SCENE 1: Ahmadinejad addresses the United Nations

[News reporter amidst media crowd in front of United Nations Headquarters in New York City.]

HARRY BUTLIK: "This is Harry Butlik, reporting from the United Nations. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad arrived in New York City, today, to give what will no doubt be yet another controversial address in front of the world's most prominent diplomatic assembly. We go to him live as he makes an important announcement."

[Cut to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his translator. They are standing outside at U.N. Plaza in front of a podium.]

TRANSLATOR: [over Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's "derka derka"] "Once again, I have entered the anus of The Great Satan to speak the truth to the infidel. For too long, the American Zionist media has perpetuated the lie of the Holocaust in order to oppress the Muslim world and to distract people from the imperialist designs of Americans and Zionists and Jews. But the Holocaust never happened. It is just a myth, like Scuzzlebut, or an Iranian nuclear weapons program. And they blame it on Adolf Hitler, who never hurt anyone. Although thought to be destroyed, the Iranian government has recovered the remains of Adolf Hitler from the Russians, as compensation for them stalling on building us nuclear power plants. Today, I have ordered that Hitler's remains be sent here, to the United Nations, so that the U.S. Zionists can come face to face with him and apologize for desecrating the reputation of this brave and decent man."

[Excited murmuring from reporters.]

TRANSLATOR: "President Ahmadinejad will now be happy to answer questions about this momentous event."

["Rabble rabble rabble" from reporters.]

REPORTER 1: "Mr. President! Mr. President! Are you gay?"

TRANSLATOR: [confers with Ahmadinejad] "No. No, the President is not gay."

REPORTER 2: "Mr. President! Mr. President! Is it true there are no gay people in Iran because you took all the gay away from them and absorbed it into yourself?"

TRANSLATOR: [confers with Ahmadinejad] "No. No, that's - no, he didn't do that."

REPORTER 3: "Mr. President! Mr. President! Aren't pretty much all Persian men gay?"

TRANSLATOR: [confers with Ahmadinejad] "No. No, he is not gay, and there are no gay people in Iran."

REPORTER 4: "Mr. President! Mr. President! Are you sure you're not gay? Because you'd fit right in."

TRANSLATOR: [confers with Ahmadinejad] "No, he's not gay. And, no, he wouldn't fit in with gay people."

["Rabble rabble rabble" from reporters.]

REPORTER 5: "Mr. President! Mr. President! You're not ready to admit you're gay! Is that because you're afraid of being turned down by another gay man?"

TRANSLATOR: [about to confer with Ahmadinejad] "Uh…"

REPORTER 6: "What do you mean? I'd go out with him!"

[Reporters go quiet.]

REPORTER 7: "I mean, I'd go out with him if he weren't a complete a**hole!"

["Rabble rabble rabble" from reporters.]

REPORTER 4: "Do you see what I'm talking about, Mr. President?! Do you see why we need you to answer these questions?!"

[Cut to Stan's living room. Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are watching the U.N. event on TV.]

CARTMAN: "Typical. Now watch the liberal, Jew-media do their best to tear down the last honest man in America."

KYLE: "What's so honest about him? He's saying the Holocaust never happened!"

CARTMAN: "It didn't happen, Kyle! Didn't you hear the man? The Holocaust is just a fairy tale concocted by the Jews to get everyone to watch their movies! Do you think anyone would even bother to watch their crappy little stories if people didn't feel sorry for them?"

KYLE: [poking Cartman in the chest with is finger for emphasis] "It really happened, Cartman! Hitler sent six million Jews - not to mention millions of other people - into concentration camps to die! It's history!"

CARTMAN: [poking Kyle in the chest with is finger in retaliation] "It's not history, Kyle, it's just another Jew fairy tale with crappy special effects that I am not buying a ticket for."

KYLE: "You're so full of it, fata**! Every reasonable person on this planet knows that the Holocaust is real! And you know who'd be the first to admit it? Hitler! All you idiots who deny that the Holocaust happened don't seem to realize that, if Hitler were alive, he'd be the first to admit that he killed millions of Jews!"

CARTMAN: "Well, then I guess it's just too bad brave Mr. Hitler - bless his soul - is dead and isn't taking questions any more, isn't it?"

[Kyle glares at Cartman, fuming.]

STAN: "Well, not necessarily."

CARTMAN: "What are you talking about?"

STAN: "Well, I mean, there's the Old Indian Burial ground up the road."

KYLE: "And?"

STAN: "You could just bury Hitler's corpse up there. He'd come back to life and then you could ask him whether or not the Holocaust happened."

KYLE: "You think?"

CARTMAN: "Don't make me laugh! You morons don't really believe that dead things can come back to life, do you?"

KYLE: "Shut up, fata**! You should talk, you're the one who doesn't even believe in the Holocaust!"

STAN: "Yeah, it wouldn't be the first time something died in this town and then came back to life."

KENNY: [looking at clock, voice muffled by hoodie] ("It's probably time for me to go.")

STAN: [also looking at clock] "Yeah, you better head off now, Kenny."

[Kenny leaves.]

CARTMAN: "Look, I believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Thanksgiving dinner, and that's it! I don't have room for more bullcrap fantasies like the Holocaust and reanimated corpses!"

KYLE: "It's not a fantasy, crap-tard! The Holocaust really happened! But you're such fat-sucking s**t-monger that you wouldn't believe it even if Hitler admitted to it!"

CARTMAN: "Don't you talk about poor Mr. Hitler like that! He would never admit to it because he didn't do it!"

KYLE: "Then maybe I'll bury his corpse and bring him back to life just to prove you wrong!"

CARTMAN: [laughing and mocking] "Oh, please! How you gonna do that, Kyle? You're just going to steal Hitler's body from the U.N.? Don't make me laugh!"

[Ominous music begins to play.]

CARTMAN: "One does not simply walk into the United Nations. Its gates are guarded by more than just security. There is evil there that does not sleep! It is a barren wasteland, riddled with squinty-eyed brown people, cultures and ethnicities undeserving of human contact! The very air is infested with curry farts and bad cologne. No, not with ten thousand fourth-graders could you do this! It is folly!"

[Ominous music ends. Kyle scowls at Cartman, walks to the phone, picks it up and makes a call.]

KYLE: "Hello, Post Office?"

[Cut to postal employee, sitting at desk and speaking into phone. Conversation cuts back and forth between Kyle and postal employee.]

POSTAL EMPLOYEE: "Yes, this is the U.S. Postal Service."

KYLE: "Hi, my name is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I'm the President of Iran."

POSTAL EMPLOYEE: "Yes, hello President Ahmadinejad. How can we help you today?"

KYLE: "I'd like my mail to be forwarded. Yes, everything that gets sent to Iran's mission to the United Nations, could you please send it to the Law Offices of Gerald Broflovski, in South Park, Colorado?"

POSTAL EMPLOYEE: "Oh, certainly, Mr. Ahmadinejad. I'll just enter it into the computer, aaaaand you should see your mail arrive in South Park tomorrow afternoon."

KYLE: "That's great."

POSTAL EMPLOYEE: "Do you need to buy any stamps today, Mr. Ahmadinejad?"

KYLE: "Nope."

POSTAL EMPLOYEE: "Are you sure? We have some lovely collectibles showing Donald Duck having sex with Shamu, they're great for the kids."

KYLE: "No thanks, I'm good for stamps."

POSTAL EMPLOYEE: "Well, let us know if you do need any. And thank you for using the U.S. Postal Service. We're delivering the future."

KYLE: "Great, thank you."

[Hangs up and glares triumphantly at Cartman.]

CARTMAN: [flipping Kyle the bird] "F**k you, Kyle. F**k you."

[Cartman storms out. END SCENE.]

SCENE 2: Getting Hitler's body

[Stan and Kyle walk down the street to the Law Offices of Gerald Broflovski, open the door and enter. The floor is covered in mail, making it difficult to open the door.]

KYLE: "Dad?"

[Gerald Broflovski is wading through mail.]

GERALD: "Oh, hi, boys. Sorry for the mess, there seems to have been some sort of mix-up at the post office. All of a sudden I'm getting all this weird mail. Half of it is angry letters insisting that the Holocaust is real, and the other half is people wanting to buy Persian rugs or sell nuclear secrets. And then there's all these bizarre catalogues. It doesn't make sense, who the hell would want to put giant designer sunglasses on a gold-plated Hummer?"

KYLE: "Wow, that's pretty weird."

GERALD: "Yeah. I don't even want to know what's in that thing." [Pointing to large box in the corner]

STAN: "Yep, you definitely don't."

KYLE: "We'll just take it back to the post office so you don't have to deal with it, Dad."

GERALD: "Thanks, kids."

[Stan and Kyle start hauling the box out. END SCENE.]

SCENE 3: Burying Hitler

[Stan and Kyle are digging a hole in the Indian Burial Ground. Large box is nearby. Cartman rushes up.]

CARTMAN: "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

STAN: "Oh, what do you want, Cartman?"

KYLE: "Yeah, get lost, fata**."

CARTMAN: "You're actually doing it, aren't you? As if Hitler hasn't been through enough already, you're going to resurrect him and force him to be harassed by the very same Jew-media that has spent the last 800 years lying about him and dragging his name through the mud!"

STAN: "Oh, shut up, Cartman."

KYLE: "We're bringing him back to life so he can be held responsible for all the people he killed, and so we can prove that you and all the other Holocaust deniers are just a bunch of lying douche-bags!"

CARTMAN: "Well, I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that Kyle."

KYLE: "Oh, really?"

[Cartman goes eye-to-eye with Kyle.]

CARTMAN: "Kyle, if you carry out this affront to basic human decency, I swear by the ghost of Aquaman that I will rain down upon your little world with the destructive force of a thousand Michael Bay movies."

KYLE: "So help me, Cartman, if you even try to get in our way, I will cram this shovel up your a**, twist it around, pull it out and show everyone how full of s**t you are."

CARTMAN: [pause] "Well, Kyle, I suppose we're just going to have to agree to disagree."

KYLE: "That's great. Why don't you agree to disagree over there while Stan and I finish burying Hitler."

[Stan and Kyle open the box, pushing the open end into the hole. They shake the box, emptying the contents into the hole. They wince at the strong odor, holding their shirts up over their mouths.]

KYLE: "Jesus Christ, it's awful."

STAN: "I know, it smells like cologne. What the hell?"

[END SCENE.]

SCENE 4: Hitler comes to life

[Nighttime at the Indian Burial ground. Kyle and Stan are in their sleeping bags, Cartman (no sleeping bag) has his head on a rock. All three are asleep. Noises emerge from the burial site.]

STAN: [whispering urgently] "Kyle, wake up!"

KYLE: [waking] "What?"

STAN: "Can you hear that? Something's happening!"

[The burial mound begins to move, amidst more groaning.]

KYLE: "Holy crap! It worked!"

STAN: "Wait. What if it didn't work?"

KYLE: "What do you mean?"

STAN: "What if it's not Hitler? Or what if Hitler winds up being some bloodthirsty zombie that feasts on human flesh? What do we do then?"

KYLE: [pauses to think] "Then we'll let him have Cartman. That should buy us a couple weeks to Plan B the situation."

STAN: "Oh, yeah, good thinking!"

[Cartman starts to wake.]

CARTMAN: "Huh? What? Who said my name?"

[A hand pokes out of the burial mound, twists and waves around, searching for something to grasp.]

STAN: "Jesus Christ! He's coming out!"

CARTMAN: [seeing the moving hand] "Ah! It's a Bruce Campbell movie!"

[The hand emerges further and a body pulls itself up. It is Adolf Hitler, silhouetted against the moon.]

HITLER: "Vas ist going on hier?"

THE BOYS: "Aaaaah!"

[Cut to Hitler, who is wearing a silk shirt, gold chains, and customized sunglasses.]

HITLER: "Vere am I? Und vy am I dressed as a male prostitute?"

STAN: "Dude! It actually worked!"

CARTMAN: "Yeah, the Native Americans finally got something right!"

KYLE: [steps forward] "We resurrected you to force you to take responsibility for your crimes!"

HITLER: "Mein…crimes?"

KYLE: "Yeah! You killed millions of Jews, and there's a bunch of dumb-a** morons out there saying you didn't!"

CARTMAN: "Hey! Leave Hitler alone! He didn't order the Holocaust, and he's had a very busy day being brought back from the dead. Show a little respect!"

HITLER: "No, little fat American, he is right."

KYLE: "I am?"

HITLER: "Ja, I ordered ze massacre of Jews. Millions were killed on my orders."

KYLE: "Ha! See? I told you so!"

CARTMAN: "Dammit!"

HITLER: "But…but I didn't want to."

KYLE: "What?"

HITLER: "I had no choice. It all started in 1920. You see…"

[As Hitler gives his narrative, cut to him in 1920. Hitler is depicted as a gay youth - wearing a t-shirt that says "Ich [heart] [star of David]" - in a breezy studio apartment adorned with his watercolor paintings, many of them beefcake depictions of Orthodox Jews.]

HITLER NARRATION: "Ze var vas over, und I did not have ze care in ze vorld. I vas living in Berlin, vorking on my painting und satisfied zat ze world vas finally on a path of peace, tolerance, und love. Until von day, ze phone rang."

[Hitler stares dreamily at one painting. His concentration broken by the phone, he plants a kiss on his hand and touches it to the lips of the painting, and then rakes his hand lustfully across the painting as he heads for the phone. Picks it up.]

HITLER: "Ja, frauleins! Moshi moshi!"

HITLER NARRATION: "It vas incredible. Ze phone call vas from ze other side of ze galaxy. Aliens were contacting me, und telling me zat a nefarious villain was hiding out on Earth. The villain, who they called 'The Evil One', had committed unspeakable crimes, and had escaped from prison. Their sources could not pinpoint his location, except to say that he was hiding out in ze Jewish community in Europe. They warned me zat he would no doubt start planning to raise followers und commit even greater acts of genocide, and zat he had to be stopped, no matter what ze cost. I tried to argue with zem, but zey said said it had to be done."

[As the narration progresses, gay young Hitler's demeanor of happiness changes to surprise, then concern, then horror, then dismay. Cut back to Kyle.]

KYLE: "And you just believed them?"

HITLER: "Ja, zey made a good argument."

STAN: "Oh, come on. You massacred millions of people based on a phone call?"

HITLER: "Ja. It vas a very convincing phone call. Do not underestimate ze power of a good speaker."

CARTMAN: "He makes an excellent point, Kyle. Remember when I talked all those gingers out of killing you?"

KYLE: "F**k you, Cartman."

HITLER: "Zo, I created a violent political movement. At first I hoped a bloodthirsty character such as The Evil One would be attracted to it and join up, making it easy to dispatch him. But no such luck. Years went by and I vaz left mit no option. I had to order ze extermination of all Juden - and many others - to make sure we got him. It vas not a job I relished, but it had to be done to avoid an even greater loss of life for Earth and all ze galaxy. I vish I didn't have to do it. But there was no other way. Given ze fact zat you boys are alive, ve must have gotten The Evil One. But at zuch a terrible, terrible price." [puts head in hands, sobs]

STAN: "But how do you know there even was a mass-murdering alien hiding out on Earth?"

CARTMAN: "Hey, stop trying to undermine him! Hitler is an expert at killing people, he knows what he's doing!"

KYLE: "Shut up, Cartman! Just a minute ago you were saying he didn't kill anybody!"

CARTMAN: [pleading] "Didn't you hear him? He was trying to save our lives from The Evil One! Is it that hard for you to understand? Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the Jew. Haven't you ever read the Bible? Sometimes, you have to sacrifice the Jew for the sake of the many."

KYLE: "It's 'needs of the few', Cartman."

CARTMAN: "It's the same damn point!"

KYLE: "No, it's not!"

STAN: "Yeah, and anyone can make a prank phone call. If that's all it was, then the Holocaust was just a lot of senseless killing, all for nothing!"

[Sad, serious piano music as camera focuses on Hitler.]

HITLER: "All for nothing? Nein, it couldn't be. I can't stand the thought that I caused all that destruction and horror for nothing. Children please, I must go. Zere is zo much I have to do. I must try to explain why I did what I did. Perhaps ze people vill forgive me. Probably not, but vun vay or ze other, I must try."

KYLE: "Wait, before you go, who was it who told you that The Evil One was hiding out among the Jews?"

HITLER: "It vas aliens."

STAN: "Yeah, but which aliens?"

HITLER: "Vell, zey called zemselves, [camera focuses in on his face] ZE GELGAMEKS!"

[Dramatic orchestra riff. END SCENE.]

Commercial Break

SCENE 5: Hitler speaks with Cartman

[Hitler crosses screen, Cartman chasing after him.]

CARTMAN: "Wait! Hitler! Hold up! Please, Monsieur le Hitler, may I just have a word with you?!"

HITLER: "Vas is it, fat little American? I have much to do."

CARTMAN: "Well, where are you going?"

HITLER: "I am going to try to redeem myself, to take responsibility for all that I have done."

CARTMAN: "And just how are you going to do that?"

HITLER: "Vell, I vill go before the people, admit what I have done, explain to them that - though there is nothing I can do to fix it - I thought I vas doing what was best for everyone, and apologize."

CARTMAN: "Really? That's it? That's your plan?"

HITLER: "Ja."

CARTMAN: "Hitler, baby, you're letting me down."

HITLER: "Vas do you mean?"

CARTMAN: "Well, for one thing, I love your work, I don't think you have anything to apologize for…"

HITLER: "Ja, I do."

CARTMAN: [stifling his frustration] "…But, if redemption is what you're going for, you're going to need a lot more than that."

HITLER: "Really? What else am I going to need for redemption? Jesus?"

CARTMAN: "Normally I would say yes. But this is a special situation, and I'm afraid that throwing another dead Jew into the mix just isn't going to do the trick."

HITLER: "No?"

CARTMAN: "No, listen, Monsieur le Hitler…"

HITLER: "Just 'Hitler' is fine."

CARTMAN: "…Hitler, fine, listen: I don't know how it worked back in the Middle Ages, but these days you can't just walk up to people and apologize for what you did and expect it to go anywhere."

HITLER: "No?"

CARTMAN: "Non! Absolutement, non! These days, people won't stand for just an apology. They want to be excited and entertained! They want music and balloons and flags! They want to feel the crush of the crowd, as they throng together in a spectacle of thousands of people who are hanging on to your every word!"

HITLER: "Zat is not vat I am goink for. Thank you, fat little American, but all zat is a distraction." [turns to leave]

CARTMAN: "Is it, Hitler? Is it a distraction? Or is it exactly what you need?"

HITLER: [turning to Cartman] "Vat do you mean?"

CARTMAN: "Look, you can go around chasing everyone down and trying to apologize to people one by one, see how far that gets you. Or, you can create a spectacle so that people willingly come to you in order to receive their apology. Which do you think is more practical? Hitler running around trying to convince people one at a time that he's sorry for what he did, or people gathering before Hitler so that he can dispense to them the rhetoric that they so dearly need to hear, that he and only he can provide them with?"

HITLER: [scratching his chin pensively] "Zat does sound more plausible, ven you put it zat vey…"

CARTMAN: [almost to himself] "Particularly if you charge $25 per seat and $15 for standing room…"

HITLER: "Vat did you say?"

CARTMAN: [snapping back to attention] "Nozink! Tell me, are you familiar with the term 'T-shirt sales'?"

HITLER: "Was ist ein 'T-shirt'?"

CARTMAN: "Then we have nothing more to discuss. Leave us go to the convention center, and then on to a silk screen vendor!"

[Hitler and Cartman exit. END SCENE.]

SCENE 6: Kyle tells Stan his plan

[Kyle calls Stan. They each talk from their respective homes as Stan makes a sandwich and Kyle folds laundry.]

STAN: "Hello?"

KYLE: "Hey, Stan, it's Kyle."

STAN: "Oh, hi, Kyle. What's up?"

KYLE: "Well, I've been thinking a lot about how we resurrected Hitler."

STAN: "Oh, yeah?"

KYLE: "And how Hitler told us that the Holocaust was just a sweep to kill an intergalactic genocidal maniac called 'The Evil One'."

STAN: "Mm-hm?"

KYLE: "And I'm still not comfortable with his explanation that the Gelgameks told him to do it."

STAN: "Well, I dunno, Kyle. Father Maxi taught us about the Gelgameks in Sunday school."

KYLE: "He did?"

STAN: "Yeah. He said they're good Catholics, I can't imagine they'd be involved in some sort of intergalactic plot to kill Jews."

KYLE: "OK, well, here's where I'm at with it: I went online and searched through the archives of German phone records for 1920. I looked for the longest phone number there was, and found one that made a call to 'Adolf Butterfly Windsong Hitler' in Berlin."

STAN: "Really?"

KYLE: "Yes. So, here's what I say we do: We call the phone number, and find out if it's really a Gelgamek, and - if it is - find out if they really told Hitler about The Evil One."

STAN: "OK. But, I mean, how do we call the Gelgameks?"

KYLE: "Don't worry about that. Just meet me at the garage at my house. You bring your dad's record player and an umbrella, I'll bring my Speak & Spell and a DVD of E.T."

STAN: "OK, cool. See you soon."

[END SCENE.]

SCENE 7: Hitler and Cartman inspect T-shirts

[Hitler is sitting in Cartman's room. Cartman comes in, carrying a cardboard box.]

CARTMAN: "OK, the first pressings of the T-shirts are in, let's look at what we've got here."

HITLER: "Vas are zese 'T-shirts'?"

CARTMAN: "These are shirts we'll sell to people at the rally."

HITLER: "Ze rally?"

CARTMAN: "Yes, the rally where you apologize to everyone for, well, whatever it was. Let's see…"

[As he describes them, Cartman holds up a series of T-shirts with artwork and/or slogans on them.]

CARTMAN: "We've got 'I Was There When Hitler Apologized'…"

[T-shirt with text.]

CARTMAN: " 'I'm a Jew and I Survived Hitler'…"

[T-shirt with text.]

CARTMAN: " 'Hitler Didn't Tap Out'…"

[T-shirt with text.]

CARTMAN: " 'Hitler Believes in You'…"

[T-shirt with text.]

CARTMAN: "Che Guevara Hitler…"

[T-shirt depicting Hitler in a Che Guevara beret.]

CARTMAN: " 'Phi Beta Hitler'…"

[T-shirt with two Greek letters and a Hitler picture.]

CARTMAN: " 'Mein Furrier'…"

[T-shirt depicting Hitler giving the 'Sieg Heil' with a sable wrapped around his arm and wearing a dandy of a fur coat.]

CARTMAN: " 'Hitler is My Aeroplane'…"

[T-shirt depicting people riding a flying Hitler.]

CARTMAN: " 'Don't Blame Me, the Gelgameks Did It'…"

[T-shirt with text.]

CARTMAN: " 'I Cannot Contain the Hitler Inside Me'…"

[T-shirt depicting Hitler clawing out of rib cage and organs.]

CARTMAN: " 'It's Like That Time That Hitler…'…"

[T-shirt depicting Hitler sitting with the Griffins from 'Family Guy'.]

CARTMAN: "Oh, and then there's this one: On the front it says, 'I like Hitler'. On the back it says, 'I'm Being Ironic'. And then on the inside it says, 'Or Am I?' "

[T-shirt with text.]

CARTMAN: "Isn't that awesome?!"

HITLER: "Ja, das ist very nice. But vat does it have to do mit mein apology?"

CARTMAN: "Your what?"

HITLER: "Mein apology. For ze Holocaust."

CARTMAN: "Oh, yes, well, you don't want people to just forget about your apology five minutes after they leave the rally, do you? With a T-shirt, they have something to remember the event by, so they carry it with them always."

HITLER: [pleased by the explanation] "Oh, I zee."

CARTMAN: "Furthermore, people will ask them about it, and they'll transmit word of your apology to others who might not otherwise have known about it."

HITLER: "Ja, zat makes sense!"

CARTMAN: "Which will make them aware of other apology rallies that they can attend for a nominal fee, allowing them to enjoy your presence and have the opportunity to buy further merchandise."

HITLER: "Other rallies? We're not to have just ze one?"

CARTMAN: "Nein! Wir mussen several rallies geholden! To drive ze point home!"

HITLER: [somewhat taken aback] "But, it all zeems zo unnecessary…"

CARTMAN: "Hitler, baby, you didn't really think this was a one-time deal, did you? You didn't really think you were going to redeem yourself by apologizing just once?"

HITLER: "Ja, I zuppose zat vas not realistic."

CARTMAN: "Vraiment, mon frere! Now, what kind of bunting would you like for your podium?"

[Cartman holds up part of a large piece of red cloth. END SCENE.]

SCENE 8: Stan and Kyle call the Gelgameks

[Stan and Kyle are in the garage with an E.T.-style phone. Kyle picks up the receiver and makes a call. Cut to interior of Gelgamek household. A surly Gelgamek is at the wet bar in the living room, mixing a drink and gobbling down little blue pills. He is about to head for the bedroom when the phone rings. He answers it.]

GELGAMEK: "Yes, hello!"

KYLE: "Uh, hi."

GELGAMEK: "Who is this!"

KYLE: "Um. This is Kyle Broflovski. From Earth."

GELGAMEK: "Oh, a human. What do you want, Earthling?! I am very busy!"

KYLE: "Um, I had a question about a phone call you made a while back."

[Groaning noise comes from the Gelgamek bedroom.]

GELGAMEK: "Get to the point, human! Tonight is my turn to service the Gelgamek vagina! I do not have time for this!"

KYLE: "Uh. OK. Um, did you place a call to my planet several decades ago and warn an Earthling about The Evil One?"

GELGAMEK: "A phone call? To your planet?"

KYLE: "Yes. Did you speak to a man named Adolf Hitler and tell him to kill the European Jews?"

GELGAMEK: [thinks for a second] "Yes, I absolutely did! The Gelgamek vagina grows impatient! Goodbye!" [about to hang up]

KYLE: "No, wait! You did?!"

GELGAMEK: "Of course I did! The Evil One had committed crimes beyond the capacity of human imagination! He had to be found and destroyed!"

[Whale noises come from the Gelgamek bedroom.]

GELGAMEK: [yelling toward bedroom] "Please! I am on the phone!"

KYLE: "What? Wait! Then, I mean, why did you call Hitler?"

GELGAMEK: "Because that is the number we were given to call!"

KYLE: "Given? Given by who?"

GELGAMEK: "By the people who told us where The Evil One was, of course!"

[Growling noises and Wookiee calls come from the Gelgamek bedroom.]

GELGAMEK: [yelling toward bedroom] "You are 40 billion years old, you can wait another minute!"

KYLE: "Wait, someone called you and said you should call us?"

GELGAMEK: "Yes! That is how it works! The Gelgameks are responsible for calling the humans! It is all part of the intergalactic phone tree that you humans consistently violate and ignore!"

KYLE: "Oh, I'm sorry. We'll do better at it next time. But, who told you about The Evil One?"

GELGAMEK: "The Crab People, of course!"

STAN & KYLE: [to each other] "Crab People!"

GELGAMEK: "Yes, they called us and followed up with a very convincing Power Point presentation outlining the need to get the humans to find and destroy The Evil One! And so we told Hitler to do so!"

[Large queefing noises accompanied by the sound of wet, sticky mudflaps slapping together come from the Gelgamek bedroom.]

GELGAMEK: [yelling toward bedroom] "Yes! Why else do you think we prefer to have sex with young boys?!"

STAN: "Crap! Now we have to call the Crab People."

KYLE: [to Stan] "Yeah." [to Gelgamek] "Wait, could you please give us their number?"

GELGAMEK: "Gaaah! Very well! This would not be so time-consuming if you were more faithful to the intergalactic phone tree! [hunts through drawer] Now I barely have enough time to take communion before I service the Gelgamek vagina!"

[END SCENE.]

SCENE 9: Hitler apologizes

[Hitler walks up to podium on stage with festive balloons and bunting.]

HITLER: "Hello, everyone. I do not know where to begin. You are all angry at me, and you have every right to be."

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: "Damn right! You killed my grandparents!"

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: "You're a monster! You destroyed millions of lives!"

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: [wearing 'Hitler is My Aeroplane' T-shirt] "And your T-shirts are ridiculously expensive! This cost me almost $40!"

HITLER: "Ja, I know. I am sorry."

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4: [yelling at Audience members 1-3] "You shut up! Give Hitler a chance to speak!"

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5: "Yeah, he's trying to apologize!"

AUDIENCE MEMBER 6: "What's he ever done to you?!"

HITLER: "Please, please. Do not quarrel. I do not want to cause more problems, I just…"

[Hitler looks at audience, sees O.J. Simpson, Casey Anthony, and John Ramsey in the front row.]

HITLER: "Vas are you three doing hier?"

O.J.: "We're here to support you, Hitler. O.J. knows how you feel."

JOHN RAMSEY: "Yeah, we know what it's like to be accused of a horrific crime. Everyone said my wife Patsy and I killed our daughter, Jon-Benet."

CASEY ANTHONY: "More music! Wooooo!"

[Casey Anthony starts grinding up against another audience member and chugging a 40.]

HITLER: "Nein, zis is not right. You have no place hier."

JOHN RAMSEY: "What?"

HITLER: "Could all of you please just go avay?"

O.J.: "What do you mean? I made probation just for this!"

HITLER: "Zis is not some joke. I am not going on zum ridiculous search for ze real killers, I am not blaming vat I did on zum Puerto Rican guy. Ze Holocaust vas mine. I did it. I did it because ze Gelgameks zaid it had to be done. Maybe I vas wrong, but I am not pretending zat I didn't do it. I am NOT LIKE YOU! [getting angry] I am not withholding information! I am doing ze right thing and owning up to what I did! Zo, GET OUT OF HIER!"

[O.J. Simpson and John Ramsey leave in disgust. Casey Anthony just stands there, smiling like a stupid bimbo.]

HITLER: [leaning in, right at Casey Anthony] "Ja, you too, Casey Anthony, you can alzo go, you morally frigid Skankentrampf."

CASEY ANTHONY: "Are you sure?"

HITLER: "Ja, I'm sure. If I need you, I'll just send you ze 'Happy Mother's Day' card, schon?"

CASEY ANTHONY: "But I don't want to miss out on anything!"

HITLER: [Explodes] "RAUS! RAUS GEHEN!"

[Casey Anthony leaves. Audience is momentarily stunned. Then they all start cheering.]

AUDIENCE: "Hit-LER! Hit-LER! Yaaaay!"

HITLER: [composing himself] "I apologize for zat. I did not mean to get agitated. I am a man of passion, und zat passion zumtimes gets ze best of me. Are we not all guilty of zat? Do we not all desire to do the right thing? And do we not all get agitated, even aroused by those who stand in ze way of zat goal? Vill ve not fight for our ideals?! Vill ve not sveep avay those who stand betveen us und our purity?!"

AUDIENCE: "Yeah!"

HITLER: "Ja!"

AUDIENCE: "Ja!"

HITLER: "Und do ve not relish ze challenge to regain our dignity?! To burn our vay zru those who have undermined us?! Do we not march to vin ze race?!"

AUDIENCE: "Ja!"

HITLER: "Ja!"

AUDIENCE: "Ja! Ja! Ja!"

[Audience continues chanting "Ja".]

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: [in emotional collapse] "You are my aeroplane!"

[END SCENE.]

Commercial Break

SCENE 10: Stan and Kyle call the Crab People

[Kyle makes another call, Stan is nearby. Cut to interior of Crab People cave and quilting bee. A group of Crab People are sewing together Crab People costumes of various sizes. The phone rings and one of them answers it.]

CRAB HOMEOWNER: "Hello! Who is this?"

KYLE: "Um, hi. This is Kyle Broflovski from the, uh, Overworld." [shrugs to Stan in uncertainty]

CRAB HOMEOWNER: "What is it you want, surface worlder?"

KYLE: "Um, I'm looking for a Crab Person who called the Gelgameks and told them to get the humans to kill The Evil One? Is this the, uh, Crab Person to whom I should be speaking?"

CRAB HOMEOWNER: "Yes it is!"

KYLE: "So, you're the one who told them that he was hiding among the Jews of Europe?"

CRAB HOMEOWNER: "Of course we did!"

STAN: [into the phone] "Well, why didn't you just call us yourselves? I mean, we're just, uh, upstairs on the surface world."

CRAB HOMEOWNER: "Why would we call you? We are mortal enemies, surface worlder! It would be totally awkward! That's why this sort of information is handed down along the intergalactic phone tree, which you humans consistently violate and ignore!"

KYLE: "OK, OK, we're sorry. But, why did you give them Hitler's phone number?"

CRAB HOMEOWNER: "Because that is the phone number we were told to give to the Gelgameks!"

KYLE: "Told by who? Who gave you Hitler's phone number? Who said that The Evil One was here on Earth?"

CRAB HOMEOWNER: "Why, so sayeth the Ruler of Bethos! He made it very clear that it was urgent!"

STAN: [to Kyle] "Oh, Jesus, now we have to call the Ruler of Bethos!"

KYLE: [sheepishly] "Uh, we don't seem to have the phone number for the Ruler of Bethos..."

CRAB HOMEOWNER: "Of course you don't! Because you never bothered to respect the intergalactic phone tree! That is among the many reasons why we are mortal enemies!"

KYLE: "I know, I know."

STAN: [whispering to Kyle] "Dude, why don't they just use FaceBook?"

KYLE: "OK, I'm really sorry. I think we may have gotten your phone tree mixed up with the PTA phone tree. But, if you give us the number for the Ruler of Bethos, we promise we'll put it in a safe place and be responsible members of the intergalactic community from now on."

CRAB HOMEOWNER: "Very well, endoskeletal biped Overworlder! I will do so to uphold the integrity of the intergalactic phone tree! But do not think that we are any less bitter foes!"

[END SCENE.]

SCENE 11: Hitler's book tour

[Hitler enters onto large stage in the round. He puts papers on podium, takes a couple steps away from podium, folds arms, and stands quietly as audience murmurs in anticipation. Hitler walks to podium and speaks.]

HITLER: "Ladies und gentlemen..."

[Excited gasps from audience. Cartman is in the audience, whipping them up.]

CARTMAN: "Hitler! It's really him! He's my HE-ro!"

AUDIENCE MEMBER 7: "Hitler, we believe in you!"

AUDIENCE MEMBER 8: "I applaud your courage!"

AUDIENCE MEMBER 9: "I spent over $100 on T-shirts!"

[Audience calms. Hitler resumes.]

HITLER: "Ladies und gentlemen, ve cannot run avay from our failures. Ven ve do, ve simply repeat zem. As zuch, I will not run avay from my crimes. I must acknowledge zem. I must admit to them. I must focus on them, and I must struggle to give all my attention to them to earn your forgiveness. All mein efforts must be focused on zis one goal to ze exclusion of all else. Therefore, I have written a book dedicated to my journey, my undertaking, my desire to concentrate my efforts and struggle toward this single goal. It is called: 'Mein Koncentration Kampf'…"

[Hitler holds up book, with a glamor shot of himself on the cover.]

HITLER: "… vich I vill be selling vor $19.95 on mein international book tour! Bitte, please to be joining me in 'Mein Koncentration Kampf'!"

[Audience goes wild with applause.]

HITLER: "Ah, ze sight of so many of you who have come to see me fills me with joy! Your presence, your applause gives me strength in my quest, as I seek to earn your forgiveness, your attention, your…"

[Close-up on wild-eyed Hitler.]

HITLER: "… DEVOTION!"

[END SCENE.]

SCENE 12: Stan and Kyle call the Marklars

[Kyle makes another call, Stan is nearby. Long phone numbers are drawn on paper, the walls, the car, etc., along with names such as "Ruler of Bethos", "Underpants Gnomes", "Greys" (or "Visitors"), and "Marklars". Kyle and Stan are clearly very tired. Cut to interior of Marklar home.]

MARKLAR: "Marklar speaking."

KYLE: "Hi. Are you the person who used the intergalactic phone tree to alert the humans that The Evil One was hiding out among the Jews?"

MARKLAR: "Excuse me?"

KYLE: "I'm sorry. Are you the marklar who used the intergalactic marklar to alert the marklars that The Marklar was hiding out among the Marklars?"

MARKLAR: "Yes."

STAN: [extremely irritable, given how long this is taking them] "Then why didn't you just get The Evil One yourself?"

KYLE: [into phone] "Yeah, why didn't you just get the Marklar yourself? Why did you ask the marklars to do it?"

MARKLAR: [heard through the receiver talking, "marklar marklar", etc.]

KYLE: [to Stan] "He says because they couldn't pinpoint his location."

MARKLAR: [continues talking]

KYLE: "And if they came in and did it themselves it would look like an invasion, which would violate the Prime Directive."

MARKLAR: [continues talking]

KYLE: "So they passed the information along the intergalactic phone tree, which we humans consistently violate and ignore."

STAN: "Well, what makes them so sure The Evil One was even here?"

KYLE: [into phone] "What makes you so sure the Marklar was even here on Marklar?"

MARKLAR: [heard through the receiver talking, "marklar marklar", etc.]

KYLE: [to Stan] "They say a reliable source on Earth saw him among the Jewish community, and gave them the phone number of someone who could find him and kill him, even if that meant killing all the Jews."

STAN: "Even if it meant killing all the Jews?! Jesus Christ, they were OK with that?"

KYLE: [into phone] "It was OK with you to kill all the Marklars?"

MARKLAR: [heard through the receiver talking, "marklar marklar", etc.]

KYLE: [to Stan] "They say they had no choice. The Evil One was responsible for the worst act of mass murder in intergalactic history. He tricked hundreds of billions of innocent people into having their income taxes inspected, which was just a ruse to have them frozen …"

[Stan starts talking, saying the exact same thing as Kyle.]

STAN & KYLE: "... and placed around a volcano where they were destroyed by hydrogen bombs!"

KYLE: [to Stan] "Dude, how did you know that?"

STAN: "Because that's Xenu! They're talking about Xenu! The Evil One is Xenu!"

KYLE: [into phone] "Was Xenu The Evil One? I mean, was Marklar the Marklar?"

MARKLAR: "Yes."

STAN: "Oh, Jesus Christ. [into phone] Dude, there's no such person!"

KYLE: [into phone] "There's no such marklar!"

MARKLAR: [pause] "Yes there is."

STAN: [into phone] "No, there isn't! He's made-up! It's just a story invented by some loser douche-bag!"

KYLE: [into phone] "Marklar is made-up! It's just a marklar invented by some marklar marklar!"

MARKLAR: [agitated] "Marklar is not made up! Marklar has committed marklars beyond the marklar of marklar marklar!"

KYLE: [speaking to Stan over a torrent of "marklar marklar" from the phone] "He says you're not permitted to deride the religious beliefs of others. [listens to phone, turns to Stan] Billions of his friends have had their lives immeasurably changed after stress tests and audits. [listens to phone, turns to Stan] And one of their finest actors - the star of "Who Wants to Marry a Gelgamek" - is a Scientologist."

STAN: "Oh, Jesus Christ. Look, it doesn't matter. Just find out their source. Who told them Xenu was hiding out with the Jews? Who gave them the phone number to call?!"

KYLE: [interrupting Marklar's tirade] "Marklar, please, just listen a second. Look, you told the Marklars to tell the Marklars to tell the Marklar of Marklars to tell the Marklar Marklars to call the Marklars to get the Marklars to wipe out the Marklars in order to eradicate the Marklar. But who told you to do that? Who was your marklar? Who told you that Marklar was hiding out with the Marklars? Who gave you the marklar to call?"

MARKLAR: "Well, who do you think?"

KYLE: "What?"

MARKLAR: "If you're right and this was all just a marklar, who had the most to gain?"

KYLE: "Huh?"

MARKLAR: "What marklar has had it out for the marklars more than just about any other marklar?"

KYLE: "You don't mean...?"

MARKLAR: "Yes."

KYLE: "Oh my God! So it was..."

MARKLAR: "That's right: [dramatic pause and close-up on his face] Marklar!"

[Kyle gasps and looks stunned. Stan, staring at Kyle, looks at him quizzically. END SCENE.]

SCENE 13: Hitler and Cartman pre-rally

[Hitler and Cartman are at yet another venue, this one outdoors, discussing the upcoming event. Hitler is reviewing material on his computer tablet, and Cartman is going through merchandise.]

CARTMAN: "Well, this event is going to attract about 100,000, Mr. Hitler. Now, there's still a strong current of opposition out there. In case there's any security issues, we've gotten some volunteers to help out with crowd control. I gave them all these brown shirts to wear, just so we can know who's on our side."

[Cartman holds up a brown T-shirt which has graphics on it making it look like a collared, button-up shirt a la the Sturmabteilung "brownshirts".]

HITLER: "Ja, das ist gut."

CARTMAN: "Just thinking ahead, Mr. Hitler."

HITLER: "Please, ve are friends, fat little American. Please to be calling me, 'Fuhrer'."

CARTMAN: "Bien sur! Mucho gusta! Now, this is another theatre in the round, so the audience will be standing on all sides of the stage. To facilitate such a large crowd, there will be four entry gates which attendees will funnel through, and a simple left turn from any one of them will get them the viewing area, located in the center. We're going to hang maps everywhere so people understand how to get in."

[Cartman holds up a 'map' that looks remarkably like a swastika.]

CARTMAN: [tracing his finger from one branch of the swastika to the center] "See, people enter nyah, and follow along turning left, and arrive at the stage nyah."

HITLER: "Gut, sehr gut."

[Kyle and Stan run up to Hitler.]

KYLE: [out of breath] "Wait, Hitler! Stop!"

HITLER: "Ja, vas ist it?"

CARTMAN: "Hey! What the fudge!"

KYLE: "It was you! You're the one who called the Marklars and told them that Xenu was hiding out with the Jews!"

HITLER: "Vas? Nein!"

CARTMAN: "What! Xenu? Marklar what?"

STAN: "And then you gave them your own phone number to pass along to the Gelgameks!"

CARTMAN: "Gelga-what? Get the fudge away from my client, you filthy Jew!"

[Hitler looks surprised, pauses. Then his demeanor becomes serious.]

HITLER: "Ja, it vas me. I used the forgotten intergalactic phone tree to make it look like someone else had put me up to it. But I knew the Holocaust was a suicide mission, so as I killed the Jews I spread misinformation about it, ensuring that people in the future would always question whether it even happened. Someone in the future was bound to be foolish enough to resurrect me in ze old Indian Burial Ground up ze road. And so I would live again and complete my destiny: to destroy the Jews and take over the world, though not necessarily in that order. Und no von vould have known about it, if it veren't for you meddling kids! Regrettably, I did not count on you being able to speak Marklar!"

STAN: "So you're the one who made up Xenu and Scientology!"

HITLER: "Vas? Nein, Xenu is real! He killed hundreds of billions of people after tricking them into having their income taxes audited. Gott in Himmel, vas are zey teachink you children in school zees days?"

STAN: "Oh, Jesus Christ. But he wasn't hiding out among the Jews!"

HITLER: "Nein, das vaz ein useful embellishment zat you have exposed too late. Mit ze fat little American's help, I am ze master of media in your time as I vaz in mein own! Zoon I vill be on ze Oprah to zell my book!"

[Hitler holds up a copy of "Mein Koncentration Kampf". Stan and Kyle look shocked. Kyle then furrows his eyebrows.]

KYLE: "Wait a minute. Dude, Oprah doesn't have a show anymore."

CARTMAN: "She doesn't?"

KYLE: "Nope."

CARTMAN: "Oh, crap."

HITLER: "No matter, vor my book tour will still conquer all!"

STAN: "Book tour? Nobody buys books anymore, they download them. The only people in line for your book are a bunch of inbred neo-Nazi hicks who can't read."

[Cut to book line, depicting a bunch of inbred neo-Nazi hicks who can't read. One is wearing a hat with a swastika on it and a T-shirt that says, 'Charlie Chaplin is My Aeroplane' depicting people riding a flying Charlie Chaplin. Cut back to Hitler and the boys.]

HITLER: "No matter, for I am on ze KopfBokken!"

[Hitler holds up his tablet, displaying his FaceBook page.]

KYLE: "We already Tweeted everyone what an intergalactic a**hole you are! Nobody's going to like your FaceBook page!"

[Hitler browses his FaceBook page on his tablet.]

HITLER: [concerned] "Vy iz nobody liking Hitler? [pouting] Awww, I friended you, vy you no friend ze Hitler back?"

KYLE: "Ha! Nobody's showing up! You've already flamed out!"

STAN: "Yeah, media's not like it was in your day, when some douchebag like you or John Dillinger or Charles Lindbergh could be famous for years on end. These days you're famous for 8 seconds and you're out."

HITLER: "Bah! Hitler is prepared vor everyzing. I am not von of zese untalented, destitute bastards like Tron Guy und Tay Zonday! Before I died, I smuggled avay billions of Deutsche marks. Vonce I retrieve zem, I vill have all ze kapital I require to rebuild mein kult of perzonality und take over ze world!"

KYLE: "Oh, crap!"

CARTMAN: [excited] "Are Deutsche marks money? Guys, what are Deutsche marks?"

STAN: "Wait, didn't they get rid of Deutsche marks?"

KYLE: "Oh, yeah, they only have Euros now."

STAN: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you had to trade them in like 10 years ago. They're all worthless now."

HITLER: [flummoxed, then stumped, then distressed] "Eh, but, we - How, how vill Hitler pay ze rent? How, how vill Hitler pay for ze life to vich he has grown accustomed?"

[Hitler runs over to stage hands.]

HITLER: "Nein! Taken downen diese bunting! Und der hors d'oeuvres! I konnen nicht pay vor all zis crap!"

[Hitler scarfs down a bunch of hors d'oeuvres before being pulled away by stage hands. Focus on Stan, Kyle, and Cartman as Hitler freaks out in the background.]

KYLE: "Well, this was pointless."

STAN: "What do you mean?"

KYLE: "We spent all this time trying to discover who caused the Holocaust, only to find out it was Hitler all along."

STAN: "Dude, there's no way we could have known that."

KYLE: "It's a good thing Oprah didn't have a show anymore, or Hitler could have won. How did you not know that, Cartman?"

CARTMAN: [placing his hand on Kyle's shoulder] "Well, Kyle, perhaps it's because I … don't give a crap about Oprah. And perhaps that's because, unlike you, I don't have a vagina."

KYLE: "F**k you, a**hole."

[Kyle and Stan leave. Hitler approaches Cartman.]

HITLER: "Little fat American, mein freund, vas has happened? Vere have all ze crowds gone?"

CARTMAN: "Well, it seems you just couldn't hold their attention."

HITLER: "But, I am history's greatest murderer."

CARTMAN: "Mmmm-maybe. I mean, let's face it, you're no Xenu. It's not like anyone's inventing a religion based on stopping you. There's just no sense of urgency about you anymore, you know?"

HITLER: "But, fat little American, you vill stay vis me, yes?"

CARTMAN: "No, it looks like it's time for me to be moving along."

HITLER: "But, you are mein biggest fan, ja?"

CARTMAN: "Oh sure, Hitler, baby. But, I mean, who have you killed lately?"

HITLER: "Vell, nobody."

CARTMAN: "Exactly: nobody. Look, give me a call when you're back on your feet and you've killed a few million people. Here's my card."

[Cartman hands Hitler a card and leaves.]

HITLER: "Zees ist ein poop swatch."

[END SCENE.]

SCENE 14: Hitler's new day job

[Cut to busy hotel kitchen. Camera pans across kitchen, eventually settling on Hitler.]

HITLER: "OK, Hitler, you can do zis. Zuck it up, it's just until zomebody buys your screenplay."

[Hitler, dressed as a waiter and carrying a tray of hors d'oeuvres, leaves the kitchen and enters a banquet hall where a bar mitzvah is in full swing. The Jewish patriarch, Dr. Finkelberger, walks up to Hitler.]

DR. FINKELBERGER: "Finally, it's about time! I thought you got lost back there. Look, David's little brother threw up in the stairwell. It was just too much excitement for him. Go get some paper towels from the back and clean it up."

HITLER: [smiling and speaking through clenched teeth] "Ja, Dr. Finkelberger. Das ist mein pleasure."

[Dr. Finkelberger walks off. Hitler hangs head, groans in defeat. END SCENE.]

[FINI.]