Notes: Written by a prompt on tumblr (or at least it was meant to be, originally, but I probably changed it beyond recognition). Hope you enjoy it!
Alec wasn't quite sure what had changed all of a sudden.
Or rather, he wasn't sure why. There had been no preamble whatsoever and for a while, Alec had seen no reason to be worried. Even when taking their bond into consideration, Jace was still somewhat of a mystery occasionally and he usually dealt best with whatever was bothering him if he was left alone. Alec had no doubt that he would share it eventually – he usually did – but when days stretched into weeks and Jace's unexplained behaviour showed no sign of fading away, his mind started to wander.
He'd had an inkling that something in their relationship had changed; there was no doubt about that. If he tried to pinpoint the moment he'd first noticed, he usually recalled one of their hunts almost a month ago that had been minutes away from ending in a disaster. They'd been severely outnumbered and one of the demons had struck Alec seconds before he'd killed it, leaving its sting deep enough in his arm for him to be unable to remove it on the spot. Jace had rushed over to him and had helped him get back to the Institute and Alec vaguely remembered thinking that he'd never seen him quite so scared. He'd been pale as a sheet and, while he'd visited during Alec's stay in the infirmary, he'd always been awfully quiet.
It hadn't been enough to keep Alec from reaching out to him and try and look for the reason. That was the thing about the parabatai bond; he could never truly ignore anything Jace was feeling if it was strong enough and while that didn't mean that he always understood the source of it – they were granted some semblance of privacy, after all – it was always at the back of his mind; a constant presence that never failed to distract him once he paid enough attention to it. He made an effort not to do that – delving into their bond was a two-way street and there was no way he was going to let Jace see everything that went through his mind whenever he saw him, his resolve only strengthening when he felt something gradually changing on Jace's end too; something restrained and quiet (familiar, Alec thought, because it was dangerously close to what he himself kept thinking on a daily basis) and more than enough for Alec to close himself off as much as he could.
In a way, it was easier like this - studiously avoiding any implication that Jace might want something more from him; something that they both knew could never see the light of day. Jace had always accused him of dealing with his problems by avoiding them, after all. It was about time to prove him right.
Making that decision, as difficult as it had been, hadn't achieved much, although it had managed to make Alec more attentive of everything his parabatai was doing than he had ever been. Jace had always been affectionate with him, ever since they'd started getting to know each other better, but it was different now – to some degree, it felt like every little gesture had a purpose now and Alec was hyperaware of it all – the lingering touches, the prolonged looks, and, most of all, the persistent feeling that Jace was trying to hint at something with the same lack of subtlety he showed for everything else. It was maddening to even think about – Alec couldn't deny that he had imagined this happening, but it had never been anything like this. Angel, he couldn't even be sure if Jace knew what he was doing, and it was still enough to make him even more guarded than he had been before.
Realising that this new course of action didn't sway Jace in the slightest didn't really come as a shock. It shouldn't have made any difference - he was still just as affectionate as he had always been when it came to Alec, but there was an edge to it now that hadn't been there before, something that made him vaguely uneasy and almost ecstatic all at the same time. It was exhausting to try and tiptoe around the issue, but it was the only possible solution Alec could imagine. He knew better than anyway that Jace had plenty of experience with reining in his feelings, no matter what - or who - they were directed at, but this case seemed to be the exception. If he was given any hint, even the most insignificant one, that his feelings were returned, he would never give up. There would be no threat of punishment severe enough to convince him that following his heart wasn't the right way to go.
So Alec kept quiet. He took everything Jace felt the same way he had dealt with his own feelings for years - with their bond serving as a constant reminder that it didn't matter what Jace said or did; that there was no going back from the decision they had made.
Alec wasn't surprised to realise that he wouldn't have changed anything even if he'd had the chance. He couldn't imagine a life without the parabatai bond, could barely remember what it had been like to live without it and slowly, this new, tentative kind of love became a part of it too. It was the only conceivable solution - tricking his brain into thinking that things had always been that way was almost too easy once he started considering their new situation as if it was just another aspect of their bond. If there was one thing that Alec could be sure of, it was the fact that there was nothing he couldn't deal with if he thought that it would keep his parabatai safe.
If Jace had noticed his efforts, he didn't let it show. It only served to make things between them even tenser, habits that had come to them naturally before now turning into something else entirely. It was frustrating and it would only get worse the longer they went without addressing it, Alec was aware of that, but he couldn't make himself do something about it, either.
Of course, he should have expected that Jace would take that as a challenge.
o.O.o
The most surprising part of the whirlwind of emotions Jace had gone through in the limited time he'd had was probably the fact that the parabatai bond had remained relatively unchanged.
He couldn't really tell what he'd expected. A major shift in the way he felt Alec's soul through their bond, maybe. The Angel's divine anger striking him down for daring to think, even in his moment of desperation, that there was no way he was going to lose Alec to a demon's poison or to anything, if he had any say in it, and that he was never letting him out of his sight again no matter what happened. I love you, he'd thought, gripping Alec's hand so tight that he would have probably pulled away already if he could actually feel anything below his elbow. The Warlock who had come to heal him insisted that he'd stopped the poison from spreading, but Jace couldn't force himself into believing it until he could see Alec open his eyes again. You can't leave me. You're not going to leave me.
Unsurprisingly, Alec had listened. He usually did when Jace talked, even if he always made sure to make a point of how much better it would be if they could just stick to the initial plan. If anything, that thought had only made him happier and Alec's inevitable analysis of what exactly they'd done wrong on the mission had suddenly turned into music for Jace's ears. If he could complain, then he was back in full fighting shape and that alone was enough to make Jace feel dizzy with relief.
Slowly, things went back to normal. They always did, in the end: Shadowhunters couldn't afford to remain shaken from accidents for too long. Alec went back to his duties, seemingly without noticing that somewhere along the way, Jace's world had turned upside down. Quite on the contrary, actually: he was more distant than he'd ever been since they'd said their vows for the first time and, little by little, Jace started putting everything together.
Their bond didn't feel any different; not on his end, anyway. He was sure that he would have noticed and from then on, it wasn't really difficult to figure it out. Unlike him, Alec had noticed the abrupt change and had started drawing away from him because he already knew what would follow if he didn't; knew that he had to be the one to keep the distance between them because there was no way Jace was going to sense the alteration in their bond. Not when his feelings hadn't changed from the start.
The realisation had changed everything. Bearing the burden of his own secret was something Jace could deal with; letting Alec go through the same thing after he'd been hiding it for so long was something entirely different. It was somewhere around that point that he tried to make his attention more obvious than was probably safe, waiting for Alec to react with anything at all. Or – as was the case with Alec most often – waiting for him to finally snap.
"What do you want from me?" His parabatai sounded exhausted, and for a moment Jace felt almost guilty for being the reason they'd ended up in this position. Almost. Alec was still here, after all, even after Jace had challenged him in every way he could think of, and he would do anything in his power to keep him there for as long as possible. "What do you expect me to do, Jace? I can't-" His voice died and he ran a hand through his hair, clearly trying to channel his frustration into the gesture. "You have to tell me, because I can't figure it out."
Jace took a tentative step closer, reaching out to place his hand on Alec's shoulder and ground them both as much as possible. Alec didn't step away and Jace considered that a small victory. This really wasn't the best moment for this – after a routine mission, with Alec's Seraph blade still covered in ichor and dripping on the ground. It had been a reminder of the mission that had started all of this, though, and they'd both been too wound up for the fragile peace between them to last. He couldn't find it in himself to regret that too much; not when it filled him with so much hope.
"Kiss me." Jace was standing on a precipice with Alec's touch as the only thing keeping him on the surface; one wrong word, one wrong move, and they'd both end up falling. "How about that? Kiss me, and we can figure it out from there."
He held his breath in the silence that followed, only to release it with a smile as soon as Alec nodded and crossed the small distance still left between them.
Jace closed his eyes and stepped over the edge.