A Day (and a Night) in Korea
(Author's Note - This is based on the idea that the Marx Brothers are touring the army camps in the Korean War, entertaining the troops. Now I know that they didn't do this in Korea (they did in WWII) but I thought it would be fun for them to meet the cast of MASH. Oh yes, I also know that the characters of Groucho, Harpo and Chico aren't real and that they are actors too but I thought that the characters are too adorable to miss out. Hope you enjoy! Constructive criticism is welcome as this is my first ever fanfiction.)
The sun was beginning to set in South Korea, bathing the camp of the 4077 MASH in a mellow orange glow. The coffee in the mess-tent was beginning to set too, but what do you expect when you try to brew it in a gallon-tank? Without warning a burst of piercing static rang through the compound, followed shortly by a familiar voice speaking over the PA system –
"Bad news folks, dinner will be served in five minutes. The first twenty customers get a complimentary stomach pump, the rest of you are on your own."
As the staff began to reluctantly amble across the compound, the ever-present yellow dust rising and settling in flurries as it was disturbed by the constant tread of army boots, the sound of a jeep could be heard racing down the road. Mixed with the sound of the tyres squealing and the engine roaring could be heard the faint strains of 'Lydia the Tattooed Lady' sung by two strangulated male voices, accompanied by what was unmistakably a taxi horn.
The jeep pulled into the compound and out jumped Groucho and Chico Marx, followed shortly by Harpo who jumped directly on top of the other two, knocking them to a heap on the floor. As they stood up and brushed the dust off of their clothes (I said it was ever-present didn't I?) Colonel Potter came out of his tent. He approached the boys smiling, at last his surprise guests had arrived!
"Well, I'm mighty glad to see you boys" he drawled, extending a hand. Harpo was the only one to accept the hand, but offering his leg in return.
Groucho held up a fresh cigar (he had just lifted it from Potter's top pocket) and lighting it said, "Say, I thought being an actor was a terrible Korea. This place looks like it was decorated with the contents of a caveman's garbage can. Speaking of garbage, do you guys have anything to eat around here? We only had some hard-boiled eggs on the flight down here and these two clowns insisted on playing 'catch' with 'em first. Normally I wouldn't mind of course but we were on separate airplanes."
Potter chuckled, "of course we have something to eat, though I don't know if you'd wanna call it food. Just in that tent there. I hope you don't mind if I don't join you though, I'm off to finish a poker game I was losing earlier."
At the mention of the word 'poker', Chico, who up until now had been staring vacantly into space stood up straight and said "Poker! I play-a poker. Deal me in boss. In fact-a you don' need to give me-a cards, I got all-a the cards I need here, up-a ma sleeve." He and Potter entered a nearby tent arm-in-arm, chuckling and talking flushes and odds.
Harpo and Groucho looked at each other and shrugged. "You're a good boy aren't you?" Groucho said to Harpo, "you don't wanna waste your time on gambling." Harpo shook his head innocently. Just then Major Houlihan strode across the compound, heading for the mess tent. Her blond hair caught Harpo's eye and without pausing he began chasing her, honking his horn and whistling.
As the screams died down Groucho looked to his invisible audience and said, "now there's a kind of gambling that's worth the risk! From this angle, I'd say the odds didn't look too bad on her either."
Inside the mess-tent Hawkeye was sitting at a bench, his loud Hawaiian shirt contrasting starkly with the khaki green uniform of the nurse he was trying desperately to entangle himself with. She pushed him away, holding him at arm's length whilst he loudly kissed every part of her he could get near.
"Come on Baker," he pleaded, "a wild night of playing Father Mulcahy's Bingo nibbling on World War II surplus pretzels. How can any woman refuse that?" He opened his mouth to kiss her again but she wedged an apple into his mouth. Temporarily silenced, he let go of nurse Baker and she made her escape.
As he was pulling the apple out of his mouth, BJ slid onto the bench saying "well, you know what they say, an apple a day keeps the doctor away."
"Ha ha Beej," Hawkeye replied sarcastically "don't you know how starved for excitement I am? Why, last week I shot a North Korean in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know."
"Hey! That sounds awfully familiar." Groucho said as he joined them at the table. The normally unflappable Hawkeye was silenced. Here, sitting right opposite him, was the man he worshipped. The man he idolised, the man he respected and perhaps more importantly, the man he stole the most jokes from.
Groucho grinned, looked down at his tray then stopped grinning, "what is this?" "I think it was roast beef, about two days ago. Or beef soup tomorrow morning. It's at that awkward in-between stage" replied Hawkeye.
"Why don't you come to The Swamp for some cake?" BJ offered, "my wife Peg made it. You'll need to bring that spoon though, it got a bit shook up on the way here"
"I know how it feels" said Groucho.
After a few spoonfuls of sponge cake Groucho, BJ and Hawkeye were sitting around the tent joking and laughing. Hawkeye took a slurp from his martini and offered one to Groucho.
"No thanks" he replied. "If I wanna go feel sick, start crying and fall over all I have to do is look at my bank balance. Either that or my wife." Just then the sound of a horn honking could be heard, accompanied by a panicked shrieking.
Hotlips burst into the tent screaming "Frank! Frank! Help me my darling, this red-haired menace wants to ravish me!" Harpo charged into the room but dived onto an empty cot instead and instantly fell asleep, arms folded beneath his head like a baby.
Seeing that she had made a fool of herself Hotlips straightened her uniform and regained her composure, "I'm looking for Major Burns" she snapped, "I need him to sign some forms for me."
"Is that what you kids are calling it these days?" Hawkeye smirked. As the three burst into laughter Hotlips angrily stalked out. Sensing she was gone, Harpo woke up and gave pursuit once more honking and whistling again.
After that unusual interruption the talking resumed, only to be disrupted moments later by Frank Burns entering.
"Hello Frank" said BJ.
"Nice try Hunnicutt" he whined, "and who's this? another of your disreputable friends?"
"Flatterer!" replied Groucho.
"You know, you aren't fooling anyone with that moustache you know" Frank said.
"I can see nothing gets past you" said Groucho. Just then Harpo re-entered the tent whistling a rousing army song. As he neared the end he needed a loud drum to accompany him on the final note. Seeing Burns' helmet on his head he marched up to him and producing his blackjack gave him a solid (but musical) whack to the head, knocking him out cold. Ten minutes later the four of them left the Swamp laughing and joking, heading for the Officer's Club. Frank Burns was stretched out on his bed, wearing a pair of spectacles and with a large greasepaint moustache and eyebrows painted on his face.
In the O.C. Father Mulcahy was playing (if you can call it that) a ragtime song as the rest of the patrons danced or drank. BJ, Hawkeye, Groucho and Harpo sat at a table talking (or in Harpo's case, honking). After a while Father Mulcahy left the piano to rapturous applause. What he didn't know is that they were applauding the silence and not his playing. Chico and Potter entered just then, each carrying a roll of bills and a horseshoe. They joined the others.
"Why the horseshoe?" asked BJ.
"Well, atsa very simple." Said Chico. "When-a play-a da poker I need-a da luck. And where better for-a da luck dan-a horshoe. I just hope-a da horse-a feet they don't get-a cold."
"What kind of medicine do you give a horse?" asked Groucho.
"Well if I'm-a feelin' hoarse, I have-a nice-a glass-a honey-a-lemon. How about you boss? Ha-ha! That's-a some joke eh?"
"There's a joke around here somewhere, and I think I'm lookin' at it" replied Groucho.
"Hey! A piano! Can I play?" asked Chico.
"I don't know, can you play? Said BJ. Chico chuckled (and if that's not a tongue-twister I don't know what is!) and made his way over to the piano. Immediately a crowd of nurses flocked around; he smirked and began to play, slow at first but getting faster and faster. As he reached the end he grabbed the horseshoe from his pocket and rolled it along the keys, using it to reach the higher notes, causing the nurses to giggle.
Whilst he played Groucho approached a tall brunette and, putting his arm around her waist, said "those are the hairiest stocking I have ever seen. How do you get those stockings sent out here? By hairmail? Did anyone ever tell you that you have beaudiful eyes?" The brunette turned around revealing the familiar face of Corporal Klinger.
"Hey buddy" he smirked "anyone ever tell you that you have the strangest taste in women?"
As the night drew on everyone began to make their way to their beds. Chico left with a couple of nurses, Groucho left with a slapped face and Harpo left with….Sophie!
The next morning everyone awoke the sound of the bugle. Radar, his eyes and cheeks bulging took the roll call. Everyone answered 'present' except Major Burns. Groucho and Hawkeye left to go check on him. They found him, still asleep and covered in greasepaint in the Swamp. Hawkeye excused himself to go the latrine, slamming the door as he left. The noise awoke Major Burns as he sat up straight in bed. Catching sight of himself in the mirror he let out a yell of rage. He stood up and bumped into Groucho. They stood still staring at each other for a moment, both looking surprised. Frank held up his arm, Groucho did the same. Frank scratched his head, Groucho did the same. Frank lifted his leg, Groucho lifted his. They circled each other. Then Groucho, sensing the game was almost up, shouted 'BOO' as loud as he could and ran away leaving Frank baffled.
The performance was due to take place that afternoon and as a makeshift stage was being erected Potter called the boys to his office for a talk and a drink. Harpo proceeded to rip up all the formal documentation, drink all the ink he could find and ended up jumping into a filing cabinet.
"That's the closest he's ever been to official papers" quipped Groucho. Chico insisted on talking horses ("you gotta da horse sense!") with Potter until Groucho interrupted by waltzing around the room with the display skeleton.
"Now seriously you boys" said Potter "I know you've come a long way to see us all but I want to ask you one more favour"
"Sure boss"
"will you be in a camp photo with us after your show?"
"Why, I'd be glad to" smirked Groucho "now, which is my best side? My right? My left?"
"No, your-a backside!" guffawed Chico.
Groucho rolled his eyes and turned to his invisible audience, "this is coming from a man who's best light is in the dark! You don't need a photo to remember his face, you need ten years of counselling to forget it!"
That afternoon the boys performed some of their most famous sketches for the staff. The satire on war from Duck Soup was not lost on the audience and even Frank and Hotlips joined in the fun. As the boys took their final bows Potter produced his camera. All the camp arranged themselves in formation with Groucho, Harpo and Chico in front. Potter set the timer going and ran to join the group. However, those few seconds were all it took for hell to break loose. Harpo spotted Hotlips and started climbing over everyone to get to her, Groucho made a joke that started everyone laughing hysterically, Chico noticed Zale (who owed him $50 from the poker game) and advanced towards him and then SNAP! When the picture was developed it showed a heap of laughing, screaming, crazy people caught in the midst of their lunacy. Potter pinned it with pride on his notice board.
That evening the boys jumped aboard the jeep once more, moving on to the 8063rd MASH. As they waved goodbye the whole camp ran out to see them off. Hawkeye tipped his hat, BJ grinned, Klinger did a curtsey, Hotlips permitted herself a rare smile and Potter (all dignity abandoned) threw a great big Gookie after Harpo. As the jeep vanished down the road the staff turned back to their tents as the chopper blades began to whir in the distance.
THE END