Title: Unhappily Ever After
Disclaimer: I do not own. I did write. But you don't have to like. ;)
Pairing: Seth/Ryan
Summary: Seth's thoughts during the Season Finale. Angsty.
A/N: Don't know why this jumped into my head today. For you Kashmir –hope you like.
Warning: This isn't really slash – but it is – so if you don't like boy/boy relationships –DO NOT READ. Every other fic on this page is for you – leave us alone.
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Seth knows that the gayest thing anyone could ever do – EVER – was quote a Tom Cruise movie. That is how he knows his days of boobies and birth control are over. Because when Ryan walks out his bedroom door without so much as a goodbye hug, the first thing he thinks is "everything ends badly otherwise it wouldn't end".
He curses himself silently as the door clicks shut. The finality of it is enough to make tears spring unheeded to his eyes. The steadily decreasing sounds of Ryan's footsteps down the hall is enough to break the heart he thought ten months of happiness would have made stronger. As it turns out – he was much better off when the organ remained untouched behind protective walls of isolation. At least when he was Seth Cohen – Social Reject – he didn't quote bad movies.
He was a loser –yes. But he didn't lie to himself. Maybe he denied himself a little, hid behind an obsession for Summer so he wouldn't have to deal with the deeper psychological meaning behind it –but never lied. Here lately he felt like that was all he did. He told himself that he wanted Summer, he needed Anna, and then that he loved Summer. The truth was the only person he wanted/needed/loved was Ryan.
Summer was an infatuation. If he was being completely honest he would admit that he wanted to be Summer. She was popular, in control, loved, cool – everything he was not. Ryan changed all that.
And was it weird that Seth found himself angry that Ryan's leaving wouldn't take it all away?
It seemed unfair that Ryan could swoop in, change everything, and then just leave while all of it remained altered. Seth stared blankly in front of him and irrationally wished that things could just go back to the way they were last May. He felt like he had died in a video game two jumps from the end of a level. His incompetence, the lack of skill that prevented him from keeping Ryan, should send him back to the beginning of the game. He really feels like he could do better the second time around.
Except starting over is the last thing he wants to do. He is tired, too mentally exhausted and emotionally drained to do anything but sit here. There is no sign of Ryan left, no lingering sound. And Seth still has his great life, girlfriend of his dreams bought separately. So why was the only thing he can think of the one thing he doesn't have –never had – will never get? Ryan's never even seen the movie Cocktail and he is gone.
He doesn't want to think about the future, but the present and past are pretty sore subjects as well. So he thinks about Ryan in Chino. Ryan will make babies and work hard for a living and probably start smoking again. He hopes he won't get lung cancer before he turns fifty. Seth will go to college, or back pack through Europe or some other rich kid thing. He will probably be divorced twice before he turns the big 4-0. His sigh is long and dramatic even though no one is there to witness it. He wanted more for the both of them.
He wanted friendship and brotherhood. Deep down he may have longed for more but he'd expected at least that. He would have settled for BFF, Birthdays and Holidays, maybe a shared vacation or two. He could have enjoyed Marissa as a sister-in-law. He would have made Summer happy. But now that even Plan B is dead –he wants no part of any of it.
He blames Marissa for all of this. She should have been a better girlfriend. He blames himself. He'd save some of the blame for Theresa but it seems futile, maybe even unfair. She had him first, and they took him away and what is it they say about turn about? Karma?
So whether Seth likes it or not he is standing firmly in the middle of a square marked one. He feels naked, exposed, vunerable. The only thing Ryan left behind is an empty pool house and a redundant map. What kind of consolation is that? Maybe he should make a t-shirt --- Abandoned by Ryan and all I got was this stupid map.
He could sail to Tahiti –escape it all – leave a note. But all he really wants to do is drive to Chino and kidnap Ryan. Screw the boy's sense of duty, his honor, loyalty. Screw that they are part of the reason he loves him. Seth can't do this without him. He wants to turn on his computer, open up Word and type in Comic Sans 36 Font Bold – Dear Mom and Dad, Hate you. Hate the O.C. Taking Ryan. Love Seth.
But he doesn't. He scribbles something less harsh and more deserved instead. He promises to be back once he figures out how to keep going. He tries to make his handwriting legible as he tells Summer that she is better off without him. She was right the first time.
He picks up his bag and heads for the door, dropping the notes and feels less minty when he doesn't even flinch as his fingers curve around the still warm doorknob. He isn't even tempted to glance at the pool house as he walks down the driveway. A month ago he wouldn't have believed it would end like this. But maybe he should have seen it coming.