A/N
This takes place just before Tino's Secret Admirer and during Arthur's Secret Admirers, but it doesn't really matter. lol
Mathias bit his lip as he stared at the laptop screen. It was a website called "Hetalia's Secret Admirers". He's heard about it from some friends before, and finally decided to check it out. Apparently, it's this huge trend going around campus where people will write confessions or messages to their crush or whatever. You can list yourself as anonymous or not, and you don't even have to know the name of the recipient! Some people use this as a way of finding out somebody else's name.
Mathias scrolled down the homepage looking at all the messages. Most were from an anonymous secret admirer but there were some to friends or other random people. There was even one to a professor asking for less homework!
He scrolled back up to the top and looked at the top bar which had four tabs: "Home", "About", "FAQs", and "Submit". He clicked on "About" even though he already knew that basic gist of the site.
He quickly read through the description, learning that the site's creators were also anonymous. Everything about the site seemed anonymous, not even the creators would be able to know who submitted the messages. They only thing they do was check it for inappropriate content and then upload it exactly as is to the site.
After only hesitating for a moment, he clicked on the "Submit" tab. It came up with a blank box to write the message and a "submit" button underneath.
Mathias swallowed hard. Yeah, never mind. He totally couldn't do this. Not yet anyway. Maybe when he's like 35 and alone with three cats. Yeah… sounds like a good plan.
He quickly closed out of the webpage and took a few relaxing breaths.
Yep, there was no way in hell he would ever do that.
Mathias found his friends sitting by the windows, already starting to eat. Berwald Oxenstierna had been his friend since they were kids. They used to be neighbours but then Berwald's family moved to the other side of the town. In middle school, their relationship became strained as they both got prouder and more controlling (well, at least on Mathias' side). They fell out of their friendship quickly, but it wasn't until their freshman year of highschool that they actually got into an argument so heated, it resorted to physical blows.
Sophomore year was when things changed. There was a new kid in their class – Lukas Bondevik. The moment Mathias laid eyes on him, he knew he was in love. Lukas was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen. Fair skin and thin, straight, light blond hair. Beautiful eyes that resembled the depths of the ocean and a smooth, relaxing voice. He was perfect.
The problem was? He was friends with Berwald.
It took a long time for Mathias to get his relationship where they were today. Thanks to Lukas' arrival, his friendship with Berwald had been reestablished, although it will never be quite the same as it was when they were kids. Luckily, they all ended up going to the same college, and that helped as well.
Mathias grinned at his friends as he sat down next to Lukas at the table.
"Hej guys! How's it goin'?" he asked happily.
Berwald nodded in response, never one for speaking.
"Fine, I suppose," Lukas replied monotonously while still paying more attention to his food. How did Mathias end up with the two shyest people in the school as his best friends anyway? Ah right, Lukas was hot.
He blushed as he remembered what he almost did last night. Oh god, he was so glad he didn't. He didn't think he'd ever be able to face Lukas again.
"That's good! How did Music History go, Berwald?" Mathias snickered. Berwald blushed and glared at Mathias as Lukas rolled his eyes.
It was no secret between them that Berwald harbored a huge crush on a classmate that sat in front of him. The Swede still didn't know his name, but he was determined to find out. Most likely, Berwald would never gather up the courage to talk to him.
"Shu' up," Berwald finally said and Mathias just laughed.
"Dude, just try talkin' to him!" Mathias pushed but Berwald shook his head.
"There's no way in hell he'd ever do that, Mathias," Lukas said. "He's too awkward." Berwald shifted his glare to Lukas and Lukas just stared back unflinchingly.
"True that," Mathias added before taking a large gulp of root beer. "Though… have you ever heard of that secret admirer site that everyone's talkin' about?" Of course Mathias knew what it was called, but he couldn't let his friends find out about that.
"Hetalia's Secret Admirers?" Lukas snorted. "It's a site for cowards. I don't understand why anyone would want to even receive one of those." Mathias deflated on the inside. Ouch. Welp, yep… guess it was a good thing that he didn't… yeah…
"But it's romantic!" Mathias defended before inwardly beating himself up for nearly revealing what he almost did.
"I suppose, but they're meaningless aren't they? I mean, you can respond back but they'll never receive a response from the admirer in return. It does nothing. Arthur agrees."
Mathias scoffed. "What does that guy know anyway?"
"Well considering he gets one of those every day from an admirer, I'd say plenty."
Mathias waved his hand brushing it off. "So? That doesn't mean anything!"
Lukas rolled his eyes.
"Wha's tha'?" Berwald finally spoke up, disrupting the conversation.
"What's what?" Lukas asked.
"You mean Hetalia's Secret Admirers?" Mathias asked at almost the same time as Lukas.
Berwald nodded. "I've heard 'f it, bu' wha' is it?"
"Oh, it's a website where people can submit confessions or messages or whatever," Mathias quickly responded.
Lukas looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Have you been to it?"
"No! Of course not! I just heard about it from my friends!" Mathias said while slowly wanting to sink through the floor at the same time. Idiot!
"It's anonymous?" Berwald asked unsurely.
"Well, yeah. I mean, the 'secret' part of 'Secret Admirers' gives that away," Mathias said matter-of-factly. Berwald rolled his eyes.
"Wait…" Lukas started eyeing Berwald suspiciously. "Don't tell me you're thinking about it…"
The Swede just shrugged and looked away with a blush. Mathias laughed at their reactions. On the inside, he was actually elated. Not because Berwald was finally growing some balls, but because he wasn't the only one thinking about doing it.
That night saw Mathias staring at his laptop again, with only the light from the screen illuminating his face. He scrolled through, reading the new letters. He even recognized a few names: Arthur and Antonio.
Taking a deep, calming breath, he clicked on the "submit" tab. The blank box that pulled up was intimidating to say the least. It symbolized his empty and alone life (whether that was now or the future he didn't know). It was a blank canvas that might allow him to re-write and change his life. It was a cruel god…
Mathias shook his head and blinked. What the heck was he just thinking? Maybe he should've gone into philosophy rather than marketing… nah. No freaking way.
He took a deep breath and stared typing.
Lukas
He paused. If he kept it at that would it be too familiar? Plus, Lukas was a popular name. Maybe his Lukas won't know it's for him?
Lukas Bondevik,
Okej… yeah… good start.
Now what?
Well obviously he had to say how he feels, but he can't just come out and say "hey, Lukas, I love you! I have since highschool!" Ha, no way. First of all, that would give him away almost immediately. Secondly, the "love" part might be a bit too much (even though it was nothing but the truth) and scare him off. He needed to be a bit more subtle.
You are a cutie
It's true, Mathias supposed. Lukas was freaking adorable, especially when he blushed. God! He wished he could be there when the cutie read his letter! (And at the same time, he wished he could be on the other side of the world.)
What should he write next? He still wanted to be truthful while not giving away his identity. Maybe he should write something about talking to the sexy Norwegian. That way Lukas would know he's actually interested in "meeting" him, and that this wasn't some meaningless confession as he thought! And besides, it wasn't totally a lie… Lukas doesn't talk very much, so Mathias would like to know even more about him.
and I wish I could talk to you.
Anything else he should add? Mathias' brain was drawing a blank. It was concise and to the point – just the way Lukas like things. Maybe he should just leave it as it is…?
Mathias re-read it. Yeah… no. It was absolute crap, wasn't it? Oh well. This was why he preferred to talk aloud over writing. His writing sucked. Maybe he should've gotten Berwald to write this…?
Before he could change his mind and delete the cruddy letter, he signed it with An admirer at the bottom and clicked "submit".
Lukas Bondevik,
You are a cutie and I wish I could talk to you.
An admirer
Mathias closed his eyes and leaned back in the desk chair with a sigh. That… was horrible…
Why did he have to send it!? Now it was too late! Maybe Lukas won't ever see it, after all he didn't like the site anyway.
He shook his head trying to rid himself of those negative thoughts. Now was not the time to give up! He just confessed (sort of) to his crush after all!
It was not the end of the world.
Mathias could only assume it failed.
When he saw Lukas the next day, the Norwegian acted the same as usual and made no mention of it. Mathias even tried bringing up the site casually in conversation again but Lukas shot it down and Berwald wasn't interested. Great…
Well, maybe Lukas just hadn't seen it yet. After all, it hadn't even been a full day since he'd submitted it. Or maybe, Lukas was shy about responding back and that's why he hadn't done it yet! Mathias decided to give it a few days before he checked his letter's progress.
He lasted two days.
He couldn't wait any longer, he had to know! It was driving him crazy! (He was lucky neither of his friends noticed any strange behavior from him.)
Quickly, he brought his laptop onto his lap while he was sitting on the bed in his room. He couldn't risk anybody seeing what he was about to do, and that included his roommate, Lars DeGraaf, even though the Dutchman never cared what Mathias was doing on a usual basis. Plus, Mathias wasn't willing to wait for Lars to leave, even if he wasn't paying attention from the other side of the room anyway. He was too busy working on a project for his economics class (which was also his major).
When Mathias opened the site, he ignored all the new posts as he scrolled down the page to find his own short masterpiece. Where… was it… ah! There it was!
With two comments!
Lukas Bondevik,
You are a cutie and I wish I could talk to you.
An admirer
3 people liked this
Vlad tagged Lukas Bondevik
Vlad commented: WoooO! LukAaaaS! ;D
1 person liked this
Elizaveta Héderváry commented: Nice!
Mathias sighed heavily. That was it? Seriously? Did Lukas even see it? He was tagged by Vlad so surely he must've, right?
He sighed again and started to slowly scroll back up to the top of the page. Maybe he should just submit-
Mathias
-another…
He paused in both his scrolling and thoughts. Did he just… see his name…?
He scrolled back through the posts he passed, reading the beginning of each one for his name. Which was ridiculous by the way. Who would write him one? He was being stupid.
Well, that's what he thought right before he found it.
Mathias Køhler,
I know I'm a coward for doing it this way, but I'm in love with you. After all this time I cover it up out of fear. Fear of what exactly? I'm not quite sure myself. Rejection? Possibly. Change? Maybe. But most likely due to me acting unlike myself and actually telling how I truly feel. Like I said, I'm a coward.
Nevertheless, I felt as if you should know. You deserve to know since you, yourself, are so open and honest. It is only fair that I am honest too.
Your Secret Admirer
Mathias swallowed thickly and let out an embarrassed squeak. He could feel his entire face on fire. Oh god, somebody had a crush on him? And look at how well it was written! That's how Mathias should've written his.
He felt his heart drop to his stomach and the embarrassed smile fell off of his face. Shit… someone had a crush on him… and he already wrote a message to Lukas confessing his feelings!
Mathias groaned. He felt sick… what should he do? He still loved Lukas after all, but he felt bad that the person who wrote this would never have their feelings reciprocated.
Maybe they won't have to know…?
Mathias could just pretend he never saw the thing, that way he wouldn't have to respond back and break their heart. He felt bad that he had to ignore such a flattering letter, but it was for the best.
On the other hand, whoever wrote this was really good at writing… better than he was at least. It just wasn't fair!
Oh well, this was just what he'd have to do. His love for Lukas was just too strong.
Although that's what he told himself, Mathias just couldn't get that sweet letter out of his mind. A traitorous part of him couldn't help but think that maybe he didn't deserve Lukas. After all, his message was utter shit in comparison. What was he thinking saying that he basically never talks to his best friend? Seriously? Whoever wrote that nice letter to Mathias deserved happiness more than he did. But then again, would they really be happy with someone who was in love with someone else? Ugh, all of this thinking was hurting Mathias' head!
He sighed. Besides, it's been several days since Mathias received his letter, and there's been absolutely no activity on the one he wrote to Lukas. Not even a like. He doesn't even know if Lukas saw it! On the other hand, the one Mathias got had gotten a lot of attention. Apparently people like letters that are longer and have more depth – which really shouldn't be a surprise.
After much consideration and agonizing thought, Mathias decided.
He needed help.
But from who? The obvious choice was his best friends.
Lukas was the first to cross his mind, but was eliminated just as quickly for obvious reasons. So, that left his childhood best friend, Berwald.
Mathias groaned. As much as he really didn't want to get Berwald involved (and as much as he thought Berwald didn't really want to get involved as well), he did need somebody to talk to.
But why Berwald? Why did his best friend still have to be that guy? What if Berwald laughed at him or, worse, told Lukas? Berwald and Lukas were close for friends… too close. It made Mathias worry. Then again, if he told Berwald, Berwald might back off of Lukas knowing that Mathias has claimed his territory. Mathias was the king!
Mathias shook his head and huffed a laugh. What was he thinking? Berwald had a crush on that guy in his class, not Lukas. Lukas was safe from that guy and was Mathias' to crush on all he wants.
Mathias giggled.
"Would you shut up!?" Lars groaned at close to 3 in the morning. "I'm trying ta sleep!"
"Sorry, Lars," Mathias said, peeking his out of under his blanket to smile innocently at his glaring roommate.
"Just go ta sleep," he grumbled before turning to face the wall, muttering angrily to himself.
Lars was right. He should just go to sleep and worry about it tomorrow.
"Hej Berwald!" Mathias slightly nervously (which means he also said it a bit too loud) as he came up to the Swede studying alone at a table at the library. They were on the ground floor so they didn't really need to be quiet, but people still gave them glances due to Mathias' volume.
"How's it goin' buddy?" Mathias asked with a grin as he slid into the seat across from him.
Berwald gave the Dane a brief glare before going back to his reading "Wha' d'ya want?"
Mathias pouted. "Why do I need a reason to sit with my best buddy?"
Berwald stared at him hard for a long moment.
Mathias squirmed a bit before finally giving in. "Okay, okay, fine. I need a bit of help with somethin'." He reached into his backpack to pull out his laptop and turned it on.
Berwald furrowed his eyebrows. "Help with homework?"
Mathias snorted at the image of Berwald helping him with his homework. "Nah, here, I'll show ya," he replied back while logging on to his laptop. He quickly found the letter he got on the Hetalia's Secret Admirers website, then he turned the laptop to show Berwald.
"Have you seen this?" Mathias said.
Berwald hesistated for a moment before saying, "Ya got one? Looks nice…"
"Ja…" Mathias grumbled. Of course it looks nice! Much better than the other dribble on there… like Mathias' own letter. God, he wishes he could go back to that day and punch himself before he could hit the submit button.
"Ya don't want one?" Berwald asked, interrupting his thoughts.
"It's not that…" Mathias scrolled down to the one he wrote. "See this one?"
Berwald quickly read through it, confused. Then he looked at Mathias for an explanation. "Lukas…?"
"Ja…," Mathias quickly glanced around the library before leaning in to say quietly, "Y'see, I wrote it."
Berwald paled and looked back and forth between Mathias and the letter. "Are ya… serious?"
Mathias nodded. "I've had this huge crush on Lukas the moment I met him in highschool, and when I finally get the nerve to confess, I get an admirer! What am I supposed to do!? So far I've just been pretending to not see the letter I got. What, ah, what do ya think?"
Berwald stared at Mathias for a moment before running a hand through his hair and mumbling a Swedish curse word under his breath.
Mathias leaned back in his chair and said, "That's what I say, whatever you just said. So, what do you think I should do?"
Berwald opened his mouth to respond but didn't say anything and finally just ended up closing it. After a few moments, he shook his head and said, "Ah… have no idea…"
Mathias groaned and closed his eyes. "That's what I figured…"
Mathias stared blankly up at the ceiling of his dorm room. He didn't know how long he'd been in this position laying on his back on his bed. It was actually quite surprising that he could sit still for this long, but he just felt so defeated.
Was Lukas really that worth it?
Yes, Mathias decided immediately without hesitation, he was. It didn't seem like it, but Lukas was an amazing person. Extremely caring and kind. He worries about his little brother and shows concern for his friends in his own special way. Not to mention, he's adorable. He loves butter, coffee, and small animals, especially rabbits. He likes fairytales, like Mathias, and playing the violin outside.
Lukas may not be the most sociable or outwardly loving person in the world, but that wasn't what Mathias wanted anyway. He liked Lukas for who he is, grumpy and seemingly uncaring personality and all. He didn't need someone who was just like himself, Mathias wanted Lukas.
So, yes, Lukas was really worth all of this agonizing thinking Mathias has been doing lately. And agonizing it was. Mathias hates thinking… he was more of a do-it-now kind of guy. He liked taking action rather than thinking about them.
He furrowed his eyebrows as a thought came to him. If he didn't like thinking so much, then why was he doing it now? Action over thoughts always worked in the past. So, why couldn't he do the same now?
Well, the answer was pretty simple actually. It was Lukas.
He can't just rush things with him! What if Lukas rejected him? Or worse?
Mathias couldn't risk it, not with his best friend.
But… then again… thinking hasn't really worked so far, has it?
So far all it's done is write a crappy letter.
Is he making this too complicated?
Mathias looked over at Lars who was quietly working on his laptop at his desk.
"Lars? Am I over thinking this?"
Lars sighed and looked up at Mathias. "What?"
"Am I over thinking this?"
"I don't even know what you're thinking about but probably."
Mathias raised an eyebrow. "How do you know?"
Lars glanced at the time on his computer and said, "Because you've been silent for about 15 minutes."
"Oh."
"Look," Lars started, turning in his chair to face Mathias more fully. "I don't know what's going on, but I think you should just tell him."
"What?"
"Lukas right? You talk about him all the time so I just assumed. Anyway, he seems pretty dense when it comes to feelings so I think you should just tell him directly." Lars shrugged and turned back to his laptop. "Up to you though."
Mathias gaped at him as he processed Lars' words. Hetalia's Secret Admirers sure was a good start, but nothing beats asking directly. And Lukas likes direct.
He jumped up from his bed as he made a decision.
He should to talk to Berwald.
Again.
Mathias practically ran to the library. He knew Berwald would be there. Especially with a big exam coming up that he was studying for. In fact, he probably didn't want Mathias interrupting his study time… oh well, this was way more important.
Mathias went up to the second floor to begin his search. He knew Berwald probably wouldn't be on the first floor since there weren't as many study tables.
He walked along the tables of the second floor until he found Berwald's backpack and laptop sitting alone at a table near the back. But for some reason Berwald wasn't there.
Mathias looked around to see if he could spot his friend, but didn't see the tall blond anywhere. Well, at least nearby. Maybe he was checking out a book? This was a library after all. He went into a nearby aisle in between the bookshelves and walked up and down the aisles.
This was going to take forever! There were like fifty million aisles in this library! Maybe he was just in the bathroom? The dude has his needs too.
Just as Mathias thought that, he heard a familiar voice. He quickly peeked around the corner, only to pull back in fear of being seen.
Lukas was there!
Well, Berwald was there too… but Lukas! It was Lukas' voice he recognized!
Mathias grinned to himself. The appearance of Lukas always made his day brighter. Was that a contradiction though since Lukas always acted so gloomy? Nah.
"Fuck what should I do?" He heard Lukas groan. Was Lukas in trouble? Did Mathias need to go beat someone up? Not that Lukas wasn't plenty capable on his own (trust him, Lukas could beat up anyone he perfectly well wanted to...), Mathias just didn't want Lukas to get his hands dirty. And he has some really nice hands. Perfectly shaped, but not too girly and petite. Just right. And the things he could do with those hands…
Focus Mathias!
Berwald just hummed in response.
"I mean," Lukas continued. He sounded stressed. "There hasn't been any response – at all! Should I make another? Did he even say anything to you?"
Who? Who was he talking about? Say what?
"He isn't even acting different! What do you think I should do, Berwald?"
Berwald sighed. "Maybe ya should jus' talk ta him… he's pretty dense ja?"
Who?! Who's dense? Who does Lukas need to talk to? Why!? This was driving Mathias crazy!
Lukas snorted. "That he is." There was silence for a while before Lukas spoke up again, only this time quieter. "But… I'm not good at this sort of thing… That's why I thought this letter would make things easier."
Letter? Did he send mail recently? People still do that?
Lukas groaned. "Instead, it's making things more difficult. Why can't Mathias be predictable like any other time and respond? Stupid confession. Stupid Hetalia's Secret Admirers. I fucking knew the goddamned site wouldn't work."
Wait, what? Mathias? What?
You could probably actually see the puzzle slowly working itself in Mathias' head.
So… if Lukas is talking about Mathias, then he wrote the letter to Mathias. A letter from Hetalia's Secret Admirers… but Mathias only got one! And that was that really nice one from A Secret Admirer. What? He didn't mean to memorize it.
So if Lukas really did write that letter to Mathias… then that would mean… Lukas is Mathias' secret admirer?
Mathias choked. Honest. He tried to keep quiet though so he almost passed out while trying to keep his coughing down to a minimum. When he gained his wind back and could breathe properly again, he grinned to himself.
Lukas liked him! Honest to god liked him! He was so happy he could burst!
But Lukas didn't know! And he was pretty dense too- wait, did they just call Mathias dense? Well that's rude. He wasn't even there to defend himself. (Even though he technically was… He was just behind a bookshelf).
And Lukas wrote that letter! He wrote it!
Mathias popped out from around the corner and said, "You wrote that letter!?"
Apparently they weren't expecting him at that moment. Lukas practically spazzed out in surprised and his right hand hard against a nearby bookshelf. Berwald even jumped and dropped a book loudly on the floor.
"Mathias!" Lukas gasped. "Wha- how did- were you there the whole time?"
"Ehm, no… only for the last bit," Mathias replied sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. Berwald began to slowly inch away, abandoning his poor book on the ground in between Mathias and Lukas.
"So, you wrote that letter huh? That really nice, long one?" Mathias continued on when Lukas didn't say anything. Berwald inched further away.
Lukas looked away and nodded, embarrassedly.
"Heh, that's funny cause I kinda wrote the one for you… But you probably didn't see it cause it wasn't great or anything…"
Lukas whipped his head around and stared at Mathias with wide eyes. Berwald inched away even more.
"You wrote that letter!? But it said you wished you could talk to me?"
"Yeah cause I suck at talking to you."
Berwald escaped the aisle.
"Look," Mathias began exasperatedly, while running a hand through his hair. "I had this huge crush on you since highschool and the only way I could tell was by writing some crappy letter."
"It wasn't crappy… it was sweet," Lukas mumbled with a heavy blush on his cheeks.
"It was crappy," Mathias pushed. "You didn't even respond."
Lukas quickly looked up. "I didn't respond because I didn't know it was you. I thought it was someone else and I didn't want to be with them. I was pretending I didn't see it…"
Mathias laughed. "That's what I was doing with your letter!"
Lukas smiled. "So basically we suck at this huh?"
Mathias smiled back. "Basically."
"Want to do this the right way?" Lukas asked with a mischievous glint in his eye.
Mathias had no idea what that meant but, "Absolutely."
Lukas took a few steps forward to wrap his arms around Mathias' neck and bring him down slightly so their lips could meet.
After a few long, wonderful moments where Mathias' brain was promptly fried, they separated for air only to go back to making out. Mathias will never go back to what they had before, this was just too amazing.
"Should we give Berwald back his book?" Mathias gasped when they broke again for air.
"Nah he'll come back for it when he's ready," Lukas mumbled against Mathias' lips.
Mathias hummed and went back to kissing Lukas.
A/N
Sorry it's been so long. I wasn't expecting to be so busy but... well, all I do is sleep, read, and work. But I'll try to get to Waterloo soon...
Anyways! I know this wasn't the best thing I've written but I had the idea for about a year now, and I just finally figured out how to end it lol. I also have a great idea for a NedPol in this same universe ;D
Hope you all liked it! Tell me what you think!
Thanks for reading! :D