Deidara's Troubles
By Magewriter
Disclaimer: I don't own Sasori, Deidara, Kisame, Itachi, the Akatsuki, or any of the names or places featured in Naruto.
Well, I've never actually watched or read any Naruto, but I have a friend (on Fanfiction, she's Deidara's Most Rabid Fangirl, and on DeviantART, she's Pockymachine. If you ever hear me refer to someone as "Pockles," this started as me trying to make her want another username) who's obsessed with Deidara. He is her bishie. Hence, I've learned a lot of stuff about the Akatsuki and the Naruto series in general. So, here's my try at making a decent fanfiction. They're probably all going to be slightly ooc because I've never watched or read anything (except for my friend's fanfiction, episode three of the original series, and a small part of Shippuden which included Dei-san and Gaara) having to do with Naruto.
Dedication: This story is dedicated to Suzimi, an artist on DeviantART, for her comic "Say 'aaah' Deidara." For details, go to - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Why is it that I'm always sent to get the miso base, yeah? Why can't it be Sasori-dana? I hope I can send him next time, and he can see how it feels, yeah! I hope he catches his death, yeah…"
Deidara was muttering to himself. Planning ahead, he had bought seventeen packages of miso base. It would dissolve in water to become the wonderful soup that he loved so much.
His arm was getting tired, so he leaned against an iron gate for a split second. Feeling the freezing metal on his hand made him take it off.
But he couldn't.
His tongue on his right hand was stuck to the frozen metal. He stood there for ten minutes, but the iron refused to come above freezing.
Finally, Sasori came along. It didn't usually take Deidara this long to go to the store and come back. When he saw Deidara leaning on the fence, he got mad.
"Deidara, this isn't the time to lounge around! We could get a mission at any second!"
"It's not my fault, yeah! My tongue is stuck to the fence, yeah!"
Sasori fought hard to contain his laughter. As he left, Deidara yelled after him, "Get the metal cutter or something, yeah! Sasori, are you listening to me, yeah?" After he was far enough away that he though Deidara couldn't hear him, he burst out laughing.
After awhile, Kisame cut Deidara free with Samehada, grumbling something about how Itachi had made him do it. "Finally, yeah! Thanks, Kisame-kun, yeah!"
He ran home.
Sasori had started a fire for some reason. Dei-kun held his iron bar in front of it for awhile until his tongue fell off. Then, he went to the stove and started to heat some water. He didn't wait for it to heat, he just stuck his hand in it. "There you go, yeah. Poor little tongue, yeah. I'll make you some miso, yeah." Sasori found it hilarious that Deidara was crooning to his own hand, and he found it hard to contain his laughter. "What are you laughing at, yeah? My tongue was stuck to that bar for twenty minutes, yeah! I think it deserves some warm water, yeah!"
"Yeah, but you don't have to croon to it, Deidara! Be a man!"
"Better than you, yeah. If it had been you, you would have screamed, yeah. But I barely even flinched, yeah."
He brought his hand out of the water. "Are you better, yeah? Show me, yeah. Show me. I can't help you if you won't show me where it hurts, yeah." He was like a mother taking care of a young child, except that he was crooning to one of his three tongues.
"Deidara, stop babying it! You have two others!"
"Yeah, but I need it to help me fight, yeah!"
"It's a tongue! It'll get better!"
"Maybe you should respect your body more, Sasori, even if you are a puppet, yeah. When my tongue gets frostbite, I put it in warm water, yeah."
"This just sounds stupid! We're talking about your tongue!"
"I know, yeah. Would you make some miso, yeah? I would, but I have to let my tongue soak in the warm water, yeah. It's good for it, yeah."
"No."
"Why not, yeah?"
"Because I hate you. You refuse to see that art is meant to last."
"And you refuse to see that art is a bang, yeah. What does that have to do with making the wonderful soup of life, yeah? You know we have some in the fridge, yeah. You'd just have to heat it up, yeah."
"If you licked an iron bar in the middle of winter without thinking of the consequences, that's not my fault."
"But if you're being mean, it is your fault, yeah."
Sasori chose to ignore the last statement. Then Itachi came in.
"Deidara, what'd you do to yourself now?"
"Well, see, I was leaning against this fence, yeah, and then my tongue got stuck to it, yeah. So now I'm soaking my hand in warm water because that's what you're supposed to do, yeah. But, Sasori's making fun of me, yeah, and he refuses to heat up some miso."
"Deidara, you can be so childish sometimes…"
"It wasn't my fault, yeah! Sometimes it seems like all I'm good for is blowing stuff up and buying miso, yeah. My arm was tired, yeah, so of course, I leaned against a fence, yeah. But it was cold, yeah, and my tongue stuck to the metal, yeah. You'd get tired, too, if you were trying to carry seventeen packages of concentrated miso, yeah!"
"Why seventeen? That's such a random number."
"That's all the store had, yeah."
"Deidara, you can be stupid sometimes, but I guess it can't hurt to give you miso."
"Yay! Thank you, Itachi-san, yeah! It's in the fridge, yeah."
"I know where miso is kept. You practically live off the stuff."
"I know yeah! Isn't it yummy, yeah?"
"… I will never understand you." Itachi walked to the fridge and took out the pot of miso, half-full after two days of being available to Deidara. He got a small pot from the cupboard and scooped some of the soup into it, then set one of the stove burners to "high" and set the pot on it. "Okay, there you go, Deidara. I'm assuming you'll want a spoon?"
"No, yeah. I'm going to eat it with my right hand, yeah."
"But I thought your right hand was hurt."
"Miso makes everything better, yeah!"
"…" sweat drop
"Don't listen to him," came a call from the other room. "He's just doing it to get attention."
"How can someone even call themselves an artist if they refuse to see that art is in everything, yeah?"
"Oh, yeah? What's the art in your water?"
"There are all the little molecules bouncing around in there, yeah, and there are going to be bubbles, yeah, and the height of the water in the pot is art, yeah. Not very carefully-done art, yeah, but it's, like, useful art, yeah. How are movies permanent, yeah?"
"Because, although the pictures flash in front of you, they're still there to look at when you're done watching the movie if you're not some freak with ADD like some people we know."
"You're just jealous, yeah."
"Of what? Your tongue?"
"Shut up, yeah!"
"Sasori, stop. That's just mean."
"My tongue may never be the same again, yeah! And all because I went to the store to get miso for Christmas, yeah!"
"Who eats miso on Christmas? Besides you, I mean."
"The Christmas season is the time when you get to eat more and no one makes fun of you, yeah!"
"It's not like we even celebrate it…"
"I do, yeah! I make a bunch of clay birds, yeah, and I have them perch on a Christmas tree in the town square of one of the villages, yeah, then I blow them all up, yeah. It's really pretty, yeah. Do you want me to get a picture for you, yeah?"
"No, that's okay…"
"I send them out with my Christmas cards, yeah. It'll be no trouble."
"You send out Christmas cards?"
"Yeah, yeah! To people I chose not to kill because it's the Christmas season, yeah!"
"This is sort of making me afraid of what you do for White day…"
"I buy those heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, yeah, and I put my birds in and eat the chocolate, yeah, and then I give them to people and blow them up, yeah. And you should see my Independence Day fireworks, yeah!"
Sasori: sweat drop
"Okay, Deidara. The miso's done. I'll put it into a bowl for you."
"Thanks, Itachi-san, yeah!"
And so, Deidara's right hand had its fill of miso. He felt better then, but he still turned off the stove and took his water (which had been heating) into his bedroom to soak his tongue in private.
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This chapter was really short. I came up with it one morning over spring break when my sister woke me up at 5:30 looking for a CD or something (I have no idea what she was looking for because she woke me up by turning on the light, so I had my eyes closed) and I couldn't get back to sleep. I checked the characters and script with my friend who loves Dei-san, so it should be pretty good. I'm sorry, Pockles, but I'm probably going to check this stuff with you for at least two more chapters.
She also told me how to make sense of Itachi being nice and talking so much, which is the reason why this fanfic is dedicated to Suzimi.