Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from D:TNG. I'm not pretending to, either. IF I did own them Sean and Emma would never have broken up. And Sean might be shirtless more often.
Author's Note: I think this is the most fluffy fan fiction I have ever written. Not to say it is all fluff (or really even that fluffy), but just that it isn't as angsty as most of what I have written before. And I'm liking writing something that's a bit more cute than tear jerking.
Timeline: Sometime between Holiday and This Charming Man.
My Charming Man Chapter One: Holiday Hangover
I found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And that reason is you
Hoobaskank
The clock clicked away the seconds in the airless room, Emma's clothes sticking to her in ways that should not be possible in zero degree weather. The cold sweat all over her body was making her shiver and causing her to shift in her chair uncomfortably every few minutes.
Stupid make-up exam, Emma cursed in her head. The first Friday back from winter break and she was holed up in a classroom after school taking a test on material that seemed like years old. Or, at least, an entire holiday too late.
Who needs A Christmas Carol, anyway?
Emma did not need it. All taking the test did was bring up winter break. Which seemed like one endless bad day, one more night following another of laying down in bed and wondering, "Is this really my life now?"
He's going to die, Emma thought without wanting to. That thought was haunting her. Following her from one minute to the next.
Her eyes wandered around the room and fell on Sean, the only other student within the walls, his face looking at the paper in front of him with a mixture of concentration and confusion.
It was rather ironic, and cruel on the part of fate, that Sean would have missed the same exact test she had. Alone in the classroom with no one else but Mrs. Kwan seemed to be leaving a strange twinge in the air. That bond, seldom acknowledged and most often ignored, still existed between them whether Emma liked it or not. It ignited the entire room with a burning fire of 'might have been' that was something wholly alive on its own.
Suddenly his eyes turned upwards from his paper and caught her gaze, causing her to jump and turn away quickly. It was a few more long, drawn out moments before she felt the tell-tale feel of eyes on her disappear.
Emma mentally shook herself and tried to concentrate on the test but the words seemed to be blurring slightly in front of her. In 'A Christmas Carol, what happens on Christmas morning?
Suddenly, a stirring of memories created over a lifetime.
The smell of pancakes, over-easy eggs and toast spreading through the house. The sound of her mother's twinkling voice telling her to, "Wake-up, honey! Its Christmas!" The way that the wrapping paper would crinkling as it was torn off of the presents. Her mother's face lighting up when she would open up her gift.
Then, a stirring of shadows found this year.
The taste of despair, heavy and heady disease permeating through her room.
Her mother's voice, shrill and anxiety laden echoing through the house. "Emma! Go see Jack! Snake's having..."
Her mother didn't need to finish. She knew. There was the sound of gagging and coughing, the sounds of a chemo patient fighting for his life but slowly killing himself none the less. And the innocent and oblivious crying of a baby boy a few room's down.
Emma yanked the covers off, thinking as her feet touched the ground how the floor had never seemed so cold on her soles on any other Christmas morning. How the snow outside her window seemed to tie her further inside someplace she wanted to escape instead of providing an enchanting backdrop.
She winced as she entered the hallway, the noises from her parents' bathroom becoming louder and more obtrusive. Quickly she moved to her brother's room and picked the crying baby up, crooning softly as she did.
With a wistful sigh she thought of how she had wanted Christmas to be at the beginning of the year. A unit. A solid, unbreakable unit. Quietly, she mourned the family she had never quite gotten in the first place.
Emma snapped back to the present, forcing her mind to focus on the multiple choice exam. She moved quickly through the questions, not allowing her mind to think about anything but Dickens and his Christmas centered novel.
Willing herself not to think about anything else.
He's going to die, the thought came slamming through her mind with force. Emma shut her eyes, breathing deeply as her hand curled around her pencil. Her mind froze out everything until she heard the snapping sound of wood and the coarse feel of broken shards within her palm.
"Is everything okay?" Mrs. Kwan asked, coming around her desk and looking at her quizzically.
Emma felt Sean's eyes on her again but ignored him, instead smiling halfheartedly at Mrs. Kwan. "I'm fine, Mrs. Kwan."
She reached down and pulled out another pencil from her bag, nodding her head in affirmation to herself as Mrs. Kwan walked back to her desk. I'm fine.
Resolutely, she looked down at the exam as though it were an army and she was an avenging warrior. I can do this, she thought. I can.
With determination Emma worked quickly through the rest of the questions, falling back on old abilities to focus and concentrate on tasks. When any thought fell into her mind, unbidden, she pushed it aside. By ignoring Sean, the classroom and her own scattered mind she was able to complete the rest of the test quickly.
When she finished circling the answer to the last question she slammed the pencil down and stood up, seeing Sean jump out of the corner of her eye. She didn't care. She just needed to leave. She felt something beginning to roll over her. Something that seemed achingly close to a possible break down and Emma Nelson could not afford one of those.
Not at school in front of Mrs. Kwan. In front of Sean.
Picking her backpack up and swinging it over her shoulders she scurried to the front of the room, Sean's eyes burning into her.
"Done, Emma?" Mrs. Kwan asked, smiling.
"Yes, Mrs. Kwan," Emma nodded, her eyes shifting to the door as she handed the exam to Mrs. Kwan.
"I trust it wasn't too difficult?"
"Um, no. It wasn't. Difficult." Emma's chest was feeling heavy. "I have to go. I'll see you...Monday."
Mrs. Kwan's face washed over with concern. "Are you sure you're okay, Emma?"
"I'm fine!" Emma said loudly, causing Mrs. Kwan to flinch back in surprise. Emma's cheeks flushed as she breathed deeply and reigned in her control. "Perfectly. Long week. Stress. I got to go."
Without waiting for a response Emma ran through the door and out into the corridor, closing the door behind her with a resounding thud.
X
Sean watched the doorway for a few seconds after Emma had walked through it, his mind still caught on her retreating form. He turned his attention back to the test and continued to work even as his mind spun in a different direction.
"I'm fine."
His heart was cracking for her. She wasn't fine. She was suffocating underneath everything. Her parents, school. The inescapable feel of impending death.
And you're the asshole that gave her one more thing to deal with, an angry voice in his head shouted at him. Sean silently agreed.
How had it all become so damaged?
Sean had known Emma since the seventh grade when she hadn't blinked when it came to walking up to him and Jimmy Brooks in the middle of a soon-to-be fight. She had bravely asked him to dance, only a brief flash of uncertainty passing over her features.
He was pretty sure he had fallen hard for her the moment she had come into their English class that same year holding up the ridiculously large pants she was had no choice to wear by their waistband. JT and Toby had thrown jokes her way but she had refused to back down. Instead she had stuck her chin in the air and announced, "I just got my period for the first time," to the entire English class.
And that had been that. Slam, one moment. Two heartbeats.
And then the flourish of a deep and unexpected emotion.
When he had finally kissed her at her mother's wedding, nearly half a year later,
it had merely served to intensify and strengthen the feeling in his heart. From that kiss on, he was willingly hers.
Scanning over the questions a part of his head ran on autopilot, eliminating and circling answers easily and efficiently whether or not he actually knew the correct answer. Another part of him found himself drifting back to lazy afternoons spent at her house over the summer, her form sitting ever so tantalizingly close on the couch.
He could see the sly grin she would shoot him as she would scoot closer, cocking her head to the side in a come hither manner. His Emma, it turned out, was a bit of a flirt. And he could proudly say he was probably the only one who knew how much of a flirt she truly was.
"This movie is so boring."
"Really?" Sean raised his eye brow.
Emma signed dramatically. "Yeah. I can barely keep my eyes open."
Sean brought one hand up to the side of her face to tuck a stray blond strand back behind her ear. "Oh, yeah. Well, maybe I can help."
Emma smiled, her hand bunching up the corner of his shirt and pulling him so that his face was inches from her own. "Maybe you can."
"Maybe," he mumbled against her lips before kissing her deeply.
Emma sighed into his mouth, her hand moving from his shirt to the side of his stomach. Her other hand came up from her lap to wrap around his neck, giving her access to the soft hairs on the back of his neck.
Sean slowly maneuvered her backward till they laid stretched out on the couch, his weight supported by one of his arms as he kissed her. The movie played on in the background unnoticed.
Passion had come naturally to the two of them as soon as they had truly begun dating, that one kiss sparking a fire that was both innocent and surprisingly dangerous. Emma, ever cautious and thinking one step ahead, was always the one to pull back or stop with a soft rebuke.
He used to smile at the way she would look after a heated make-out session with him. Her hair would be tangled and strewn all over the place, causing her to pat it down every few minutes. Her lips would be softly but noticeably swollen, the lower lip jutting out in a way that made him want to start all over again. Her clothing, usually so neat and composed, would be wrinkled and worn looking.
And her eyes, those chocolate brown orbs, would twinkle with mischief, desire and love.
He missed that. His mess. His beautiful, charming and lovely mess.
Sean missed a lot of things about Emma Nelson. Lately he had been making a mental list every time he saw her. Every little remembrance he had about her seemed to be filed under a sticky-note in his brain that read, "Reasons You Miss Emma."
When he had passed her in between third and fourth the Tuesday before vacation, he had come up with the first: The way her hair smelled like strawberries tossed in sugar.
That very afternoon he had been sitting with Jay after school and had seen her smiling with JT about something. There had come number two: Her ability to laugh so easily, so freely.
And after that, each time he saw her, he went through every part of her that he missed. And added something new. Whether it was when he saw her from afar in the hallway. Or flirting with that jackass Chris Sharpe in English.
And, today, he had added another. Number fifty-four: Every single thing.
Sean figured he must be a bit of a masochist because it literally hurt to think about her with all that lay between them now and yet she was every other thought.
He had an image of her trapped in his mind, one that filtered up between all the jumbled thoughts of her. The one had had created on a sunny Wednesday morning where her eyes had danced with hope as she approached him. In the image her eyes bled a kind of gnawing hurt that was only brought forth by true betrayal. Lips, usually curved in a smile, quivered just the slightest. He could nearly feel the emotions swirling within her yet there was no yelling or screaming. Just a quiet acquiesce to the situation, her back ramrod straight as she walked away.
A picture of goodbye.
It had haunted him, that final look she had given him before turning and walking away. Not for the first time he wondered if he had wanted her to shout at him and call him terrible things, names that he undoubtedly deserved. Maybe a, "big, stupid loser." If only she had given him real reasons to hate her and to turn his back on her.
Sean shook himself out of his trance, surprised to see only a few minutes had passed when he glanced at the clock and that only a small portion of the test remained.
I need to find Emma before she leaves, Sean suddenly thought desperately.
There. His fate was decided and his path was chosen. There was no turning back now.
Sean Cameron was going to make Emma Nelson fall back in love with him. What else was there to do? He had never really found the strength to fall out of love with her.
X
The bathroom door slammed behind Emma, making a strange echo off the empty hallway. Degrassi always seemed different after school with all the students cleared out and most of the teachers gone. Almost like a ghost ship with everything in place where it had been left, waiting for the inhabitants to spring it back to life and return.
Even the floor sounded different when you were by yourself and not in a crowded hallway. Her sneakers made a strange and eerie smacking sound against the linoleum floors, a sound she had been unable to hear in the shuffle of the busy hallway between classes.
It all made Emma feel more alone.
Emma turned the corner and found herself at her locker. Barely having to think she entered the combination, opening it with a click before swinging her locker open. Emma went to grab the books she needed but stopped and stared, thinking that the books were stuffed inside at weird angles. Haphazardly and without care. It felt strange, like she was looking at her locker for the first time in months. Or at someone else's locker. When had it become so disorganized? It was usually well kept, everything neatly arranged and in place.
Muttering to herself about spring cleaning Emma yanked out her physics book only to have another book tumble out and smack her in the foot. Yelping and saying a curse she had not even been aware that she knew until a couple of months ago, she cradled her injured foot in her hand and balanced on one leg while the sting went away. When the pain subsided she picked up the book and snorted in annoyance that it was one she would not need and tossed it into the bottom half of her locker.
"Emma! Hey," Emma heard from behind her. "I was hoping I'd catch you."
Emma stiffened, hoping she had hallucinated that voice. She turned around and almost shuddered as her eyes took in the broad shoulders and the lightly colored eyes. She nearly smiled then reminded herself of everything Sean Cameron embodied for her.
Heartbreak. IMissYouSoMuch.
Sadness. I'mNotSureWhatI'veDoneWrong.
Crying curled up next to the uncomforting smell of linty bed covers.
Her eyes shut down all emotion as she steeled herself. "Sean."
He seemed to nearly flinch at her tone but persisted. "How are you?"
Her eyes narrowed as she turned back to her locker, shuffling books around in an attempt to seem uninterested that Sean was approaching her as though nothing had ever happened. As thought he had not shattered her heart into so many little pieces that it would never be put back together properly.
"Fine." Why do you care?
Sean nearly smiled. "So I heard." Emma didn't respond. "Well, that's...that's good. That you're fine."
"Yeah," Emma said.
The silence nearly hummed with tension.
Sean shuffled his feet, the bottoms of his shoes making a squeaking noise that Emma thought sounded like a cat dying. "So, how are things going with Chris?"
Emma looked at him in surprise. "How did you..."
"I saw you guys talking and you just seemed..." Sean shrugged as he looked for the right word, "interested."
"I wouldn't know." Emma pursed her lips, turning back to her locker. " Ask his girlfriend."
"Oh." Sean had a note to his voice that, once upon a time, Emma would have been sure displayed relief. "I didn't know he had a girlfriend."
"Neither did I. How's Amy?"
"I don't know. Ask her."
Emma sighed, letting the book currently in her hand drop to the ground with a resounding thud as she turned back around. "Was there something you wanted, Sean?"
Sean looked at his feet. "Just to talk. You know."
"No, I don't know. And frankly, I'm don't have the time for lost causes. I'm too busy being an 'environmental crusader, a babysitter, a nurse'." Emma winced inwardly. Wrong choice of words. Remembering only shows you care.
Sean inhaled sharply, his blue eyes becoming dark pools that came up to meet head on with her icy ones. "I shouldn't have said that."
"Tell me something I don't know."
Okay, Sean thought. "I-I don't want to be who I've been anymore, Em. I wanna be someone else. Someone I used to be when I was you."
Emma laughed, unmoved "Did you hear that line in a movie? Cause it sucks and is about as lame as you are."
"Its not a line! Its...how I feel."
"Well, sorry to disappoint you Sean, but I don't have time to be your conscious. Maybe its time you got one of you own."
"Why do you always have to..." Sean started but stopped himself. Don't lash out, Cameron.
Sean bit back the urge to run. You knew this wouldn't be easy, a voice inside said. He looked at Emma and saw the girl he had loved, did love and would probably always love. She's worth it.
With that thought Sean Cameron, for the first time since he could remember, didn't lash out in anger or run away when confronted with a difficult situation. Instead, he humbled himself. "I should have said this before. What I did, how I treated you, it sucked. It was wrong. And stupid. I was a stupid jerk. Maybe even a little bit...pathetic. I'm sorry, Emma."
Emma´s eyes narrowed.
I'm sorry. How long had she wanted those two small, insignificant words to come out of his mouth? Two months, three weeks and five days. Only, it felt like it was two months, three weeks and two days too late.
"What exactly are you sorry for, again? I´m having a hard time keeping track. Dumping me? Being insensitive? Acting like a jerk for the last few months?"
Sean's eyes darted around. "Everything. I'm sorry."
"Good. That's good," Emma smiled coldly, the look she gave chilling him. "All fixed. You're forgiven."
"Emma, I really am sorry." His voice became soft in a way she hadn't heard in months. "More sorry than you could know."
Her walls started to crumbling but then an old memory came to the surface.
A hallway. Anxious eyes peering into her. "I'm sorry. I should have listened to you."
Regret. Disappointment. A thousand emotions tumbling through her. "Yeah. I'm sorry, too."
He's always sorry, Emma thought vengefully as something snapped within her.
"Well, you know that's nice. That you're sorry." Emma smiled humorlessly, uncharacteristic black anger surging into her. "And I'm sorry, too." She turned back to her locker and began angrily shifting the books around, the locker shuddering at the completion of her every sentence. "I'm sorry I ever went on a date with you. Or that I kissed you. And got back together with you. I'm sorry I ever met you."
"You're angry..." Sean began but Emma wasn't done yet.
"I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you, you know? That I just had too much for you to deal with. Biological father that is a mental person, a new baby brother, a stepfather with cancer." Emma's voice dipped to a quiet whisper. " I'm so sorry it was easier to just be Emma Nelson, environmental crusader than it was to be Emma Nelson, person."
Behind her Sean's feet shuffled and she heard him breath in deeply, taken aback by Emma's outburst. "Emma..."
Emma reached down and picked up the book at her feet, swinging around and throwing it with force against the parallel lockers. "I'M SORRY!"
Sean jumped back in surprise.
Then Emma´s face broke free of the anger, sinking despair falling across her features as she crumpled to the ground with a defeating shrug. Her knees came up to cradle her head as she sobbed. Somewhere distantly she heard a comforting hushing sound, the voice of someone whispering it was okay. She had forgotten about Sean's presence until she felt cool, soft hands fall on her back and start rubbing small circles.
"Go away," she muttered halfheartedly.
"Not a chance," she heard Sean whisper back as he drew her against him.
Her body was stiff in his arms for a moment before slumping against him tiredly as she began to sob with all the force of months of pent up pain, anger, and helplessness.
"I'm so scared," she said hoarsely as her body shuddered.
"Why?"
"What if he dies? What are we going to do? I just got a family and now it is all falling apart."
Sean rubbed her arm comfortingly, allowing her to pour out her long subdued heartache and fears.
They stayed like that, Emma muttering nearly incoherently and Sean soothing her with light caresses and gentle kisses on the top of the head. While Emma released everything inside of her Sean made sure she had a protective cocoon to do it in.
"So stupid," Emma mumbled as her tears began to subside, rubbing one of her cheeks with the sleeve of her sweater like a grumpy three year old might. "So, so stupid."
Sean reached out and gently wiped the other cheek with his finger. "Not stupid. Human."
"I was so angry when my mom started dating Mr. Simpson. She was mine and I felt like I was losing her. Now, I just don't want to lose him."
One of Sean's hands came up to fall on her cheek gently as Emma's eyes grew wide. The tip of his thumb softly moved over her skin while the rest of his fingers loosely gripped the pieces of blond hair that fell against her cheek. He moved forward, his eyes beginning to close
"Sean," Emma said as her body stiffened. She pulled away, putting space between them. "No."
Sean's eyes snapped open and he pulled backward as if slapped. His hand fell limply away from her cheek and hurt washed over his features.
Emma stood up, her legs still weak and heavy from emotion. She shook her head, looking down at him with distrust. "No. I'm not doing this again."
Sean stood up. "I know I messed up, okay."
"Messed up? Messed up! Gee, you think? What you said to me once is finally starting to sink it. It was always be this way. You screwing up and me being expected to just forgive and forget." Emma wiped her face free of the remaining tears as resolve spread over her features. "No. No."
Sean watched as Emma picked up her book strewn across the way before scrambling to his feet.
"Emma!"
Emma walked back over to him but didn't look at him. Instead she reached down and picked up her backpack that was laying close to Sean's feet. When she straightened back up she shot Sean a black look before turning around and beginning to walk away from him.
Sean ran after her and grabbed her arm lightly but she tugged away and didn't slow down. "Please. Emma!"
Sean struggled to keep up with her, never before realizing how quick and nibble Emma could be when she was fired up. Finally, when they came to the doors leading outside, Emma turned and stared at him for a second.
"Emma, there has to be something I can do. Name something. Let me fix this."
Emma looked at him in confusion. "Something you can do?"
"Yeah. Please. Anything." Sean looked at her with hope.
Emma swung open the door and rays of sunlight spread over her face, making it appear softer than it was at the moment. Emma stared out at the street before turning to look at Sean.
"Anything?"
"Anything."
"Okay. Stay away from me." Emma walked through the door and let it slam shut behind her.
As the sound of the door echoed through the hallway, Sean closed his eyes.
A/N: This is the start of my 'D:TNG" season three rewrite which will start with 'This Charming Man'. I plan on posting a new chapter every weekend following the airing of a new episode. The new chapter should be up by Monday night or Tuesday morning.
Also, I'm looking for a beta reader to help with my Degrassi fan fiction. Let me know if you are interested. But those whose e-mails will look like this: I want 2 B ur beta reeder... need not apply. :)