HILDA! AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL YOUR FAULT! MY LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN TURNED INTO THE END OF A NICHOLAS SPARKS MOVIE! AND I WOULD HAVE YOU TO THANK! HOW WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL, HILDA?"
Hilda shrugged. "Take food. People are waiting."
Finn looked utterly defeated. He looked at Kurt lovingly. "I'll pick all the onions out for you, sugar booger."
Kurt's eyebrows shot up so high, they threatened to mesh with his hairline. "Please don't call me that. And please apologize to poor Hilda. I know your heart was in the right place, Finn, but she can't remember everyone's allergies, and it's really not a big deal."
Finn sighed and looked at Kurt with admiration. "Oh, fudgesickle. You care so much about people."
Mercedes patted Finn on the shoulder. "Finn, give it a rest. He's going to go eat his meatloaf."
"Psh, honey, not if you paid me."
...
"Okay, guys, color songs! What have we got?"
"MR. SCHUE!"
"Finn. You don't have to yell."
"I have a perfect song."
"Whatcha gonna sing for us, Finn?"
Finn stood and walked to the front of the room. "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going."
"That…doesn't have a color in it."
"HIT IT!"
The band began to play. Finn opened his mouth and sang:
AND I AM TELLING YOU
I'M NOT GOING
YOU'RE THE BEST MAN
I'LL EVER KNOW
THERE'S NO WAY I COULD EVER GO
NO NO THERE'S NOOOO WAY
NO NO NO NO WAY I'M LIVING WITHOUT YOU
I'M NOT…LIVING WITHOUT YOU
I DON'T…WANNA BE GREEEEEEEEN
I'M STAYING, KURT
I'M STAYYYYING
AND YOU! AND YOU!
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MEEEEE!
AND I'M TELLING YOU
I'M NOT GOING
EVEN THOUGH TIMES ARE…ORANGE
THERE'S NO WAY
THERE'S NOOOOO WAY
WE'RE PART OF THE SAME HOUSE
WE'RE PART OF THE SAME HOME
WE BOTH SHARE THE SAME PARENTS
BUT YOU'RE NOT REALLY MY BRO…
AND PURPLE INDIGO YELLOW
WE'VE HAD SO MUCH TO SHARE
NO NO NO NOOOOO WAYYY
I'M NOT WAKING UP TOMORROW, KURT
TO FIND OUT YOU'VE KICKED A CHAIRRRRR
NO NO NO WAYY
NO NO NO NO WAY I'MMMMMMM LIVING WITHOUT YOU
TEAR DOWN THE MOUNTAINS
RED VIOLET ROBIN'S EGG BLUE
PUSH, STRIKE, AND KILL
I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE YOU
THERE'S NO WAY I WILL…
And on and on it went, with Finn's voice cracking on every high note, changing the lyrics to random colors and things that applied to Kurt and Kurt trying and failing to keep a straight face. Mercedes looked appalled to even be listening to the song. Schue looked on in utter disbelief.
Finn was kneeling in front of Kurt now, holding both of his hands and screaming incoherently.
"STOP IT! STOP THE BAND; STOP THE SONG, JUST STOP!"
Finn frowned. "I just wanted you to know how much I—"
"Yes, I know, how much you love me. But Finn, this is getting ridiculous!"
"I…" Finn looked at a loss for words. Suddenly, to Kurt's horror, he saw tears welling up in Finn's eyes. Finn bit his lip, trying to hold back a sob. Finally, he hopped to his feet and rushed out of the room.
Kurt didn't quite know what to do. As he looked around the room, he realized everyone was glaring at him. Even Mr. Schue cast a disapproving eye on Kurt. He could feel the eyes on him. Mr. Schue broke the silence.
"I think we'll just, um, wrap up early. Rest of the color assignments tomorrow…"
Kurt and Mercedes stayed in the choir room until everyone left. "I think you are being too rough on Finn."
"Mercedes, you don't understand."
"What I understand is that Finn is trying so hard to impress you and show you how much he loves you and you're not even attempting to give him a chance."
"What if he hurts me again?"
"It's love, Kurt. The risk is always there. If you're too afraid to get hurt, you don't deserve to be in love."
Kurt sighed dramatically. "I don't know what to do."
Mercedes grabbed her purse and backpack and walked toward the door. "I can't give you all the answers, Kurt. I just know that you've been waiting for this for a long time, and now that it's being handed to you, you're turning away from it. You're not going to get another chance with Finn."
Mercedes's words lingered in the air long after she left. Kurt finally got up and went to his car. He tried to think about something other than Finn, but all he could come up with was working on the Glee assignment.
And all that came to mind for a color song was, "I'd rather be blue thinking of you…I'd rather be blue over you…than be happy with somebody else…"
...
Kurt was still conflicted with what to do when he got home. He trudged down the stairs and was relieved to hear the shower running so that he had more time to think before Finn confronted him. He stretched out on his bed, staring at his ceiling. Suddenly, Finn's muffled shower singing took shape in the air—no longer just a bunch of noise. Kurt recognized the tune, but couldn't place it. He crept closer to the bathroom door, daring to catch some words.
"But I know there's so much more to find,
Just in looking through myself, and not at them,
Still I know to trust my own true mind,
And to say there's a way through this…"
Kurt slid down the wall to sit on the floor.
He wasn't quite sure what an epiphany felt like, but if this wasn't one, it had to be close.
At first, Kurt thought that Finn wanted to use him as an experiment, or maybe just that he wanted to make up for hurting him in the past. Kurt wasn't sure. He didn't think it was genuine until now.
Now, Finn singing Kurt's Spring Awakening music. The very same song that he had complained about having to listen to. Finn had no way of knowing that Kurt that was listening—in fact, it was unlikely, as he should have still been at Glee right now. He had learned the music that Kurt loved, hoping to get a deeper understanding of why Kurt liked it. Kurt's heart felt warm in his chest and slowly opened the door to the bathroom.
"Finn, I need to talk to you!"
"Uhhhhh…" Finn's shaky voice came from inside the shower curtain. "Can it wait? I'm showering."
"No, Finn! I have so much to say, and if I don't let it out now, I might forget it all! And it's really important; I understand now—"
"Okay Kurt, shower time is my private time. We discussed this…I'll get out of the shower soon, and then I promise you, we will talk as much as you want."
"But Finn—"
"I'M IGNORING YOU. WE WILL TALK WHEN I'M OUT OF THE SHOWER—OH MY GODD!"
Kurt jumped into the shower with Finn, fully clothed. He squealed a little as the stream of water hit him, drenching his vest.
"KURT. I AM NAKED. THIS IS SO INAPPROPRIATE."
"I'm not looking. Listen to me!" Kurt stared into Finn's eyes. "I heard you singing my song. And I realized that you weren't doing this for yourself, you were doing it for me. You really do love me. And I was afraid that you were going to hurt me again…I was so scared, but I think you're serious. I don't really care that you might hurt me again, because I love you too. Oh, God. I love you so much, Finn…and I—"
"Shh." Finn pressed a wet finger against Kurt's lips. Kurt took in the sight before him. Finn Hudson, naked as the day he was born, water streaming down his body, and a look in his eyes…that look! Kurt didn't even know what to do; he was awestruck.
Finn placed his hands on either side of Kurt's face, pulled him farther into the stream of water, and kissed him more passionately than he had ever kissed Rachel Berry, or anyone else for that matter. Kurt wrapped his arms around Finn's body, feeling his wet locks of hair sticking to his forehead and not caring that his sweater was dry-clean only, because this had to be the most amazing feeling in the world—having the only person he could ever see himself ending up with returning every bit of love to him in wet, sexy kisses. Kurt dared to explore Finn's body a bit with his hands, and he could feel Finn grinning against his mouth.
Finally, the shower had to be shut off, and they emerged from the shower, Finn looking squeaky clean and Kurt looking like a drowned kitten in his sopping wet sweater, jeans, and sneakers.
"Come on, Kurt." Finn smiled mischievously, "Let's get you out of those wet clothes."