DETERGENT: The First Lost Episode
CAST: Kenas Detergent
Destiny Tutiani
Thate NeMoc
Celisira Bavecs
Sanchino Fernasandro
Schmoer Nanarkinson
ACT I SC I JOFFEE PT. I
[Lights fade on as Kenas and Thate are arguing over which is better
...Jolt Cola or Coffee. Both enter from Stage Left. Sanchino with a half-
empty bottle of soda enters from the audience.]
Kenas: Jolt Cola is better, Thate, since it has all the sugar and twice the caffeine.
[Holds up a can of Jolt Cola.]
Thate : [Smelling his cup of coffee.] Can you smell it, Kenas? [Breaks into horrible singing.]
The best part of wakin' up is coffee in your cup! Not Jolt Cola.
Kenas: Wrong, Thate! Wrong for the umpteenth...
[Sanchino comes running down the aisle spilling the soda all over the stage.]
Kenas: You idiot! Why'd you spill that all over my floor, Sanchino?
Sanchino: Jzzzt! J-J-J-Joffee...[Shakes and jitters and then goes to normal.] The janitor can clean it up, Kenas.
Kenas: Janitor?! Sanchino, I'm on the 22nd floor...I don't think a janitor should come to clean a little spill.
Sanchino: Jzzzt! You don't say...well, if it's so little, why don't you clean it up?
Kenas: I don't know what that stuff is...could be contaminated.
Sanchino: Jzzzt! It's just Joffee...and I gotta go make some more now.
Thate: Joffee? What the crap is that?
Sanchino: Jzzzt! Still gettin' a buzz from it, it'll pass...Joffee is a concoction confection
comprised of Jolt Cola and coffee...3 times the caffeine and more than enough sugar.
Kenas: Before you go, how much of that...have you had?
Sanchino: 10 liters and I'm clean as a whistle...this stuff flushes my system like nothin' else on the market.
Thate: 10 liters...isn't that a little extreme of a dose? If not, can I have a taste? You know, a sip.
Sanchino: If not for that guy, I wouldn't have tripped onto your floor.
Thate: What guy? This is real life, Sanchino.
Sanchino: Jzzzt! That buzz is still kickin'...and to answer your earlier question...Sorry, man, but
this hasn't been made for anyone but me.
[Sanchino leaves via Stage Left.]
Kenas: Now, there goes one overly-caffeinated skitzo!
Thate: Sure, 'bout that...
[Schmoer enters from Stage Left, looking rather panicked.]
Kenas: Begone, Schmoer! Your pestilence is not welcome here!
Schmoer: Kenas, do you know where Sanchino is? Today is our First Cousin's Second Sister
Twice Removed Son's Neighborhood Friend's Grandmother Who Is Actually Our Mother's Day.
Kenas: No. Nein. Non. Nyet. So long, Schmoer.
Schmoer: I'll be back...Kenas...[Evil laugh and exits Stage Left.]
Thate: Is that even a holiday and...
Kenas: Is that relationship possible? No, Thate, but there is a bigger fish to fry. We need to stop Sanchino
from makin' more Joffee...otherwise, we'll never be able to argue again.
[While the following conversation is occurring, Destiny and Celisira are looking at Kenas and Thate
through binoculars and sneaking/tip-toeing onto the stage from the audience.]
Thate: I see your point, but how? And when are Celisira and Destiny comin' over?
Kenas: You mean Destiny and Celisira...Soon.
Thate: Destiny and Thate sounds better than Destiny and Kenas, c'mon!
Kenas: Destiny's my girlfriend, that's why.
Destiny: Kenas, you're late...I'm leavin'. [Goes to stage right.]
Kenas: That's a closet, Destiny.
Destiny: Just testin' you...
["Weird music" plays as lights fade out.]
ACT I SC II JOFFEE PT. II
[Lights fade back on and the four are still talking.]
Thate: Celisira, why were you sneakin'?
Celisira: Thate, I drank with another man.
Thate: Who? What?
Celisira: Sanchino. Joffee.
Kenas and Thate: Joffee?! Sanchino?!
Destiny: I drank as well. Good stuff. Makes us really, really like him. Well, Celisira and I are leaving.
[Kisses Kenas and Celisira kisses Thate.]
Thate: Do we ever leave your living room, Kenas?
Kenas: Nope, Thate and I blame the government and aliens.
Thate: Frookular!
[Sanchino and Schmoer run in with a paper bag and tug on it.]
Schmoer: The formula is mine, Sanchino. Plus, I have a date tonight!
Sanchino: A date? Who? The Bearded Lady? The formula is mine and was not meant for love, Schmoer!
Kenas: As much as you two bickerin' back and forth is better than you two talkin' to me, I have to say that Joffee must be given away.
[Looks into the audience and points to a person.]
Kenas: Hey kid, want some Joffee? Trust me, it's probably just Pepsi or Coca-Cola.
[If the person says yes, then...]
Kenas: See me after the show.
[If the person says no or does not say anything...]
Kenas: Your loss.
Sanchino: He's right, let's get rid of this drink and start somethin' else...
Schmoer: We still got 12 minutes left of FCSSTRSNFGWIAOM Day.
Sanchino: You're right...let's go...
[Sanchino and Schmoer exit Stage Left.]
Thate: [Looks at his wrist.] Kenas, I gotta go...somethin's bound to come up. See ya tomorrow.
Kenas: Yea, see ya, Thate.
[Lights fade out and "weird music" plays again as the cast comes for the curtain call.]
CAST: Kenas Detergent
Destiny Tutiani
Thate NeMoc
Celisira Bavecs
Sanchino Fernasandro
Schmoer Nanarkinson
ACT I SC I JOFFEE PT. I
[Lights fade on as Kenas and Thate are arguing over which is better
...Jolt Cola or Coffee. Both enter from Stage Left. Sanchino with a half-
empty bottle of soda enters from the audience.]
Kenas: Jolt Cola is better, Thate, since it has all the sugar and twice the caffeine.
[Holds up a can of Jolt Cola.]
Thate : [Smelling his cup of coffee.] Can you smell it, Kenas? [Breaks into horrible singing.]
The best part of wakin' up is coffee in your cup! Not Jolt Cola.
Kenas: Wrong, Thate! Wrong for the umpteenth...
[Sanchino comes running down the aisle spilling the soda all over the stage.]
Kenas: You idiot! Why'd you spill that all over my floor, Sanchino?
Sanchino: Jzzzt! J-J-J-Joffee...[Shakes and jitters and then goes to normal.] The janitor can clean it up, Kenas.
Kenas: Janitor?! Sanchino, I'm on the 22nd floor...I don't think a janitor should come to clean a little spill.
Sanchino: Jzzzt! You don't say...well, if it's so little, why don't you clean it up?
Kenas: I don't know what that stuff is...could be contaminated.
Sanchino: Jzzzt! It's just Joffee...and I gotta go make some more now.
Thate: Joffee? What the crap is that?
Sanchino: Jzzzt! Still gettin' a buzz from it, it'll pass...Joffee is a concoction confection
comprised of Jolt Cola and coffee...3 times the caffeine and more than enough sugar.
Kenas: Before you go, how much of that...have you had?
Sanchino: 10 liters and I'm clean as a whistle...this stuff flushes my system like nothin' else on the market.
Thate: 10 liters...isn't that a little extreme of a dose? If not, can I have a taste? You know, a sip.
Sanchino: If not for that guy, I wouldn't have tripped onto your floor.
Thate: What guy? This is real life, Sanchino.
Sanchino: Jzzzt! That buzz is still kickin'...and to answer your earlier question...Sorry, man, but
this hasn't been made for anyone but me.
[Sanchino leaves via Stage Left.]
Kenas: Now, there goes one overly-caffeinated skitzo!
Thate: Sure, 'bout that...
[Schmoer enters from Stage Left, looking rather panicked.]
Kenas: Begone, Schmoer! Your pestilence is not welcome here!
Schmoer: Kenas, do you know where Sanchino is? Today is our First Cousin's Second Sister
Twice Removed Son's Neighborhood Friend's Grandmother Who Is Actually Our Mother's Day.
Kenas: No. Nein. Non. Nyet. So long, Schmoer.
Schmoer: I'll be back...Kenas...[Evil laugh and exits Stage Left.]
Thate: Is that even a holiday and...
Kenas: Is that relationship possible? No, Thate, but there is a bigger fish to fry. We need to stop Sanchino
from makin' more Joffee...otherwise, we'll never be able to argue again.
[While the following conversation is occurring, Destiny and Celisira are looking at Kenas and Thate
through binoculars and sneaking/tip-toeing onto the stage from the audience.]
Thate: I see your point, but how? And when are Celisira and Destiny comin' over?
Kenas: You mean Destiny and Celisira...Soon.
Thate: Destiny and Thate sounds better than Destiny and Kenas, c'mon!
Kenas: Destiny's my girlfriend, that's why.
Destiny: Kenas, you're late...I'm leavin'. [Goes to stage right.]
Kenas: That's a closet, Destiny.
Destiny: Just testin' you...
["Weird music" plays as lights fade out.]
ACT I SC II JOFFEE PT. II
[Lights fade back on and the four are still talking.]
Thate: Celisira, why were you sneakin'?
Celisira: Thate, I drank with another man.
Thate: Who? What?
Celisira: Sanchino. Joffee.
Kenas and Thate: Joffee?! Sanchino?!
Destiny: I drank as well. Good stuff. Makes us really, really like him. Well, Celisira and I are leaving.
[Kisses Kenas and Celisira kisses Thate.]
Thate: Do we ever leave your living room, Kenas?
Kenas: Nope, Thate and I blame the government and aliens.
Thate: Frookular!
[Sanchino and Schmoer run in with a paper bag and tug on it.]
Schmoer: The formula is mine, Sanchino. Plus, I have a date tonight!
Sanchino: A date? Who? The Bearded Lady? The formula is mine and was not meant for love, Schmoer!
Kenas: As much as you two bickerin' back and forth is better than you two talkin' to me, I have to say that Joffee must be given away.
[Looks into the audience and points to a person.]
Kenas: Hey kid, want some Joffee? Trust me, it's probably just Pepsi or Coca-Cola.
[If the person says yes, then...]
Kenas: See me after the show.
[If the person says no or does not say anything...]
Kenas: Your loss.
Sanchino: He's right, let's get rid of this drink and start somethin' else...
Schmoer: We still got 12 minutes left of FCSSTRSNFGWIAOM Day.
Sanchino: You're right...let's go...
[Sanchino and Schmoer exit Stage Left.]
Thate: [Looks at his wrist.] Kenas, I gotta go...somethin's bound to come up. See ya tomorrow.
Kenas: Yea, see ya, Thate.
[Lights fade out and "weird music" plays again as the cast comes for the curtain call.]