A/N: Hi... yup, this is random and insane and wild and... uhh... interesting? But whatever, I got bored. And you guys know weird things happen when I get bored! ;P
Background- The TF141 is at the Ghosts' Base, hanging out. Roach is super hungry for some reason and is eating everything. Archer is high on pain meds because he has a long row of stitches up his side and several broken ribs. Toad is trying to keep him out of trouble. Captain Price and MacTavish are grumpy. Ghost is really tired and the Ghosts are laughing hysterically at all of them... except for Archer. They're really concerned for him.
"TOOOOOOAD! Toad! Toad! Toad! Toa-" Archer yelled, until the person he was yelling for covered his mouth.
He had no idea why Archer was yelling at him when he was literally laying in his lap. The meds he had been given really messed him up...
"Shhhh, baby, what is it?" He asked, quickly pulling his hand away when the younger man started nibbling on it.
"...Why is the sky bluuuue?"
"Uhh... I'm not sure..."
He paused, then looked up at him and asked, "Are hotdogs made of real puppies?"
"No, of course not, sweetie."
"Why is it that women have boobs and men don't?"
He had to double check to make sure he had heard him right.
"Okaaay, I have a great idea! Why don't you take a nap?"
He rapidly shook his head.
"NOOO! 'M not tired!"
"Yeah, Toad! Don't you know he's not tired?" Kick laughed.
"Has anyone seen Roach? He's been gone for like 10 minutes now..." Hesh said, glancing at the door.
"Maybe he's taking a shit... or dying. Or maybe he fell in the toilet!" Logan suggested, with more enthusiasm than he probably should have.
Merrick raised an eyebrow.
"I can see the sense in the first two, but falling into the toilet? You have some serious problems, Logan."
"But- but he's super clumsy! It could happen!"
"What could happen?" Roach asked as he walked in.
He was eating a Big Mac from MacDonald's, which wasn't that odd. What was odd was that before the Big Mac, he had eaten 3 pieces of pizza, 5 breadsticks, 2 brownies, a bunch of orange chicken, and some chow mien.
And it was only noon.
"Who are you and what have you done with Gary?!" Kick asked dramatically, pointing at him.
He swallowed his food and asked, "What do you mean? I'm just... me."
He shrugged.
"You've been eating food all day. Usually Ghost has to argue with you for at least five minutes before he can get you to nibble on something, and with others it's longer." Keegan pointed out.
Logan gasped.
"ARE YOU PREGNANT?!" He shrieked.
Ghost, who was asleep on the couch, almost jumped out of his skin. He sat up and glanced around the room, his hand on his combat knife, but after a moment he seemed to decide that everything was okay and he laid back down.
Roach stared at him for a minute, then shrugged and sat down on the couch beside his boyfriend, pulling his upper half into his lap. Ghost seemed to know it was him and snuggled against his thighs.
"I don't know... Anyone wanna check?"
Keegan snorted and said, "Honey, I hate to break it to you, but dudes don't get pregnant."
"Why not?"
"Because they... don't."
"But whyyy?"
"They can't, you dumbass! It's impossible!" Price barked.
Ghost jumped, but Roach shushed him and ran a hand through his hair and he went back to sleep. Roach glared at Price and the older man flipped him off. God, he's in a mood today...
"I WANNA PUR'LE DIN'SAUR!" Archer screeched, making everyone jump.
"SHHH! Archer! Be quiet!" Soap complained.
"... Are you talking about Barney the talking dinosaur?" Kick asked, turning his head to the side.
Archer gasped and his eyes lit up like a little kid who was just offered ice cream.
"YES! YES! YES! YESSSSSSSSSS!"
Ghost had given up on sleeping at this point.
"What do you mean 'yes'? I swear, one day I'll prove that thing's a serial killer..." Roach grumbled.
Archer glared at him with such anger that he leaned away from him a bit even though he was all the way across the room.
"HE IS NOTTTT A SERIAL KILLER, YOU LIIIIIAR! HE'S JUST A NICE DINOSAUR THAT WANTS SOME FUCKING FRIENDS!" He bellowed, struggling against Toad to sit up.
It really wasn't a good idea though... not with his five broken ribs and 41 stitches... Toad tried to calm him down, but he guessed insulting Barney the purple dinosaur really pissed him off.
He fought with him for a few minutes, but it seemed that he wasn't going to chill out. If he didn't quit it, he'd tear his stitches or hurt himself, and Toad couldn't hold him for much longer. Not alone, anyways. Archer may have been injured and smaller than him, but he was strong.
The Ghosts weren't sure what to do and the two Captains didn't really care, but Roach was laughing hysterically. He was laughing so hard he started crying.
"DAMN IT, ROACH! IT'S NOT FUNNY! COULD I GET SOME HELP OVER HERE?!" Toad demanded.
Keegan sighed and walked over to the struggling couple, pulling a syringe from his back pocket as he went. When he had patients, he always kept a couple sedatives in his pocket so he wouldn't have too much trouble if they got out of hand.
"I'LL KILL YOU FOR INSULTING MY FRIEND!" Archer shouted, "DON'T FUCK WITH MY PURPLE DINOSAUR! I'LL TELL HIM TO EAT YOU, YOU PEASANT!"
That only made Roach laugh harder. In fact, now he was laughing so hard that it sounded less like laughing and more like he was having an asthma attack. Ghost tried to get him to stop before he hurt himself, but when he stubbornly continued giggling, he gave up.
Archer was screaming so many obscenities that they all sort of blended together into one huge, furious blob. It was difficult for them to keep him still because he was thrashing so wildly.
Luckily, after a few moments and several failed attempts, Keegan managed to get a good grip on the sniper and inject the sedative into his arm. He and Toad held him down until he was completely under, at which point he relaxed and went quiet.
Even after he was out, they both stayed put to make sure he was really down. After about a minute, Toad sighed in relief and wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.
"Thanks..."
"No problem... You should probably put dinosaur boy to bed." Keegan chuckled.
He nodded and carefully picked him up, carrying him from the room. Meanwhile, Roach was still on the floor, laughing his ass off. It was difficult to determine whether or not he could breathe... Seriously, most of them couldn't tell.
Keegan crossed his arms and stood above him like a huge, intimidating skyscraper.
"Roach," he said calmly, "If you don't stop laughing, I'm gonna sedate you too. Then I'll put you in the tiny hall closet, so you can wake up there a few hours later. Because I know you just love tiny closets, don't you?"
He froze. Then, after a moment, he seemed to gather himself and he stood up with a blank expression.
He put a hand on Keegan's shoulder and said, "Oh, but doctor! Don't you know that wouldn't be good for the baby?!"