Alternatively titled: "In which Karkat Vantas, a mutant blooded troll, freaks out about something and spirals into nothing but a pile of tears and ends up being pushed to the point that this fanfiction is completely 100% Angst and has to be put at an M rating for self harm triggers due to it's confusing plot of nothing besides blubbering mutant trolls with a tenancy to self harm and this is probably a warning to back the fuck out of this fanfiction unless you want to see some friendly bro bonding of John and Karkat and maybe a little bit of homo smooching and some fluffy hugging and some really pretty cute cuddling to make this a Johnkat fic because I'm a sick fuck then go ahead and stay but man this is a long as fuck alternative title I guess it's considered to be an Alternian fanfiction title I don't know either way this is long and I should probably finish this title before I spoil the ending for you either way enjoy the fuck out of this and please don't cry over it."
Yeah idk either.
You couldn't fucking take it anymore. Nobody seemed to fucking care about you, nobody seemed to notice you, and above all YOU COULDN'T TELL IF THEY HATED YOU OR NOT WHICH WAS A PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS!
You ran into your respiteblock and slammed the door shut, it didn't take long before you leaned against the door as tears slid down your face. It also didn't take long for you to curl up in a ball and start sobbing into your knees. The silence all around you, aside from your sobs, cut you harshly. Like a knife. You shook, throwing your head back and letting out a loud scream. It seemed to be a pained scream, but it didn't matter. Like anybody heard you. It felt good, screaming. You did it a few more times, getting louder and louder before your voice broke, making you cough. You wiped your eyes, sniffling. When you pulled your sleeve off your eyes, the first thing that caught your eye was your sickle.
"N-no..." You mumbled to yourself, getting up and grabbing it. Yep, it's 'Smell Ya Later'. You sat down on the human bed you had in there, pulling off your oversized sweater, looking at all the mostly faded white scars. You bit your lip, feeling the red tears slide down your cheeks as you slid the blade over your arm. The stinging pain of it mixing with the cold feeling of the blade releasing the cherry red blood concealed inside your skin almost made you feel a tinge but of happy. It didn't last long, as you saw your blood sliding down your arm. You shook, cutting over your arms old scars, until a carved "MUTANT" was in your arm. A fresh one. You switched arms, doing the same thing. This continued until you had blood all over your arms. Each cut you made seemed to get deeper. You continued down your sides and over your chest. By the time you got near your neck, you felt faint. You tried to get at the neck, nicking the sides of it, not really getting deep. You tried, but you couldn't.
You couldn't fucking do it. You couldn't kill yourself, like the weak little mutant you are. You felt the tears slide down more, sliding over your cuts, stinging them as the salty tears slid in. You wiped your eyes, which didn't help as the blood was still on your arms, and slightly on your hands, causing the flood of tears to continue. You slid off your bed, sitting in a small pool of blood. Blood was also on your blankets, but you didn't care. Like you would even sleep. You couldn't. You consider yourself to be an Insomniac. You didn't know how long you sat like that as your cuts attempted to close up. You went to grab your sweater, when you heard your door open as a small gasp was heard. You turned your head towards the door, your eyes widening.
It was fucking John Egbert.
You felt more tears slide down your face, lowering your head.
"J-John, I-" You couldn't finish your sentence as you heard footsteps walk over to you, soon being scooped up in his arms. You shook, unsure of what to think as he walked out of the room with you.
"Karkat." He finally spoke. He had taken you to his room and into the bathroom, even though you had your own bathroom, and he was currently cleaning your wounds. You had your arms bandaged up, and he was currently wrapping your torso. He had tossed your pants into the tub and so you were left in your boxers. You had more scars on your legs, but you didn't cut them this time. You didn't feel like passing out. You looked at him, your eyes bloodshot from crying.
"Y-Yes?" Your voice was still sore from screaming, but at the same time, you were scared for what he was going to say to you. He finished bandaging you up and he carried you to his bed, laying you down before he sat next to you, stroking your hair.
"Why?" You knew what he meant.
"I- why do you care why I did it?"
"Because I'm your friend, and I want to know why you would do such a thing. You could of killed yours-"
"WELL MAYBE I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF!" You snapped, you didn't mean to shout, but you did. He blinked, sighing.
"Karkat, why did, or do, you want to kill yourself? Please, just tell me."
"Well, nobody even fucking cares about me. I'm a stupid fucking mutant that nobody would even realize would be gone if I left."
"I would notice."
"Yeah, right. You're always with Dave making those absurd human gay jokes that I can't even decipher because your human sexuality is fucking weird as hell."
"Karkat."
"Besides that, everyone seems to hate me and I don't know if they actually do or why they do if they actually hate me."
"Karkat."
"And further more;" Tears were already sliding down your face, your voice cracking. "Why would anyone want to even be around me if I'm just a const-"
"KARKAT!" You were startled, hiding under his blankets, shaking. You had no clue he could get so angry. You heard him sigh as he moved off the bed. You didn't peek over the blanket as he laid down next to you. You felt a hand on your cheek and you turned towards him, feeling a soft pair of lips on them. Your face went red with embarrassment. It took you a minute to process what was going on, and by the time you did, he pulled away.
"Uh-"
"Karkat, nobody hates you, okay? And if anything, I want to be around you, even if that means you yell at me." You wiped your eyes, moving closer and hugging him. He hugged you back, kissing your forehead. "I love you." You looked up at him, blinking.
"You what?"
"I love you. No homo intended."
"I still don't know what that means."
"Then it doesn't matter." You laid your head closer to him, listening to his blood pusher.
"It's fast."
"What?"
"This thing." You placed your hand on his chest, feeling the fast pace of his blood pusher. "It's fast."
"Oh."
"Yeah." You listened to it some more, closing your eyes and purring softly. "Oh, and John?"
"Yeah, Karkat?"
"Love you, too." You could tell he smiled, kissing your head softly and holding you close. You dozed off, the blood pusher's pace being your lullaby.
"Karkat, psst, Karkat." You opened your eyes slightly, looking up at who was talking to you. It was still John. You blushed lightly, rubbing your eyes.
"Yeah?"
"Are you cold? You woke me up with your shivering." Thinking about it, the room was eerily chilly. You nodded and he got up, coming back. "I washed your sweater earlier, it should be dry now. Here." You grabbed it and slid it on. It didn't really smell like you anymore, it smelled more like him. You closed your eyes, opening them wide.
"Wait, was I asleep?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I haven't slept in months besides small one hour naps every two to three days, and those were just nightmares that I couldn't recover from."
"Okay?"
"I didn't have a nightmare."
"Oh." He laid down next to you, holding you close. "Well, I guess that's good then." You nodded, smiling.
"Thanks, John."
"I don't really think it's because of me, but you're welcome I guess." You laid your head against his chest, smiling.
The end? I guess? I don't know how to end this, it's been a long time since I've written a one-shot.