A/N: This show is going to kill me. Actually, I'm pretty sure Monday did. I loved this episode and I am going to love where it takes them on their journey! Andrew Marlowe and Co. I tip my hat to you.
It is currently 2am my time. I've been up since 6am yesterday and this is un-beta'd. I say all of that to say, the mistakes and any incoherency is all mine. Please don't hate. It's been awhile since I've written fanfiction. I feel rusty.
Disclaimer: Yeah…not claiming I own them. (Or the dialogue that I took from the episode.)
Her mother always told her not to make rash decisions out of anger. She can hear her mother's voice inside of her head repeating those words that Kate heard so many times during her teenage years, but the advice is now falling flat. There is a ghost of a smile that crosses her lips as her fingers gently hold her badge before she sits it down on Gates' desk.
The words are out of her mouth almost before she can stop them and she's unable to keep the hint of anger from coming through.
"Keep it. I resign."
Kate isn't sure what is she angry about. Not really. Maybe it's the way Gates attacked her decision to keep information hidden and maybe, just maybe she's angry with herself for not listening to Castle, and Ryan, before.
Esposito takes a step towards her and she shakes her head just briefly. This is her decision, not his. And it certainly isn't a decision she wants him to make.
It doesn't take Kate long to clear her desk and it all fits nicely in her NYPD duffle bag. She ignores the buzz of the bullpen around her. There are whispers, looks and more than anything she wants to be way from their critical and ever-watching eyes.
She can't stop herself from looking back at Castle's chair and her body tenses. Everything…everything is a mess.
Before she steps onto the elevator she hears a crash and looks backward to observe Ryan, obviously upset, as Esposito stalks away. They'll make up; she knows they will, eventually. They're good partners and Ryan, well, he was doing what was best. She knows that without him she would have died today. She reminds herself to buy him a drink once the dust settles.
As the anger starts to drain out of her she feels herself closer to breaking down. To letting tears escape and she sighs when the door of the elevator closes and she's finally alone.
It is starting to sprinkle as she steps out of the precinct and it takes all of her remaining strength to not turn back. She has dedicated years of her life to this building and to this cause and knowing that this chapter of her life was ending was not something she was fully ready to accept.
The moment the cab door closes behind her the tears finally escape. The cabbie, a white-haired Santa Claus look-a-like, keeps looking back at her. She sees his mouth open once or twice but Kate is thankful that he decides not to question the hysterical women in the backseat.
Through her sobs she is able to choke out her address and she hands the man a wad of cash when she climbs out and into the now pouring rain. She drops her bag inside her apartment door and stares at the emptiness in front of her. Her makeshift murder board is still erect and she wanders towards it.
Kate bites her nail as she stares at the board. The pictures are the same and the sticky notes are still glaring back at her in a mocking tone. It's another reminder that she failed. She's not sure if she can bring herself to care.
There are too many questions and thoughts rolling around in her head. It doesn't take more than a few seconds for her to make her decision. Gently, as if she was picking up the most delicate substance in the world, she takes the photo of her mother down. The tape is old and dispatches easily from the window. Kate runs her fingers over her mother's face and brings the picture to her lips, pressing it there for a second before ripping it away and grabbing the box that had held all of the evidence to begin with.
Slowly, methodically, Kate removed every piece of the puzzle that had kept her consumed for so long from it's pace and placed it into the box. Castle was right. She needed to let this go.
Once the box was full and taped shut she grabbed it under her arm and moved to store it in the back of the hall closet. Letting go and completely getting rid of it were too different things and Kate could only handle so much at a time.
She let herself head back to her bedroom and stood in front of her dresser watching herself in the mirror for a long time. Her fingers found the chain around her neck until she was holding the ring between her forefinger and her thumb. It was another reminder of what she couldn't do. Of failure and wasted time and she slipped the chain from around her neck.
The tears where falling again as she opened a drawer in her jewelry box and dropped the ring inside.
If she was going to do this she wasn't going to leave anything out.
Her hand reached inside her pocket and pulled out her cell phone, her finger hovering over the button that would connect her to Castle's phone, but when the time registered with her, she moved it.
He would be at Alexis' graduation. She couldn't interrupt him right now.
She shook her head before wandering back out into her kitchen. She stood in front of the fridge, door open, trying to get her mind to decide what it wanted and the only thing that kept registering in her head was one word.
A name.
His name.
Castle.
The silence finally breaking her nerves she grabs her phone and her keys and heads back out into the spring thunderstorm.
She wanders around. No umbrella and getting completely soaked but Kate hardly noticed it. Trying to distract herself she just keeps walking. It isn't until she sees them does she finally let herself delve into her thoughts of him. And the words he spilled to her only a day ago.
"Because I love you."
The lies, the deceit, the betrayal, all of it is being washed away. It's almost as if the rain is cleansing her.
She laughs at herself for being that cliché. She knows he would hate it. He would want to write something more poetic, more original, but she doesn't care. She just wants their story to be written.
She pushed him away for so long. Hiding behind relationships and her job and her mother's murder. Behind her shooting.
But she's tired of hiding. Tired of running. Tired of fighting.
She finds a set of swings. She's not sure if they're the same swings they sat on at the end of last summer when she finally decided that she had to see him, or not. But the symbolism is enough for her.
"I'm more than a partner!"
He's always been more than her partner. More than the annoying kid that tugged on her pigtails. They're friends. Best friends if she is honest to herself. He is the one person that she can trust with anything.
No matter what the past eleven months have been.
She would have done the same thing for him. She can't lie to herself about that. And with that it becomes harder and harder to blame him for the secrets and the deception. If she had to choose between a lie and his life she would choose the lie.
"I'm done."
Those two words are haunting her. Killing her, slowly and painfully.
It's still pouring and she's cold but she doesn't feel it. She stands up from the swing a new and fresh determination in her step to fix it. To fix all of it.
She reaches his building in no time. Running through the empty sidewalks of the city she loves and when she reaches the overhang for his building she slips under it and tries to shake off some of the water that has collected on her.
"Good evening Detective Beckett," Harry, the doorman for Castle's building, greeted her with a smile. "Couldn't find a taxi?"
She shrugs before she answered, "I like the rain."
"Do you want me to ring Mr. Castle?"
"Uh, no," she tells him, stumbling through her response, "I'm just going to go on up. He's…he's expecting me."
The lie rolls off her tongue effortlessly, but she doesn't want to give Castle the chance to turn her away now.
"Yes ma'am," Harry replied with a quick tip of his hat. "Have a good evening."
The building is quiet with the late hour and she is thankful for the elevator ride alone. She pulls out her phone and decides to try calling him. To give him warning or to see if he's even talking to her yet, she isn't sure but she calls anyways.
She isn't surprised when it switches to his voicemail after only three rings. She hesitates only to the end the call as the doors to the elevator opened.
It takes her almost another minutes standing at the door to the loft before she can bring herself to knock and when she does she is grateful that it sounds more confident than she feels.
Her heart is pounding as the time stretches on in front of her between her knock and when the handle starts to turn and she readies herself to face him.
The look on his face when his eyes meet hers makes her stomach drop and she waits for to him say something. Anything.
"Beckett what do you want?"
His voice is deep and gravelly and Kate's heart plummets even further. He's hurt and has decided he's not afraid to show it and it causes a sharp pain to pierce her heart.
She lets out a breath and with it comes the word, "you."
Kate doesn't wait for an invitation into his home but forces her way inside, hands reaching up to him, cradling his face as she rises up on her toes and pulls him towards her to press her lips to his. He is fighting it at first, his arms and hands not sure what to do. He doesn't kiss her back and Kate pulls her mouth from his but leaves her forehead pressed against his. His breath is shallow and she finds her voice again.
"I'm so sorry Castle," she whispered breathily as her hands grip his shoulders keeping them connected. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
The apologies are exiting her on breaths, trying desperately to make him understand. Her hands are on his cheeks again and she moves her lips against his face, not quite on his mouth but not fully off of it either. Rick finds his composure and pulls her away so that they're only touching where his hands are gripping her arms.
There is confusion etched on his face and Kate tries to breathe as she waits for him to speak. He pauses for a moment before his voice fills the room.
"What happened?"
She looks down, but only for a moment. Only to gather her thoughts so she could explain everything to him.
"He got away and I didn't care. I almost died and all I could think about was you. I just want you."
He doesn't interrupt but he doesn't say anything after either and Kate leans in to kiss him again but hesitates. He pulls back slightly, his eyes staring at her with the same intensity that they held the day before. She's not sure how to read it.
Kate brings her fingers up to brush lightly over his face, waiting for him to say something. Do something.
And he doesn't disappoint.
He body rushes towards hers and together they move backwards, the force of their bodies slamming the front door closed. His lips capture hers in a kiss that sends tingles down to her toes and she responds back fervently. His lips are everywhere, her lips, cheeks, neck and she soaks it all in. Her fingers dig into his back, pulling him closer and encouraging him all at the same time.
She has never felt so much all at the same time before. She's not sure she will ever be able to describe the emotions running through her in this moment.
His lips travel down her neck and settle in the valley between her breasts, his lips pressing against the scar through her shirt. He pulls back, panting, just long enough to pop the top button loose and pull back the fabric to show her skin. His eyes meet hers and she nods before she feels his fingers brush the skin there. Kate moves her hand to guide Rick to the scar and their lips meet in a slow and passion filled kiss. When they finally pull away her lips curve upwards and their fingers interlock.
She pulls him from the entryway and leads him towards his bedroom. They pause at the door, their eyes still locked on each other and Kate knows she has to be the one to make the first move again.
She crashes her body to his again and more fiery kisses explode between them. It's all hands and lips and discarded clothing until they're wrapped up in each other and collapsing onto his bed.
Afterwards Kate rests her head on Rick's chest, her fingers tracing random patterns on his bare skin, his hand resting securing on her back, his cheek pressed against the top of her hair.
It had been amazing and more than she could have ever dreamed and the smile that graced her face wasn't even close to fading.
"Kate…"
She shushes him, almost afraid of what words will come out of his mouth. He is quiet for a minute, but his curiosity is not something that can be that easily squelched.
"We're going to need to talk Kate."
Her voice is barely a whisper when she responds and he has to lean even farther into her to hear it.
"I know."
"I just…"
"Rick, please…"
The use of his first name is enough to quiet him again and earns her another kiss to her forehead, the only part of her body his lips can reach without too much movement.
"I have a lot to tell you," Kate continued softly. "But right now, right now I just want to lay here and be with you."
"I'm not going anywhere Kate."
"Good," she responds, "Because I don't want you to. I meant every word Castle. I want you. I want us. This is…this is it for me. I hope that isn't too much for you to here right now, but it's the truth."
"Kate…"
"You don't have to say anything. Really. You said a lot yesterday. And it got me thinking. I just wish it hadn't taken so long for me to figure out."
"It doesn't matter."
"But that's just it," Kate sighed, "it does. It all matters. I'm so sorry."
Rick lets out a slight laugh, "you did say that already."
"It won't ever be enough."
"Hey," Rick interrupted, "you can't think like that. You apologized. I accepted the apology. It's done. Forgotten."
"Lanie's right," Kate replied as she shifts so she can see his face, "you have the patience of a saint."
"Why Detective, you talk about me to your friends?"
His grin held his signature Castle glee and Kate could only laugh.
"I wouldn't be a girl if I didn't Castle."
Her face contorted as she yawned and Castle quickly followed suit.
He glanced over at the clock, "it's getting late so we should probably get some sleep. Breakfast and talk tomorrow morning?"
Kate smiled and reached up to give him another kiss before snuggling into his side again, and answered, "sounds good to me."
"Good," Castle agreed and pulled her as close as he could. It didn't take long for her breathing to even out and he placed another kiss on the top of her head and closed his eyes. "Good night Kate. I love you."
"Love you too Castle," Kate's voice answered sleepily and Castle didn't even try to keep the grin off his face as he fell asleep too.
A/N: I had started this with the intention of making it a one-shot. Part of me feels like I should continue it now and then part of me hasn't decided if I will. I just wanted to get my own version out there. This is just my interpretation of the events we didn't get to see and some emotion behind the ones we did. Hope you enjoy.