I walked along the glowing moor. I've never appreciated the ocean's breeze. Honest...I've never appreciated anything in life. I suppose I should tell my full throttle summer to you. So I will. Brace yourself...its not pretty. I've spent practically all of my summer nights wondering if it'd be okay if I just left today. Maybe what I said was wrong...I think about it a lot.

But with your life planned, that's a given to occur, right?

I don't fancy diaries or journals, I never have. In fact...the only reason I'm writing this in the dead of night with my feet in the cold sand it because...Well...I guess I'm trying to learn who I am. I don' t mean who I am at school...who I am to Father- Potter - Fudge -Voldemort...anyone. This is my life. And this is me, Draco Malfoy, as real as I have learned to be.

I don't know if my summer was meant to turn out this way. I mean...it started out cursed. No other word can fit there. I felt like bloody hell for a good month, granted. I don't know why either. I thought about how I'd tried to beat up Potter. How he got Father in jail, and if that was good or bad. I'm dead if anyone reads this, but who gives a fuck? I'll end up dead either way. I

really do wish I could say that I'm alright with that fact...but in all honesty, I despise my father for thinking I'll accept it and for playing me along like that when I was a boy.

I don't and wouldn't dream of expecting you to understand what it was like for me growing up.

Perhaps that's why my characteristics include cold and ruthless? Yes. Well, I'm working on that right now. You know, my father raised me not to love anything. He succeeded. Which, the only thing I can think of that being a good thing: 1) I won't fall for that horrid cow Pansy and 2) I won't lose someone I love like Potter and the others...But then again, I'm missing out. All the experiences everyone are going through day and night are passing me by and nobody knows. Nobody is coming back to save me.

Mother tries and tried to postpone my becoming. She knows that by next summer I'm a gonner. I cannot be sheltered and hidden forever. Its not a comforting thought I must say. I'm deprived of any feeling of security. I've given this much thought. I hate with a passion, the ideal

of becoming my father's shadow. Given, it wasn't as if I've ever had a choice. I was born and raised to be as cold and bitter as they come. Come to think of it that sounds exactly like a description of my pathetic characteristics. Which my mother above all has noticed.

Which is why, I say, she's trying to save me in the only way possible. She must think me scared of the unknown...That or she's just hanging on to me. Her lonely, cold, sheltered but harshly real baby boy.

I remember...like a month after I'd learned about Harry Potter's story. (I was what? six? four?) I asked my mother if she'd die for me, had Voldemort come after us. She smiled lightly and patted my head. "My son, that is the great part of what we do! Lord Voldemort protects us!

He is-" "Narcissa." My father had said firm and angry. She looked down and turned crimson. He looked at me with those same dull gray eyes that I inherited and smiled bitterly.

"Don't ask such questions, Draco," he'd said. He bowed slightly and left.

I remember that memory like I remember my name. Speaking of names...the name Malfoy. I know I'm associated with being rich (greatly thanks to my father) and that comes with power or whatever. I say it comes with boundaries of persuasion. I once told that to father who actually laughed and said I was theoretical. I told my Mum that later on that same day...she started crying and told me to go to my room.

I don't think I'll ever recover from the live I've never gotton to live. I feel like I've got an invisible wall...like. If anyone approaches me, they're in line for doom. I wish I could gear my behavior at home and school to be more...I don't know what to say...more, real, lively... to be one of the living. I'm tired of thinking this can't be happening. I must be somewhere in between...is this real or just a dream? I don't approve or take pride in the way I act at school. I know you're thinking "Change!" but its not that simple. Its not possible to change the way you've been for six years just because you finally realized you were living a lie. I feel like I've been pretending.

I'm going to focus all my mentality and energy on who I really want to be and who my father perceives me as....I've got to. This is my final chance. I can't be anything I want to. I can't lose sleep over this anymore. My cold bitter heart is reaching its end. Its begun to race and I can no longer sit still. This is over my head but underneath my feet and it is forever beating in my heart. You know I wish it was that easy...Money can't spare me or hide me...since when has money been able to cure a black heart?

I'd write more but the sun is vastly arising over the ocean blue...it reminds me hopelessly of my own uprising...and how someday...I hope it won't be so surprising.

// I really hoped you all liked it because I thought about it for a long time. Please review. I'll update prolly either way...//