A birthday gift for my dear Natalie, the most awesome roleplayer ever 3
I've been working on this for several weeks and I'm proud to have, for once, actually finished story. It wouldn't been as good without my beta, Munken, though. She's fucking amazing.
And regarding the other story I'm writing, which I haven't updated in months; I will continue it, but I've deleted the two chapters because I am going to rewrite the whole story.
Anyway, listen to watch?v=HPim7E63FQo and watch?v=svFRvy-DAMQ while reading this; that's where my inspiration came from.
Pairing/Characters: Prussia/Germany
Summary: Gilbert and Ludwig grew up together in an orphanage. They thought they would stay together as long as they lived, but that dream was shattered when Ludwig was adopted. Will they ever find their ways back to each other, or are they not meant to be?
Rating: K
Warnings: AU, human names used
Gilbert was five when he sneaked out through the front door one particularly mild March morning and almost stumbled over a small bundle left by the doorstep. He picked it up and the narrow opening between thin layers of fabric revealed a sleeping baby with locks like the purest of gold.
Gilbert thought it was the most adorable sight he'd ever seen and immediately he ran to the house lady's office and pleaded to let him keep the baby.
That morning the orphanage increased by yet another child, and Gilbert was glad take responsibility for keeping an extra eye on the boy.
It had been a rainy week and the children were to stay inside, attending their lessons taught by a strict old lady. Naturally, a restless spirit like Gilbert just couldn't sit still and he had caused trouble enough to be sent to his room without dinner.
Angrily, the pale boy had kicked the bed frame because of this unfair treatment, and he let out a whimper when his foot hit the metal, before he sank down on the bed. He curled up and held himself, closing his crimson eyes. He shared a room with the young boy with golden locks, Ludwig, and Gilbert found comfort in burying his nose in the other boy's pillow, inhaling the scent that had grown to familiar to him.
Like family. Almost like family.
When Ludwig entered the room hours later, after dinner, he found Gilbert in the same state, sleeping.
Loneliness was a sickness they all shared and despite his young age, or perhaps
just because of it, Ludwig knew when the older boy was in need of compassion and warmth.
The two orphans slept cuddled up together that night and many nights to follow, Gilbert unusually still in his sleep, his arms remaining protectively around the younger, Ludwig clutching his hand in Gilbert's.
Gilbert wasn't sure when he started harbouring those feelings towards the boy he had found on the doorstep several years ago, the boy he had grown up with, the boy who meant the world to him.
He only knew that when he realised it, he was too lost in the emotion to get rid if it. So he surrendered to it and he knew then and there that he would never love any other person than Ludwig.
He was eleven and Ludwig was nine when they shared the first kiss. It was merely a brush by their lips, a soft recognition of returned feelings and a quiet saying from Ludwig's side; I'm not angry with you.
They stood under the cover of the woodshed, the down pouring rain deafening them. Gilbert had caused mischief again and this time he had happened to involve the blond boy, because it was just so much funnier. He was the only one who thought that, however, and if he hadn't been quick enough when he tugged Ludwig along through the rain they would both have been scolded and deprived their dinner. Now they were only deprived of their dinner.
Actually, he had of course just made it worse, and both boys knew that, but neither mentioned it.
Gilbert felt guilty as they stood there, tightly with their bodies tightly pressed together, trying to shelter from the downpour. He felt guilty because the worried and anxious expression in the younger's features was so sincere and he was so scared of being scolded. Unlike Gilbert, it wasn't a part of his daily life.
So Gilbert had given in again and leaned in and softly, ever so softly brushed his lips against Ludwig's, whose cerulean eyes widened, but then turned to smile, orbs glistening like a sunlit sea. The blond boy nudged their noses gently and then sat down upon the piles of logs.
The rest of the evening passed as they sat there together, waiting for the rain to cease.
Some time along the minutes and hours, their hands found each other and their fingers entwined.
The whisperings started one evening in late November when they were reading from the Bible before bedtime and the nun spoke about sins and temptations, about how the devil would try to ensnare then and mislead them, when one of the younger children raised her hand and voiced a question when given permission to speak.
The little brunette asked curiously, wide-eyed and startled, if Gilbert was the devil because he had the devil's eyes and his skin was pale as death. Because his appearance scared her and he had tricked her.
The other orphans seemed just as interested in the answer as the girl, but were all relieved they hadn't been the ones to voice the wondering they shared.
The nun hadn't looked surprised, as if she had been expecting a question like that to arise sooner or later.
Calmly, she explained to the curious children that Gilbert was no more devil than any of them, even if a bit more mischievous than the rest. She told them that he was an albino, and that albinos were born without pigments, therefore, their eyes were reddish and their skin so pale. The kind nun aimed a small reassuring smile towards the subject of the discussion before continuing with telling them, with a good intention, that Gilbert was simply born with special features that made him look different, but on the inside he was just the same.
Gilbert wished she hadn't, because the word special somehow suddenly sounded wrong, twisted, like he was some kind of freak.
The old woman then went back to lecturing about the previous matter, teaching them about right and wrong, about good and evil, but Gilbert had stopped listening. He felt the other orphans' eyes burning him with their gazes, because suddenly he was the center of the quiet and observant attention, not the nun talking by the small altar. The nun might have tried to still their interest in the matter, but it had just been given the spark it needed to burst into a fire.
The following days, slowly turning into weeks, the orphans began to avoid Gilbert, because he was special and it scared them.
If it hadn't been for Ludwig, he would have ran away from the orphanage. The blond boy never even once considered that Gilbert would be a spawn of the devil, for how could he mistrust the only person who loved him more than himself?
Instead of taking distance from the albino, Ludwig grew closer to the outcast boy and protected him from the harsh whispers and glances. Not that Gilbert couldn't take care of himself; he was in fact very excellent at giving a snide comeback whenever a mean word was thrown at him, and he was as cunning as he was mischievous.
But without Ludwig, he would have been all alone. Left all on his own and maybe that would have broken him more than anything, because his deepest fear was to face the world in loneliness, and no sarcastic comment could save him from that abyss.
Ludwig could.
Their second kiss and third kiss took place a week before Ludwig's eleventh birthday.
Word about an abandoned sawmill had been going around; a rumor about a haunted building just in the outskirts of the village, and of course the bravest and most curious orphans in the town's orphanage could not possibly resist the temptation of sneaking out one late night in September.
No matter if the rumor was true or not, they wanted the thrill and the excitement of the forbidden adventure.
Gilbert was one of those orphans, and he had, with a great deal persuasion and even more begging, dragged Ludwig along. The blond boy, who was known for behaving and obeying the elders, had only agreed because he felt forced to prove to Gilbert that he wasn't scared of some nonexistent ghosts and because someone had to keep an eye on the eccentric albino. It wasn't by any means that he was in all honesty just as excited by sneaking out and breaking several rules on the way as Gilbert was.
He was above that.
Once they had reached the sawmill, standing tall and gapingly empty in the moonlight, none if them felt very brave or eager anymore. Ludwig held Gilbert's hand tight in his, his features stiff. He might not believe in ghosts, but he had to admit the building gave him the chills. Most of all, he regretted giving in to Gilbert's pleads. The thought of his bed was irresistibly tempting and this was just stupid and they should really go home now, before anyone noticed their absence.Ludwig turned to tell Gilbert this.
That was when he noticed the wide and curious grin spread over the albino's ghostly pale face and knew that there was no way he would be allowed to go home. Swallowing, he followed when Gilbert urged further in, his mind chanting that this wasn't a good idea.
The three other children decided to take left, while Gilbert wanted to prove himself braver and therefore took to the right, Ludwig following close after. It turned out that bravery was far from the true motive to his actions, for he pulled the blond boy up against the wall as soon as they had come out of sight for the others.
It was then and there Ludwig's second kiss got stolen by the boy with crimson, oh so captivating eyes, by lips crooked in a smug smirk.
The moment ended abrupt as a scream echoed through the walls and corridors and the two boys tore away from each other. Their eyes were wide and shocked, staring in the direction of the sound. They heard more screams, now coming from outside. Frightened, both stumbled to the closest window, barely catching a glimpse of the other children as they ran from the sawmill, like the devil himself was at their heels.
Ludwig swallowed thickly and glanced at Gilbert in the corner of his eyes, noticing that the crimson eyes gazed back. Their hands found each other and no words were needed when they quickly started making their way towards the exit.
That was when they heard it.
Footsteps.
Slithering footsteps headed in their direction.
Whether it was a human or ghost, they did not wish to be found by it and they ran. Like the scared children they were they ran and didn't slow down or stop until they were safe within the orphanage's walls.
Gilbert almost burst out laughing from the adrenaline rush and thrill, but Ludwig suddenly froze and his hand became stiff in Gilbert's. The albino looked up and the grin was instantly washed from his face when he saw the house lady on the top of the staircase. He swallowed hard.
The coming half hour was the worst and longest Ludwig had ever been through. He knew it was half an hour because he cast quick glances at the grandfather clock in the office when he dared to look up from his feet, his face burning from the immense guilt and shame. Even Gilbert seemed to shrink a few sizes upon facing the house lady's wrath.
After her speech, the old woman sent them to bed with a promise of detention and punishment the following day.
Both the boys kept silent as they brushed their teeth and changed to pyjamas. Ludwig dreaded the morning too much to speak, and Gilbert for once couldn't find any words. It wasn't until they had crawled down under their blankets and had made failed attempts to fall asleep that the silence was broken.
It was Gilbert who spoke, words meant as a joke. Sometimes he made the worst kinds of jokes.
"Let's sneak out tomorrow night, too", he murmured, grin returning to his pale, thin lips.
Ludwig slapped his head lightly.
A moment passed when their eyes locked and blue orbs glared at red ones, which glared back equally annoyed. Then Ludwig leaned over and kissed Gilbert good night, before turning on his side, back towards the other. Gilbert's features softened and he smiled, his eyes wandered fondly over the blond boy's body, finding comfort in the sight.
Somehow life seemed so much better with Ludwig by his side.
Gilbert should have known what was going to happen when he saw the new, expensive car on the parking lot as he gazed out through the window a Saturday morning in January.
He should've known when the house lady called Ludwig to her office directly after breakfast.
He really should have known, because he had witnessed it happening several times before, with several orphans before Ludwig, but he didn't want to know, didn't want it to be real.
Gilbert felt cold inside when he, before lunch, hurried to his room and found the blond boy packing his belongings in a small bag. Ludwig turned upon hearing the foot steps behind him and a moment later his arms were full of Gilbert, clinging to him as if it was the end of the world.
In a way, it was.
A cloudy Wednesday, weeks ago, the couple came there the first time. They talked to the house lady first, and then she called in some of the children, one by one. Everybody knew what this meant, and everybody hoped, wished, prayed they would be the lucky one. Gilbert prayed he wouldn't be the one to be adopted.
A family meant a home, but also to leave the orphanage. And leaving the orphanage meant leaving Ludwig, which was unthinkable.
Gilbert wasn't called in, and he knew why. He was a trouble child, special, and the couples didn't seem to like special, because he never got chosen.
But the couple had taken liking in Ludwig, the albino found out later. After they had brushed their teeth and gone to be for the night, the blond boy looked at Gilbert with those vulnerable, uncertain eyes that just made him want to hold him close and swear and promise that the world would start turning in their direction, in their favour, Ludwig told him that the couple had said they adored him completely and that sole sentence made Gilbert's stomach churn. He wanted to run and tell the couple that they couldn't have Ludwig, that Ludwig was his and they couldn't take him away.
He didn't.
Instead, he entangled their fingers and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. Said that it probably meant nothing, that the couple had many children to choose between, that he and Ludwig would stay together anyway. That no one could tear them apart.
Ludwig smiled, nodded and closed his eyes. He fell asleep almost immediately.
That night Gilbert stayed up and prayed to a God he had never heard from before. Prayed that he could keep Ludwig.
That night and every night the coming weeks he prayed, but God never listened to his desperate begging.
He clung to the blond teenager, wishing his prayers somehow had been heard and this was a stupid, stupid, mean jokeand Ludwig would go nowhere and Gilbert wouldn't be left alone.
He begged Ludwig to stay, pleaded him not to leave, please, Luddy, please please please please don't leave me alone here.
It was selfish, because he knew Ludwig always had wished for a family, but Gilbert was so scared, so, so scared of losing the only one he had. It was selfish, for there was nothing Ludwig could do, even if he wanted to. It was selfish because he was denying Ludwig the only chance to get a proper life.
He didn't care. He could live with being selfish, but he couldn't life without Ludwig.
The blond boy cupped the older boy's face in his palms, eyes sad and almost begging. He tilted Gilbert's head upwards and pressed their lips together.
"I love you", came his soft voice when they parted, noses nudging.
Gilbert swallowed thickly, eyes tearing up. Why did Ludwig have to leave just when everything could be so perfect? He buried his face in the taller boy's shoulder and silently wished he could pause time.
"I love you too."
"I'll come and find you, I swear."
Far too soon came a knock at the door and Ludwig released Gilbert, turning to his bag again and neatly folded the last shirt, back against the door which opened a moment later, and in came the house lady. Gilbert hugged himself tightly, staring at the boy he loved, not knowing when, if ever, he would see him again.
The house lady said it was time to leave and that his new family was waiting for him. Ludwig's face had become a stiff mask, emotions hidden behind a solid wall of resolution. Gilbert hated that cold expression, hated them for making his Ludwig wear it. No one other than the albino himself could make Ludwig let go of his defences.
If the house lady saw Gilbert, she ignored him.
But when they left, and Gilbert suddenly flung out and grabbed Ludwig's arm, pulling him back and begging him to stay, refusing to let him go, the old woman tore him away and held his shoulder firmly.
Let him go, she said, and Gilbert didn't know if she meant his arm or his heart.
She locked the door when they left, locked Gilbert inside the room. His eyes met Ludwig's blue orbs just a brief second before the door shut and he wanted to cry out in powerlessness, cry out for his Ludwig.
From the window, Gilbert could see the hateful couple who were stealing Ludwig away from him, and he saw Ludwig, gazing up at their window and mouthing something Gilbert couldn't interpret, before he got into the car and it left the parking lot. Left the orphanage, left Gilbert, left the city.
Drove out of his life without a care in the world.
That night Gilbert cried for a boy with golden hair and eyes like the sea. Cried Ludwig, Luddy, Luddy, oh Luddy, come back to me, please, Ludwig.
He never came back.
It was lonely. Always, always so lonely since Ludwig left. Days melted together and Gilbert barely noticed any difference of the days turning into weeks, and it was just so lonely and every night he wished Ludwig was there and held him warm. But he was alone. Always, he woke up alone.
There was a big empty hole in his chest and it didn't ease the pain or make him feel better to hang out with the other teens, because he had never liked them, they had never liked him and it just made him feel lonelier than ever before.
Sometimes he wondered what Ludwig was doing, if he was happy, if he had made friends or if he was just as lonely as the albino.
Most of all he wondered if Ludwig thought as much about him as he thought about Ludwig.
However, no matter how much Gilbert wanted to turn back time, life unrelentingly went on and he followed, day by day, month by month, and he got a hold of himself and he no longer woke up crying for the blond boy.
On his eighteenth birthday he left the orphanage with a backpack of belongings and a purse with money, determined to find Ludwig, no matter how far he would have to travel or how long it would take.
If it hadn't been for his absolutely awesome charisma, Gilbert wasn't sure how far he would've gotten in this harsh world, because he had been broke merely a few months after he left the orphanage. He had taken a few jobs here and there, but if he couldn't afford searching for Ludwig, then he needed to change tactics.
When it came to the point where he slept on the streets ever so often, he figured he needed to change lifestyle completely.
That was when his path crossed Francis', and in more than one way, the Frenchman saved the situation. Francis had money and had experience with all kinds of people, knew how to manipulate his way to success and was charismatic. The only thing he was missing was someone to rely on, a close friend, and somehow Gilbert came to be that person.
Their friendship started out a Friday.
Gilbert had sneaked into a vernissage since he had read on the poster that there would be free snacks and drinks, and he was so hungry he could eat a horse. It wasn't much, and it only made him hungrier than before, but at least it was something.
He hated stealing, even if it was for surviving. It made him feel like a filthy thief and he was not a criminal. Whatever it took, he stayed away from anything that could get him put behind bars because he was certain that jail was not a place where he would find Ludwig.
The evening arrived and with it clouds that covered the blue sky. It would be an awful night, Gilbert knew.
He curled up in the alley beside the vernissage building and tried to think happy thoughts. Tried to stay positive; that he would find Ludwig and that they would have a happy future together.
But truth was, his spirit was beginning to falter and he felt so alone, so completely alone in the whole world.
God knew where Ludwig was. Maybe he would never find him. Maybe he would go his whole life and wonder what happened to the blond boy he loved so much. Wonder if he got married and had kids, if he ever thought about the albino, if he was happy or if he was spending his days in misery.
"Are you going to sit here all night?", came a slightly raspy voice from above him and he was jerked from his depressing trail of thoughts.
In front of him stood a blond man Gilbert was sure he had seen at the exhibition, eyeing him curiously. Gilbert had a vague guess that he was the painter but for all he knew he just as well be the janitor.
"No, I was planning on laying down soon", the albino said sarcastically. The blond's lips wrinkled in a smile.
"I'm pretty sure my couch is more comfortable than the street."
There was a pause, where Gilbert first gawked at him in surprise, then a grin grew on his features when the blond offered him his hand and pulled him up.
"Cool."
The blond man chuckled and gestured to Gilbert to follow, which he gladly complied.
"I'm Francis Bonnefoy, by the way." They turned left and Francis waved for a taxi to pick them up.
"Gilbert", the albino replied.
"Only Gilbert?"
"Yeah... Only Gilbert."
Francis smiled, nodded and held up the door for his new acquaintance. He didn't ask any more questions regarding Gilbert's name.
They sat quiet during the rest of the drive, Gilbert staring out through the window. It wasn't many times he had been in a car.
Ten minutes later the cab stopped outside a large house.
"So, Gil -it's alright if I call you Gil, oui?- are you an albino for real?" the blond asked, interested, after he had paid the driver.
The question made Gilbert shoot a suspicious glance at the man, but he nodded and his grimace turned into a wide grin when Francis' eyes shone up and he exclaimed that it was so damn cool!.
All longing and painful thoughts about Ludwig was gone for the evening and Gilbert hadn't had so much fun in a long time.
When they went to bed, Francis to his bedroom and Gilbert to the couch, Francis grabbed Gilbert's arm and said that he hoped he didn't mind staying a while, because the blond would love to paint a portrait of his extraordinary gorgeous face, as he expressed it.
Somehow, life suddenly felt almost alright again.
Several years had passed since he left the orphanage, and Gilbert had turned twenty two about month ago. Winter was slowly changing into spring but the snow lay still, like a thick, bright blanket over the ground. Gilbert had always loved winter. The dark was lit up by snow and it was pure and cold and so beautiful.
(Ludwig had once said snow reminded him of the albino, and before that he had mentioned that snow was probably the most beautiful sight he had seen. The memory still made Gilbert smile and feel a sting of pain.)
From the window where he sat, he could see the street below, the people passing by in haste, unaware of being watched. He wondered if Ludwig was one of them, if he too was rushing to catch a train or wanting to shelter from the cold or maybe-
Gilbert sighed. Again and again he wondered the same thing, where is Ludwig? and does he miss me?.
He never got an answer.
Feeling down, crestfallen, the albino closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the cold glass. This day was just one of the days when it felt impossible. Ludwig could be on the other side of the earth, just as well as in the neighbouring town. Would he ever know?
He needed to get out. Out and away for a while, maybe hours, maybe days.
Francis wouldn't question. He never did, just smiled when the albino returned, ruffled his platinum blond hair and said "welcome home, Gil". Somehow he understood and Gilbert liked that about him.
Francis accepted him.
It took only a few minutes before the albino had dressed himself properly and was strolling down the winter street. He felt himself relax in the cold, relieving air.
It was already staring to darken outside, despite the early afternoon. The sky was coloured in countless shades of grey but the air was fresh and clear, and he felt more comfortable in the cold than inside. The chill made it easier to concentrate and clear his mind.
Gilbert entertained himself with breathing puffs of hot steam as he walked and he inhaled, exhaled, walked on, past people and stores, without any actual goal. He quietly whistled a tune, allowing his feet to lead, scooting his way through the snow.
Light snowflakes had begun to slowly fall from they grey sky, joining the blanket of snow on the ground. The albino didn't notice it until he stopped by the popular playground in the park. Women and men were there with their small ones, all looking like chubby baby bears in their thick clothes, rolling and running in the snow, making snow angels and building snowmen. A group of slightly older, ambitious children were working on two snow forts outside the playground; preparing and arming themselves for the coming war.
Gilbert could hear the laughs from where he stood.
The endearing sight brought a sudden longing in his chest to life and he remembered the times when he had been playing in the snow with Ludwig, when they were children and had no care in the world. He missed his Ludwig so much it hurt, he would do anything, anything, to just catch a glimpse of the man once again, just so he could be reassured he was alright.
A sigh left his pale lips, another puff of steam disappearing into the air.
One day.
One day he would find Ludwig and he would never let him go again. He couldn't lose him twice.
Gilbert turned his gaze from the children at the playground, ruby eyes darting over the park. There was a bridge about twenty meters away, and a small frozen lake underneath it, with kids skiing on the ice, parents telling them to be careful.
The ice probably was thick and safe, Gilbert knew, because it had been freezing cold for weeks, but it wasn't his duty to raise someone else's children.
Further down the road he was walking upon was a groove and behind it a small cafe that always was cramped during the summers. The winter season didn't bring fewer costumers, however. People sheltering form the cold or taking a rest from a walk found their oasis there.
Hugging himself and emitting another sigh, the albino returned to watching the children play. There was something calming, soothing in the sight.
Gilbert didn't know how long he had stood there when he noticed two men walking down the lane. He watched them for a moment, but they weren't very interesting, so he returned his gaze to the playground.
The children hid in the forts and threw snowballs at each other, laughing and screaming.
It wasn't until the men came closer that the albino cared to give them a second look. Both were tall, dressed neatly and respectable, one with a white scarf, a long jacket and a briefcase in one hand, the other had a short coat, black gloves and a light blue scarf tucked into his coat. Gilbert would have paid them no more attention, if it wasn't for a sudden sting in his chest.
He didn't know why, but he was completely captivated by the second man, with his combed back blond hair, clear, bright blue eyes, his strong and straight posture as he walked. He was very attractive, Gilbert had to admit, and he eyed the two men as they passed, longing filling his whole body.
Ludwig. He wanted Ludwig.
One and a half hour more passed before Gilbert headed home, now freezing. It was since long dark outside, but he easily found his way back. He had walked this road countless times before since they moved there.
They were eating dinner when the realisation hit him.
"Ludwig!" Gilbert suddenly exclaimed, eyes wide and shocked, and jumped up from the chair. Francis gave him a surprised look.
"What?" he asked, curiosity written all over his face. The albino was already half-way to the hall.
"I saw Ludwig! Today!" He felt so awful; how could he have failed to recognize him?! The thought of forgetting Ludwig's face felt like getting a bucket of cold water over him. Had he really forgotten what his sweet Luddy looked like? Had it really been that long? It would have brought tears to his eyes, if he hadn't been so high on the realization of Ludwig being in town. Of actually knowing where Ludwig was.
"I saw him in the park and I didn't recognize him!" he scolded himself and threw on his winter coat and boots, when the Frenchman joined him, eyes shining with excitement yet seriousness, because sometime over the years he had been infected with Gilbert's obsession of finding the blond boy he had lost, and he wanted nothing more than reuniting the two men. It would be such a perfect fairy tale, Francis often thought, and he was a sucker for bittersweet romance.
"I'll come with you. We might have a better chance to find him if we're two."
Gilbert nodded and they hurried out into dark evening, searching the streets, scanning the park, the cafées and the stores, for the lost golden young man, but by the time it was midnight they still hadn't seen a trace of Ludwig and they had to accept defeat and head home.
Exhausted and crestfallen they entered the house, disappointed, and Gilbert was on the verge of tears.
He had been so close.
So, so close to Ludwig and he hadn't recognized him. Ludwig had walked a few meters away from him and still Gilbert hadn't recognized him.
Why hadn't he recognized him?! Then they would've been together now, and it would have been Ludwig's arms around him now, not Francis' comforting embrace, and it would have been Ludwig who lead him to bed, tucked him in and cuddled up tightly to him, not Francis' hand stroking his hair and Francis' soft voice whispering comforting words.
It would've been tears of joy steaming down his face, it would've been laughter and smiles.
His world felt more empty than ever before.
Miles away, on an airplane just about to lift, a blond young adult found himself thinking of his long lost love, the crimson eyes suddenly appearing when he closed his eyes for a little bit of rest. Ludwig hadn't thought about Gilbert for a long time, had buried himself in work and neglected the longing.
But now, the untended emotions welled up inside him, stinging painfully.
He took a deep breath, like he always did when he needed to regain focus and let the pain go. It didn't help. His chest still ached with longing and despite himself, he felt his eyes water.
How long had it been since he saw Gilbert last time? Five, six years? Far too long. He missed the feeling of falling asleep with the safe sound of the albino's slow breathing beside him, with his pale, thin arms wrapped around him. Missed his mischief and laughter, the way he always so fondly laid his eyes upon the younger boy.
But Ludwig was no longer a boy, neither was Gilbert, and those sweet childhood memories were vague, fading, like old photographs; they had become unclear. It had been so long since he was fourteen, since was adopted and moved from the orphanage. Six long years since he saw Gilbert crying and begging him to stay.
Those times he allowed his thoughts to drift away, to his time together with Gilbert, he was filled with such intense, immense longing that he wanted to curl up and wait for the albino to come and comfort him.
He never gave in to the feelings, and he knew Gilbert wouldn't have come even if he did.
More than anything he wanted to see the boy he had always loved, wanted to meet him and make sure he was doing fine. He really hoped he was, because he hated the thought of Gilbert being sad.
Four more years would pass before they met again.
It was by a pure mistake that Ludwig ended up in a bar together with his colleagues an evening in June, because he had a pile of work waiting on his desk and the last thing he had planned for the evening was to waste it.
But it was a mistake he never even once regretted for the rest of his life.
It was midnight and the blond man was growing tired of listening to his coworkers ranting and joking. Most of them had already had a few drinks too much, and they were becoming loud and annoying. He had never been a person to enjoy social events and this was no exception.
Sure, Ludwig did enjoy a cold glass of beer every now and then, but he wasn't fond of getting drunk. The only time he had was a time he was glad he barely remembered.
Many times that evening he wished to leave, and several times afterwards he would look back on that night and be glad he didn't.
When his colleagues loudly declared that they were going to have a drinking contest, Ludwig shut them out and let his thoughts float. It occurred more and more often that he his thoughts floated to Gilbert. The others at work were older than him, and most of them were either married or engaged or at least had a relationship and whenever they talked about their partners, Ludwig longed for the albino more than ever.
He hadn't told anyone about Gilbert, hadn't found anyone to confide in, and the pale man he loved had remained a secret from the world. It wasn't like the blond was ashamed of his preferences, he just... Never found it very necessary to mix his social life with his work.
Ludwig sighed at his thoughts, this was only making him depressed. Everything reminded him of Gilbert, and he missed him terribly.
Determined to find distraction, he glanced around in the bar, which wasn't very crowded despite it being late Saturday. A group of teenagers, maybe 18, 19, he couldn't tell, sat by a table a few meters away to his right, seeming to have the time of their lives. To his left was a few elderly men, sipping on their drinks in silence. A few more people were spread out in the bar, but they minded their own business.
It was unusually quiet and calm. He wasn't one to complain about it, though. He liked it better this way.
Crammed places always made him claustrophobic.
"... because Gilbert, the cashier, was soooo charming. I pretended to consider buying another cat just to talk to him longer."
Ludwig snapped out of his thoughts as the teenagers' conversation reached his ears, and suddenly he was on the edge, listening closely. It probably wasn't his Gilbert, but the mere mentioning of the name made him react.
"Oh come on, what's so special about him?"
"You're just jealous."
"Of him? As if-"
"Anyway, is he like, an albino, or does he wear lenses?"
"Lizzie told me he is..-"
That was all Ludwig needed to hear to quickly rise to his feet and make his way to the table where the young adults sat, two women and three men.
It was too much of a coincidence to be ignored, and if they talked about who he thought, then...
"Excuse me", he interrupted their conversation after clearing his throat.
Ten eyes turned to him, all slightly dim and foggy from alcohol. He decided it was best to go straight to the point.
"This man you are talking about, where can I find him?"
One of the girls, the brunette, giggled; "why do you need to find him, when you could join us here, handsome?"
The boy with a mohawk didn't seem to approve of the proposal and possessive put an arm around the brunette, the scowl on his lips somewhat threatening.
"Uh.. No thanks", Ludwig said with a frown, a hint of distaste in his voice. He turned to the the other three. "I would really need to see this Gilbert, and you seem to know where to find him."
"The pet shop by the mall. He's working there", said the other girl, a redhead, a sly smile gracing her freckled face. "Why?"
"Thank you", Ludwig smiled gratefully, hope growing in his chest. The first thing he would do in the morning was to seek out the store. "If I'm lucky... I might find my childhood love."
Five surprised and curious teenagers instantly faced him, clearly not expecting the answer. Ludwig thanked them again before walking out of the bar, grabbing his jacket on the way.
He felt light, high, like walking on clouds. It wasn't smart to get his hopes up like this, he knew that from all the times he had been left disappointed, knew that if it turned out to be another Gilbert, a Gilbert that wasn't his, the fall would do more damage and leave his hope crushed.
But although Gilbert might be a quite normal name, surely it must be rare with albino Gilberts, right?
The mere thought of the possibility to see his childhood love again, so soon, made him long more desperately than ever. Maybe this time, he would be the one to have luck.
Ludwig awoke by dawn the following morning. He had always been a person to enjoy early mornings, but this particular one he wished dearly to skip. The store opened at 10am, -he knew, he had checked- but despite the normally patient and calm person he was, he couldn't wait to go there. As every time he thought, hoped, wished, he would find Gilbert, he grew restless and wandered off and on in his hotel room. He couldn't even go down to and eat breakfast, as it didn't open in one and a half hour.
Sighing, he opened his suitcase and changed into his jogging clothes, glad that he had decided to bring them along, despite being on a business trip. A workout session would do him good; it always cleared him mind and made him focus better.
It was chilly outside. Pools of water on the ground spoke of a rainy night, but now the sky was light blue and the sun could still not be seen over the skyscrapers, but Ludwig hadn't gone outside for watching the landscape or the beautiful morning sky. His thoughts were elsewhere.
What should he do if it wasn't his Gilbert, if it was the wrong once again? He would have to deal with yet another defeat, another disappointment, and go home just as lonely as he arrived.
But what if he actually found Gilbert?
His Gilbert.
What should he do then? He was so used to disappointments, that he had no idea how he should react if it turned out to be the real thing.
If he entered the store and saw Gilbert, standing there. Would he even want to see him? Had he even missed him? Did he still harbour those feelings?
Maybe soon, soon he would have his answers.
Ludwig couldn't recall being so nervous, yet so full of resolution, ever in his life. At his first work interview, he hadn't been especially nervous, because he knew what was going to happen and he had prepared for it, practiced for it. He had known what was expected of him. But this... He knew nothing of what was coming, what fate had in store for him.
He wasn't even sure he believed in fate, but he still silently prayed that it would turn in his favour.
The only time he had been really frightened for what was coming was the time when he left the orphanage, left Gilbert, because he had never felt so alone. But this was something else completely; for he had no idea what he was supposed to say or do.
His heart raced in his chest when the store came into his sight and he swallowed thickly as he approached it, feeling his hands grow sweaty. Drying them off on his suit pants, he pushed the door open, a bell tinkled, and he entered.
At first it appeared to be empty, save for the many shelves of pet accessories and nearest him, a shelf with different kinds and brands of dog food. He heard birds chirping from another room, and saw furthest down the path between the shelves; an aquarium with colourful fishes.
Ludwig started looking around, as he hadn't had any errand to a pet shop before, and he couldn't remember being in one. He had considered buying a dog once, but it had only stayed as that; a thought. It would be hard to travel if he had one.
The store was small, cramped and it smelled weird, but in a somewhat nice way. He couldn't see any personnel however, and he was starting to freak out from the nervousness and expectations.
Inhale, exhale.
God, what was he doing? This was crazy. This was insane. He felt so incredible inappropriate, with his suit and god this was stupid and he wouldn't find Gilbert anyway and he should just go back and-
What was that?
A photograph on the reception desk caught his eye and for a moment he lost the simple ability to breathe because there, inside the frame, beside a smiling brunette, sat a young man, smiling just as wide, hugging a dog with a gold medal on its collar.
But that was not what made his heart beat faster than the speed of light.
Gilbert.
The man on the photograph was Gilbert. Older than Ludwig remembered, more mature, but with the same ruby eyes and the same platinum blond hair and the same- the same him.
"Excuse me, sir, would you like some help?"
Ludwig swirled around, feeling like a child being busted doing something he wasn't allowed to.
He instantly scooted the ridiculous emotion away and glanced at the impersonation of the voice that had stirred him from his thoughts.
The same woman as on the photo in his hand, he noted. She smiled politely at him, eyes darting from the frame, to his dumbfounded face.
"Sir?"
Ludwig shook his head, fumbled with replacing the photograph on the desk, then halted, glancing at her.
"Actually, yes..." he started, cleared his throat and tried to form a coherent sentence in his mind.
She gave him an encouraging smile.
"That man, on the photograph, Gilbert, can I speak with him? I mean- is he here?"
Please please please say yes.
"I'm sorry, he's sick today. But I'm sure I could assist you, if you don't mind", the woman said apologetically and stepped in behind the counter, taking a quick glance at something Ludwig couldn't see.
"No I- … I'm not here to buy anything", he quickly explained. "I came here looking for him. They- … I was told I could find him here."
The brunette's eyes narrowed for a brief moment, her brows furrowing, as if thinking hard, then her face shone up and she suddenly looked like it was an early Christmas.
"What's your name, sir?"
"Erm.. Ludwig", he answered, baffled, his face turning into a somewhat curious frown, which only deepened when the woman gasped and seemed tremendously happy, like a child who just received exactly what she wished for on Christmas.
"Ludwig..." she smiled. "I could give you his address, if you'd like."
Her eagerness surprised him, but he didn't want to let the moment slip by asking what she was going about, so he just nodded; "yes please, I'd like that."
She quickly scribbled something down on a note and handed it to him, biting her lip.
Ludwig took it and read its content, silently wondering about the heart below the address, but he was far too grateful to ask.
"Thank you", he said, giving her a smile, and turning to leave.
"Good luck!"
The bell on the door tinkled as he hurried out, calling for a cab.
Inside, the brunette sighed happily and rested against the wall, "Finally, Gil. Finally you'll get him."
It wouldn't been a very outstanding house, if it wasn't for the amazing garden. The house was grey blue-ish, with white corners, not especially original, but the garden. The garden.
It was filled with trees and bushes and flowers in all kinds of colours, decoratively organised. Whoever tended to it, sure had good eye for colour composition, because it was a pleasure for the eye, watching it.
Smoke slowly rose from the chimney, which meant someone had to be home.
Gilbert.
Ludwig made his way over the yard, following the stone path which lead him to the front door. He maybe would have lingered and admired the garden, if it hadn't been for the fact that Gilbert was inside that house.
Nothing else mattered.
Ludwig inhaled deeply, steadying his trembling hands before he reached out and pressed the door bell.
Seconds later it was opened by young, handsome blond, wearing an apron and his long hair tied back in a ponytail. He held a bowl in his hands and looked quite distracted.
"You're early, Arthur, I didn't expect-" he trailed off when he noticed that he wasn't talking to the one he thought he did.
The surprise was short lived, however, as a charming smile cracked up in his face.
"Oh, good day, my best sir", he chirped, "my apologies, I thought you were someone else."
The worst kind of prediction struck Ludwig, as a thought hit him. A thought he didn't want to think, because it hurt too much.
Gilbert had someone else.
Of course.
What had he expected? That it all would turn out in some silly, ridiculous, utterly stupid fairy tale? That Gilbert would wait for him, for ten years?
This man in front of him seemed perfect; of course Gilbert would rather want him.
"Excuse me, was there something you wanted?" the blond man asked, something between confusion and curiosity written in his features.
Even so, Ludwig wanted to see him. Even so, he wanted to see Gilbert again, see the man he had dreamed about, longed for.
"Uhm, yes", he said, sounding strangely out of breath when he spoke. "My name is Ludwig, and.. I'm looking for Gilbert. Is he-"
The was a crash when the bowl dropped to the floor and then running steps into the house, and Ludwig stood in the doorway, gaping, because that was certainly not a reaction he had expected.
"Gilbert, get up! Get up you lazy fucker!"
The loud voice stirred him to life and god he could kill Francis with his bare hands in that moment, because he was having such a nice dream and that french bastard just had to ruin it.
"Up with you! I don't care how sick you are, you're getting up! Now!"
Besides, his voice made his headache return with a horrid intensity.
"What the fuck is your problem, I'm sick you idiot, leave me alone", the albino grunted and covered his head with his pillow.
"Now!"
Really, that guy was begging for death.
Gilbert was just about to tell him exactly that when-
"Ludwig is by the door!"
He jerked up, eyes wide, shocked and then everything blurred into blackness and he groaned, fuck fever, before roughly getting dragged up on his feet.
"Ludwig! You know, your Ludwig!"
As soon as his sight returned, Gilbert stared at his blond friend, not sure whether he was serious or not. Although, the doubt quickly vanished; that look on his face was far too sincere and excited to lie.
Besides, Francis wouldn't lie about that-
Which meant that Ludwig was by the fucking front door oh dear good!
In less than a second Gilbert had wrapped the blanket around him and rushed to the hall. He looked like he'd been to hell and back but who cared?
In the doorway to the hall, he stopped abruptly, because this just couldn't be real, this was far too good, far too- too perfect. Because it really was Ludwig standing there, alive and breathing and this wasn't just another of his dreams where he woke up with this intense, painful longing in his chest. This was- Ludwig.
Their eyes locked and neither said a word, just stared, until Gilbert broke the trance and cried out his name, closing the distance between them and throwing himself into Ludwig's strong, secure arms.
Home.
"I told you I would come and find you again, didn't I?"
He was finally home.