Weakness Within (Who We Could Have Been)
Lee Adama considers the women in his life and his own self-loathing after getting shot in Sacrifice but before The Captain's Hand. Story roughly follows the canon arc from there, but several differences appear as far as relationships of the characters go. Contains LeeDee, implied LeeKara, and mentions of DeeBilly.
Disclaimer: Battlestar Galactica and its characters do not belong to me, of course. I'm just dabbling in the fandom.
Part I: Recovery
Lee Adama felt like a dwarf star, and caught in his innermost orbit were two women. On the one hand there was the destructive Kara Thrace; insubordinate, wild, rebellious Starbuck. Their history spanned the length of their commissions in the Colonial Fleet back to when Kara and Lee's brother Zak had their relationship... before Zak died, at least. It felt like a lifetime ago. One the other hand, however, there was the sweet, earnest Anastasia 'Dee' Dualla. The two women couldn't be more different, Lee considered, and therein lied his problem. Between the two he had the perfect woman, but his heart – or loins, if he were to be perfectly honest – was torn between the conflicting gravity wells of their orbits around him, the bright shining Apollo.
When Lee had first arrived on the Galactica, he'd been arrogant and full of rage. After time, that bristling demeanor had worn away; giving way to deeper, darker emotions that seemed to be present in the eyes of every crewmember on Galactica. Some of his self-confidence eroded. Lee began to doubt himself, to question his own judgment and second-guess every decision and order. The fleet, no thanks to President Roslin, held him aloft as some shining beacon of hope. The god Apollo come to life, she'd claimed more than once, trying to turn him into some kind of icon for hope and faith. Unfortunately the added attention and responsibility weighed heavily on Lee's shoulders and conscience. He smiled less now, Dee had told him once, and he spent more time burning off frustration and stress in the Galactica's gym.
But through it all, all the doubt and depression, one constant remained true. No matter what level of despair or self-loathing Lee could reach, Dee was always there for him, his bright star in the sky. She never demanded anything from him except for his affection and she gave him everything she had in her. Her off duty hours were his, if he wished it, she'd be there whenever he wanted or needed her presence. Her face was the only image that stayed with him after being shot on Cloud 9, another of many close brushes with death. And sure enough, she'd been there when he woke up, sitting beside his hospital gurney. The first sensation he remembered after waking was the feel of her soft, delicate hand in his.
Dee was unlike Kara in so many ways. Kara was wild and untamed, she did what she wanted – or who, for that matter – when she wanted, everyone else be damned. Kara only cared about number one, and even though the woman often haunted Lee's dreams, he knew the truth deep down. She was a destructive force, a hurricane, consuming everyone and everything in her path and sewing a path of devastation wherever she went. But worst of all, she was so mind-numbingly there that he couldn't shake her from his scopes. She stuck to him like a Cylon Raider, whether he wanted her there or not.
"Hey you," a soft voice interrupted Lee's thoughts; he blinked his eyes open against the overhead lights overhead. The very Dee from his thoughts was leaning casually against the bulkhead beside the hatch.
"Dee," he murmured, watching her enter the room and take a position sitting on the edge of his bunk. Her delicate hands found his wired shoulders, kneading and working the tension from his body as she leaned over him. Lee's eyes fluttered as her lips found his neck, brushing a trail of light kisses along his neckline. It was little gestures like this that made Lee fall in love with Dee all over again on a daily basis, something Kara could never do. Her kisses were soft, caring, desperate at times, but it was always more than raw animal passion or a release from the harsh realities around them.
Lee strained his neck and pressed his lips against Dee's and returned the favor. She'd recently developed a troublesome habit of interrupting his 'rest and recuperation' time when she got off her shift, but he never complained. Doc Cottle had once or twice, but never Lee.
"I missed you," Dee breathed against his neck, leaning into him like a pillow, but mindful of his gunshot wound on the right pectoral. Her arms were wrapped around his shoulders protectively, lending her strength to him.
There was a time in Lee's life when he thought he deserved someone like Dee in his life, like the universe owed him something, but not anymore. He struggled on a day-to-day basis to understand what she saw in him. "Missed you too, Dee. How was your shift?"
She shrugged, resting on her elbows. "Not so bad, fairly quiet. Feeling any better?"
Lee groaned slightly as she shifted, forcing him to flex the muscle that was still healing. "I think I'd feel better if I hadn't recovered," he replied with a wry grin and light chuckle.
A slight grin found its way to her lips as she gently punched him on the other shoulder. "Don't talk like that. Some of us would miss you," she added poignantly, poking his shoulder in the same spot she'd punched him just moments before.
"Like who?"
"Your father, for one."
"Mmm. And?"
"The pilots."
"They've got Starbuck."
"And Starbuck."
Lee blinked a few times and met Dee's eyes carefully. His relationship with Kara had always been a significant issue between them, Lee knew, but he also knew that Kara was dangerous. Lee brushed his knuckles against her cheek with a loving caress. "Forget about her, Dee. It's just you and me."
She smiled into his touch. Her lips found his again and soon the rest of the world was a blur to them, so lost in the ministrations of the other. For once they forgot about all of the other concerns in the universe. They were just content to be together and to be loved. Lee had been lonely for so long, he couldn't remember ever feeling as fulfilled as he did with Dee, and since she kept returning to him he assumed she felt the same way. They were still blissfully unaware of the world around them despite the incessant knocking at the door. Dee's hands were navigating the sleek contours of his chest and stomach; his hands playing with the belt on her duty trousers.
"As much as I," she whispered against his lips, between fierce kisses, "like where this is going," another kiss, "we should really head down to the gym," kiss, "and get you some physio." Dee melted into his embrace and touch, letting him slide her duty jacket off and allowed him to keep working on her trousers. Her determination to help him recover disappeared into thin air as his rough hands found the bare skin of her stomach. The warmth of his hands caressing her entire body was almost too much. She gasped aloud.
Lee's lips found their way to her neck, evoking a soft moan that she scarcely realized even came from her. "You are my physiotherapy," he murmured, helping her out of her tank tops. Dee reached back to release the clip that held her hair up, allowing dark strands of her hair to curtain their faces in intimate privacy. He pecked her lips with the umpteenth kiss of the evening. With marked effort, Lee grunted as he rolled them over so he was on top of Dee. A grimace briefly marred his chiseled expression. Her eyes betrayed her worry and concern. Her hands gently found their way to the very obvious wound on his chest. They pressed against the muscle, two fingers brushing the scar tissue lightly. Lee might have considered the act erotic, had he not been so lost in the compassion that had replaced worry in her eyes. After another couple heartbeats her eyes locked on his again.
"I almost lost you there," she remarked so quietly that Lee almost did not hear her, but he had, and an understanding smile returned to his expression.
"But you didn't," he replied, tracing the outline of her lips with his thumb and forefinger. "You're here, I'm here, what else could we ask for?"
A commotion at the door interrupted their private moment. The voices of several pilots were protesting being locked out of their shared quarters. "Privacy," Dee replied with a giggle, answering his question.
Lee laughed. "Alright, let's head to the gym. We can continue this later."
"Promise?"
His only reply was his lips on hers.
I was sitting around, taking a break from the final draft of my latest SG-1 fic, and decided to try something new. This was the lovechild of too much painkillers, not enough sleep, and watching way too much BSG on DVD. Please review. I'm not sure how far I'm going to go with this, but I imagine another few parts are in order. Thank you for reading.