title: Inadequate
pov: 2nd
word count: 1,131
a/n: this is like the first thing i've written over 1000 words and i'm fucking proud of myself. anyways, I was too lazy to post this back on like Thursday so you get it now. again, it's second person because I love writing in second person. read & review pleaaaaase. the feedback last time was amazing. flame me if you want, but i dont think this one deserves flames, if i'm honest.
yes it does mention that pony & johnny are together but i filed it under only johnny because it's not based on their relationship at all.
Inadequate - Unable to deal with a situation or with life
Today is a Thursday. Today is the day you want to die.
Maybe it's expected of you to have these kinds of feelings; you are the emotional wreck of the gang. But these aren't just feelings today, and you're actually planning it all out. Using your head, somethin' Pony always got yelled at for not doing. Darry always said Pony never used his head. It caused a lot of conflict in the Curtis house. Darry hit him once when he'd fell asleep in the lot with you. Thankfully, you talked Pony out of running away. That kid has so much to live for. Not like you know what that feels like.
It's not like your mind was pure and clean of thoughts like this. You'd considered offing yourself more times than you could count, and there are so many things that trigger them; you'd have to lock yourself in a metal box to get away from all of 'em. Pony always tries, though, that damn kid tries so hard to keep you happy. Maybe that's why you love him so much. You never think about it like that, though. Sure, you guys are kind of together, but you'd never opened up to him about your feelings. They were just assumed, and that's the way you both like it. You've never been one to talk much.
The slightest things can change the way you think in a split second. Dally could yell at you, maybe even look at you the wrong way and everything keeping you alive burned in hell. In that very moment, your entire day could be crushed by some hood that never treated you right in the first place. You still don't understand why you idolize him as much as you do; at this point it don't really matter, huh?
You've had days where the weather has changed your thoughts on life and death. It could get a few degrees colder, or the sky would get a bit greyer, and you thoughts would go to him and the stupid beatings you take day after day because the only thing he knows how to do is beat you until you pass out. And when you wake up, it happens all over again. It's a cycle to you, a cycle you've learned to live with.
Pony wants you to get out, though. He's always sayin' that you guys should just run away together and leave everything else behind you. You won't do it, though, that kid's gonna graduate high school, and then he's going to college so he can do something with his life. You wouldn't dare take that away from him, as much as he's willing to drop everything for you. That kid's like a saint compared to you. You don't understand what Pony sees in you.
Everyone always thought it was Dally, though. They always figured if you fell for anyone, it would be ol' Dal. Why? You'll never know, 'cause they won't tell you. You've heard from Pony that he even thought it'd be you and Dally. That conversation always ends with, "But I'm real glad you picked me instead."
You know Pony loves you, so why do you want to die? Your life can't possibly be that horrible, can it? You ask yourself that every day, and you can't think of an answer to give yourself. Maybe your life is that bad. Maybe Ponyboy doesn't make up for all the wrongs in your life. Maybe he ain't enough.
Which really sucks, 'cause Pony's been your best friend for a while, and he's always understood you better than the rest of 'em. You're the gang's pet, but they only get it when you walk into the Curtis house with bruises tainting every inch of your skin. They don't get nothin' else. Pony does, though, he always has.
Sitting in your room, you debate on the easiest and hardest ways to do it. To go out soft or with a bang; it's a hard choice, if you're honest. You've never gotten anything out of wanting attention. Well, maybe a beating or two, but that's another story. You hear the yelling begin downstairs and you twitch. This is something you should be used to by now, and you're honestly surprised that your mom sticks around, but it defers the beatings that much more, as much as you hate to say it. Your mother is what you use to hide from your father's fists.
Not like you can really hide, though. He'll find you, he'll always find you. Maybe that's why you don't run away with Pony. Because when you think about it, you can go wherever. But your father's gonna find you, and when he does, it'll be worse than anything you could imagine. And in your mind, Pony ends up gettin' hurt, which is more than enough reason to keep him the hell out of this.
You've thought about letting your dad kill you, because he's going to eventually. Eventually is too far away for you right now, though, and your head's spinning so fast you're about to throw up. On one hand, you're asking yourself why the hell you'd want to die. If you really wanted to, you could fix all of this, and it'd take some work, but everything would turn out okay in the end. On the other hand, you've never been one to take the hard road; it's always the easy way out for you.
This leads you to believe one simple fact; you're just done trying.
You're done living as a human punching bag. You're done waking up and praying that it's your last day on earth. You're done with Ponyboy trying to encourage you to just get out.
You start pacing in your room. Is it worth it? When it all comes down to it, you still love your parents. They could beat you into your grave (which they will) and you'd still love them. They're your parents. They do care about you; they just don't know how to show it… right?
And Pony, you can't just leave him. His grades would fail if you just went and offed yourself. You can't do that to the kid. He's gonna be somethin' special one day, you just know it. Hell that kid is something special now. He's already lost his parents, you say to yourself, he can't lose you too.
The gang would be okay, though. There's no doubt in your mind that they'd be upset, but they know what your life's like. It shouldn't come as a shock if you ever did kill yourself. Which, by the way, you're still planning on. Just not any time soon.
Maybe when Pony goes off to college, you think. Then you won't have anything stoppin' you.