Broken
Hurt/Comfort, Tony D. and Ziva D.
Summary: Ziva sees herself as being broken. Tony has nightmares about that very thing. Only after Ziva tells Tony how she sees herself does he realize what her problem is, and how wrong his nightmares were: what she sees as broken is the person she used to be. The woman standing before him is new and more vulnerable, true. But vulnerable does not mean broken. Sometimes it just means growth.
The first crack appeared in the desert hideout, after the "shipwreck." She had been trained to withstand all forms of torture for long periods of time, trained by everyone in her life, even her father. Especially her father. But these people, she could hardly classify them as people. They were relentless, expressing a savage joy in their work. And their work was never done it seemed. The first few days were a haze of memory, images of men with electric rods looming over her burnt into her mind. She didn't know what they wanted from her, but the leader was determined to get it, whatever it was. She had no idea how much time passed when she was a prisoner there, only that it ended when Tony and McGee rescued her. Seeing them had sent a chill of horror through her. Yes, her experience had been painful. More so than she had expected. But she had gone through it knowing everyone she cared about was safe.
She knew they could take care of themselves. She understood that every day they worked at NCIS, one of them might not return. And as much as it pained her, she accepted it. But this was different. If Tony or McGee had been hurt because of her… that was what she couldn't bear. It was the strangest thing, feeling such complete and total relief at seeing them while experiencing dread she had not felt since her childhood.
It had worked out fine. Gibbs had pulled off the shot just in time to save his children, as he always did. They had their lives. But Ziva David lost something that day, something she had started losing the moment she was captured. The calm mask she wore every day of her life became just that; a mask she depended on slightly more than before. For months she felt the difference between the person she used to be and the person she was now. Every member of Gibbs's team had taken time to recover from their time in the desert, and Gibbs was more than willing to let them have it. That time just allowed Ziva to realize how much her collected exterior was cracking. She was losing the ability to hide her emotions, something she had mastered when she was six years old. Joy was not the problem though. Ziva did not care if others saw how happy they made her any more. In fact, it was one of the things that pleased her most these days, seeing Tony and McGee smile at her laughter and jokes. No, it was the pain she needed to be able to hide.
Any pain she felt, she had to express it alone. As an agent under her father she had learned not to depend on anyone else for comfort. Dependence gave her a weakness, something others could use against her. So she learned to grieve alone, holding everything in until she could release it by herself. Only now it felt like a ticking bomb. She felt every minute she held it in take more effort than the last, until she could barely take it anymore and left to explode for a moment.
And Tony knew she was having trouble. Of course he knew; he was the one she had confided in. He was the one she placed her trust in, the one she relied on when she couldn't handle things by herself. He understood that she was changing even when she didn't, and was watching from the background, stepping forward when she needed it. Tony saw only change, Ziva thought. She knew what was really going on, however impossible it seemed.
Ziva was breaking. And she had no idea what the reason could be.
Every case after the desert was like a chisel, widening the crack in her armor. Her teammates could see the person she really was, and seemed to like that well enough. Ziva laughed more and more often, and felt happier than she thought she could ever be sometimes. She also felt more pain than she had ever felt, and for things that did not used to even faze her. Each case drew a more personal connection out of her.
The NCIS team was her family. They had been for years, but it had taken her time in the desert for it to truly sink in. Gibbs was her father. He cared about her every day, and not only if she pleased him. McGee and Abby were her siblings. They were close enough to understand how she needed things to be and help her make them that way. Tony was a different kind of family member: he was her partner.
Tony was the one she could talk about anything with. He was the one who knew how to make her laugh and smile, and the only one who could make her open up. Their bond was something special, something more than friendship but less than romance. Ziva worried that as she started "breaking", that bond would break and Tony would not try to fix it. That she would be an empty shell. Ziva David felt for the first time in her life an almost physical need to share what she went through in the desert after returning to work. She was terrified that she would crack under all the pressure she felt, but all of her previous training kept her from speaking out. She held everything in until she was alone, which was becoming more and more often lately. As much as she tried to deny it, Ziva was changing. But when is change a good thing?
Tony kept his head focused on the work in front of him. Ziva was slipping on her jacket and grabbing her bag from behind her desk. McGee had left an hour before to get some sleep; Gibbs was nowhere in sight.
"Goodnight Tony." Ziva said as she left.
"'Night." He said, discreetly watching her go. She entered the elevator without looking back and stared blankly ahead as the door closed in front of her. Something wasn't right. Ever since the desert Ziva had been more withdrawn, almost as if it was her first year at NCIS again. Tony could see that she was healthy, but every once in a while he glimpsed a different expression on her face, one he hated to see: pain. If Ziva David, the toughest agent he had ever known besides Gibbs, was hurt, something serious was happening. He had worried about her more since their return to NCIS after the desert ordeal more than a year ago.
"Go home, DiNozzo."
Tony jumped when he heard Gibbs's voice. Had Gibbs seen him watch Ziva leave? "Sure thing, Boss." He turned off his computer and shrugged on his coat, casting a quick look at Gibbs.
"Go on." Gibbs coached. "You need your rest."
Tony ducked his head. "Course Boss. See you tomorrow."
"This guy is seriously getting on my nerves." McGee said.
"Take a deep breath McGoo, he has to screw up sometime." Tony said.
"And we'll be there to catch him when he does." Ziva finished.
The Port to Port killer case was as lively as ever with fresh victims, but all Gibbs's team could do was run old tests. EJ was running this case, so tensions were high in the office.
EJ walked in and grabbed keys from her desk. "We've got another victim." She said before walking out. "P2P is back."
Tony rubbed the back of his head in frustration as McGee started typing furiously. "Excuse me." Ziva said as she ducked out of the room. She headed for the elevator with her face down. Tony stepped in just before it closed. "Tony, get out." She said.
"I need to make sure you're okay."
"I said get out!" Ziva exclaimed. The door had closed though, and they were moving.
Tony put his hands in his pockets. "Well isn't someone being a Grinch."
"Tony please."
Tony stopped and looked up. Ziva's voice was desperate and weak, her face still hidden by her hair. "What's wrong?" he asked, all jokes aside.
Ziva looked at him, pushing the hair away from her face. Tears were falling from her eyes and she collapsed against Tony suddenly, almost knocking him down. A moment later she was completely nonsensical, not supporting herself at all and sobbing uncontrollably. She pulled at her hair and Tony slid down the elevator wall, holding her against him as she cried.
He had never seen Ziva lose control like this before. Never. The elevator door slid open and Tony lifted his head to look up. Abby's lab was just down the hall, so he cleared his throat and called loudly, "Abby!"
The woman came running out of her lab with black pigtails bouncing behind her. When she saw the open elevator she gasped. "Tony, what happened? What's wrong with Ziva?"
Ziva had quieted slightly, but she had buried herself against Tony's chest, eyes squeezed shut as she sobbed, half her face hidden in his shirt. "I don't know, Ab. Get Ducky. I'll keep the elevator open."
Abby returned with Ducky two minutes later, Palmer right behind them. "My lord!" Ducky said. "Help me get her up, Mister Palmer." He and Palmer moved towards Tony and Ziva and tried to gently pry her away from Tony, but she pushed them away and clung tighter to him.
Ducky paused. "Tony, I believe you're the only one who can move her. Mister Palmer, assist him, but don't try to force Ziva away."
Tony held Ziva close for a moment. "You're gonna be okay." He whispered into her ear. "Just trust me."
He felt her nod against his chest and started to slowly stand. Ziva kept her arms locked around his neck the entire time, but they eventually made it to Ducky's lab. Ducky went off to the side and returned with a syringe, which he promptly injected into Ziva's arm. Tony held her tighter while she slipped into unconsciousness, then picked her up and set her down on a metal table. He adjusted her and stared at her for a moment before turning to the others. Abby, Ducky, and Palmer were looking at him, waiting for an explanation of what had happened.
"What would make Ziva act that way?" Ducky asked. "I've never seen her lose control like that before."
Tony walked over to them. "One minute she was fine. Then EJ said there was another P2P victim and I followed her into the elevator. I don't know what happened. She just… fell apart."
"Ziva doesn't just fall apart, Tony! Something must have happened, I'll look into everything and test blood samples, and -."
"Abby." Ducky stopped her from working herself up. "There could be a much simpler explanation, my dear. Even if we don't want to believe it." He looked at Ziva's unconscious form on the metal table. "Our powerful Ziva has run out of power. With all of the stress from the Port to Port killer, it is understandable… Ziva is broken."
Tony felt anger rise in him. He turned, ruffled his hair with quick, forceful movements, and walked over to an empty table. Then he yelled and slammed his fist down on it, hanging his head as he took in what Ducky had said.
A few minutes later he felt a hand on his arm and looked up, his eyes deadly. "He's going to pay." Tony said as he looked Abby in the eyes. She just nodded and rubbed his arm soothingly, resting her head against his shoulder. He let her stay that way for a moment before gently shrugging her off and walking out of autopsy. "Whoever the Port to Port killer is, he's going to pay." He said, his eyes burning as he stepped back into the elevator. "Nobody gets away with this."
Tony woke up with a yell, heart pumping and body covered in a cold sweat. It was a dream, he told himself. It was just a dream. Ziva is fine. He raked his hand through his hair and jumped out of bed, walking to his bathroom sink and turning on the cold water. That wasn't the first nightmare he'd had about Ziva. Every time it was a different situation, but the result was the same. Every time Ziva lost control of her emotions and herself, too battered and beaten to fight anymore. Every time she was with Tony when it happened, and every time the ending was the same: Ziva was declared broken, completely changed and helpless for the first time in her life.
He couldn't keep having these dreams. They were tearing him apart, making him study his partner closer each time he had one. He had to admit that he was worried about her. Tony was worried about Ziva's emotional state. He was worried that she was going through more than she let on, and that one day it would be too much for her.
No, he thought. That won't happen.
It was decided. Tony would give her the chance to talk first, and if she didn't, he would. Either way, the two of them needed to talk.
The next morning Tony walked into the room with a bright smile, three coffees in a tray in hand. Ziva perked up as soon as he stepped through the elevator and looked to see who it was. She stood when she saw the coffee and threw an eraser at McGee, who was staring intently at his computer.
"What was that for?" he asked after it bounced off his cheek.
Ziva pointed at Tony, who was standing next to McGee and holding out a coffee. "I can throw this out if you don't want it, Tim."
"No, no, I want it." He grabbed it and took a long sip. "Thanks, Tony. I needed this."
Ziva took her coffee and went back to her desk. "Not sleeping well, McGee?"
Tony raised an eyebrow playfully. "Getting a little late night action with a pixie, McGeek?"
McGee cast him a look. "No, Tony. I just haven't gotten much sleep the past few days. My bed doesn't seem as comfortable for some reason lately."
"Buy a new mattress McGee." Gibbs said as he walked in. "Just not now. There's a body waiting for us at the park."
Ziva stood and threw her coat over her shoulder. "Any connection to the Port to Port Killer?"
Gibbs grabbed his coffee and keys and walked to the elevator, his kids a few steps behind him. "We'll find out when we get there."
Tony took camera duty with Ziva while McGee and Gibbs processed the body. Ducky would be arriving in a few minutes, and EJ would be there right after that. It was another P2P victim, which meant Gibbs's team wouldn't be investigating for long. They only had until EJ got back with her team, and they hadn't gone that far away.
Tony had watched reactions when they saw the M.O. of P2P. Gibbs was as unreadable as ever, McGee looking almost sick as he thought about it. Tony himself had shaken his head and closed his eyes when it was confirmed, but he was really watching for Ziva's reaction. She had seen the body and turned away quickly, snatching up a camera and walking away with it in front of her face. Tony had grabbed the other camera from McGee and walked in the opposite direction.
That's it, he thought. As soon as we get back to NCIS, we need to talk.
They processed the scene and packed up the body. An hour later they had handed the case over to EJ and returned to NCIS, waiting for another case. Tony lingered in the elevator after Gibbs and McGee had gotten out and stopped Ziva from leaving.
"Tony, what's wrong?" she asked.
He closed the elevator door and waited until it started moving. Then he pressed the brakes and made the car stop, the lights dimming. "We need to talk. I'm worried about you."
Almost immediately the mask came back on, her face a blank slate. Almost immediately though; not before he saw her reaction, even if he couldn't quite place what it was. "I know it's none of my business, but I can't help noticing how withdrawn you've been lately. I just want to know if something's wrong."
Ziva straightened her shoulders. "You are right, Tony. That is none of your business. But I will humor you by saying everything is fine. Now let's get back to work." She reached over and started the elevator again, but Tony stopped it just as fast. Her body language was almost normal, just slightly tense. Her voice was the same way, almost normal, but the phrases were clipped, like she was stressed.
Tony stepped in front of the kill switch, blocking it from access. He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms, decided that looked too threatening, uncrossed them, and put his hands in his pocket. "Look, Ziva, I know something's been bothering you. I can tell."
She kept looking from his eyes to the floor, undecided on how to act. "How can you tell?"
"Because I know you. I know that you started coming out of your shell when you agreed to work with NCIS, but you've changed since the desert."
Her breath caught in her throat. He really had noticed. She thought he had been reaching for information, but he knew she had changed. She swallowed. "So you know that I am broken." She said it quietly and with such a defeated tone Tony felt it like a blow, and there was silence in the elevator.
Tony thought back to his nightmare the night before, and the one last week, and last month. He felt lost because it was finally a reality. His partner was actually broken.
Then he looked at the woman standing across from him, holding one arm tight against her and standing with a relatively relaxed posture. No, he thought. She was staring at the floor, apparently taking his silence as agreement. But this woman was not the one in his dreams. She wasn't losing control, she was being truthful.
"No." he said. Ziva looked him in the eyes in shock. "You're not broken. Nothing can break you. That's who you are."
Ziva shook her head. "Not anymore. I'm losing the ability to hide emotions, Tony. I have been able to do that since I was a little girl! But since the desert I have felt myself slipping away, losing parts. I am worried I will lose myself altogether soon, with how much I have lost."
Tony chuckled. Ziva's eyes lit up like fire and she shoved him back. "That is not funny. I am trying to be serious here."
He cleared his throat and tried to lose his smile, ultimately failing. "I know. But you're wrong, Ziva. You're not broken. You are different though. You said you lost the ability to hide things? Maybe you didn't lose it; maybe you just don't want to hide anymore. Maybe the desert made you realize that what your father taught you was wrong. You don't have to go through life alone, Ziva. You have a family right here."
Tony had pointed her chin at his face when she tried to look away, and he took away his hand as he finished. Ziva swallowed hard and searched his face. "I have been told all my life that depending on others is a weakness. I do not think I can change that fast, but I need someone to confide in so I can start. Can I trust you?"
It was in the form of a question, but both of them knew the answer before it was spoken. Tony could tell that Ziva needed to open up. He had caught it before it ate her alive, something he was incredibly grateful for. Tony would be that person Ziva needed now. He was her partner. He was supposed to be there for her. He knew he always would be. This was just the first time they had spoken about it.
Ziva David was changed. Her mask was coming off for the final time, and for the first time it felt good. For the first time in her life she put all of herself, all her trust, confidence, and fears, into another person. The old Ziva would have seen Tony as her weakness, to make her do this. The new one knew that it wasn't weakness to depend on someone else: it was strength.
A/N: I hope you guys liked this fic! I feel like this is something Ziva would worry about, and Tony would be the one to help her through it. Comment and review please!