Everybody and everything familiar still belongs to Janet. The mistakes are mine alone.
I've never been easy to love. You can ask anyone who knows me. Not that you even have to ask, because residents of the Burg are pretty free with that particular information.
"Don't bother asking Stephanie," I've heard more times than I needed to. "She doesn't know what she wants or who she wants it from."
And for a time ... I'm sorry to say I really did believe everything that was said about me. Actually ... it was more like last week I still bought into all the 'Stephanie is a screw-up' crap. The finger-shaped bruises on my right forearm from an angry skip are almost gone, but they're still visible if anyone wanted to look. I did everything Ranger has taught me. My gun, which I'd put bullets in before leaving my apartment, was easily accessible along with a fully charged cell phone that got me backup seconds after I placed a call to Ranger from the skip's driveway.
I wanted to do everything right the first time, but apparently I fucked up anyway and needed Tank to get the guy away from me after I called my skip a few names he didn't like but definitely deserved. I hated to admit that my temper and my mouth made what could've been a simple capture worse. I pulled up my big girl panties, as Mary Lou likes to say, and I apologized to Ranger for having to place another 'help me' call. I also said sorry to Tank. He made it from their SUV to me faster than Bobby, which made him the one punching out the guy.
Tank said 'no problem', Bobby complained that he didn't get to hit anyone, and Ranger thought I was being too hard on myself. I disagreed with him. There comes a time when you have to acknowledge that your life's a mess. And mine has been a mess for so long now, I'm not sure I could identify a 'normal' one anymore. But I'm done pretending like I'm okay with having a label saying 'fuck-up' attached to me.
A major part of my mind-change is Ranger. It took longer than it probably should have, but after some serious thought and a sleepless night or two, it finally sank in that he's one of the limited few who actually loves me no matter what. He doesn't just enjoy what I look like, and isn't interested only in what I can do for him, he genuinely likes the person he believes me to be. But thanks to my own insecurities about why a man like him would care about me, I didn't trust that he'd continue to love me once the newness of 'having me' wore off.
So to protect our friendship, and myself in case I was right about him growing tired of me eventually, I made up a bunch of bullshit excuses on why it'd be better for us to stay just friends. I've never been more wrong about anything, and now I have to actually say exactly that, or something similar, to a man who up until recently appeared as relationship-phobic as I am.
It probably makes no sense what was first on my list of things to do, but to me it felt completely necessary. Morelli needs to understand that we are never going to be together again and he has to stop letting people believe that we will be so Ranger won't be one of them. I also want it known that I won't tolerate it if he targets Ranger or the guys to get back at me for getting together with the boss.
I thought asking Morelli to meet me at Pino's would hopefully cut down on his overwhelming need to yell at me, since calling me names like stupid, crazy, or a mess, was typically reserved for closed-door 'discussions' unless he was really angry. From day one he's been overly critical of me, but I was so used to hearing the same crap from my mom, I grew used to to it and stopped expecting anything better. It took another car bomb and Eddie and Ranger getting fed up with Joe's arm-flapping and finger-pointing, each telling him to knock it off or they'd knock his head off, for me to look at Morelli with new eyes ... and they no longer saw him in my future.
I thought my past was behind me, but I was wrong. And before I approached Batman, the only man I did see as my entire future, I felt I had to get Morelli to understand that history will not be repeating itself. I'm done with him and if he doesn't feel the same, I have people to help take care of that. Ones who'll be watching out for me and Ranger. Juniak and Gazarra trump my mom and his in the Burg food chain and Morelli and I both know it. If Joe doesn't listen to me today, he'll be left to deal with the consequences. He won't be allowed to use Ranger to hurt me, which was another worry I had about officially becoming 'Manoso's Woman'.
Joe was late getting to the restaurant. My soda was half gone and I was already well beyond mad. In all the years I've known him, he's never put me first, so I don't know why I thought I'd warrant a courtesy appearance now. I know for sure there is absolutely nothing left between us because I'm more irritated at myself for being annoyed than I was pissed at him. I've stopped feeling much of anything where he's concerned.
"Hey, Cupcake. I see you've changed your mind already about never wanting to 'see my stupid face' again," he said, ordering a chicken parm sub before giving me his distracted attention.
Putting his stomach ahead of me and only listening with one ear is nothing new either.
"This isn't a reconciliation meal. This one is to make sure you finally get that our break is a permanent one. I chose Pino's hoping that everyone who'll be trying to read our lips or hear our conversation will start believing me when I say that you and I are through."
That put an end to the cocky grin he'd been sporting. "What are you talking about?"
"I don't want you thinking that we're getting back together. We aren't. So you really have to stop telling people we are. Grandma Mazur called me first thing this morning to say Gina Giovichinni told her that you and are back on according to you. I need you to help end the rumors, not start more."
"Don't be ridiculous. We always work things out. We just need an occasional breather."
"You don't get how insane that is, do you? You shouldn't want to be away from the person you hope to marry. Think about this, what would we have done if we'd gotten married long ago? Would we have kept an apartment handy or take separate vacations whenever we got sick or pissed off at each other, since we can't last two weeks in the same living space? And what if we'd had kids? Would you take them with you and Mooch camping while I head to the beach alone or vice versa?"
He looked at me with his 'cop face' firmly in place. For such a 'good detective', he doesn't seem to like hearing the facts or facing the truth.
"Now are you getting the picture? I figured if we're both telling everyone we're done, and started seeing other people, the Burg and everyone else will have to give up on us and find a new couple to harass."
"That sounds like you already have someone in mind to move onto?"
He always believed that Ranger was a possibility, and now that I do, too, I'm not going to deny it.
"Shit, Steph. Manoso?" He said, his color not looking promising for a calm conversation. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Nope. I'm serious about this and him. So don't start thinking there's something you can do or say to change that. Eddie will be watching and reporting to Juniak if you go after Ranger or his company."
He ignored that. He would because he still thinks he has more pull in Trenton than anyone else.
"You're not really so stupid," he began, "to believe Manoso will give you what you need?"
"First off, I'm not stupid. And the major difference between you and him is ... he's already given, and continues to give, me everything I need; love, consideration, attention, protection, affection, and most importantly ... encouragement. If I ever have kids, I'd want them to say that they're proud of me, like Ranger always does ... not that I embarrass them or make them physically ill as you've repeatedly accused me of doing to you."
"I've never said anything like that."
"No? What about all those comments about you having to pop a handful of antacids whenever my name is mentioned? Or that you were doing Mylanta shots because my behavior caused your stomach to go nuts and not let you leave the bathroom? Sound familiar now? Kids pay real close attention to what you don't want them to see or know, and I'll be damned if my kids end up pitying me like you seem to. Not that I've changed my mind on having any. It's just one more thing I've been looking at from a different perspective."
"He's going to hurt you ..."
"And what? You insulting me all the time or loudly questioning my maturity, intelligence, and sanity, in front of everyone I know, didn't hurt?"
He went quiet again.
"I just wanted to give you a heads-up that Ranger and I could finally manage to happen. I also wanted to warn you that I'm not going to stop him if you try to stop us."
"You've gotten pretty full of yourself if you'd think I'd resort to that."
"Not at all ... I just know how you and your grandmother get sometimes when you think you're the ones who were wronged."
"Just so you know, Cupcake, I'm not going to just sit around waiting for you to come crawling back when he starts disappearing every other week again."
I stood as his food was placed in front of him. "Not only will I never crawl anywhere, it wouldn't be to you anyway. If Ranger has to leave for a job, I'll keep myself busy by counting the milliseconds until he's with me again if I can't go with him."
On the way to my car, I reminded myself that my opinion of me is the only one I need to be worried about. And I do have someone who sees the best in me ... if I can convince him that I know that now.
I drove as slow as the law allowed to the Rangeman building so I could work out what I needed to say to make Ranger see that I really do love and appreciate him, and that things will be different between us from now on, because I feel different. I suppose I could survive without him if I was forced to, but I really don't want to. It only took a week of not getting to spend more than a few seconds with, or talking to, him to fully comprehend that.
To anyone looking at Ranger, they'd see an unrealistically hot, imposing yet incredibly charming man. To me, he's a lifesaver and a dream-builder. My Batman probably wouldn't believe it, but I had wanted whatever he could offer me at the time he offered it. I haven't been prepared to purposely go after it, though, until today. And Ranger deserved that. He's always there for me, and it's about time I go after him.
I'll have to accept it if he doesn't want to take this leap with me, because I'm already committed to making my life better than it had been, but nothing would be the same without him agreeing to be part of it. One of my biggest problems, I finally realized, is that although I don't want to need anyone, he's made it impossible for me not to need and want him.
I parked in the underground garage right next to his Turbo and pulled out my cell. Now that I'm here, it would probably be good to make sure he's actually in the building and on what floor.
"Babe," he said, after one full ring.
"Hi."
It's not much, but just hearing his voice lessened my tension.
"What are you doing in the garage?" He asked me.
"I wanted to talk to you and I wasn't sure where you were."
"I'm in my office on five. Is this a life or death situation?"
"Yes ... no. I mean, no one's holding a gun on me at the moment, if that's the kind of life or death thing you meant."
I can almost see the grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. "That's always reassuring to hear. I'll meet you on seven."
"If you're in the middle of something ..."
"Steph, if you think this is important, I want to hear what it is. Head up to my apartment. I'm leaving now."
Yeah, I never have to worry about Ranger not putting me first.
I heaved myself out of my POS car and took the stairs to the seventh floor. Now that I know I'm actually going to do this, I needed even more thinking time to figure out what I should do if he turns me down ... or takes me immediately to bed.
I did take a lengthy shower before going to Pino's with that thought in mind. And currently everything on me is smooth and moisturized. I also chose my sexiest underwear to put under my jeans and tank top just in case Ranger got really interested in seeing it. Nothing with him is predictable, but if he winds up intent on seducing me, I don't want to waste time worrying that my legs are prickly.
My Range Man was standing in his open doorway with his distractingly-muscled arms crossed over his chest when I almost tripped coming out of the stairwell. My idea of climbing seven flights of stairs ruined all the prep work I'd done to look and smell nice for him, because my entire body is now covered in a layer of sweat.
"You chose the stairs over the elevator?" He asked.
"Yeah, I must've been crazy."
"Or worried about something."
He handed me the bottle of water he knew I'd need and pulled me inside his place. I choked down half of the icy-cold liquid and decided right then and there to finally take him up on his offer of unlimited gym access. I really don't want to look like a burnt lobster every time I chase someone down or take a few stairs up.
He relocked his door and ushered me into the kitchen. I sank gratefully down onto a chair and found myself looking straight into his dark eyes when I raised mine.
"Does this unexpected visit have anything to do with your Pino date with Morelli?" He asked, not sitting but not quite looming.
"I fully intended to come here all along, but I had to get rid of Joe first. Our meeting couldn't have been further from a date, considering the cloud of irritation that had been hovering above the table. I had to get a few things straightened out so he and I would stopped being linked together in a conversation. I don't want you to have the wrong idea."
"You didn't think a shared meal would add fuel to the fire?"
"There was no meal shared. I ordered a soda when I first got there, which was almost gone before Morelli meandered into the place. Rumors would've been way worse if I went to his house. Plus, I thought he'd act less jerky if we were in a public place."
He didn't say anything to that, since he's had to witness a few of those jerky moments. I saw his gaze drop to my arm and the faint, now green, marks on them. "I should've had Tank kill Theindell."
"I'm fine. I almost had him without help, but I didn't expect to be shooting my mouth off as I was trying to cuff him."
"You and Tank were each justified in your actions."
"I held out calling the a-hole a dickless wonder for as long as I could, but I draw the line at the 'C' word being shouted at me while the guy was clearly wanting to cop a feel of mine."
"According to Tank and Brown, your attempt to bite your tongue had been a commendable effort."
"Only you would say that. And don't worry, you really didn't have to kill him, because my knee made him wish he was dead for a good five minutes at least." I shrugged. "He didn't much care for that ... and Tank didn't much care for Theindell grabbing me to try to get revenge."
"I should've been there."
"You can't always be. And you did send the next best thing. Thanks again for that."
He touched me then, sliding his hand under my arm and rubbing his thumb lightly over the fading bruises.
"You still got hurt ... and that doesn't make me happy."
"I know. And it won't happen again."
"I want that in writing," he told me. "Preferably signed in front of a notary"
I smiled at him as he took the chair across from me. This is how it should be. The two of us talking about work and then joking about it afterwards. Things are always so easy between us, not at all strained or hesitant. I don't have to worry about him calling me fifty kinds of stupid for what I did during five minutes of my life.
If Ranger feels at all apprehensive about an apprehension I have to do, he'll conveniently just show up at my or the FTA's place to help me. If he can't get away from work, he'll send the closest available men, like Tank and Bobby the other day, even when I swear I'll be careful. That would be the end of the discussion unless he or I ask the other a question about how the capture went or could've gone better. No shaming, yelling, or bullying, involved.
"And the meeting with Morelli?" He reminded me.
"I wanted Joe to stop giving people the idea that he and I are just on a hiatus. I was over him even before we ended things. I've come to my senses on a lot of stuff, and it's time for me to move on from him and from the person I thought didn't deserve someone better than him. And I'd like to do that with you, because I do love you and you are better in every single way ... not only to me, but to everyone around you."
He remained silent, but I was watching his face so intently, looking for a reaction. I was rewarded with a big one. If I didn't have a PhD in Ranger-reading, I wouldn't have caught it. His pupils dilated momentarily before returning to normal, which is the Batman-equivalent of a full-body happy dance. I let out the nervous breath I'd sucked in as I looked around the kitchen, spotting one of my ponytail holders on the corner of the counter near where I keep my stash of emergency snacks. I smiled to myself. I can actually picture the rest of my crap littering this place someday.
"You told Morelli sayonara in the middle of Pino's?" He asked finally.
"I told him that weeks ago. Today I was just there to reinforce my earlier words. I want everyone to know that I'm serious about changing my life. Your name came up while I was explaining that ... so I think he believed it this time."
His eyes didn't move off my face, and I was suddenly feeling sympathetic towards anything microscopic.
"You told him you were coming to me?" He asked.
"Yeah, that probably wasn't smart ..."
"You are always smart, Steph. You do things differently than most, but that's what makes you good at what you do. You're also always thinking, which has caused me a few restless nights."
"Thanks ... I think, but I don't deserve a confidence boost. I did just have to ask Morelli to do me a favor by not talking about me anymore."
"I'll take care of that one. I'll be more effective delivering that message. You just hit on what I've been trying to get you to understand. You deserve much more than you've had ... and I want to be the one to give it to you."
"I think subconsciously I've always known that. That's likely what had me fighting this ... us ... for so long," I told him. "I still haven't figured out why you'd want to give me everything. I never expected someone like you ..."
"And you think I was expecting to fall in love with you?"
"Probably not."
"Try definitely not, but I got over the shock quickly."
"We both know you're made up of way stronger stuff than me. I also have a hard head and really stunted emotions, so it took longer for me to figure us out."
"And now?"
"I want to be with you without any doubts or questions on what we mean to each other or where we're headed," I admitted.
"You're sure you can commit completely to this?"
"Yeah ... and you know how stubborn I can get when I want something. Morelli is never going to be an issue again ... unless he tries to harass or arrest you because of me."
It was subtle, but I saw his shoulders relax. "He doesn't warrant a second thought. I can handle him. He'll only be an issue if he comes near you."
"I'm learning from my mistakes, and he's been a multiple decade one. I was way too young, then naive, followed by incredibly stupid, but I'm not any of those anymore. I know I made a mess of things and I'm so sorry for that. I'm also sorry for dragging you into it before I dealt with it."
"I was hoping you'd see how well you and I fit together, but it had to be at a time you were ready to handle it."
"I've made a lot of decisions recently, like I'm going to start using your stupid gym for more than just a form of reality TV. I also promise to visit the gun range at least once a week."
"Four times a week," he corrected. "And you'll be working with me and a few of my men, three times a week to learn some basic self-defense moves."
I made a face. "Alright. Just don't pair me with Bobby, okay? Apparently he gets cranky when he can't hit someone."
"He's been that way since I've know him."
"I also decided that I'm a complete moron if I stay away from you when I don't have to."
"Good answer," he said, using his much larger, much stronger body to his advantage by lifting me off my chair and into his lap. "If you ever try putting the brakes on us again, you won't like the consequences."
"Since I don't intend to, I don't have to worry about any consequences," I told him, pressing my lips to his just to get a taste of him again. "You're stuck with me now for a really long time, so you may be the one looking to put some distance between us next."
"Not a chance," he said, sliding his hands down to my legs.
"So we're going to attempt being a couple?" I asked.
"No attempt required, Babe, we just are."
"And you still love me?"
"Yes. And I see myself loving you for a 'really long time'," he said, repeating my words back to me. "If you hadn't shown up today, I would have broken into your apartment tonight."
I lifted my head from where it'd been resting on his t-shirt-covered chest.
"You were coming to me?"
"I was seriously considering it," he told me. "And now that I remember exactly how good you feel against me, I definitely would have paid you a visit ... sooner rather than later."
I settled back down. "If it's any consolation, I wouldn't have lasted another day without seeing you," I said. "Talking for only a couple of minutes at a time isn't nearly enough."
"Hearing that does help."
"I'm not kidding. Every time Rangeman gets slammed with extra work ... I go through major Ranger-withdrawals."
"Do those cause the same withdrawal symptoms as cutting out sugar?"
"There are a few similarities," I said, remembering that I'd pictured him naked and at my mercy on a few of those occasions.
"What do you see happening now?" He asked, his fingertips finding their way under the hem of my tank top to the now hyper-sensitive skin below my rib cage. "Should I call Ella and have her bring dinner for two tonight? Or would you rather go out somewhere? I can get us a table at a highly-reviewed restaurant that just opened on the Jersey/Pennsylvania line."
I shook my head against him. "I'm not really hungry."
"Challenging me already, Babe?"
Before I could ask what he meant, he was standing up with me still molded to him.
"Give me five minutes," he said, "and I guarantee you'll be extremely ... hungry."
I didn't protest at all when I was carried into the bedroom I've already earned closet space in. He doesn't have to worry about taking me out to satisfy any of my appetites. Between the care he shows me, the 'temple' he calls a body, plus Ella's cooking, I don't have to go outside this building to feel fuller than I ever have before.