Disclaimer: I don't own Code Geass, nor any of the things referenced in here.
Author's Note: Lots of plain, raw crack in it's purest form. My first attempt at doing something that has more than one chapter.
Twenty and One Ways
There are many things that Lelouch must uphold to ensure his image as Zero, never spoils. These are the tales of those things getting crushed.
Sadistic? Why yes.
"There are no cats allowed here." Lelouch glared at the witch holding, said cat.
"Hrmm, but Arthur's such a dear." C.C stroked the cat, who mewed quite happily in her arms, "It would be nice to have a male around the house."
"Oh ho. Very, very original witch. Questioning my man-hood for the 75th time now are we?" He rolled his eyes, "I believe we've already settled that, more than a few times already."
"I wouldn't need to question, if I was sure." She sauntered past him, and fell back into the bed, "And if I'm not sure, then that obviously means, those times we settled it...Wasn't enough."
Arthur gave her a curious look. C.C guessed she would too, if a woman with green hair long enough to spill all over a queen-sized bed, lifted you 2 feet in the air.
The exiled prince popped a vein at this. Mostly because she was getting cat hair all over his bed. He was already used to feeling insecure about his slightly above average femininity, around her.
Using his one remaining scrap of pride, he pinned the witch's arms down, in a last ditch attempt to defend his manhood.
Poor Arthur fell with a loud meow onto C.C's chest, once the arms used to support him, were suddenly gone.
"Are you saying this wasn't enough?.." He breathed huskily into her ear. How nostalgic.
In his mind however, Lelouch was rather fretting quite heavily on how to get out of this position, and berating the fact that he did this on a stupid impulse, without thinking about how to follow through.
She blinked at him, with her usual face.
Lelouch started to sweat.
Come on woman. Talk. Insult. Move a limb. Do something.
She blinked again.
He felt his brain twitch.
"Just to be fair. We didn't do this last time." Her eyes moved down.
With a perplexed stare, he followed them, and groaned.
"Meow?" The poor, unsuspecting cat mewed, as if on cue.
"Kinky." She smirked at him. "To be honest, I always thought Suzaku would be the one to join us in a threesome."
Lelouch sputtered, un-princely like. "Su-Suzaku?"
"No? I think he'd very well make up for your lacking." She smiled mirthlessly, as he got increasingly flustered, "More than enough, really."
"Why, with your strategic talents, and his...stamina, it'd make fantastic-"
Lelouch scrambled off her at that instance. Without facing her, he frantically ran his fingers through his hair in an effort to regain his composure.
"Ju..Just..Just get the damn cat out!" His voice crackled.
"Why should-"
"Unless you want your secret stash of pizza coupons mysteriously burned."
She opened her mouth to retort, but before she could, he suddenly spun around.
"AND. It's ashes stepped, and danced upon, while I cackle like the new reincarnation of the Wicked Witch of the South!"
"It's Wes-"
"IT'S TIME FOR CHANGE." His voice went up to a high falsetto.
C.C's mouth promptly formed a thin line, and her eyes narrowed into slits.
"Fine." She pivoted with her hair spraying out behind her dramatically, and walked out the room with a controlled ease. Albeit her steps had a much harder click to it now.
"You're so neurotic." The witch muttered, as she walked out the door.
Though, C.C knew he probably couldn't have heard it, since he was rambling about the high unemployment rates the North and South witches must have faced, and how Dorothy was such a bitch for not sharing the ruby clippers.
Wait, clippers?
Lelouch woke up with a pounding hang over. He doesn't know how one gets a hangover without drinking alcohol, but there's a first time for everything.
"You went on a rabid-foaming, Wizard of Oz themed rant." She answered dryly.
"Themed?"
"Yeah. That was new for me too."
"What day is it?" He squinted blearily at the bright sunlight flooding the room.
"Monday."
"That's good."
"Of next week."
He blanched. "Oh dear Kami-sama."
"There's was this huge Sakuradite matter I was suppose to solve, and the financ-"
"Done, and done."
"Wait. Wha..? Even the-"
She gave a long sigh. "Do your ears not work?"
"I've even managed to order the new helmet you were looking for. One that's bulletproof this time." She flicked his forehead teasingly. "For when your best friend is decidedly homicidal, and you can't aim to save your life."
He gaped at her.
"You were planning a hunger strike for deprived flying monkeys, Lelouch. I think that's a subtle sign of stress." The immortal said matter-of-factly. "You're more useful to me alive, than dead."
"...I see."
Your meetings today."
"A..ah, right."
Zero walked down briskly to the meeting room, using his usual grand, stately strides.
"Zero! Sir!"
"What is it, Kallen?"
"I just wanted say that I think it was really great we finally have something the general public can relate to."
"Huh?" He dead-panned. However Kallen wasn't blessed with x-ray vision, so she continued on obliviously.
"I-I mean! Cats are cute! Ah, no..What I meant to say was.." Kallen's face began turning a darker shade of red with each word. "I'm glad we didn't pick flying monkeys!"
The redhead hurried off, acknowledging that it was a lost cause, and accepting that sometimes a retreat is mandatory.
"Wait!" He called out futilely. The girl had enough talent in speed-walking to compete internationally.
Just when he was about to turn right back, and demand an explanation out of C.C, something caught the corner of his eye.
He stared out the window, and a large-scale pixelated Arthur stared back.
It took a few seconds for his neurons to process this large amount of information, because cats in pop tarts weren't something you saw every day.
Xing-ke strolled past him at this moment, humming something that sounded like-
Nyan yan yan yan yan yan yan nyan nyan yan yan yan~