One day, Jesus rolled up at the party his ghetto wagon in a hope to pick up a few shawties to take back to his crib. He got out of the ghetto wagon and was greeted by his homies Peter, John and James who were already geared up for the event with party hats.

"Where did you get those hats from? I want one!" He exclaimed

The 3 men lead him into the party to a table which had the hats on. After a few minutes of deep thought and meditation, he decided that the red hat was most fitting for the occasion (as well as that, it went really well with his eyes). When it was firmly placed on his head the strap was just a bit too small so it pinched his chin.

"Everyone settle down." Maria said to everyone

Jesus and his homies sat on the floor towards the back of the crowd.

"Now give it up for Cornelius the Clown!"

A man with a white face, thick lips and an unnaturally red nose came before the crowd. Jesus gasped. Did the clown have a cold? How could he get his nose so red? Cornelius had bright green and blue hair that stuck out of his head in an Afro that looked difficult to brush though.

"Hello children, I'm Cornelius the clown" he squealed spraying them with water from his fake flower badge

The clown grinned at the children around Jesus then looked directly at him.

"We're going to have fun, aren't we?"

"Are we?" Jesus whispered nervously reaching for Peter's hand to hold it

His voice was deep and raspy. As if the man had a cold, which would explain why his nose was so red. Or maybe it was red because he killed someone then dipped his nose in the persons blood.

"Now for this joke I need a volunteer" the man said staring directly at Jesus

Slowly Jesus shook his head and began to grip Peter's hand tighter. The man was going to kill him. He was going to slice him open with his stupidly large feet which would have stupidly large toenails for cutting purposes, rip out his organs and make balloon animals from them. A few children held up their hands and a young girl was selected.

She was going to die. Jesus could sense it. The girl stood up and stepped over the other jealous children then stood by his side.

"We have to save her" Jesus whispered to Peter

Peter didn't seem to be half as fearful as Jesus was. The man did an odd act. Letting the girl throw sweets in his mouth and somehow the children found it entertaining. Frankly, Jesus was horrified. When he finished he gave the sweets to her.

Poison.

Jesus covered his mouth and let out a muffled sob as she placed the strawberry flavoured sweet into her mouth. Chewing it slowly then swallowing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Jesus screamed leaping over and cradling the girl in his arms as she blinked back at him up. He then pointed his index finger at Cornelius the clown "I see right through your little act!"

Suddenly Jesus realised something. Children, sweets, being a clown, always being at children's birthday parties. It's obvious what this man is. It's obvious what he gets a kick out of.

"You're a cannibal"

Cornelius's expression turned dark. A smirk came upon his lips.

"You've caught me this time Jesus but you will never defeat me." The man took of his wig and ripped of his face mask to reveal he was, in fact, Shia LaBeouf.

"You! I thought I got rid of you in the Hunger Games*"

"You can try Jesus but you will never get rid of me." Shia chuckled unfolding a unicycle from his brief case that lay on the floor by his feet and riding away.

Next time Shia... Next time.

* - I'm referring to a previous bestseller of mine appropriately named 'Jesus in the Hunger Games' s/9049896/1/Jesus-in-the-Hunger-Games