It was just a typical day at Hogwarts (well, if you consider any days there typical.) The students had just gotten back from summer vacation, so everyone was more apt to start problems like causing certain coffee mugs to vanish while their teachers were ready to drink from them. There were no real problems...until the sign came up.
"DEAR GOD, HELP US ALL!" Dumbledore shouted.
"What happened now?" Hagrid asked.
"There's...a sign..."
"Don't worry. Are you talking about that thing on the wall?"
"Yes it said 'Voldemort has infiltrated your school. I have gained your respect and now I will strike!' That's a very bad thing..."
"Yes, but it's nothing! Notice it was in ghetto letters! It's obviously some graffiti! We'll just have Filch wash it off and it'll be cool..."
"Yes, but what about Voldemort?"
"It's nothing."
"I don't know, I'm not going to be able to rest...ooh, Jerry Springer!" Dumbledore cast Hagrid out of his office.
"But what about..."
"Oh, just have someone search it out. A sixth or seventh year, they're expendable."
"Oh, all right..."
"Excuse me, class?" Hagrid asked.
"What, teach?" One of the seventh years asked.
"We need someone to take a serious job with the school. Apparently, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has gotten a stronghold in the school. If you find the person who is this person, we'll give you...free tests...no risk of failing...Automatic good stuff..."
"Well, if I won't have to do jack this year, I'll take the case!" one of the seventh-years in the back said.
"Great. And your name...?"
"Name's Robby Stone, Hufflepuff. Friends call me 'The Sorcerer Stoned', cause, well, I'm always stoned..." the youth replied.
"Great...Just go around...look for the 'unnamed one', that stuff..." Hagrid sent him off and went back to work. "Now, the Magic Goat of Presto Island is probably one of the most useful animals you can have..."
"Dammit, I'm going to have to work now, let's see...who would have the idea of where Magical Evil Dude would be...ah, that guy Harry Potter! Everything around here revolves around him in some way..." Stoned headed off to Gryffindor and waited for Potter to come out. Eventually, he saw Potter and his friends come out of the building.
"TELL...ME..EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT MAGICAL EVIL DUDE...PRONTO..." Stoned said.
"What is your problem? Do you expect him to know all of this immediately? It's some hard stuff!" Hermione replied.
"No, that's all right. Let me guess, the graffiti?" Harry asked.
"I guess...."
"Well, Voldemort's a bad mofo. He killed my parents, he gave me this cool scar..." Harry pulled his hair back."...And apparently he's on the warpath again."
"Well, what's he look like?"
"You know, basically vapor-esque, big red eyes...Ooh, is that an inhaler? I lost mine, and I'm feeling a little winded..." Harry took Stoned's trusty bong and took a huge hit off of it. "Whoa...that actually works..*cough*..."
"What did you find out today? Any leads?" Dumbledore asked.
"Well, I did see Harry Potter coming out of class today with huge red-eye, man..." Stoned replied.
"DEAR GOD, PLEASE SAY YOU'RE LYING!" Dumbledore replied. "It can't be him...no, it just can't..."
"Well, what has that kid done here, anyway? Couldn't he be...Magical Evil Dude?"
"Well, he's...helped us uncover a scheme for Voldemort...he's cleared a few people's names at Azkaban...he was the school's Triwizard champ last year..."
"Oh, could I get a lead on that?" Stoned asked.
"Well, just go to your House's head. You'll be fine..." Dumbledore shooed Stoned out and closed his office.
"Hmmm...my House..."
"Professor Sprout?"
"Robby! What's been going on? Did you get the 'seedlings' I left at your dorm?" Professor Sprout replied.
"Well, yeah...What's all that about a Triwizard Tournament?" Stoned asked.
"You didn't remember?"
"Well, the memory loss...why am I here?"
"Basically, we had this one tournament last year. Two of our students were in it...Cedric from our house did well...tied to win it...It's hard to remember..."
"What happened?"
"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named...killed him..." Sprout started to break down.
"This might be helpful. He might be on campus now. Who else was in the tournament?"
"Well, we had two representatives...Cedric and...oh yeah, Harry Potter...they tied, I believe..."
"So, what was the problem there? I mean, there's nothing that could point me into knowing where Voldemort is, right?" Harry was asking his friends.
"DON'T TRY TO PLAY DUMB, I'M ON TO YOU! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!" Stoned yelled about.
"What's eating him?" Harry asked.
"I don't know. I should check. Probably on one of his sprees...my brothers always told me he likes to grow illegal stuff in Herbology, use it, and yell how he is the Lizard King..." Ron replied as he walked over to Stoned. "What do you want?"
"Ah, you're one of his friends, right? You can give me some dirt...what went on last year between Harry and Cedric?"
"Um, I wouldn't know. They were...in the Tournament together..." Ron replied.
"Anything else? I'm close, I know it..."
"Well, they helped each other out, really were buddy-buddy during most of it...then around December...bam, he hated the guy..."
"Whoa...this isn't good..."
"Yeah, apparently Harry asked out this one chick over in Ravenclaw, but she went with Cedric instead...you know how being spurned can make a guy all...cuckoo and stuff..." Ron replied.
"THANK YOU!" Stoned replied as he ran off. "Let's see...they have the names of all of these chosen people in records...I'll just get them from Dumbledore... The only question is where to find the female in question...where would a person who's had their first boyfriend killed by an psychotic Dark wizard, then had their body returned by a person who may or may not be said Dark wizard flock to once school got back in session...YES! Only one place..."
Stoned quickly went back to his dorm and had to change. "Let's see...If I'm going to be trusted by these people, I need to look the part..." He quickly put on his jet-black robe, went into the first-years' dormitory, 'borrowed' some of the girls' lipstick and eyeliner, and headed out. "Perfect, the master of disguise awaits his subjects...
After a short search, Stoned found his quarry. "Ah...we have another entrant into our dark carnival...What is your sad story...young sojourner?" one of the females asked.
"I am...Radu, the Story-Keeper...of Darkness..." Stoned replied.
"WELCOME, RADU..."
"I search for the bringing of the Dark One to his just reward. In order for me to handle this, I look for those with a story for me to record so I may eventually go to him and destroy the Dark Lord as is my destiny...Is there any among us who have had...death touch someone close to them?" All of the other people raised their hands. "Death that touched someone close...recently? Like...Last year, during the Triwizard Tournament finals?" One hand remained raised. "Ah, perfect..."Stoned looked at his paper. "...Cho, is it? I know all about your tales in my endless book...OF DARKNESS..."
"CHO IS DEAD! I AM AZARITH, PRINCESS OF SORROW! I USE MY CABLE MODEM TO DOWNLOAD DRAGON BALL Z MOVIES!" Cho screamed.
"Ah, yes...Could you tell me a little about Cedric? I am researching something..."
"He...was involved with me...Apparently, I get attached, then he is taken away...Why is this supposed to happen to me? Who in this universe would allow one person to handle all of this pain?"
"I see...Did anyone else show any interest in you...?"
"Just one...Harry Potter..."
"I see....Thank you for your time...I will hopefully see you when all of us are not so blatantly being tortured by some dark, unfeeling God until Satan finally takes pity on us and sends us to be tortured covertly in Hell..." Stoned ran off. "Quickly, get the Goth germs off of me...get the Goth germs off of me..." Without looking, he ran straight into Draco Malfoy.
"WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?" Draco shouted.
"I was trying to...oh, hell, what can you tell me about Harry Potter?" Stoned asked.
"Yes, Harry Potter...Well, he has a Lot of experience with Voldemort...Anytime he comes around, Voldemort follows...He can talk to snakes...we all know that just MAKES you evil...He 'just so happened' to be able to shake off a Death curse...makes you think...Oh, and he's never out of the company of that Ron Weasley guy...go to the same classes...same dormitory...the only time they're not together is when they have some sort of 'spat', if you will...he's apparently most important to Potter...I overheard some noises in Gryffindor a couple weeks back consisting of them having Buttsex..." Draco kept going on and on until Stoned finally replied "Thanks, I've heard enough. I've got my case..."
"I have your culprit, Professor Dumbledore...I know who Voldemort is here..." Stoned replied.
"Great work, Rob! Just have them called in..."
"Yes, page Harry Potter into Dumbledore's office..." Stoned replied.
"You're not...serious, are you?" Dumbledore asked.
"You'll see..." Harry walked in. "What did you want, Professor...Oh. YOU. What is it now?"
"Well, Harry, as you may have seen, there's some proof of Voldemort lying in Hogwarts right now. The facts on you are astounding...You 'survived' his death curse as a baby, something NO one could do...unless they were Voldemort...You've been seen on campus with red eyes like Lord Voldemort's...You were the last person to be with Cedric Diggory, a person who is documented to have been killed by Lord Voldemort, while he was still alive, and there is proof that you fancied his girlfriend..."
"Um...Where did you get THAT crazy idea from? Is someone trying to blackmail me or something? I DON'T EVEN LIKE BRIAN MCKNIGHT!" Harry replied.
"Yes...anyway...we have proof that you can speak Parseltongue, which only Dark Wizards can do....According to one of my sources, you were caught, in the student's words, 'having buttsex' with another student in your dorm..."
"Um, that was...some other wizard...who happened to be named Harry..."
"Yes, well anyway...After all of this stuff, I think I can safely say that the actual Voldemort...is you, Old Man Dithers, head of the haunted amusement park!"
"What? I just got here!" Old man Dithers replied.
"Don't play dumb with us, you're Voldemort! Just show it!" Suddenly, Old Man Dithers took off his disguise to reveal that he was in fact Voldemort.
"YOU'VE WON THIS ROUND, SORCERER STONED, BUT I WILL GET MY REVENGE ON ALL OF YOU..." Suddenly, Harry bitch-slapped Voldemort. "Ow! That hurt!"
"Get out of here. Rob, you've done a service to the school. What can we do to repay you?"
"Um, you could get it legalized..."
"You've got it, Rob. You've got it." Dumbledore, Harry, and Stoned laughed. "Why are we laughing?" Harry asked.
"Aren't we supposed to?" Dumbledore replied.
"DEAR GOD, HELP US ALL!" Dumbledore shouted.
"What happened now?" Hagrid asked.
"There's...a sign..."
"Don't worry. Are you talking about that thing on the wall?"
"Yes it said 'Voldemort has infiltrated your school. I have gained your respect and now I will strike!' That's a very bad thing..."
"Yes, but it's nothing! Notice it was in ghetto letters! It's obviously some graffiti! We'll just have Filch wash it off and it'll be cool..."
"Yes, but what about Voldemort?"
"It's nothing."
"I don't know, I'm not going to be able to rest...ooh, Jerry Springer!" Dumbledore cast Hagrid out of his office.
"But what about..."
"Oh, just have someone search it out. A sixth or seventh year, they're expendable."
"Oh, all right..."
"Excuse me, class?" Hagrid asked.
"What, teach?" One of the seventh years asked.
"We need someone to take a serious job with the school. Apparently, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has gotten a stronghold in the school. If you find the person who is this person, we'll give you...free tests...no risk of failing...Automatic good stuff..."
"Well, if I won't have to do jack this year, I'll take the case!" one of the seventh-years in the back said.
"Great. And your name...?"
"Name's Robby Stone, Hufflepuff. Friends call me 'The Sorcerer Stoned', cause, well, I'm always stoned..." the youth replied.
"Great...Just go around...look for the 'unnamed one', that stuff..." Hagrid sent him off and went back to work. "Now, the Magic Goat of Presto Island is probably one of the most useful animals you can have..."
"Dammit, I'm going to have to work now, let's see...who would have the idea of where Magical Evil Dude would be...ah, that guy Harry Potter! Everything around here revolves around him in some way..." Stoned headed off to Gryffindor and waited for Potter to come out. Eventually, he saw Potter and his friends come out of the building.
"TELL...ME..EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT MAGICAL EVIL DUDE...PRONTO..." Stoned said.
"What is your problem? Do you expect him to know all of this immediately? It's some hard stuff!" Hermione replied.
"No, that's all right. Let me guess, the graffiti?" Harry asked.
"I guess...."
"Well, Voldemort's a bad mofo. He killed my parents, he gave me this cool scar..." Harry pulled his hair back."...And apparently he's on the warpath again."
"Well, what's he look like?"
"You know, basically vapor-esque, big red eyes...Ooh, is that an inhaler? I lost mine, and I'm feeling a little winded..." Harry took Stoned's trusty bong and took a huge hit off of it. "Whoa...that actually works..*cough*..."
"What did you find out today? Any leads?" Dumbledore asked.
"Well, I did see Harry Potter coming out of class today with huge red-eye, man..." Stoned replied.
"DEAR GOD, PLEASE SAY YOU'RE LYING!" Dumbledore replied. "It can't be him...no, it just can't..."
"Well, what has that kid done here, anyway? Couldn't he be...Magical Evil Dude?"
"Well, he's...helped us uncover a scheme for Voldemort...he's cleared a few people's names at Azkaban...he was the school's Triwizard champ last year..."
"Oh, could I get a lead on that?" Stoned asked.
"Well, just go to your House's head. You'll be fine..." Dumbledore shooed Stoned out and closed his office.
"Hmmm...my House..."
"Professor Sprout?"
"Robby! What's been going on? Did you get the 'seedlings' I left at your dorm?" Professor Sprout replied.
"Well, yeah...What's all that about a Triwizard Tournament?" Stoned asked.
"You didn't remember?"
"Well, the memory loss...why am I here?"
"Basically, we had this one tournament last year. Two of our students were in it...Cedric from our house did well...tied to win it...It's hard to remember..."
"What happened?"
"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named...killed him..." Sprout started to break down.
"This might be helpful. He might be on campus now. Who else was in the tournament?"
"Well, we had two representatives...Cedric and...oh yeah, Harry Potter...they tied, I believe..."
"So, what was the problem there? I mean, there's nothing that could point me into knowing where Voldemort is, right?" Harry was asking his friends.
"DON'T TRY TO PLAY DUMB, I'M ON TO YOU! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!" Stoned yelled about.
"What's eating him?" Harry asked.
"I don't know. I should check. Probably on one of his sprees...my brothers always told me he likes to grow illegal stuff in Herbology, use it, and yell how he is the Lizard King..." Ron replied as he walked over to Stoned. "What do you want?"
"Ah, you're one of his friends, right? You can give me some dirt...what went on last year between Harry and Cedric?"
"Um, I wouldn't know. They were...in the Tournament together..." Ron replied.
"Anything else? I'm close, I know it..."
"Well, they helped each other out, really were buddy-buddy during most of it...then around December...bam, he hated the guy..."
"Whoa...this isn't good..."
"Yeah, apparently Harry asked out this one chick over in Ravenclaw, but she went with Cedric instead...you know how being spurned can make a guy all...cuckoo and stuff..." Ron replied.
"THANK YOU!" Stoned replied as he ran off. "Let's see...they have the names of all of these chosen people in records...I'll just get them from Dumbledore... The only question is where to find the female in question...where would a person who's had their first boyfriend killed by an psychotic Dark wizard, then had their body returned by a person who may or may not be said Dark wizard flock to once school got back in session...YES! Only one place..."
Stoned quickly went back to his dorm and had to change. "Let's see...If I'm going to be trusted by these people, I need to look the part..." He quickly put on his jet-black robe, went into the first-years' dormitory, 'borrowed' some of the girls' lipstick and eyeliner, and headed out. "Perfect, the master of disguise awaits his subjects...
After a short search, Stoned found his quarry. "Ah...we have another entrant into our dark carnival...What is your sad story...young sojourner?" one of the females asked.
"I am...Radu, the Story-Keeper...of Darkness..." Stoned replied.
"WELCOME, RADU..."
"I search for the bringing of the Dark One to his just reward. In order for me to handle this, I look for those with a story for me to record so I may eventually go to him and destroy the Dark Lord as is my destiny...Is there any among us who have had...death touch someone close to them?" All of the other people raised their hands. "Death that touched someone close...recently? Like...Last year, during the Triwizard Tournament finals?" One hand remained raised. "Ah, perfect..."Stoned looked at his paper. "...Cho, is it? I know all about your tales in my endless book...OF DARKNESS..."
"CHO IS DEAD! I AM AZARITH, PRINCESS OF SORROW! I USE MY CABLE MODEM TO DOWNLOAD DRAGON BALL Z MOVIES!" Cho screamed.
"Ah, yes...Could you tell me a little about Cedric? I am researching something..."
"He...was involved with me...Apparently, I get attached, then he is taken away...Why is this supposed to happen to me? Who in this universe would allow one person to handle all of this pain?"
"I see...Did anyone else show any interest in you...?"
"Just one...Harry Potter..."
"I see....Thank you for your time...I will hopefully see you when all of us are not so blatantly being tortured by some dark, unfeeling God until Satan finally takes pity on us and sends us to be tortured covertly in Hell..." Stoned ran off. "Quickly, get the Goth germs off of me...get the Goth germs off of me..." Without looking, he ran straight into Draco Malfoy.
"WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?" Draco shouted.
"I was trying to...oh, hell, what can you tell me about Harry Potter?" Stoned asked.
"Yes, Harry Potter...Well, he has a Lot of experience with Voldemort...Anytime he comes around, Voldemort follows...He can talk to snakes...we all know that just MAKES you evil...He 'just so happened' to be able to shake off a Death curse...makes you think...Oh, and he's never out of the company of that Ron Weasley guy...go to the same classes...same dormitory...the only time they're not together is when they have some sort of 'spat', if you will...he's apparently most important to Potter...I overheard some noises in Gryffindor a couple weeks back consisting of them having Buttsex..." Draco kept going on and on until Stoned finally replied "Thanks, I've heard enough. I've got my case..."
"I have your culprit, Professor Dumbledore...I know who Voldemort is here..." Stoned replied.
"Great work, Rob! Just have them called in..."
"Yes, page Harry Potter into Dumbledore's office..." Stoned replied.
"You're not...serious, are you?" Dumbledore asked.
"You'll see..." Harry walked in. "What did you want, Professor...Oh. YOU. What is it now?"
"Well, Harry, as you may have seen, there's some proof of Voldemort lying in Hogwarts right now. The facts on you are astounding...You 'survived' his death curse as a baby, something NO one could do...unless they were Voldemort...You've been seen on campus with red eyes like Lord Voldemort's...You were the last person to be with Cedric Diggory, a person who is documented to have been killed by Lord Voldemort, while he was still alive, and there is proof that you fancied his girlfriend..."
"Um...Where did you get THAT crazy idea from? Is someone trying to blackmail me or something? I DON'T EVEN LIKE BRIAN MCKNIGHT!" Harry replied.
"Yes...anyway...we have proof that you can speak Parseltongue, which only Dark Wizards can do....According to one of my sources, you were caught, in the student's words, 'having buttsex' with another student in your dorm..."
"Um, that was...some other wizard...who happened to be named Harry..."
"Yes, well anyway...After all of this stuff, I think I can safely say that the actual Voldemort...is you, Old Man Dithers, head of the haunted amusement park!"
"What? I just got here!" Old man Dithers replied.
"Don't play dumb with us, you're Voldemort! Just show it!" Suddenly, Old Man Dithers took off his disguise to reveal that he was in fact Voldemort.
"YOU'VE WON THIS ROUND, SORCERER STONED, BUT I WILL GET MY REVENGE ON ALL OF YOU..." Suddenly, Harry bitch-slapped Voldemort. "Ow! That hurt!"
"Get out of here. Rob, you've done a service to the school. What can we do to repay you?"
"Um, you could get it legalized..."
"You've got it, Rob. You've got it." Dumbledore, Harry, and Stoned laughed. "Why are we laughing?" Harry asked.
"Aren't we supposed to?" Dumbledore replied.