If somebody told me this time last year I'd be sleeping with a girl I'm considering marrying, I probably would have said something incredibly scathing—then skulked off to think about how lonely I was. It's true though, I am considering marrying miss Christian. Of course, what I didn't know at the time was that she set the whole thing up. She's always been very cunning. Not as academic as I am, but very street smart. Savvy to complement my smarts, she likes to say.
So, this all starts about eight months ago, on the overland express. I'm travelling through Europe on an exchange program, Lofoten to Darmstadt, trading the beautiful islands of my home for the concrete jungle of Europe's greatest science center. I think maybe I'm not setting the scene very well, too much summary getting in here.
"You've got that right," and Anna—miss Christian—is leaning over my shoulder looking at my work. "Here, why don't you sound it out with me first. I like hearing your side. You keep the details so well."
"Alright then," I stretched out my arms and laced my fingers together. "But I'm putting in the fact you set me up from the start."
"Figured you would," she leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. "I deserve it."
She really does.
—∞—
I was on my way through Denmark when she boarded the train, sitting in the lounge car. It wasn't that full, but still she chose the seat opposite mine, so I had to pay attention. Close attention, because redheads have always been my weakness. Sonya and Hanne will tell you as much. She was wearing a dark green sundress that perfectly complemented her turquoise eyes. She kept her hair in twin braids, thrown behind her shoulders, and from the dress, apparently wasn't afraid to show some skin. Her lips parted as if she was about to speak, but something out the window suddenly caught her attention. She waved brightly then began rummaging in her bag.
I cursed inwardly, somehow knowing she was already taken. I was stupid, and shallow. It was a chocolate bar, one she ate with great gusto while somehow maintaining a great level of decorum. It was my turn to look away, embarrassed my mind had only thought of her in one way since seeing her. She whispered something, then cleared her throat.
"Hey, you want a bite?"
She was pointing the chocolate bar towards me. I just stared at her, not quite comprehending.
"Okay then." She shrugged and continued eating.
I looked down at her bag—not even a big rucksack, just a regular old backpack. I began to wonder if she'd just wandered out to stretch her legs at this stop. I was fairly sure I'd have noticed her before. So she was either travelling a short distance on the overlander, or she already had her own cabin. The latter brought with it a whole host of ideas—and problems. I didn't even know her name, but I got the distinct feeling that she'd sought me out specifically. Only a scattering of people in the afternoon. I figured it would be rude not to introduce myself.
"Elsa Vinter."
"Anna Christian."
And that was pretty much it—or so I thought, returning to my book. I got through another three chapters before it was time for dinner. But somehow, as I got up, I got horribly, horribly tangled with miss Christian's belongings. And body. I was lying on top of her, one hand against the floor of the carriage, the other squarely over her breast. I was expecting outrage, or at least embarrassment. I was not expecting a lasciviously suggestive wink.
"Like what you're feeling, miss Vinter?"
I scrambled back madly and sat cross-legged in the aisle, just staring at her. She looked at me as if to say nothing had happened. I knew what I'd heard. Too shocked to do anything else, I up and ran, leaving her on the floor of the train. Stopping to check my pockets brought me up short. Nothing was missing. There was something new. I took it out with some trepidation. It had a cabin number on it—and a time. Very late at night.
I stared at the time. Did she think I was just going to be some cheap fling? I almost threw the card out right then and there in a fit of pique, but ever since breaking up with Hanne I'd been desperately lonely. Maybe I needed a one night stand. It wasn't like she'd be staying on the train much longer afterwards anyway. Maybe I just wanted some company for a little while. Without realising it I'd already decided I was going to see her.
The sun was setting as the attendants served dinner in the dining car, red and gold line livery complementing the rich walnut and mahogany furniture. The overlander was, after all, a train to ride for the journey. It took days to travel, but that was part of the appeal; a sort anachronism that remained healthily profitable for the rail company. There are always going to be nostalgic saps like me who are willing to pay a premium for an experience.
It was a fish dinner, seared salmon with a combination of summer vegetables and variety of breads to serve as an appetiser. A slightly unusual combination, but paired with a fine wine it was both delicious and memorable. The lights were on low for dessert, and she came to me then, a vision in a low-cut green sequinned evening gown. I had to squint slightly to make out the pattern—the sequins were sown into leaves and sunbursts, backed by a green silk so rich it was almost black. I felt more than a little underdressed in my suit, sans tie. I had a dinner jacket at least.
"I've never seen another woman fill out a suit quite so handsomely," she offered me her hand as she spoke. "May I have some of your time—and possibly dessert?"
I looked her up and down, trying to figure out what her game was. It was clear she was flirting with me now, but there was something behind those eyes, a spark of something deep and closely held. I rose and took her hand.
I cleared my throat before speaking. "Miss Christian, I—"
"Anna, please," she gave me a wink as we sat again.
"Alright then, Anna, I've been spending all this evening trying to figure out your game."
"You did get my card, right?" She seemed more than a little anxious about that. "I mean, I might have accidentally grabbed you a bit too, but I was just trying to find a damn pocket, okay?"
I was confused once again. I knew she'd put the card there, but in my embarrassment about accidentally fondling her breast I somehow hadn't felt her hands on mine.
"Please tell me I didn't manage to leave it on the floor or under the seat and some random shows up tonight thinking they're getting lucky—geez, I can't go through that again."
I stared at her, the words finally registering. "Wait, again?"
"Umm…" she bit her lip, staring at my wineglass.
"How long have you been on the train?"
"Since Stavanger," she looked out the window, her turn doing nothing to hide her subtle blush. "I saw you that first night, and, well… you were mysterious and alluring, only ever here, or sitting in the lounge in the afternoon. I figured you must be staying for the long haul to somewhere, so I decided to continue my journey past Copenhagen. Hey, don't give me that look, it's not like I'm stalking yo… oh, umm, I guess I kind of explained it badly."
My scowl could have melted steel. "Very."
"Okay, okay, yes, I did kind of set you up this afternoon—but I'm here to apologise for being underhanded about it. I've got such a girl-crush on you right now, and I don't know why, but I was hoping we could get some time together and learn about each other."
"In bed, if your card is anything to go by."
It was then that she face-palmed, realising the implications behind the time and the cabin number on the card. "Oh, yeah, I'm an idiot sometimes."
I gave her a gentle laugh, hoping it didn't seem to mocking. "You know, you're not making the best first impression you could be. Even if you are dressed to kill. Or at least injure."
She laughed brightly at that, a hint of confusion in her eyes. She turned back to me, a much more serious look on her face. "I–I just want to talk tonight. I–is–is that okay w–with you?"
Dammit, but that stammer was so cute. I almost hated myself for not answering right away, because she kept talking.
"I–I guess it's okay if you don't want to, or you w–want m–m–more like the card kinda says. It's kinda my fault that thi–this keeps happening to me."
I looked her up and down again, wondering where all the blustery confidence from this afternoon had gone. "Please," I reached over to press a finger against her lips. "Stop talking." I hated the sudden despair I saw in her eyes. "Just give me a moment to think, okay?"
She blinked and brightened up at that. "Hey, would you like me to pay for dessert?"
I frowned softly. "A moment, please; and you don't have to."
She was much quieter this time, picking up a menu—but not quickly enough to hide her blush; or that shy little smile. She thought she'd been successful. I was pretty sure that was what the smile was about. It wasn't smug though—that would've been a deal breaker. But this girl—this young woman—having the courage to finally up and just talk to me; wanting to talk to me, but offering me sex because that's what she'd accidentally promised? I was quite taken aback. Quite taken with her, too, if I was honest.
She put the menu down and took a cautious sip of my wine. I didn't complain, or even give her the look. I was still processing my feelings, and telling my libido to behave itself, because my eyes were starting to undress her behind that wonderfully low-cut gown, imagining all the places those freckles would descend to, imaging how soft her skin would be, what her lips would feel like, how strong her tongue might be. I turned away, embarrassed by my obvious lust.
Her hand somehow found mine across the table. "It's okay, miss Vinter," she smiled shyly at me as I turned around again. "I didn't wear this dress for people to ignore my body."
"And you're okay with me doing that?"
She smiled and blushed, looking me straight in the eye. "You think I haven't been imagining what you look like without that suit?"
Well, fair's fair. I looked at her again, inspired by the sudden resurgence of confidence she showed. "I hadn't given much thought to what you might be thinking. I think that might be unfair of me."
"We could talk about fairness over dessert, if you like?"
"Okay, fine," I agreed with some reservation. "But we can split the bill, okay?"
"Okay. I'm getting a slice of the devil's gateau then. You?"
"Brandy snaps with mint chocolate ice-cream."
"Alcoholic." And she poked her tongue out at me.
"I'd say something about hips and chocolate, but… I like those hips." I'd been emboldened by her candour and humour. And maybe just a little by the wine.
"There's a lot of me to like," she smiled across at me. "And I hope you do. Not just my body either—though I'm okay with that. I want you to know me, the real me."
"Well, I already know you talk a lot," she laughed at that, looking away bashfully. "And you're confident, even if you did need a bit of courage and cunning to get to me. Okay, don't get me wrong, the almost-stalking thing did throw me, but I can see now your intentions were good. I'm actually surprised I hadn't seen you before."
The waiter arrived with our desserts, and Anna dug in heartily, continuing the conversation as she ate. "I've been sort of hiding, getting out of a bad relationship, and just—any time I thought you might have seen me I kinda ran away. I know, I'm a chicken, but it took time to work up the courage to even sit next to you. I wasn't even sure I could arrange my bag right so you'd land on me."
I crunched my way through a brandy snap before replying. "You hid pretty well then." It took me a few more seconds to process everything else she'd said. "I hope it wasn't abusive."
She looked away, staring off into the dusky skyline out the window.
"Okay, I won't press you."
"Thank you." It was the most sincere I'd heard her sound all evening. There was a lot of relief in there too. "Can ask if you're seeing anyone right now—I don't want to make you unfaithful or anything, I—"
"I broke up with my last girlfriend a few months ago," I had a spoonful of ice-cream before continuing. "It just didn't work, we were going different places with our lives, and she was planning on a big OE anyway."
"Sorry."
"It's nobody's fault, it just… happens sometimes."
She didn't have a good reply—she tried a couple of times, then decided silence would be better. She was also demolishing the gateau at a rate of knots. There was also a spot of chocolate at the corner of her mouth that she hadn't noticed. I reached over with the serviette in my hands, and for just a split second she shied away before realising what I was going for. After dabbing the chocolate off her, I sat and looked away. I knew what that kind of movement meant. I knew my fists were balled in anger, and tension surged through my shoulders. How dare her ex do that. The bitch.
Our conversation continued haltingly through the rest of dessert, ending with me offering her half a brandy snap. She rose, looking as if she was about to bolt. I reached out to her, gently touching her hand, caressing her palm. I made her a promise I wouldn't soon forget.
"I'll come by later, like you wanted," there was a pause, and she looked back at me, not quite sure what was happening. "What happens then is your choice."
It was hard deciding what to wear, trying to keep my libido in check, and remove my makeup at the same time—I never wore much, just a bit of concealer or blush, and maybe some subtle eye shadow. Mascara too, if I wanted to be fancy. Right now I was in the tiny cubicle my cabin offered for washing up, cleaning off every trace of makeup as I showered. I managed to keep my hands from wandering too far, but a body needs to be clean.
Back in the main section of my cabin I looked at the clothes I'd set out. I decided on the ice blue chemise and briefs, slipping into them and psyching myself up for something that might be more than just two people meeting. Also, given that I'd be wandering the train late at night, I took the precaution of wearing a dressing gown—long, white, and gloriously warm and fluffy. I also slipped my phone into the gown's pocket. My hair was unbound, though still a little damp.
No one else was up, just the night conductor doing his rounds through the sleeper cars, and he gave me a knowing smile. I felt my cheeks flush. There was nothing I could have done to deny what he thought was about to happen, so I just returned the smile and continued on. I heard him chuckling softly behind me, muttering something about spring chickens. I paid it no further thought, arriving outside Anna's door without further incident. I'd barely knocked a second time before she dragged me inside and slammed the door shut.
"Huh, nice dressing gown. I guess it might be a bit cold out."
When I looked back at her, illuminated only by the cabin's reading lamp, she was climbing back under the covers of her bed.
"What?" she gave me a questioning look. "It's warmer in here."
"Because you're in there?" I was teasing her, sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from her. It seemed like it was my turn to be the shy one.
"Well, m–maybe, if you want to sh–share with me."
"Maybe." I shifted a little to face her better, enjoying the way the light from the reading lamp seemed to sculpt her nose and cheeks. She really was very cute. "I'm here because you wanted me here, that's it."
"Oh, okay," she sounded a little disappointed. "Oh, oh… so, no pressure at all?"
"None," my hand found hers through the covers. "Just go as far as you're comfortable—and I'll tell you if I'm uncomfortable."
"That sounds fair," and suddenly I was being pulled towards her by hands of quite surprising strength. "And I just want to like I you really know—wait, what?"
I laughed, maybe a little unfairly, at her sudden jumble of words. She was quite clearly missing a filter somewhere. Several, perhaps. She was looking up at me expectantly. I shrugged. "I got nothing."
She laughed, trying to slow herself down this time. "I just want you. To know. I really like you."
That I understood very well. I let her pull me down on top of her, over the covers. I just lay next to her for a moment, watching her as she watched me. Her turquoise eyes shone in the dim light, and her hair had turned into messy ringlets of copper. She pulled me into a tight hug and then quickly turned away, but I could feel the heat coming off her neck and shoulders.
"You don't have to hide it," I wrapped my arms protectively around her. "I'll stay here as long as you like."
She turned her head to face me, copper hair tangling with my own platinum tresses—and getting stuck up my nose. "Really?" She sounded so unsure I was absolutely shocked, any idea of a sneeze suddenly thrown out the window.
"Really," I assured her with a kiss on the cheek. "I get the feeling you haven't been intimate with anyone in a long time."
"Hey, I was willing to fu—"
"Stop," I kissed her again, on the cheek. "Intimacy doesn't always mean sex, okay?" She turned towards me, suddenly far more interested in what I was saying. "It's about something more than physical, it's about two people bonding, sharing, helping each other. It's about being vulnerable, and offering someone your heart even though you know they might break it. It's about being able to accept someone who wants to be close to you, and wanting to get close to them in turn."
She fixed me with a hard stare. "What you're describing, miss Vinter, sounds a lot more like love than just intimacy."
I gave her a sly look. "Maybe I'm just explaining it badly."
"Hey—oh." The look of dawning comprehension was breathtaking. "You weren't just talking about intimacy, were you—this is about you, right? And me?"
I turned my eyes away, studying the livery pattern embroidered on her duvet. "I made it pretty obvious, didn't I?"
"Well, a little bit," she conceded. "But why me?"
"I'll tell you the truth, but it might sting a little, okay?"
"I'd much rather a stinging truth than a soothing lie right now." I saw it in her eyes, more evidence of what her ex had done to her.
"I'm lonely. I don't know anyone around here. I don't even know if I'll be able to make any friends when I get to Darmstadt."
"I'm sure you'll be fine." She frowned, her brow furrowed in deep thought. "Hey, I think I have some relatives in Bonn. It wouldn't be too far to visit on weekends if you wanted."
It was my turn to be surprised and unsure. "Really?"
"Sure, why not, they're pretty welcoming folks. Rapunzel's like my first cousin twice removed or something, and I sort of knew Eugene at school."
I just stared at her. "Seriously, Rapunzel?"
"Like the story, yeah. But she grew up an orphan, so she couldn't really hate her parents that much. Her first step-mother though, she's got some horror stories."
"Who, the mother, or Rapunzel?"
"'punzie does. She hated the bitch. Always on and on about her hair, getting tangled in it, leaving stray hairs on all the stuffy old furniture, trying to keep her locked in a room except for mealtimes. I'm not even sure she'd like me telling you this."
"I won't tell then," I gave her a wink.
"What happens in my cabin stays in my cabin?"
"If you want it that way."
"I–I… maybe. I don't know yet."
"Can I ask a possibly insensitive question?"
She gave me a warning look. "About what?"
"Sex."
She sighed heavily, pushing herself further from me. "Fine." It clearly wasn't.
"No, not like that—or yes, maybe, but not now. I wanted to ask what you wanted out of it. And the maybe the last time you did it."
"Oh… oh, umm; that's a little more okay then," she shuffled closer, one arm wrapping around my shoulders. "I guess I want what most girls my age want—to get off, and good. I mean, I'd like to like the person too, but it doesn't have to be that way. And honestly, not counting what I did for that one desperate guy, it's been weeks."
"Only weeks?"
"Bit of a dry spell, okay, so sue me. I wanted to find someone."
"Nearly six months now," I couldn't help but laugh at her shocked gasp. "And life just keeps getting in my way."
"Okay, I honestly have no idea how you're not under these blankets tearing my clothes off right now."
"Respect, and self-control—though I probably would screw you senseless right now if you started flirting with me."
"Miss Vinter!" Her shocked gasp was quite put on. "Is that a warning or a promise?"
"Both?" I ventured, unsure quite how the night had taken that turn.
She looked at me with longing and trepidation, and her silence stretched out to fill volumes. I wasn't about to break the moment. Finally she turned to me and held me close, whispering in my ear. "Does it have to be tonight?"
I shook my head slowly, closing my eyes and holding her close. "No, no it doesn't."
"I'd like it if… if we could cuddle though." She lifted the covers, inviting me in. "I've been lonely too, maybe more than I want to admit. It'd be nice to… to just…"
She couldn't finish. I could hear her sobs as she tried to talk, wrapped in my arms, bundled against my gown under those covers. It had been so long for her, since anyone had loved her gently and warmly, she'd forgotten what it felt like. The comfort of being held in another's arms. My tears fell quietly in the night, knowing I could never let her go; never let the world try and chew her up like that again. We kissed in the dark, salty tears running down our cheeks and staining the pillows. She'd almost forgotten what it was like to be truly loved by someone; I'd almost forgotten what it meant to truly love someone.
The night was dark, and full of tears, but somehow now they were happy tears, rejoicing in the fact we had found each other. We woke slowly, me before her, and as her eyes fluttered open I stole a kiss, holding her close. Her look of bewilderment quickly changed to one of hearty contentment. We spent the morning lying in her bed, talking—just talking. We learned so much. We agreed to meet in Bonn, a few weeks later.
—∞—
"I sometimes think it was Bonn that brought us together," I give my girlfriend a little smile. "But that was after. After you finally worked up the courage to talk to me even once. To get me to feel you up so you could plant that damn card on me."
"Yeah, it was fun in Bonn," Anna laughed brightly. "But you're right, the overlander was what started it all, baring ourselves to each other like that."
"There's one more thing."
It's a surprise—she doesn't know that all this time I still have something from our first night together. I know she'll appreciate it more today, given it's her birthday. Also given that we plan to ride the overlander again tomorrow, travelling back up to Lofoten for the winter holidays. I wait until she's not looking before I pull the card from my pocket. I flick down on the floor in front of her. I can almost taste her surprise as she flips it over and reads it.
"Really?" she looks at me, happy tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. "All this time?"
I nodded. "All this time. You think I'd forget something that important."
She smiles at me and shakes her head. "No. Not you."
I give her the same adoring smile. "It's also why I packed your suitcase for you."
She just laughs, the sound echoing gaily around the tiny student dorm. I love that laugh. I love her. I've already sounded her out, so I know she's likely to say yes, but she doesn't know exactly that I'm planning to propose to her on this trip back to Lofoten. She hasn't noticed my tiny post-script on the card yet. I'll pack it conveniently in her luggage. She'll see it when the time is right. I just hope I'll have enough time to fish the ring out while she's processing that.
We'll see.
