Masaya and Ichigo Break Up: A Tutorial
This is a one-shot from my Tokyo Ew Ewniverse, which means that while it can be read on its own, it'll probably make more sense if you've read the other stories (especially, in this case, Llamarama and Rebound). For those of you new to the 'verse, the TEE canon runs like this:
Tokyo Ew Ew
TEE: On the Rebound
TEE: Llamarama
Masaya and Ichigo Break Up
Ichigo's Daughter Saves the World
Also, the canon pairings in the Ewniverse are Ichigo/Masaya, Minto/Zakuro, and Ryou/Keiichiro. Nothing goes further than fluff, but if you can't stomach those pairings, I'm sure you can find other fics with basically the same plot as this one. Of course, they'll mostly be the sort of crud being parodied here, but that's the price you pay for hatin'.
Unlike a normal TEE fic, this one does get serious at the end. Because it IS a tutorial, so there has to be an actual, legit lesson somewhere.
Yeah, and hopefully I'll get around to updating IDSTW eventually, but dang it's giving me trouble. All I wanna do is make obscure jokes about fandoms that have little to no fan crossover with TMM, which is no way to write a humor fic. Remember that, all you would-be humorists.
Disclaimer: If I don't own TMM, where did all those hints of Minto/Zakuro come from?
Ichigo looked up from the computer screen. "Aoyama-chan?" she questioned hesitantly. Masaya poked his head in from the kitchen.
"Ichigo, we're fake-married. You can call me by my first name, you know," he said with a gentle laugh.
"I know, it's just..."
"Just what, honey?" Masaya came bodily into the computer room when he saw that Ichigo's eyes were tearing up. He placed his hand on the mouse over hers and squeezed reassuringly. Several windows offering free screensavers popped up.
She gently removed his hand from the mouse, lest he cause further spammy damage, and leaned back into him. "I've been reading fanfiction again." Immediately, storm clouds flickered across Masaya's face and he had to let go of Ichigo for a moment to push his Deep Blue ears back into his head.
"Oh, Ichigo. Why do you even do that?"
"I get bored."
"C'mon, we saved the whales yesterday! Isn't that exciting enough for you?" Masaya asked enthusiastically.
"Um, I plead the fifth." she shuddered a little bit at the memory--all that cold water and those giant blubbery fish--and Masaya chuckled.
"Okay, fine. Next time you can pick the date. But seriously, why read fanfiction?"
"I dunno. It's nice to know that there's all those people who care about us enough to write badly-plotted derivative drivel, you know?"
"Ichigo-chan, no one likes me that much."
"Lucky you," she replied, wrinkling her nose. "Then I guess you don't have to see all the stupid stuff they come up with to make us break up."
"Let me guess: I'm a rapist who's cheating on you?" She nodded. "Darn. There goes my surprise Halloween costume." He took in the shocked look on her face and then amended hastily, "I'm kidding, Ichigo! Kidding."
It still took the cat-girl a couple minutes to calm down.
"That fic is junk!" Masaya continued passionately once his girlfriend had stopped hyperventilating. "You know that!"
"Yeah, but it's like fishsticks. They're disgusting and nothing like fish should be, but you still end up eating the whole box in one go."
"Actually, I've never eaten a whole box of fishsticks."
"Really?"
"Yep."
"Hunh." Ichigo rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "That was kind of a weird analogy, then, wasn't it?" Masaya laughed again and kissed her on the cheek.
"You know I love your weird analogies. They're like my forty-second favorite thing about you!" Ichigo raised her eyebrows.
"You have a list of things you love about me that goes all the way up to forty-two!? You have way too much time on your hands."
"You read fanfiction."
"Touché."
Masaya grabbed a chair from the kitchen, brought it over to the computer, and plopped down next to Ichigo. "So," he asked her, with a serious face that cracked into a grin as she stuck her tongue out at him, "what're we gonna do about this?" They pondered in silence for a minute, ignoring the flying toaster screensaver that had popped up in the interim. Suddenly, Ichigo's reddish-brown eyes lit up.
"I have an idea."
o()o
"How come you're the only person we know who can work a camcorder?" Ichigo asked skeptically.
Kish turned around from the corner where he was setting up some audio-video equipment and shrugged. "Who knows, Kitten?" Ichigo sighed at the pet name.
"Well, at least you're not trying to get with me any more."
"Psh. Third choice, Kitten," Kish replied, snorting derisively. "I wouldn't even be here if half the idiots who write this crap weren't sullying my good name in the process." He stood up, brushed off his short pants, and was surprised to find himself floating.
But he shook it off. "Okay, all ready on this end. Masaya and Ichigo break up, take one!"
Ichigo walked stiffly in front of the camera and pulled out a cell phone. She dialed a number, looking up straight into the camera every couple seconds. She held the phone to her ear and hummed while it rang, still looking directly into the lens. After a few moments, her face brightened and she said, "Hi!"
"Ichigo!" Masaya hissed audibly from the next room where he was presumably holding his own mobile phone. "Not so happy! We're breaking up! This is a very stressful time for you." Ichigo nodded and her brow furrowed as she concentrated.
"Masaya," she intoned gravely into the phone, superserious as the dialogue in a bad action movie. "We have to break up. I am in love with Ryou." She listened to his reply, which was inaudible to the camera, and then nodded and hung up.
"Cut!" Kish floated over to Ichigo, shaking his head in dismay.
"What? What was wrong?" she inquired.
"Um, maybe you should be a little less serious next time, darling," Masaya interjected gently from the doorway. "This should be sad for you, but you kind of sound like a Bond villian."
"Maybe Bond villains have trouble breaking up with their boyfriends, too!" she shot back. Kish slapped himself in the forehead.
"Sheesh! You're completely missing the point. Your acting is fine for the sort of public service announcement we're doing. It's supposed to look like we just picked you at random off the streets. That's the sort of gritty realism our viewers expect!"
Ichigo furrowed her brow. "Then I don't get it. What's wrong?"
The alien grimaced, showing his incisors, but explained patiently, "Aoyama needs to be on-screen. This doesn't make sense without seeing his reactions."
"I thought you said you'd throw your director's board at me if I came in the room," Masaya pointed out, still standing sensibly in the doorway. Kish's director's board impacted the side of his head. "Ow."
Kish nodded smugly. "Yeah. Exactly. Now that that's out of the way, get your boring little self in here, okay, Milquetoast?" Masaya sidled into the room, rubbing the side of his head and glaring. Kish floated back to his position behind the camera. "Masaya and Ichigo break up, take two!"
A second before the camera flickered on, Masaya dropped into a weak sitting position and jammed the director's board between his arm and body. "Ichigo--" he said haltingly, raising an imploring hand up to her, "Ichigo, Kish stabbed me!" He gestured weakly to the board under his arm. "Please-- I don't have much time--"
"Er, so would this be a bad time to tell you I'm leaving you for Kish?" The cat-girl managed to look worried for a second before bursting out laughing.
"CUT!"
Masaya, who had "died" in the interim, sat up and handed the director's board back to Kish, chuckling. "Why did you even let that one run as long as you did?" he questioned.
"Gritty realism."
"Oh."
"I'm still confused," Ichigo interrupted, still confused. "Is this a 'wrong way to do it' or what?" Kish smacked his forehead again.
"It wasn't supposed to be," he growled and threw the director's board. This time, Masaya caught it adroitly in his armpit and fell over dead again. Kish's scowl cracked a little around the edges, and he chuckled. "Okay, so it was still better than most fanfiction. But I thought you said you really wanted to do this?"
Ichigo nodded, her brows still knotted in concentration. "I'll be right back. You guys start without me. I wanna make an entrance this time."
Kish rolled his eyes, but responded with "Fine." Ichigo scurried out of the room. "Masaya and Ichigo break up, take three!"
Masaya stood in front of the camera.
"Um, what am I supposed to do until she gets back?"
Kish shrugged, clearly not even slightly interested. "I don't care." Masaya nodded and thought for a moment. Then, he took a deep breath and looked straight into the lens.
"Okay, everybody, we really need to start taking better care of the environment. If everyone just--" Thankfully, the world was saved from the rest of that speech because at that moment, Ichigo burst into the room.
Dressed in a gorilla suit.
"Masaya," she grunted, pitching her voice as low as it would go. "Ryou accidentally turned me into a gorilla. Do you still love me?"
"Well," Masaya began seriously, "gorillas are actually leave almost no ecolo--"
"Aaand, cut!" Kish flicked off the camera, clearly trying not to laugh. "Aoyama. Kitten's just been turned into a gorilla, and that's the first thing you think of?"
Masaya glared at the alien. "Ichigo comes in here dressed up like a gorilla, and you chew me out?"
"She's a very convincing gorilla."
Ichigo's eyes widened behind her mask and hastily shucked off the gorilla suit. "I do not!" she exclaimed. "Jerk."
"Really?" Kish smirked. "Would you like a banana, then?"
"Yes! But that's not the point!"
"Oh, Ichigo." Masaya shook his head, chuckling lightly. "Have I ever mentioned how much I love you?"
The loud, theatrical retching noises Kish was making drowned out any sort of reply. "Ugh. Stop that. Unless you want to get all mushy with me, Kitten..." Ichigo wrinkled her nose, which sort of made her look like a gorilla. Kish sighed. "Yeah, well, it was worth a shot. Can we just get this thing done?"
o--o
"What's-your-name!" Ichigo called happily as she walked through a wall that separated her reality from the Video Dimension. A pudgy, brown haired girl stumbled out from behind one of the infinite shelves of videos.
"Um, I'm Llama. Don't you remember? You were here, um, last story? I was a potato?" Ichigo nodded with the glassy-eyed false remembrance of someone who doesn't particularly want an explanation of what they'd just heard.
"Oh. Right. Llama. Of course." the pink-haired girl smiled awkwardly and proffered a VHS tape. "I know these usually come down by magic or satanic rituals or whatever, but this one's important. D'you have a VCR?"
"I, um, I think so," Llama replied. She squeezed her eyes shut and concentrated, but no VCR appeared. She was just turning apologetically back to Ichigo when a TV wheeled out from behind one of the shelves, exactly as if it had been kicked.
There was a muffled curse from whoever had kicked it.
Llama ignored her boss's very creative vocabulary and went to retrieve the TV, which was slowly rolling away. Once she had corralled it, she wheeled it back over to where Ichigo sat. The potato-girl concentrated again and this time a tall barstool appeared, smelling faintly of blueberries.
Ichigo hopped up on it before the other girl had a chance, but Llama, used to such things, just shrugged and waved a hand vaguely. For a second, everything looked as thought it had been splattered with pink paint. Then the lights dimmed and the video started to play.
"Masaya?" Ichigo hurried over to him through potted trees that were supposed to look like the park but really just made it look like a small forest had taken up residence in her computer room.
Masaya turned at the greeting, smiling, but his grin faltered as he took in the worried look on the catgirl's face.
"What's wrong, Ichigo?" he asked gently.
"Masaya..." Ichigo started, softly. "I... I think I'm in love with someone else." Masaya just stood there for a moment, shocked.
"What? Who?"
"Um, Ryou." He just looked at her, naked hurt on his face. Tears sparkled in a corner of her eyes as she sighed. "It's just... with the Mew project and everything, we've gotten so close! I don't... This doesn't mean I hate you or anything."
"Oh, Ichigo," Masaya replied, "I know. And I just want you to be happy."
"Really?" Her eyes brightened with hope.
"Really. Still friends?" For her answer, Ichigo squealed and pulled him into a hug. He squeezed back, closed his eyes and said, "If you ever need anything, I'm here for you, Ichigo."
There were a few seconds of swellingly brave music, which cut out abruptly, followed by a muffled curse from off-camera. The scene dissolved into static, but as Llama reached over to shut it off, the picture became clear again.
Kish repositioned the camera slightly and then sat down in midair before it, still surrounded by little trees.
"Hey," he said, "if you're watching this, do what they did, except pair Ichigo with ME." He grinned deviantly into the camera.
A director's board flew up and hit him in the back of the head.