One small note to those who have stumbled upon this little piece, you are not obligated to understand the crazy realm that is the human mind when it is under stress and lots of trackerjacker venom. This is merely a look into Peeta's mind during the catatonic days after his rescue from the Capitol's clutches. Also, huge disclaimers for the following: Spencer Day, Apple Trees and Tangerine, the late Françoise Sagan, and, of course, Susanne Collins.
This story is in dedication to my dear friend, Laura, who serves as my muse and my confidant! Love ya, dear!
Every time I woke it was nothing but a blur of images being feed into my consciousness. Cruel images. The kind that gnaws at your sanity. I fought, at first; it felt right to.
No, I think it felt wrong not to.
There is a certain part of me that fought through the haze of pain and lies. Then again, what seemed like hours was only minutes. And hours felt like days. And then... all of time was lost. It would lurch forward, moving quicker than it naturally should. Then other times... the moments seem to move in a languid pace, pulling me towards the center of a downward spiral. And theclock says that I'm half past losing my mind. The only measurement of time that I considered consistent were the intervals between waking to the burning agony of the injections they gave me and the mind numbing pain of all the lies. Lies I had thought -NO! Believed!- were concrete truths.
o o o o o
Her eyes... were they always that shade of gray?
o o o o o
The tapes were constantly on rewind. I could recite hours of film, flinching at each and every moment before the images fed on the lies that lie deep in my mind. The horrors that would appear before me. They were magnified as if the world had stopped just long enough to cheer me on as I screamed. And I begged.
Then the screams weren't mine. They were theirs. Two throat gurgling screams made with voices that came from the gut. They were the howls of an Avox. I begged for mercy. I begged for them. But all the begging only led to more screaming.
o o o o o
In the haze of light and darkness, she would speak to me. Incoherent words strung together with an image of an alleyway. And lightning.
I had thought that I would be safe in my dreams but they took even that from me. I would close my eyes to images of her. Nothing was real. Not even with my eyes wide open. The black box that feed me what I wanted to see became all I hung onto. It was the only thing that rooted itself into my head. Because I did not feel any pain then. Images of her would be filled to the shearing, ear-splitting, howls of anguish. Images of her revolting against the people who have captured me. These people are giving me the harshness of truth and pain for the deceptions. My brain was being cleaned of these fabricated happy memories. Happy memories morphed themselves into horrors beyond my imagination's capabilities. Thus, all of these images must be real. Because if I could not even fathom the cruelty, then what I am seeing must be a reality which I have not created. They morphed like Mutts into a nightmare that never ended. Snarl and snap. Snarl and snap. This mental film... had no beginning and no end. Just one continuous stream of unchecked depression that sought for the deterioration of reality and the unconscious world. It snarled. And it snapped.
o o o o o
What is this madness? What is madness? Is it you? Is it I? Is it the fact that I don't know what is a fact and what isn't anymore? Had I ever distinguished the differences in the first place? I have loved to the point of madness; that which is called madness, that which to me, is perhaps the only sensible way to love. And yet, I want no part in this love anymore.
The lightning struck me... and everything went white.
o o o o o
I could not possibly believe that she had left me. That she was at the root of all the pain that blossomed deep in my chest. I gave her everything. And she... took everything without any form of retribution. How could she? Is it possible to hurt someone so much... to hurt so many innocent people so frequently that one can walk pass a mirror and not be ashamed by their own reflection? She is driving many, many innocent people into a fight she has built with lies. She'll stop at nothing until she has taken everything from me! Why are you so vicious? Why would you rip out the beating heart of a man whose already dying?
o o o o o
"I can save you..." I whisper.
Her hair glistens against the moonlight. My arms must be abnormally heavy this evening because I can't seem to reach out to capture a lock that has escaped the clasp of her elegant ear.
And then... the bird began to sing... and so the pain returns.
o o o o o
I don't know. I don't know . I don't know where I am heading. I don't know. I don't know anything. All I can tell is that you're gone! All I know... all I know is that I've become a something I don't recognize. All your perspectives stand alone in an empty alleyway. Rain pours. lightning illuminates. I'm not the same creature that I was back then. For the slightest of touches– an honest glance– and I realize that I'm never coming back. I will never go back there again. I will not let you taint this world of mine. Where the world is a hue of sunset, the trees sway to a calming melody sung by the wind, and the stars shine against a blanket of indigo blue. This world is perfect. This world is calm. This world glows and glistens along the edges. This world is devoid of you.
o o o o o
I can't see the stars from here. The pain is gone... for now. The "us" that I knew is but distant memory now. It collapsed with the dream of you ever coming back to me. All the months we spent on loneliness... the long nights, short days with conversation... I'd gladly forget them all. If only this peace from the pain would last. If only... I didn't have to wake up anymore.
o o o o o
There's a bleep, bleep, bleep from the traffic of a fleet of machines and a bang, bang, bang like a hammer in my brain as I'm fading... I'm going crazy. The lights are as bright as the lightning that strikes in the pouring rain at midnight. The stars... are no where in sight. Give me back my dream of my home in the Seams. For it is the waking that I fear, for nothing here is as it seems.
o o o o o
WHY WON'T YOU STOP LYING TO EVERYONE? They're all dead because of you! AND TO THINK THAT I LOVED YOU! I see right through you; I see you for what you are. Your lies and deceptions are laying dormant in false hopes. Your hair is caked with blood from the dead. Your voice is laced with malice and half-truths. And your eyes... especially your eyes... cold, gray eyes... eyes I once loved... manipulate those in your life to follow you straight into a death trap. Don't go Delly! Don't follow her! She's lying to you! She snarls and she snaps. You'll be dead too. Her venom is masked behind beautiful gray eyes and a breathtakingly sweet voice. She's nothing more than a creation they have invented for us simple minded fools to fall for. Hurry! Run! Quickly, before she snaps!