Fandom: Tactics
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the tea-bowel and perfume...and cow suit.
Title: Haruka and the mysterious tea-bowel…
Characters: Haruka, Kantarou
Pairings: Kind of Haruka/Kantarou (Harukan) but not really.
Summary: Haruka knew Kantarou would do anything to get out of writing his manuscript, but he certainly wasn't expecting this
Warnings: Manipulative!Kantarou, Lusting!Haruka,

Haruka's elegant eyebrow (and boy was it an elegant eyebrow, every strand of hair that made up this elegant eyebrow was elegant, every cell was elegant, in fact they were so elegant that Haruka was too elegant for his own good) raised a good five inches despite how impossible such an action was. He had good reason though, so this impossible feat was indeed achieved and the story continues.

So, Haruka raised his elegant eyebrow and Kantarou continued smiling with all those glittery sparkles that surrounded him.

"…Do I want to know?" asked the extremely weirded out tengu (or goblin, whatever floats your boat). The man opposite him just continued to smile and responded with a gleeful,

"Of course you do!"

So, the man went on to explain why he was wearing something that vaguely resembled the body of a cow and had an extremely familiar tea-bowl on his head,

"You see, I was diligently writing my manuscript-" Haruka scoffed in disbelief, "when I spared a glance out of the window and imagine my surprise when I saw a little youkai wearing a tea-bowl on his head and a cow-suit. Then the youkai told me that it was his birthday and that I was invited to the party but in order to come I had to wear a tea-bowl on my head and a cow-suit. Of course, I was desperate to go (I simply could not offend the youkai) so I went out and bought a cow-suit (which, by the way, means you'll have to starve for about a week) and came back, put the suit on and placed your tea-bowl on my head. Then you came in and raised your eyebrow a good five inches (which is impossible but you did it regardless) and asked if you wanted to know so I started explaining and…"

Haruka had stopped listening when he heard the words 'placed your tea-bowl on my head'. He was fuming inside and eventually decided that he didn't like Kantarou enough to let him get away with wearing his precious tea-bowl on his head. The tengu proceeded to kick the man in the stomach – or he tried to, at least.

Using all his skill and grace (which to be honest, wasn't all that much), Kantarou dodged the foot. Haruka growled and pounced at the man but this only resulted in a broken window – that tengu really needs to work on his aim. Kantarou had not had to dodge; no, Haruka had been off by at least a metre. It just goes to show that having a very dashing body and elegant eyebrows does not mean you have great co-ordination skills. It's a wonder how the tengu became so feared; maybe he had worn a drag or something….

Kantarou took a moment to laugh heartily at Haruka; no…it was more than a hearty laugh…it was a tremendous guffaw. So, as Kantarou tremendously guffawed, Haruka pounced back through the window and landed on the other man.

Haruka was straddling Kantarou and as he looked into those deep, ruby eyes that shined at him, the tengu felt his body trembling with desire. How had he not noticed that snowy white hair that looked so soft to touch? How had he not noticed just how alluring his master was? Hmmm, he mused, master…that sounded kinky….

Haruka suddenly snapped out of his boy-love daze and scrambled onto his feet. Kantarou was grinning smugly. Too smugly to be good…

"Ahahaha, I see the perfume that came with the cow-suit worked."

Haruka was confused; perfume? What perfume?

As if reading his mind, Kantarou fished a glass bottle out of the udder in the suit. Haruka was slightly disgusted by this and was reluctant to take the offered bottle. In the end he gave in and read the label on the container:

Mrs Moo-Moo's Love-Love Perfume

Do you have love problems? Are you too ugly to get even a demon to go out with you?

Yes?

Then you've picked up the right product!

Mrs Moo-Moo's Love-Love Perfume is guaranteed to make even the most stubborn tengu, youkai or human desire you.

WARNING: Side-effects include:

Rape, molesting, oogleh people lusting after you, balding, stalking, loss of limbs and other health problems

This product is immune to suing. Refunds not available.

Haruka decided he was officially freaked out but was slightly relieved to know that he hadn't really fallen for his master. Although, the master-slave thing did sound kinky…

BAD TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

Haruka shook his head wildly and threw the perfume bottle out the window. He thought he heard a scream but that didn't matter.

Kantarou look slightly put out at his lost perfume but quickly perked up. He grabbed the tea-bowl on his head and threw it out the window (the same window Haruka had broken and then thrown his precious perfume out of). Haruka stared at him. Kantarou stared back, smugly. Haruka tensed. Kantarou opened his mouth to speak…

"Haruka…" he began in a sultry voice, "Fetch."

And Haruka, under the influence of the bond created by his naming, pounced through the window once more and played fetch. To be honest, he probably would have done so anyway – that was his tea-bowl - but he'd never admit that. He still had his dignity.

Well…he did until he went to fetch his tea-bowl. Which, coincidentally, is only one letter away from 'tea-bowel'. Now, no one's quite sure what a 'tea-bowel' is but scientists think it may be some sort of organ in the human body that produces tea. Personally, Haruka thinks it's a place to store his tea-bowl but it doesn't seem like anyone will know anytime soon.

So, Haruka went to fetch his tea-bowl while Kantarou started to snooze happily on desk.

Unbeknownst to both of them, Sugino had, once again, been abandoned by his wife – Muu-chan. He was so sure that his beloved had rushed over to thatfiend's house and consequently rushed over to that fiend's house himself. One could only imagine how disappointed he was when all he found was some mentally-retarded idiot in a cow suit sleeping on the fiend's desk. Feeling some form of sympathy for the creature, the white-tengu grabbed a fistful of the suit and proceeded to fly off, cow-retard in hand.

Haruka crashed through another window this time. That was going to be expensive. Shoot. Anywho, Haruka broke another window and was only slightly surprised to find that his master was gone; in his place was a single sheet of purple paper. His first instinct was to scratch his back but curiosity overcame him so he picked up the document and read the message on it.

HARUKA.

IT IS I, YOUKO.

HAH. I bet you weren't expecting THAT.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering what the heck this purple paper is doing on Kan-chan's desk.

Well, you know what? I KIDNAPPED HIM.

Yes, I stole our master and am now holding him for ransom; if you want him back, bring 50 boxes of Pizza to the warehouse opposite our home.

You have until midnight tonight to decide.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Youko xoxoxox

The tengu stared blankly at the message before a grin began to crawl onto his face. HIS MASTER WAS GONE. It was like he'd died and gone to heaven! This was his lucky day! And a lucky day called for DONUTS.

What Haruka didn't know, of course, was that Youko had not in fact, kidnappedKantarou (Sugino had – unknowingly). The truth was that Youko had kidnapped the pencil holder their master kept on his desk and had, rather narcissistically, named after himself. Youko had very strange ideas sometimes.

Back with Sugino, Kantarou was only just coming back into the land of the conscious. The folklorist groaned and rubbed his eyes clear of any blurriness left from his time asleep. It was then that he suddenly noticed that he was not in his room. In fact, he wasn't even on the ground; it seemed that he was flying. Maybe he was still dreaming…?

"Oh, so you're awake?"

The familiar voice broke Kantarou out of his stupor.

"SUGINO?"

Sugino spluttered.

"FIEND?"

Kantarou blinked. Fiend…?

Now that Sugino knew who the cow-retard was, he decided that he didn't particularly want to hold onto the man. So, in a moment of genius, the white-tengu let go of him.

Kantarou would have screamed as he fell through the air, but he was too busy pondering his new name. Fiend, he repeated, I think…I think I like the sound of that…As a result, anyone passing under them would have heard lots of chortling from an unknown source and then probably have rushed themselves off to a mental hospital.

Haruka had been gleefully strolling along a footpath with the intent of buying donuts from his good friend, The Muffin Man. Yes, he was on his way to Drury Lane. The tengu was contently humming the tune of the 'Muffin Man' rhyme when he suddenly found himself biting the dust. And that was meant literally because Haruka's face and been slammed into the ground just as be was miming biting into a donut so he inadvertently ended up biting the dust. The tengu pushed his body into a kneeling position and immediately began spitting out dirt and whatever else may have been rotting in that footpath.

Just as he was doing this, he heard a cough from behind him. Irate but curious, Haruka looked over his shoulder and found himself wishing he hadn't. Sitting behind him with a silly smile on his face was his master (still wearing the ridiculous outfit) Kantarou. Inside, Haruka was crying.

"What are you doing here?" sobbed the poor man.

"I was dropped from the sky…" the other, not sobbing, man replied in a dreamy voice.

"You would just happen to land on me, wouldn't you?"

"Naturally."

Kantarou stood up and offered a hand to his companion. Slightly dazed, the tengu accepted the appendage and was pulled to his feet. The two of them stared at each other for a second.

"Where were you headed?" asked Kantarou, in a hope to get the other talking.

"I was about to get donuts from the Muffin Man…"

"Sounds yummy, can I come?"

Haruka paused to think; he had been on his way to get donuts to celebrate Kantarou's disappearance, wouldn't it be kind of weird to invite said disappeared person to come? The tengu looked at the cheerful man, well, one was the loneliest number…

"Sure, why not?"

So the two of them began to walk along the footpath and into the sunset, when suddenly, something occurred to Haruka.

"I thought you'd been kidnapped by Youko?"

Kantarou looked confused for a second before realisation dawned on his face.

"OH! You must mean Kan-chan!"

Haruka looked confused this time.

"Kan-chan is my pencil holder."

"…"

"I named it after myself."

"…"

"Actually, can you call me Fiend now? Sugino came up with it."

"…Let's just get the donuts."

"Can we get skittles instead?"

"What?"

"I want to taste the rainbow!"

"STFU."