The Muggle Song
Kill the Wizards
A/N: This is a song featuring Uncle Vernon leading a drunken mob of Muggles to destroy Wizards when Harry exposes them. This is copyright from Beauty and the Beast. Nothing, absolutely nothing, in this story is mine, except for the changed lyrics, and they're based from the original song. For citation purposes in a desperate attempt of one who has a mortal fear of lawyers to avoid plagiarism: The Mob Song: Kill the Beast. Beauty and the Beast. Disney. 1991. Directed by Kirk Wise and Gary Trousdale. Song by Alan Menken and Howard Ashman. Actor of Gaston; Richard White.
One day, Harry cracked. He's had it with keeping this secret, and letting all the Muggles think he's a criminal. He wants to tell them everything. Despite the warnings from Dumbledore and McGonagall, and threats of expulsion, he left. In disappointment, Dumbledore became hopeless and depressed, and retreated into his office.
In an attempt to sway his mind, Ron followed, only to be captured. Unfortunately, when Harry let the secret out, Vernon was drunk with all his friends at a bridge party. This is what happens when you reveal Wizards still exist when Muggles are drunk.
What happens when you mold all this together, particularly when the Muggles are those who watched and enjoyed Beauty and the Beast? Read and find out…
Vernon:
The Wizards will make out with our children.
They'll rape them in the night.
We're not safe till their dicks are hung up on my wall.
I say we slay the Wizards!
Muggles:
We're not safe till they're slain.
They'll come cursing us in days.
Out to experiment with us for their devilish magical ways.
They'll take over our free nation if we go and let them be.
Vernon:
So, it's time to take some action Brits
It's time to follow me.
Through the park
To the station
Where between nine and ten
It's abnormal but yes, it's really there
Take a gun,
Then you run
In between the two platforms
There are beings nearly impossible to bare
There's a Sorcerer
They got wands
Frigging wood ones.
In the bower
Great power for the murder
See them curse
See them cast
And we're gonna have a blast
Till they're slain
Completely slain
Slay the Wizards
Dialogue:
Harry: No, Uncle Vernon
Vernon: If you're not normal, you're abnormal. Fetch the red head!
Ron: Give my wand back
Vernon: We can't let him have his wand to communicate. We'll scout the nation for these Wizards. Are you all with me?
All: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Drunken Muggles:
Fetch your guns.
Bring your swords.
Vernon:
Put your body armor on
Muggles:
And we're letting Vernon Dursley lead us there
Through the bricks,
'Cross the tracks
Past the deserted countryside
There's a castle and it's neither there or here.
Inside, there are
Wizards! With great power.
We won't quit
Till they're all well and slain
We will cry!
We will chant!
Take some chances,
No we can't
We will never, ever pant.
Dialogue
Vernon: We'll surround the castle and bring back their dicks!
Person A: Ooh, yuck.
Person B: Sick.
Person C: Are you serious?
Vernon: Well, ok, screw that.
Person D: Yeah, damn right, you homosexual pervert.
Person E: When we're finished the Wizards, you're next! Wait, are you a homophobe John?
Whilst the Muggles are arguing about whether John is a homophobe or not, Harry and Ron are locked up.
Harry: We have to warn the staff. Oh, God I feel so guilty.
Ron: Yeah. You should, Harry. You really should.
Drunken Muggles:
They're different
So they're evil,
Just because they're not like us
And besides they are power-house Buzzards
Pack your arms
Do the deed
Slice them, shoot them, make them bleed
And then we'll go and chant our creed
We'll slay the Wizards!
Dialogue:
Snape: I knew it was a lost cause. Potter's run off to the Muggles.
Flitwick: Stop being a prejudiced, Severus. Wait, is that him?
McGonagall: Potter?
Flitwick: No, it's a bunch of Muggles!
Snape: Filth.
McGonagall: They've got our Wizards
Snape: Get the Headmaster. If it's a war they want. It's a war they'll get. Who's behind me on this?
Vernon: Take whatever trinkets you can find. Remember though, the Wizards are mine!
Wizards:
Robes are on
Wands aloft
We will charge the horde of Muggles
Unafraid simply because we're Wizards.
Drunken Muggles:
We are ready
Day is red
This night isn't for bed
And we will fight until they're dead
Slay the Buzzards
Dialogue:
McGonagall: Headmaster
Dumbledore: Leave me be, Minerva
McGonagall: Headmaster. We're being invaded by Muggles!
Drunken Muggles:
Slay the Wizards
Slay the Wizards
Flitwick: We're all going to die!
Sprout: Filius, we have to do something. Try protective Charms.
Flitwick: They're too far in.
Drunken Muggles:
Slay the Wizards
Slay the Wizards
McGonagall: What will be done Headmaster?
Dumbledore: It matters not, Minerva. Let them try…
Drunken Muggles:
Slay the Wizards
Slay the Wizards
Slay the Wizards
And there you have it. Wizards plus Drunken Muggles plus an angry Harry Potter and a hopeless Dumbledore, and a dash of Beauty and the Beast equals a horde of angry drunken Muggles declaring war on Witchcraft and Wizardry. What will happen to the Wizards you may ask? Well, that's another story, isn't it?