So I've decided to redo this story. It's one of my favorites and it just needed to be redone. I hope you guys like it as much as I do.

Warnings: deaged!Sam, Violence. Warnings to come as I redo the story.

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Bending over the toilet Sam felt his body heave trying to get rid of everything in his stomach. The bad part was that he no longer had anything in his stomach after not being able to keep anything down for days. He really hated getting sick.

He could still remember being held up in a motel room or whatever apartment they happened to be staying in while Dean and Dad went out hunting or working. All he got to do was lie in bed and stare at a sometimes working TV or reread books that he had had for most of his life.

At least that's what it was like when he was able to stay alone by himself. Before that he either stayed with Bobby or he sat in the Impala while they hunted. Sitting in the back of a cold car waiting to see if his family was alive was not the best thing to do when sick.

They were usually there at night so the cold just added onto his sickness. It wasn't as if he could have the car running for the heater. Not only was it a waste of battery it was also not a good idea to have that much noise going on. It was all to easy to track the sound of an idling engine.

Not that it was all bad. He could remember Dad wrapping him up in all of his warmest clothes while Dean stripped all the beds. After that the three of them went to the car and built a bed in the backseat. He always ended up cuddled so tightly. It was one of the best feelings that he knew.

Sam had always loved being curled under blankets. Even in the middle of summer he'd sit in front of the air conditioner just so he could be under blankets. It wasn't often that he got to do that but it was a treat every time. One he knew both his Dad and Dean knew about and took into consideration when they moved to a new place.

They were never really able to do anything about that though. At least not often. It was normally something that only happened if it had been a particularly bad move. A little something to show him that Dean was thinking about him. It made him feel a little less like he was just a waste of space to the older man.

In the back of his mind he knew that he was being ridiculous. Dad loved him and Dean. He had just been pretty much destroyed after Mom died and it had taken a toll. As much as he loved them both he didn't really know what he was supposed to do anymore. He wanted them safe and that was his main though process. Not the best way to show love to two small children.

Still he liked to think that he and Dean turned out well. At least well enough for growing up as hunters. He used to think about what his life would've been like if he grew up as a normal kid. The thought was as appealing as it was terrifying. No matter how he spun it growing up 'normal' always ended with him losing part of himself.

As much as he hated his life he knew that he wouldn't be him if he grew up any other way. He would gladly walk away from that part of his brain process if it meant keeping the life he had now. It had taken him a long time to get to this point in his life and he was actually pretty proud of himself for that.

There was one thing that he couldn't stop dreaming of. He missed being the little brother more than anything. He wasn't exactly sure when it happened, but his relationship with Dean was nothing like it used to be and it broke his heart to know that not only was it his fault but that he was probably never going to get it back.

It hurt to know that he was never going to be Dean's little brother again. That's all he wanted now. To be the little brother that he used to be. A time when Dean tried his hardest to protect him even when he didn't need it. Hell, the older man was more like his parent than he was a brother.

Shutting his eyes Sam braced his hands on the toilet and tried to stand up. He got halfway up before a wave of dizziness hit him. Gasping he grabbed onto the sick to stop from falling over. He opened his mouth to call out for. Dean only to snap it sheet. He could do this alone. He had to.

Once he had his footing he looked into the mirror. He knew he looked bad, but he found himself wondering if he could fake being well enough for them to get back to work. Six days of them in a motel room doing nothing was enough to have Dean climbing the walls looking for something to do.

Shaking his head Sam splashed some water on his face knowing that there was no way he could hunt. Which meant Dean wasn't going to leave for a hunt. Which meant Dean wasn't going to leave. It felt horrible to have a shadow of a big brother around him so much. Especially since this was the exact situation he'd normally go all 'mother hen' on him.

Taking in a steady breath he turned to the door trying to act as if he wasn't as sick as he was. He wasn't exactly sure why he felt the need to fake being healthy but he did. There wasn't really a reason for him to not to. As of late there wasn't really a reason for him to do much at all.

"Finally done?" Dean questioned form the table not looking up from the laptop.

"Think so," Sam replied his voice little more than a growl from all the abuse.

"Good. You think you can eat?"

"No."

"Than I'll go to the diner by myself."

Before Sam could reply Dean shut the laptop and left the room. He stared at the closed door for a moment feeling even worse than he did before. It was sad to think that he'd give practically anything to hear the man call him Sammy. He missed that stupid nickname more than anything.

Licking his dry lips he climbed under the blankets. His body shook as he coughed. He felt awful and for the first time in his life he was completely alone. That was not a feeling that he had thought he'd ever get used to. Though it looked as if he would have to soon.

"I'm sorry, De," Sam whispered as he felt himself be dragged under, "I'm sorry for everything."