EDWARD: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by Diamond Mask

[v 2.0] Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of an EDWARD ELRIC unit! With this guide, you can learn how to raise and love your very own Fullmetal Alchemist!

EDWARD ELRIC: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

Disclaimer: This authoress does not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of the respective characters. She also does not own the "Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual" series format, which belongs to Theresa Green.

A/N: Man, this was a long time coming, but I finally got it done. I wanted to post it earlier since my guide for Roy Mustang was so well received, but exams got in the way... and so on...

I have read all the reviews posted so far for Roy, and considered some suggestions for further guides. I might do one for Alphonse, and I already have guides planned for Greed and Envy, but I doubt I will for any female characters - I write from both a het and yaoi perspective, and female characters are more awkward. Besides, I love Riza Hawkeye and Izumi, but I doubt I could write guides for them. Sorry to disappoint, but I will probably only write the aforementioned guides of Greed, Alphonse, and Envy.

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CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of an EDWARD ELRIC unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own Fullmetal Alchemist, read the following manual with care as misuse of the EDWARD ELRIC can and will be hazardous to your health.

Technical Specifications

Name: Edward Elric (AKA the Fullmetal Alchemist. Will also respond to "Nii-san", "Ed", "Fullmetal One" and "bean boy").

Age: 16

Place of manufacture: Village of Resembool, Amestris.

Height: No comment.

Weight: Light (for easy storage)

Length: Big surprises come in small packages.

Your EDWARD ELRIC comes with the following accessories:

One Red or Black Jacket

One Pair Black Pants

One Black Vest

One Pair White Gloves

One Automail© Right Arm

One Automail© Left Leg

One State Alchemist Silver Clock©

Removing your EDWARD ELRIC from his box

If you are not in the mood to coddle your unit or do not have the patience to gently coax him out of the box, simply use one of the following methods:

Scream "Nii-san!" at the top of your lungs in a panicky voice and the EDWARD ELRIC should burst out of the box in a dazzling blue light to rescue his younger brother. Following the use of this method, you can expect him to be confused and angry - have the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit on hand to pacify him.

If all else fails and you fancy a more humorous approach, shout "who could possibly be so small that he would be mistaken for a grain of rice?" in the direction of the box. This should get the immediate attention of your EDWARD ELRIC and he should burst out to defend his lack of height.

Programming

Your EDWARD ELRIC will have been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, each designed to maximise your own benefit and pleasure:

Bodyguard: Even though he may be much (much) smaller than you, your EDWARD ELRIC is quite the muscleman for his age. He is fully capable of fighting off any danger with his martial arts and alchemic skills, be it the neighbourhood KIMBLEY trying to turn you into a bomb or a raging Homunculus on the loose.

Alchemist: Who needs a handyman with the EDWARD ELRIC around? Your EDWARD became a State Alchemist at the age of twelve and is quite the little genius. He will easily be able to cope with the most difficult of science assignments and can fix broken appliances in mere seconds!

Survivor: Marooned in the desert? Stranded in the jungle? Lost at sea? Have no fear, the EDWARD ELRIC will be able to transmute enough food, water and shelter for both of you before you can blink an eye. With your Fullmetal Alchemist around, it will feel more like an exotic vacation than a life-threatening crisis!

Spy: As much as he will try to deny it, the EDWARD ELRIC is vertically challenged. Use his height (or lack of) to your advantage by sending him on sneaking missions - have him infiltrate your neighbours houses for fun!

Child-minder: Your EDWARD ELRIC is quite happy to play with young children, be it your own offspring or younger siblings. Equipped with a large variety of Alchemy party tricks, this little unit is prepared to entertain them for hours while you amuse yourself with a ROY MUSTANG.

Your EDWARD ELRIC will come in the following modes:

Reckless

Angry (commonly known as Short Man Syndrome)

Stubborn (default)

Protective

Pissed Off (locked)

Slash (locked)

Out of Character (locked)

Given their height deficiency and Angry modes, EDWARD ELRIC units are prone to violent outbursts and can become extremely hostile if not handled correctly. The unit will shift into Pissed Off mode if left unsupervised with a ROY MUSTANG or Homunculus unit, or if the ALPHONSE ELRIC is threatened.

A Slash mode can easily be activated when the EDWARD ELRIC is in his Out of Character mode. Once activated, avoid unnecessary bloodshed and emotional damage by ensuring that both units are in Slash mode, since the EDWARD ELRIC does not respond well to rejection.

Relations with Other Units

ALPHONSE ELRIC: Believe it or not, this sweet and gentle suit of armour is the little brother of the Fullmetal Alchemist unit. EDWARD ELRIC units usually shift into Protective and Pissed Off modes when the ALPHONSE is in danger, and will even sacrifice themselves to protect their younger brothers. Tie your EDWARD down at night to keep him from running off to defend random ALPHONSE units. Remember to tie him so that he is unable to clap his hands together - ignore whatever he says at this point (even if he begs) because the EDWARD is very good at manipulating people (especially females) with his cuteness.

WINRY ROCKBELL: Besides being his childhood friend and personal automail mechanic, the WINRY is arguably the second closest unit to your EDWARD and will share most of his secrets. She is also the most suitable breeding partner for your EDWARD and together they will gift you with many Elric prodigies, all geniuses in the fields of alchemy and automail.

ROY MUSTANG: The unit responsible for recruiting your EDWARD ELRIC, thus enabling him to become a State Alchemist and "dog of the military". ROY MUSTANG units have a habit of forcing EDWARD ELRIC units into dangerous situations and tend to tease and provoke them until they go berserk. And he always manages to look devastatingly sexy and oh-so-lickable while doing it – which probably pisses off the EDWARD even more. But your Fullmetal Alchemist will develop a grudging respect for him… eventually. Also, do not be surprised if your EDWARD ELRIC frequently expresses a strong desire to punch this unit in the face.

IZUMI CURTIS: This self-proclaimed "housewife" scares the living daylights out of your EDWARD ELRIC but will eventually teach him a lethal combination of martial arts and alchemy. She will also discipline him by unleashing an awesome barrage of punches and kicks, but will eventually stop and hug him. So you can relax and go "Aww…" instead of instructing your SCAR and KIMBLEY to go mental on her ass.

TRISHA ELRIC: EDWARD ELRIC units are very attached to their mothers and love to make them smile with their collection of alchemy tricks. If you have trouble getting your unit to do anything, have a TRISHA gently persuade him to complete any task with little fuss. If the TRISHA ELRIC catches a virus and dies, it is imperative that you replace her as quickly as possible without your EDWARD finding out. Hell, the last thing you want is him losing the other arm and leg!

LIGHT HOHENHEIM: Forget warm and fuzzy feelings (also known as WAFF), EDWARD ELRIC units are more likely to threaten their fathers with violent and bloody death than hug them. Installing the Conquerors of Shambala© upgrade might improve his behaviour, but will result in the permanent loss of his Amestris outfit and alchemic ability. Now do you really want to give that up in exchange for a little WAFF?

Other Unit Relations

SCAR: This Sleepless Avenger makes it his mission to kill all State Alchemists – which is very bad news for your EDWARD. He will sustain heavy physical and emotional damage from all contact (even Slash) with a SCAR. So if you want a happy and healthy EDWARD, keep him far, far away from all SCAR units.

ENVY: Much like the ROY MUSTANG, this androgynous Homunculus will taunt your EDWARD ELRIC mercilessly; but unlike a ROY, the ENVY will also take great pleasure in kicking and stomping his face. But they are half-brothers and might be persuaded to get along in their Out of Character modes. Expect this relationship to range from 'just friends' to 'yaoi'.

SLOTH: The Homunculus born when your silly little alchemist tried to perform human transmutation and resurrect his mother. EDWARD ELRIC units are quick to transmute water cells into alcohol and cause SLOTH units to evaporate – so keep an eye on him in case he decides to sneak a drop. Dealing with a sober EDWARD is troublesome enough without having a drunk unit wreaking havoc.

GREED: This greedy (but smart) Homunculus has a habit of kidnapping ALPHONSE ELRIC units, which might tick off your EDWARD. He will attack any GREED he comes into contact with, even though all GREED units are equipped with the Ultimate Shield© ability and the EDWARD will most likely get his ass whipped.

Cleaning

The EDWARD ELRIC unit is quite independent and will insist on bathing himself once you have shown him how to work the shower. Depending on your own height, you may feel comfortable joining him or feel like a paedophile – if it is the latter, we recommend letting the EDWARD ELRIC clean itself.

Feeding

The EDWARD ELRIC will insist on being fed excessive amounts of food to help him grow. If you refuse, he will most likely transmute your furniture and eat it. And since the EDWARD refuses to drink milk, we recommend purchasing calcium supplements if you are worried about calcium deficiency. Forcing your EDWARD to drink milk is not an option!

WARNING: If you attempt to force-feed your unit, the manufacturers cannot be held responsible for any incidents involving you and violent automail transmutations, as his box is clearly labelled MILK INTOLERANT.

Rest

Since the EDWARD ELRIC is a 'growing' boy and you will undoubtedly work him hard in the house, he will be quite tired at the end of his day. Insist that he gets eight hours of sleep and that he cuddle next to you so that those gorgeous golden eyes are the first thing you see when you wake up.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Ever since my EDWARD ELRIC came out of his box, the only thing he does is wander aimlessly around my house, looking confused and making this "Aru?" noise when I talk to him. Dude, is he broken?

A: Sorry, you must have received the Japanese version of the EDWARD ELRIC. "Aru" is the Japanese pronunciation of "Al", so the poor EDWARD is only looking for his brother. You can either purchase a Japanese ALPHONSE ELRIC to keep him company, teach him English, or send him back for the English version.

NOTE: Remember to specify which unit version you want with your next order - not only are English and Japanese versions incompatible with each other, but it is extremely traumatic for units to be re-packaged once activated!

Q: My idiot neighbour let some random GREED kidnap her ALPHONSE ELRIC and my EDWARD ELRIC ran after them! How the heck do I get him back?

A: Your neighbour is indeed an idiot. We advise against the anime method (i.e. dispatching an IZUMI CURTIS and RANDOM MILITARY units to retrieve him) as it is troublesome and time-consuming. What you should do is locate the local KIMBLEY, who will be carrying a Bag O' Greed Bones©. In exchange for his services, promise him a higher military rank (a toy badge is cheap and sufficient) or ten random units that he can explode (defective models are made available to consumers for this purpose). Once the deal has been sealed, the KIMBLEY will head off to the nearest Devil's Nest Playhouse© to confront the GREED by hitting him over the head with the Bag O' Greed Bones©. The GREED will instantly crumple to the floor in a weakened state, allowing your EDWARD ELRIC to defeat him with ease and rescue the ALPHONSE. The KIMBLEY will return to collect his payment without your EDWARD, but pay him anyway to avoid being turned into a bomb. Expect your own unit to wander home a few days later with the ALPHONSE ELRIC in tow.

To prevent the EDWARD ELRIC from running off again, buy an ALPHONSE ELRIC and let him fuss over his little brother in the safety and comfort of your own home.

Q: My EDWARD ELRIC keeps misinterpreting things my friends say and beating them up! How can I stop him from going berserk every time someone happens to say small?

A: Firstly, you need to make sure your friends are not doing this on purpose - if they are and you want to teach them a lesson, tell a random SCAR that they are practising forbidden alchemy in their basements. Secondly, you have to accept that caring for your EDWARD means accepting all his faults, even his SMS (Short Man Syndrome). But if his behaviour is leaving you friendless and alone, purchase an ALPHONSE ELRIC or IZUMI CURTIS to keep him in line.

Q: I installed a chip in my EDWARD ELRIC to make him grow, but instead of growing taller, he grew wider. What can I do? I never wanted a Fatmetal Alchemist!

A: There are no existing programs to make the EDWARD ELRIC grow taller. Watching him grow naturally because of your care and love is the greatest reward an owner can ever have… and because short men need love too. In the event that you choose to use upgrades, only approved software may be used for your unit and must be installed by an official EDWARD ELRIC technician. The only thing you can do at this point is to put your EDWARD on a strict diet, send him to the gym daily, and pray there is no permanent damage.

Q: I really want my EDWARD ELRIC to be closer to my ENVY, but every time I try to get them together, my ENVY just taunts my EDWARD by calling him a "chibi" and kicking him in the face!

A: The ENVY instinctively despises the EDWARD ELRIC, so there is nothing you can do except run for cover when they start beating on each other. However, this relationship can bloom into full-blown yaoi by unlocking both of their Out of Character modes and striking up a conversation about fathers who abandoned their children (supplying alcohol during this time will also encourage physical contact). The resulting relationship will be angst-based, but what else did you expect?

Q: I want Elric babies, but my EDWARD ELRIC is only interested in my WINRY as a friend and personal automail mechanic!

A: Sneak up behind your unit while he is watching TV and hit him over the head with a wrench. Hopefully he will remain unconscious until you can drag him to the bedroom where the WINRY is waiting, but feel free to give him another hit if he shows signs of waking up (if you are reluctant to hurt your unit, have the IZUMI CURTIS do it for you). Dump him on the bed and give your WINRY detailed instructions on how to go about stripping the EDWARD of his virginity. When he regains consciousness, the WINRY should be more than capable of convincing him to take off his pants and make Elric babies.

Q: I did what you said and bred my EDWARD with a WINRY, but they have been trying and trying for a year and still no Elric babies. What the hell?

A: If the EDWARD ELRIC is breeding without success, it means your WINRY ROCKBELL is either a cheap knockoff or an ENVY unit in disguise. If the WINRY is a fake, donate her to charity and buy an original. You can get rid of the ENVY by mentioning that you saw a HOHENHEIM unit heading toward the Antarctic – congratulations, you should never see him again. But despite the fact that the lost WINRY must have died a horrible and violent death at the hands of the ENVY, your EDWARD may have grown fond of him, so you might be persuaded to keep him. If you are desperate for Elric babies, give up on the EDWARD and try breeding with an ALPHONSE ELRIC instead.

If for some reason you want your EDWARD to breed with the ENVY, we recommend contacting your nearest licensed Fangirl, who will be more than happy to make the necessary adjustments.

Troubleshooting

Problem: Instead of receiving an adorable alchemist, you got a scantily-clad, tattooed Homunculus who keeps giving you sinister looks with his hazy eyes and fingering his scythe.

Solution: Oops. You must have received the Version 2.0 PRIDE by mistake. He may look like the EDWARD ELRIC, but possesses the patented I May Be Creepy, But Ravage Me Anyway© factor. He may also give chase and try to hack you to pieces with his scythe. You might want to keep him since he is approved by Official Fangirls© as 'teh smex', but if you desperately want the original EDWARD we will be happy to re-supply you with the correct model.

Problem: You accidentally mention the words 'dog' and 'military' in the same sentence and now your EDWARD ELRIC is sulking and threatening to run away.

Solution: Give him a hug.

Problem: You took your EDWARD ELRIC to the beach and now he can't seem to move.

Solution: Saltwater is a bad idea where your EDWARD ELRIC is concerned. Combining it with sand is even worse. Have a WINRY ROCKBELL repair or replace his rusted automail, and teach your unit about the dangers of splashing in the waves and rolling in the sand. If you must take him to the beach with you, leave him in the car (remember to leave a window open when doing so) or restrict him to sitting on a towel far away from the water – if he sulks, give him a Popsicle.

Final Note

After many years with the EDWARD ELRIC by your side, you will inevitably reach your twilight years. But as the EDWARD ELRIC is a Certified Bishonen©, he will remain bright-eyed and golden-haired for years to come, providing your descendents with an entire dynasty of Elric prodigies. To reward your unit for his years of faithful service and companionship, ensure that he is not a victim of ugly custody battles and vicious kidnappings by stating in your will which of your children shall inherit your Fullmetal Alchemist.