A/N: This is my first Beckdam/Degrassi related story, so if the characters seem ooc to you, I apologize.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Degrassi, nor am I affiliated with Epitome. If I did/was, Adam would still be alive.

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More Than You Know Part 1

Adam was bored. Staying home and missing school was never fun if it involved a fever. He tried doing things around the house, but being sick didn't allow him to do much. He ruled out playing video games in the basement, when his leaking nose prevented him from using both of his hands to grip the controller properly. Practicing Whisper Hug songs was impossible, seeing as his weakened state barely allowed him to lift his bass guitar. He had even contemplated getting Drew to come over and keep him company, only to remember that his brother had finally come to his senses and would be back at school with everybody else.

Without much else left to do, Adam rolled around on his bed to reach for his cell phone hanging on the edge of his nightstand. His face fell upon noticing the lack of new text messages. He tried hard not to be too upset, but Becky did promise to send him messages throughout the day, to keep him in the loop of any Degrassi related things he would be missing. To be honest, he didn't care much about the school, all he wanted was to be able to talk to her somehow.

He quickly sent another message to Becky before carefully setting his phone back down, and lay on his bed more comfortably. Since there wasn't anything he could do, he closed his eyes in an attempt to force sleep, wishing that by the time he woke up the sickness would have magically disappeared.

Right as he was finally reaching a sense of deep slumber, Adam's eyes jolted open at the sound of the doorbell ringing repeatedly. Knowing that he was home alone, he forced himself out of bed and slowly made his way down the stairs to the front door. He groaned in pain when he tripped in the foyer only then realizing that he reflexively dragged the duvet along with him to keep the himself warm.

Not even caring to check the peephole, Adam flung the door open, giving the person behind it a confused look.

"Becky? What are you… you're not in school?" He quickly checked the time on the clock by the door, "Are my eyes deceiving me? My goody-goody girlfriend, Becky Baker, actually skipping school?" He said, sending a grin toward her.

Becky gently shook her head, quietly dismissing Adam's innocent quip. Adam, on the other hand, noticed the lack of smiles coming from his girlfriend, and immediately knew that something was off. Becky was slouched, her hands were fidgeting around the ends of her sleeves, and her face held an unclear mix of emotions. He rid himself of the duvet by letting it drop on the floor and quickly made his way to his girlfriend, who remained unmoving on her spot on the porch.

Even though the brisk February wind sent chills down his sickly body, he let her head drop to the crook of his neck, tenderly stroked her hair while his other hand held hers. "Shh… whatever it is, it's going to be okay," he softly whispered in her ear. He wondered what happened to make his usually cheery girlfriend to be so glum.

She let go of his hand to wrap her arms around his body and said, "Of all the days you get sick, you had to choose this one."

Adam chuckled through his clattering teeth, "Well, I didn't exactly reserve a specific date to get sick." He tried to keep the mood light, but was concerned for her unusual behavior. So he moved his hand to her chin and lifted her head so she could face him, "So, wanna tell me what happened to my beautiful smiling girl?"

"I just… I really wish you were at school today, that's all."

"Why? Did something happen?" He watched as Becky took a deep breath before answering his question.

"Um… One of the Ice Hounds, Campbell Saunders, he, uh…" She closed her eyes, and gripped Adam's hand tighter, "His body was found in the green house this morning… He— Adam, he committed suicide."

Adam slowly let go of Becky as his body steered itself back into the house. For the first time that day, his head spun for reasons that did not have anything to do with his fever. His body continued to navigate itself, and before he knew it he was sitting on the stairs. Through his trance, he briefly saw Becky follow him into the house, grabbed the duvet and wrapped it around his body before sitting next to him.

He didn't know what to do or say. He thought that feeling sad for the hockey player would be too much, since he didn't exactly know the kid. Feeling pity would be horrible, he didn't want to pity Campbell Saunders. Adam thought of the times he thought of ending his own life, prior to moving and getting a new start at Degrassi, and pity was definitely not one of the things he wanted people to feel about him. He didn't know what to feel about the situation at all.

Sure, he hadn't known Campbell Saunders personally, but he knew of a couple people who did. He thought of how Dallas must be feeling. He knew the two were fairly close, what with Dallas being the captain of the hockey team, and Adam knew he tried to keep a regular rapport with every single member of the team. Since Campbell was the youngest on the team, Adam knew that Dallas had taken the younger player under his wing. This must be traumatic news for him to take.

Adam also thought of his Whisper Hug band member, Maya Matlin. From what he knew, she was dating the hockey player. He didn't know much of the niner's relationship with Saunders, but it must have been meaningful enough for Maya to subtly dedicate the Whisper Hug performance at Battle of the Bands to her "boyfriend". Adam couldn't imagine what she could possibly be going through at the moment. He didn't even want to think of how he'd feel if he lost Becky that way.

He looked towards Becky, who had now stayed silent during his moment of daze, patiently waiting for him to react or say something. He couldn't quite read the expression on her face.

"Adam? Are you okay?"

"I, yeah…" He saw Becky looking at him with concern. It's just…Wow, yeah. It's all so surprising." What was he supposed to say at a time like this? "Are you okay? You seemed really upset when you got here."

"I guess I'm alright now. I was shocked when Principal Simpson made the announcement, but I've had time to let the news sink in." Becky played with the buttons on her cardigan, trying to find a way to tell Adam the real reason behind her unexpected visit.

"Geez. I can't imagine how it must have been at school today. And to think I was actually missing it."

"It wasn't fun to be at school today. Spirit Week has been cancelled, tenners crying in the hallways. The Ice Hounds weren't their usual selves, and Mike Dallas…" She paused remembering the moment that happened before Dallas had a breakdown and broke the trophy case in the hallway. She decided to let the thought pass instead of talking about it "I don't think you would have liked it, Adam."

Adam shook himself of the shock and finally took a better look at his girlfriend. Despite the fact that she wasn't as bubbly as her normal self he still found her breathtakingly beautiful. She wore an all-orange outfit, which he assumed had something to do with her Spirit Week team color. Adam thought about telling her how stunning she looked but her constant fidgeting and her clear avoidance of eye contact reminded him that it wasn't the right moment to do so. He had a feeling that something else other than Saunders' suicide was disturbing her.

"Something's bothering you." He blurted out. When Becky didn't respond and seemed to be more interested with her sleeves, he took hold of her hands and intertwined their fingers. It must have been really important if she had a hard time opening up to him. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

Becky sighed and shook her head. She didn't know how to bring up her thoughts about Campbell Saunders to Adam, considering how her classmates reacted earlier on. "Well… I had a bit of a disagreement with some people today."

Adam didn't say anything and simply nodded, encouraging her to continue.

"I may have said something today that did not sit well with others." She knew she was skirting around the topic, but she feared Adam's judgment. She was used to having Degrassi students glare at her for being "Ms. Bible Thumper". Though she stood by her position regarding suicide, she couldn't bear the thought of disappointing Adam. It made her feel nauseous.

Before carrying on, she took a moment to search his eyes for reassurance. She looked deep into them for any sign that might soothe her worries. Instead she was greeted with what appeared to be concern etched on the lines forming around his eyes.

"Becks, just tell me what it is. You're starting to worry me."

Forgetting about her worries, Becky decided to let the words out. "People at school are avoiding me because I said suicide is selfish." It was only Adam, after all, he understood her better than anybody at school—no he understand her better than anybody in the world. "I just really don't understand why Campbell Saunders didn't ask for help." Adam wouldn't be disappointed in me, she thought, what if he even agrees with me on this? "He didn't even think of how his family might feel; what about his friends? Why didn't he talk to Ms. Sauvé?" She stood up from her perch on the stairs and started pacing in front of her boyfriend, fired up from her speech. "It was selfish, Adam. He could have easily gotten help, either from teachers, or his family, the hockey team. Instead he takes his life. AT school of all places."

Adam was witnessing a side of Becky he though he wouldn't see again, at least not for a while. The last time he had seen her this headstrong about an issue was when she was planning on picketing the Romeo and Jules play for having gay lovers as the principal characters. It honestly worried him. No, it scared him. Not because Becky's old self was resurging, she had her beliefs and he respected that just as much as she respected and accepted his gender. He knew what came with being in a relationship with an extremely religious girl. He knew what he had signed up for, so it wasn't all that surprising to see it coming back.

Adam was scared because he empathized with Campbell Saunders. Having been a person who once contemplated suicide as well, he wasn't sure how to manage Becky's stance on the situation. He was scared because his girlfriend unintentionally berated something he had personally experienced. He was scared of what Becky might think of him if he ever told her the truth behind his affection for long-sleeved shirts. If he told her the truth about himself, would it be even more of a valid reason to dump him? Adam shook himself and thought, if she didn't dump me knowing that I'm trans, why would she dump me for once having suicidal thoughts.

"You know," He shifted out of the duvet, suddenly feeling hot and uncomfortable. "He must have been really sick to do what he did." Adam decided to settle on making Becky vaguely understand the notions behind suicide without having to confess his history.

"That's what everyone keeps on saying, but if he was so sick then how come he didn't get himself help? When someone gets a cold, they go to the doctor's, don't they?" Becky said, disappointed that she and Adam did not see eye to eye.

"It's not the same thing." Becky eyed him curiously, Adam ignored her look and said, "Uh… I researched it once," He knew he should have to lie about this but he felt he had to, "Apparently when people feel depressed, they um… don't realize they're depressed. That's why sometimes, or even most times, they need someone else's help to get through their troubles." Adam hoped that he was being vague enough without being too personal. The topic itself already hit close to home, so having to talk about it as if it had no effect on him was hard. Either way, he preferred having a hard time explaining it to Becky than explaining his own story. "When someone has a cold, they get obvious symptoms, so they see a doctor. When someone is depressed, they don't always know that they are."

"I don't know, he must have known somehow that he wasn't happy." Becky urged. "How else would others notice his sadness if he didn't know it too? This all doesn't make sense."

"It's a very complicated situation. You never really know what the person is going through unless they open up to someone."

"Campbell had friends, he had so many people he could have talked to."

"But that's the thing, he probably felt like no one would listen. Or maybe he thought no one would understand him enough to help him. Maybe he felt alone." Adam was exasperated. At this point his feelings were getting so personal that he couldn't tell whether Becky was purposely being stubborn, or if she really couldn't understand the basics of depression.

"Why does it sound like you're defending his actions? He still took his own life without any consideration of how others might be affected by it." Becky looked at him through narrow eyes. She defensively crossed her arms around her chest as the tension grew between them.

"I'm not trying to justify his actions," He sighed, "And I sure as hell am not saying it was the right thing to do either. I'm just saying that when things like that happen, there's usually more to it than what you think you know."

Becky silently took in Adam's words. A few minutes passed before she let her shoulders sag and ran a hand through her hair. She was tired of arguing with people about this, everyone clearly had different views on reality. More than that, she really disliked having a disagreement with Adam. The reason behind her visit was so Adam could comfort her about the clash she had with their classmates'. Although Adam took a gentler method and was more understanding of her beliefs, she did not expect to receive the same response from her boyfriend.

As she let their conversation replay in her mind, something sparked in her. Becky only then noticed how uncomfortable Adam seemed to be when he tried explaining depression to her. She initially thought that it might have been the coldness of the stairs, or his fever getting worse. But it was the way that he pulled on the sleeves of his sweater to cover his whole arm. There was something about the way he spoke in reference to Campbell Saunders' loneliness that sounded like someone speaking from personal experience. She let a brief suspicion cross her mind, but shrugged it off thinking that Adam wouldn't keep such a secret from her.

"How come you know so much about this?" She innocently asked, sitting back down next to him.

"I…" Adam didn't know what to say. His eyes momentarily shifted to his arms pondering the idea of revealing one of the most private parts of himself. Telling someone he was trans was one thing, but disclosing his past with self-harm was embarrassing. It was one of those things he wasn't proud of doing, but he couldn't always evade the reality of having done it in the first place.

He was afraid that Becky might push him to tell her, but instead she stood up, without letting go of his hand, and led them upstairs and into his room. Becky noticed how distressed Adam had become upon asking him the question and thought it must have been due to his fever. News of Campbell Saunders's death was taking a bigger toll on her boyfriend than she expected.

"Adam, you look really pale. When was the last time you took your medicine?" She placed a hand on his forehead and winced at the heat emanating from his body. Becky gently ordered Adam to go to bed, and wrapped him up in his duvet. When Adam ignored her question, she took it upon herself to make her way to the Torres kitchen to get Adam his medication along with a glass of water.

With all the talking they had done, Adam completely forgot he even had a fever. In all honesty, the fever was now lodged in the back of his mind. All he wanted to at that moment was to tell Becky the truth.

Adam took this short moment apart to decide whether he should inform Becky of his past. She knew of the bullying he had to go through involving Fitz and Owen, and being forced to use the special washrooms. She also knew that his own grandmother had never met him as Adam, and how his birthday cards still addressed him as Gracie. Becky knew of the situation with his father, and how he stopped sending letters because "his little girl was no longer existed". Becky knew about much of the hardships he had to endure with being an FtM, but he never really completely told her of the severity of his struggles.

He wanted Becky to know every inch of his being, but that would never happen if he didn't open up to her. It was decided. He would tell Becky the truth.

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A/N: SOOO This story is getting longer than I wanted it to be, so I'm dividing it into two parts. Just to clarify some things, I am new to the whole Degrassi thing (I only started watching in the summer when a friend of mine got a role on the show and I was curious about his new ventures). I've caught up with all the episodes, and honestly s13 is the worst of them all. Beckdam fascinated me, and I was sad that Adam was killed off. But probably not as sad as most of you in the fandom, since I'm still a noob, and don't consider myself a Degrassian (not even a little bit). I initially considered to get die-hard Beckdam fans from tumblr to beta this story, but I decided against it and just settled with this. So I hope I portrayed the characters well enough to write this story, and that you don't bite my head off if I didn't do them justice.

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