A/N. It's been so long since I've published anything here, but I love Glee too much not to write about it. This is a story set in the immidiate aftermath of 4x18 Shooting Star (little late I know) and as such it deals with issues surrounding the episode including PSTD scenarios. Please don't read this if you think it might upset/trigger you. I hope you enjoy it and would appreciate any feedback you can give. I thoroughly enjoyed writing this so may delve into more Glee fic in the future.
Thanks to my beta dontstopmultishipping over on tumblr, and, if you're interested I'm singinthesun over on tumblr.
I
Sam couldn't stop shaking. Mr Schue had started to get them all together because the swat guys or whoever they were seemed to be keen to get them all out of there. Sam was just about to go and fetch his bag, except remembering which chair he had been sitting in was actually really hard right now. Had he been next to Kitty or Jake? Mr Schue was behind him. The swat guys were making them leave their bags or something and it was just at that moment that Sam spotted his next to a chair on the left. But the guy in black who already had Marley's small backpack clutched in his hands and was stood next to Mr Schue in the doorway seemed like he was staring. There weren't many people left and Coach Beiste was wheeling Artie out the door. Taking a shaky breath, Sam turned and headed after them. His head felt odd. Like it was too heavy and not really in the same place he was. Without the familiar straps of his backpack to grab onto he couldn't work out what to do with his hands. They felt foreign and bulky just resting at his sides and he could feel his fingers aching oddly. He tugged on the end of his shirt. Why wouldn't his head stop ringing? It felt dark in here as well, too dark – even with the lights back on and it was stiflingly warm. As he approached the door he could see the swat guy frowning and Mr Schue was trying to smile. Sam avoided his gaze and clenched his fists to try and stop his hands trembling but all it did was make his fingers hurt more. He was just about to try shoving them into his pockets when a warm, steady hand slipped into his. It was Brittany.
"Come on Sam." She gave his hand a little tug and a squeeze and Sam squeezed back so much it must have hurt but Brittany didn't flinch. Something in his chest gave a funny little jolt and he finally managed to leave the choir room. Casting a glance back he realised that there was no one else left there and the panic that he had felt only moments before charged back through him before Brittany pulled him into the hallway and he saw Blaine standing, small and pale, next to another of the swat guys. Sam could see that Blaine was trying something that looked like an encouraging smile but it just looked like he wanted to cry. Sam knew the feeling. Further up the hallway Jake was leading Marley out of the doors, clutching both of her hands in his.
Sam heard Mr Schue behind him a second before he felt the hand on his shoulder. He let out a breath and tried not to shake his hand off because he knew Mr Schue was just trying to make them feel better but next to him Blaine flinched at the movement. He felt Blaine's hand brush up next to his so Sam reached down for Blaine's wrist before grabbing his hand. It was clammy and cold but Sam pressed his shoulder up against Blaine as Brittany led the three of them out after the rest of Glee club.
Stepping out into the sun only made the ringing in Sam's head worse and he realised that he was still feeling rather sick. Trying to distract himself he started to mentally count the rest of glee club around him as they were led around the side of the school. One, two, at his sides. Blaine and Brittany. Jake and Marley ahead. Five – Artie. And Kitty walking next to him (six). He couldn't see anyone else and Sam closed his eyes for a moment. The pounding in his head just wouldn't stop. He'd have to start again. He couldn't lose any of them. Not now. One. Two. Blaine. Brittany. But it was too difficult. They were gone, disappearing among other people. How many of them had even been in glee club this morning? He gripped onto Brittany's hand tightly as the front parking lot came into view. He still couldn't see all the others and he wanted to find them but there was no way that he was letting Blaine and Brittany out of his sight. Not until he knew they were safe. The word felt weird. Safe. Safe. He rolled it around in his head. Safe used to be taken for granted. He missed the feeling of the word safe. He missed the feeling of safe itself. He wondered if it would ever come back. If it would ever come back so he could think about it without hearing the gunshots.
There were lots of people outside the school. Sam could barely hear the chatter over the ringing that still threaded through his head. There was some tape up around the parking lot along the front of the school and most of the people were on the other side but there were lots of police and teachers and kids wandering around inside too. There was an ambulance on the far side of the parking lot and Sam had to push the sick feeling back down again. No one got hurt did they? They'd been cut off in the choir room in the dark and quiet. Had someone actually gotten shot? He didn't realised that he'd paused until Brittany tugged him forward again, her grip firm. The rest of New Directions were being led over to the ambulance and Brittany followed dragging Sam (and Blaine) with her. Sam could still feel Blaine's shoulder knocking against his and when he looked over all he could think was how pale Blaine looked. Sam wondered if Blaine felt as sick as he did.
Mr Schue was behind them again (or... still? Sam couldn't remember...) and he passed Brittany before offering them another weak smile.
"Don't worry guys. No one was hurt. They just wanted to make sure."
Sam didn't reply but Brittany nodded and sniffed and they came to a stop next to Jake who was sat on the tailgate of the ambulance. He was on the phone, his knee jiggling up and down. Sam tried to start counting again but before he'd gotten to three he felt Blaine being yanked away from him. Sam's heart seemed to leap into his throat but when he turned all he saw was Tina's head over Blaine's shoulder, her eyes wide and large.
A wave of relief poured through Sam at seeing them both but all it seemed to do was increase the pounding in his head and make his heart start thumping. He tried to take a deep breath and failed, only making himself feel sicker. It was a bit backwards really, Sam thought as Brittany pulled him into another hug, that he would feel worse now, after it had all finished, than he had whilst they were sat in fear in the choir room.
A woman in some sort of uniform was walking round asking them if they all felt OK and things but Sam didn't say anything to her. He was pretty sure that he didn't feel OK. Really, he couldn't even remember what feeling OK was like. But nobody else was saying anything and Brittany was kind of clinging to him now and his shoulder felt damp so he just let his arms fold around her back as he listened to her soft murmurs in his ear and to Tina jabbering away to a silent Blaine.
Brittany let go of him after a while to go and hug Unique so Sam watched as Artie wheeled off after his mom and Jake left with Marley and her mom. Marley came and gave Sam a long hug before she left and Sam could feel her trembling. He wondered if she could feel him shaking too but he'd seen Mrs Rose talking to the uniform lady so maybe she would have something to give Marley or something. Jake offered Sam a quick squeeze on the shoulder as he left with them. Artie hadn't said anything and Sam hadn't even seen Ryder leave but he wasn't there now. Then Brittany's mom arrived. Brittany went to go and speak to her before coming back to Sam.
"I have to go. My mom wants me to come home straight away." She twisted her lips and Sam could see the tears in her eyes again so he grasped her hand. "I wanted you to come too, but Mom says no. I wanted to make sure you were safe still."
There was that word again. Safe. Sam hated that word. Brittany sniffed so Sam wrapped her into his arms again.
"You should go then," he whispered, "I'll be fine." He pulled back to look at her and gave her a soft kiss on the lips.
"Can we Skype later?" Brittany asked, and Sam nodded in reply because Brittany's mom was behind her now and she was kind of glaring. "I'll tell Lord Tubbington you're OK and that you were really brave." Brittany offered him a small smile before letting her mom drag her away. Sam tried to stop his heart do the weird pounding thing again where it felt like he was going to throw up but he couldn't help it. He kind of wished he could have gone with Brittany and sat on her bed and cuddled and just had her close but Brittany's mom was kind of crazy. He could hear Mr Schue behind him but then Tina was there and Sam barely had time to think before she pulled him into a hug.
"Oh Sam, I'm so glad you're OK, I couldn't get to the choir room and then Principal Figgins wouldn't let me in and I just couldn't bear thinking about you all in there and no one knew what was going on and it was just-" She took a breath and Sam rubbed her back gently as she gripped onto his shirt. Hugging Tina was kind of nice actually and the panic that was still flitting in his chest abated a little. Blaine was behind Tina looking like he was still about to burst into tears so Sam held an arm out and Blaine only hesitated for a second before joining him and Tina. It felt good hugging his friends – not safe. Not yet, but good, and it was a relief at them both just being in his arms. But it ended all too soon when Tina's parents came to pick her up and then Blaine's mom and dad were both there. They all seemed to be in kind of a rush to leave and Sam barely had time to say anything before they were both whisked away.
The sick feeling came back then and Sam started to feel weird again. He pulled on his sleeves to try and stop the shaking in his hands getting worse again. Only Kitty and Mr Schue were still by the ambulance. There were still some of the other teachers around too. Sam realised numbly that he never did get to count everyone and a sudden surge floated up through him. Then-
"Mr Schue. I need to go back inside."
Mr Schuester blinked, obviously confused about the fact that anyone would ask. Kitty was watching with wide, worried eyes, hugging her arms around herself.
"Sam you can't go back inside right now, they have to check-"
"No, Mr Schue, you don't understand, I need to get to my locker, that's all." Sam sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He could see that Mr Schue was about to wave his request off and he didn't want to have to start pleading. The thought of it gave him a really strange and uncomfortable feeling. Besides, in the grand scheme of things, he doubted he'd get in too much trouble, so he just went for it. "There's a cat in my locker."
Mr Schue stopped and frowned. Whatever he'd been expecting, it hadn't been that.
"A cat? Wait, what?"
So Sam explained all about Lady Tubbington and Brittany and the longer he went on the more he realised how ridiculous it all sounded and how much of an idiot he was for even thinking about it and now Mr Schue knew, but Mr Schue just nodded with a tight smile and said he would sort it out before heading off towards the school.
Once he'd gone, it was just Sam and Kitty. He went and sat down next to her on the hard tailgate of the ambulance and he pretended not to notice the way she shuffled towards him slightly as he joined her. Mainly because he kind of did it too. There weren't many people here now and a breeze had picked up but Sam still felt overly warm. They didn't say anything for a little while. Kitty was playing with her phone, turning it carefully between her fingers.
"I can't stop thinking about it," she muttered, staring at the floor. "I keep wondering what would have happened if it really had... been..." Sam nodded in reply and glanced across at her.
"You OK?" he asked, and it was mostly for show because he knew that if Kitty was feeling anything like he did then she definitely wasn't feeling OK. Kitty looked up and raised her eyebrows and it was so reminiscent of the usual Kitty that Sam couldn't help but smirk a little. Kitty twisted her lips too.
"I wonder what's going to happen when we go back," she said, glancing back towards the road where the last of the school busses were pulling away. Sam didn't know how to answer but she carried on anyway. "I don't really want to come back, but, I feel like if I don't, I can't be sure that it all turned out OK." She paused and stared out at the road. "My dad's here." She stood up, straightening her Cheerios skirt and pulled Sam into a quick hug. "See you later Sam." She walked away quite quickly to where her dad was stood and Sam watched them embrace. And then Sam was alone.
Mr Schue wasn't back yet but Coach Beiste was on the other side of the lot talking to Figgins so Sam walked over, stuffing his hands in his pockets. That didn't seem to work either though it seemed...
"Uh, Coach," Sam said, noticing how ruffled she looked. It was odd thinking about the teachers being scared. "I think I'm going to start walking back... you know." Sam had been picked up by Blaine that morning but Blaine had gone and it looked like all the busses had left too. There weren't a lot of kids left here at all either – just a few teachers and cops. There was no one Sam knew to stay for and the sick feeling was coming back quite a lot now that Sam focussed on it.
"Sam, wait, isn't someone-" Beiste started, and Sam had only just cottoned on to the fact that she'd called him Sam and not Evans when-
"Sam!"
Both he and Coach Beiste turned. Carole was hurrying up the parking lot towards them, still wearing hospital scrubs. Sam frowned as he watched her approach and caught Coach Beiste's small smile before Carole reached him and pulled him into a gentle hug. He could feel his eyes burning but all he could do was hold on and try not to think about how having Carole there still didn't really make him feel better. It should have shouldn't it? Shouldn't he feel safe now?
...
Carole didn't say much in the car. She opened the windows a little and Sam gripped his seatbelt (it worked better than grabbing at his sleeves but not as well as his pockets) and watched the houses blur past outside as he tried not to puke, wishing the throbbing in his head would just stop.
Carole told him that she had called Burt in Washington and she was sorry she took a while getting to him because the hospital was busy and had only just come off the alert from the police.
As they climbed out of the car, Sam knew he wasn't feeling right. Any semblance of the car ride making him feel better went away again. His head felt warm and heavy and he could feel his breathing start to go all weird again.
He passed Carole and headed into the living room, making a beeline for the couch because maybe sitting down would help make him feel better somehow, but then he heard it, the loud, solid bang, short and sharp and it jolted something inside him because he wasn't safe, none of them were, and there were too many chairs in their way and the light going off didn't make any difference and your heart feels like it will break out of your chest and all there is are muffled gasps and whimpers and the clunk, tick of something on the floor and he can't see Blaine and he has to move his body across so he's in front of Unique and Ryder but there's no time because he can hear the people running outside and they're going to come in and all he wants to do is scream and release all the terror but they have to be quiet, quiet, it's not safe, never safe, and where is Brittany, where is Brittany, where is Brittany?
Sam realised about three seconds after Carole's blurry face swam into view what was going to happen and he almost tripped over the coffee table as he dashed up the stairs, stumbling on at least six, and charged into the bathroom.
He didn't make it.
Sam was only half aware beyond the spinning in his head as he threw up all over Carole's bathroom floor. He stared at the square, tiled floor as it swam white and blue in his vision and all he could feel was the heavy pounding in the back of his head as he managed somehow to shuffle forward before he was sick again in the toilet. He realised dully and in the edge of his consciousness that he was kneeling in his own puke but he couldn't care because it was horrible and oh God he couldn't keep it up because as soon as he'd finished being sick Sam knew that something was really wrong because suddenly his head wouldn't stop ringing and it was all he could hear and the pounding increased – each like the gunshots – and then he was hot – too hot and a prickle crept along his arms and he was sweating and he couldn't see anything and maybe he was going to die because everything was spinning and it was all he could do to keep a grip on consciousness as he held tightly onto the edge of the toilet seat, gripping it until the plastic started to dig into his palms.
He felt someone's hand on his shoulder and then his head and the cool touch somehow subsided the spinning behind his eyes and slowly the bathroom came back into focus and his body was damp all over with sweat. He could still feel his heart racing though and Sam shakily sat back, barely registering Carole as the pounding from his chest seemed to continue up through his throat and then he was just crying. He took a sharp breath to try to stop it but Carole pulled his body into her arms and Sam couldn't help it, as he found himself sobbing breathlessly into her shirt. He could only half hear the soft whispers from her in his ear and he was even less aware of what the words actually were. There was one second of clarity as it occurred to him that Carole was also kneeling in his puke before he turned and let the heat that had been burning in his chest and head ever since what happened in the choir room go.
It was at least half an hour later when Sam calmed down a little and let himself be guided to his feet and into his borrowed bedroom. He numbly let Carole help him out of his clothes and somehow found himself lying on his bed in clean tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt, and Carole was pressing his phone into his hand, the line on the other end already ringing. Sam could feel the tears at his eyes again and a soft, warm rush of adrenaline. He couldn't stop shaking.
Carole pressed a soft kiss to his head before stepping out, but all Sam could focus on was the click of the line on the other end.
"Sam?"
"Mom?"
II
"Hey Mommy."
"Blaine? Sweetie are you OK? What's going on?"
Blaine took a shaky breath and glanced up to where Jake was stood hugging Marley and rubbing slow circles on her back.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm-I'm fine. Um, it's all finished. Mom I..." Blaine trailed off and ran his hand down his shoulder and arm. He didn't know what to say. He'd always gone to his mom whenever he was upset or sick and she would always know what to say to make it better but this felt different and weird and Blaine wasn't altogether sure that his mom would be able to make this better and that was sort of scary.
"Hey don't worry," his mom said, "Is there someone there with you? Shall I come pick you up?" Blaine could tell she was trying to be calm for him but there was a tightness to her voice that gave her away and Blaine could imagine her at the phone in the lounge, winding the cord around her fingers.
"I'm with the rest of Glee," he replied dully, "I don't think I should drive."
There was a slight, desperate pause, and then, "We'll come and pick you up Blaine, don't worry. We'll come now."
"I-see you soon?" and Blaine couldn't help but wince at how desperate his voice sounded.
"As soon as we can. Bye sweetie."
"Bye," Blaine replied. She hung up, and the sudden bluntness at the end of the line hit Blaine like a wave of cold. He pocketed his phone and turned to head behind Ryder as they started to clear the choir room. Even with the lights on, it still felt dark. But not smaller. It still felt as huge and open as when they'd sat huddled into their corners. There was too much space here now. It felt a bit better at the door but Blaine couldn't help glancing along the hallway which was empty and long. One of the swat men stood there and Blaine twisted his body out of the way to avoid the hand he'd seen the man lay on Ryder's shoulder. He saw Ryder flinch too. Once he'd passed Blaine stopped to wait for Sam and Brittany because it felt too strange to not be walking beside Sam at the moment and Blaine didn't think he could cope with too strange right now.
He almost instinctively shuffled a bit closer to Sam as they left together with Brittany and he was relieved when he felt Sam grab his hand. It was cool outside. Cooler than it had been in the choir room but Blaine still felt the cold prickles all over his body just like he had before. It was noisy out here too and Blaine wanted to tell them to all be quiet even though he wondered if that many people would even be capable of that right now. Then he told himself to stop being stupid because it was all done and over and he didn't have to worry about that now. The same thought hit him as he tensed at realising how open it was outside. There wouldn't be many places to hide out here. All it would take would be a game of cat and mouse amongst the parked cars.
When they finally came to a stop Blaine barely had time to register a slither of relief as he saw Marley with her mom before he was tugged away from Sam and pulled into someone's arms.
It was an immediate seizing terror that made Blaine freeze and he was just about to push the person away when he heard Tina's voice and then it was all Blaine could do to loop his arms around her shoulders and hold on tight (because thank goodness she was here and she was alright) and listen to the familiar lilt of her voice.
"I'm so glad you're OK. I was so worried, I just wanted to get to you and the teachers- they wouldn't tell us anything and all I could think- I'm just so glad you're OK. All of you, I just kept thinking what would happen if any of you had been hurt and how stupid I was not to be with you because everyone was panicking." She took a breath and Blaine felt like she was about to continue immediately but she stopped short and paused before carrying on softly. "They didn't find a shooter I don't think. No one knows what happened but it seems like no one was hurt. We didn't know that for ages though and just the thought of..." She trailed off and Blaine heard her sniff and then suppress a small sob and he felt the tears coming to his own eyes so he slowly pulled away from Tina and looked at her managing a shaky smile.
"We're OK Tina, it was just..." she nodded in reply and Blaine grasped both her shoulders, "we were worried about you. I just, I kept trying to go over your schedule in my head and work out where you'd be coming from and whether it was somewhere that you could get out of if- if you needed to. I don't know what I would have done if we'd all sat there and you'd been caught somewhere..."
Tina just shook her head at him, brushing the start of the tears away from her eyes hastily. She didn't say anything else but gave him another quick hug before moving on to find someone else and Blaine turned as he heard her start speed-talking again to see a still very withdrawn-and-not-at-all-normal-looking Sam in her arms. Blaine stood for a moment before Sam looked up and held out one of his arms. Blaine paused, but he knew that he wanted nothing more at that moment to be with his best friends so he leant into Sam's chest and gripped Tina's waist and it felt like a very small step in everything feeling a bit more normal again.
Blaine had almost forgotten he'd phoned his mom earlier so it was a little odd when he saw both his parents walking up to where rest of New Directions were waiting. Blaine couldn't remember if his father had been working that day and it took him a little by surprise when he found himself heading to his dad first for a hug. It was strong and steady and it made Blaine feel a little bit warmer for the first time since the shots had gone off. His dad didn't say anything but once his mom pulled him into a hug Blaine realised he was crying again as she stroked his hair.
"I'm so glad you're OK sweetheart. So glad." They stayed like that for a short moment before his father said something about parking in a restricted zone and Blaine didn't miss the quirk at his dad's lips as if he realised how ridiculous the comment sounded at a time like this. His mom grabbed his hand and Blaine realised without anything to get they were leaving straight away. Feeling slightly dazed, he waved a quick goodbye to Sam and the others as his mom pulled him along whilst his father spoke to Mr Schue.
"You're freezing, Blaine, come on, you'll be OK." His mom said as they reached the car. She opened the back door for him before disappearing and coming back with one of his dad's suit jackets from the trunk. She wrapped it around his shoulders and Blaine slid his arms in, not wanting to push away her mothering for once. He slid into the backseat and fumbled with the seatbelt as his parents climbed into the front.
Blaine pulled the jacket closer around him and tried to wipe the tears from his face as he watched his mom turn round from the passenger seat every few seconds.
"Did you guys know what happened?" he asked, staring at the back of his dad's head. His mom turned again.
"Only what we saw from the local news, and your dad's work, and your texts..."
Blaine heard his dad make a sound from where he was driving but he didn't say anything. They lapsed into a silence for a few minutes before his mom tried another smile.
"Well Cooper was in all sorts of a panic. He phoned me and I couldn't tell him anything, I phoned him on the way over here."
"Cooper will be alright," Blaine's dad suddenly interjected and it broke some of the tension, "Did you hear about his new commercial Blaine?"
They settled into the usual routine and it was honestly a bit of a relief for Blaine. It was nice to feel normal again. Well, somewhat normal, and his parents helped with that. They talked about whatever they could think of – Cooper, his dad's work, his mom's sister, the book club she'd been to that week. It carried on right through them arriving home and his parents finding things to do and getting dinner sorted and eating round the table... and Blaine sort of liked it, but he knew it couldn't last. He could feel something weird inside him every time he replied to one of his mom's questions or helped his dad with something or when he spoke to Cooper on the phone. They were all trying to be careful and tread softly around him he knew – but it wasn't working and it wasn't until that night that it all changed again.
It was dark in his room. It felt better like that, in the dark and quiet and Blaine had already taken the batteries out of the clock on his bedside table. The ticking had just made him feel like he'd been back under the piano. The metronome had only been there ticking because of him and with every second he'd thought someone was going to hear it and come in.
He still couldn't sleep. He'd texted Sam and then tried calling but got no reply either time. Tina had her phone switched off.
He'd had five missed calls from Kurt and one from Rachel and twelve text messages that he still hadn't read yet. He couldn't speak to Kurt, not yet. He'd speak to him tomorrow. It would be fine...
He still couldn't sleep.
He'd tried all afternoon to put it out of his head but he couldn't. And now he had nothing else to distract him from it. All he could see every time he closed his eyes was his friends' faces and the solid outline of the door, wishing for more than anything for it to stay closed... for them to stay hidden.
Blaine curled up under the covers, grabbing his legs and pulling them up. Lying here like this wasn't helping anything, as much as he tried to tell himself that all he needed was sleep he just couldn't. Not when his heart raced every time there was a noise somewhere in the house or outside. Not when he was on edge every second, praying that his cell phone wouldn't start ringing even though he'd put it on silent and checked it eight times before turning it off and removing the battery.
It was only a quarter to midnight when he pulled himself out of bed and padded as quietly as he could out of his bedroom and down the hall.
The light was off in the hallway but on in his parents' room and Blaine could hear them talking softly. He reached out and pushed the door open slowly (because he didn't want to knock and make too much noise against the door).
"Blaine? You OK?" his mom asked and Blaine could see that they were both sat up in bed.
Blaine paused in the doorway and he was still debating whether he should just turn round and go back to his room when his dad put the magazine he was reading (well, looking at maybe, it wasn't even open) onto the bedside cabinet.
"Can't sleep?" He asked, and Blaine shook his head in reply, staring at the wood grain of the door and wondered if his parents would notice if he shifted so the wall was behind him because it was starting to feel really wrong having his back exposed to the wide, dark hallway but his mom just smiled in a sad sort of way and pulled the duvet back a bit and Blaine took it as an invitation to join them.
He wasn't sure how old he had been the last time he'd done this. Certainly not since he went away to Dalton. Maybe Sadie Hawkins, but he pulled the door closed behind him, waiting for the click before going and joining his parents in the bed. His dad shifted so he could settle between them and Blaine pulled his knees up to his chest letting his mom pull the duvet up around him and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He leaned into her and tried to find some way of making himself relax but he still couldn't help the glance over to the door and although only one of the lamps was on it still felt too bright and he wondered if he was imagining the twitch of the curtains that caused him to shuffle uneasily in his mom's arms and his heart to jolt every few seconds, but something about being surrounded by his parents made him feel a bit better, and Blaine was determined not to imagine it was Sam and Artie again and that his dad wasn't about to leap up into the corridor to go find someone - brave but somehow sort of wrong at the same time.
"Did you call Kurt yet?" his mom asked and Blaine fidgeted with the fabric of his pyjama bottoms.
"No," he replied, and as he did a small wave of guilt started to creep up from his toes, "I – I think I'll just call tomorrow, I couldn't – I just wanted to try to act like normal and Kurt would never let me do that." He paused. "He'll be OK. He's with Rachel and Santana and Tina or Brittany will have called..." he trailed off as he realised how pathetic his excuses sounded when the reality was that talking with Kurt had just felt wrong all afternoon and he knew how much Kurt would worry and fret over him and he couldn't take that right now. Kurt would want to know what happened and how he had felt and opening up to Kurt like that so quickly would just make him feel panicked again. But tomorrow. He could face it tomorrow perhaps. A new day away from it all and after everyone had slept and he'd spoken to Tina and Sam properly and maybe he'd call Brittany and Artie and Marley too just to make sure everyone was still there. Then he would call Kurt.
His parents were still silent but Blaine could feel them looking at him even if they were trying to pretend they weren't.
"I'm sorry you had to read that text," he said slowly, still not looking at them, "I'm sorry you had to see that and think about what was happening and I made you worry."
"Oh honey no!" his mom replied, "you shouldn't apologise for that, it was..." she stopped and the pause was only very slightly awkward before his dad carried on for her.
"It was one of the most terrifying things we've ever seen Blaine but don't be sorry, it was, it was beautiful and just..." he sighed slightly and Blaine felt his mom's arm tighten around his shoulders. "All that time we were waiting your mom and I sat in the kitchen with the phone in front of us and just talked. We talked about you. We called Cooper and he talked too. We prayed."
"Dad-"
"It felt right somehow right then. After everything that we've had to get through together Blaine," he sighed again before settling into Blaine's side and Blaine caught him glancing across to his mom before he continued. "We talked about you when you were little. How bright and effervescent you were. We talked about all the little things you did. That time when you climbed the tree in the Johnson's back yard just to beat Cooper. How talented you are. How every time you sing I get goose bumps and how much I look forward to seeing you get better at it every day. We talked about how loving you are. How kind. How much you care. How wrong we were. How wrong I was. How I should have just grown up and helped you grow up into who you were. How much I let my confusion and panic stop me from being the father I should really have been."
Blaine could hear his mom crying but he daren't look up because he could feel the lump in his throat too so he just stared down at the flowered duvet as his dad carried on.
"Seeing your message and hearing the news today... I haven't ever been as scared in my life. Not even Sadie Hawkins really, and I can see what an amazing man you're growing up to be, and how much I want to keep on helping you do that because I was so bad at it before. And whatever you want to do and whoever you want to marry I want to be there to help you. Which is also why I've never been so thankful to anyone, anything when we got that phone call from you. We love you so much. You know that right Blaine?"
It was the slight uncertainty in his father's voice that finally made Blaine cry again because he knew his dad had sometimes sucked in the past at actually being a dad and he'd kind of resented him for it for a long time. And things didn't make much more sense now but they felt better, more comfortable, and he let the tears wet his face as he let his dad pull the three of them into a hug as his mom reached out to the side to grab some tissues from behind her.
"I love you guys too," Blaine finally managed to get out, even though it was slightly muffled and he felt his mom's hand down his arm, "all the time I was in there I couldn't stop thinking about you and Coop and Kurt and everything we didn't do and I felt so stupid because-" He realised a little too late what effect the words were having on him because the room was too bright again and he was crying too loudly and it would never be OK to close his eyes and sleep again because every time he did he'd be letting himself get caught off guard and all he could see were their faces-
"Do you want to talk about it honey? We're right here and we'll listen and... you're safe now, right? You're safe here with us."
Even though they were loud his mom's words felt good. The soft, calming tone accompanied by her arm around his shoulders. He'd only had his own arms in the choir room. Too frozen to even approach any of the others.
It took him about five minutes before he found himself able to speak.
"I tried to help. I mean. I remember what they told us about lockdowns. I tried to move the piano but all it did was knock the stupid metronome to the floor and then I had to help Artie but I couldn't remember if we were supposed to move his chair too. I've never felt so..." his brow furrowed as he searched for the right word. "I've never felt so lost. It was just, it was so terrifying and I couldn't even think of a way to help. I couldn't help any of them." He could feel the tears falling down his cheeks again and it felt horribly cold somehow now but his parents didn't say anything yet and for that Blaine was a little grateful. "Sam tried to go and fetch Brittany and I didn't do anything to stop him but I just... I didn't want him to go and I just wanted him to stop because all I could think was that he was going to get hurt and I... that was even worse than thinking I might get hurt, I didn't even think that- knowing that Tina was out there somewhere and Brittany was – that we couldn't help them because I couldn't have them die. They – even though Brittany was stuck I couldn't bear the thought of Sam leaving because I couldn't imagine him-" he took a deep breath as a sob broke up through his chest. "I couldn't even help them or make them feel better – I told them to be quiet and I just kept thinking – it wasn't about me but I couldn't make myself useful. I should have been the leader again and I just-" he cut himself off again as him mom hushed him softly and it felt good because the waves of guilt were new and cutting and Blaine knew he wasn't going to get any sleep that night.
He stayed up with his parents, talking, crying, often breathless and hard, fighting exhaustion until the early hours when daylight was peeking through the curtains. Blaine didn't sleep. In a way, staying awake and thinking about it made him feel a little better about it. He could give something of himself back to his friends this way. Not properly, not really, but staying awake sort of stopped the visions of Sam and Tina and Brittany lying still and pale on the floor flashing through his head and maybe if he protected them in his head he could make up for not helping them in the choir room.
The thought of it soothed him a little. But it still wasn't enough.
III
They weren't doing enough. They should be storming the building and getting hundreds of army guys and helicopters and people to get them out of there and why the fuck wasn't anyone doing anything? Everyone was just talking on their phones and standing around and what was wrong with them? There were people trapped inside and they couldn't even do their jobs properly. Tina wondered if lodging a complaint at this point would be considered conducive to helping her friends but if Figgins wouldn't listen then she doubted the police chief would.
She'd refused to get on the busses with the other students. There were quite a few of them left, stood behind the yellow tape along with some parents who'd caught news early and were desperate to find their kids. Out of the students who'd stayed behind though, Tina was pretty sure at least half of them were just interested to see if anything exciting was going to happen. She'd heard a junior football player saying to his friend that he hoped they sent in the swat guys with machine guns and how cool it would be if there was a gunfire fight or something. Tina had only just stopped herself from punching him in the face and maybe only because her parents had called right then and she'd had to spend five minutes calming them down and telling them not to rush to get her. She couldn't leave yet. Not when glee club was still in there. It had been the reason she'd cut her mom off anyway because now she was the only one stuck outside, she'd had to start fielding the mass of texts she got from the others when they started to read what was coming in from people still in the school.
She hadn't read the tweets and texts that had come from the rest of New Directions. She'd resolutely skimmed over them because there was no way she was reading anything like that. She wasn't going to read anything that read like it was a conclusion or epilogue or anything final because the thought of anything being final was more than she could handle. Instead she looked over what the alumni were saying, although not many of them seemed to have realised what was happening to begin with. When Mike posted though (something about shock and worry and she didn't want to read that either)Tina only hesitated for a moment or two before phoning him and it felt a little odd because she hadn't spoken to him in a while but at the same time it was most definitely the most normal thing of the moment.
"Tina? What's going on? You OK?"
"Hey, yeah, I'm outside. Mike I don't know what to do. I don't know how it happened, I was just late and-"
"Hey, woah, slow down. What's even happening? People are freaking out all over twitter and facebook."
Tina sniffed and turned to lean against the brick wall next to the sidewalk away from the hustle of the worried parents. Her hair was sticking to the side of her face and her coat was starting to feel really itchy. It was good to hear Mike's voice though, even though he was far, far away from it all it was oddly reassuring to know that he was safe.
"There were some gunshots in school and I was late for glee club and they just got everyone to leave but they're all still stuck in there Mike and I just c-c-can't... shit!" Tina almost felt like smashing her phone to pieces against the wall but she gripped it as hard as she could hoping the frustration would somehow pulsate down the line to Mike so he could take some of it off of her.
"Tina, look, you need to calm down-"
"They won't let me in Mike and they're trapped in there! It's glee club and they're all trapped and I can't do anything..." she felt the rush of anger start to die down again "I can't even think of what might have happened, no one knows what's going on or who it even is and I don't even want to think about what it's like in there..."
Mike's voice was soft when he replied and Tina could feel the familiar feeling of comfort twist its way back up through her. "Look, Tina, right now you can't do anything OK. They'll be OK, I know they will. You just need to sit tight and wait for them to come out and make sure you do what everyone tells you."
"They're not even doing anything," Tina answered, sourly eyeing the group of police further up in the parking lot, "they're just stood there talking and there are people in there and they're not even doing anything Mike. My friends are trapped in there and I don't know what- and they're not doing anything."
"I'm sure they're just making sure everything is safe and they're doing it properly. Don't worry, just, sit tight, yeah? And make sure you keep me updated."
"Yeah I will" Tina replied quietly. "Thanks."
"I'm glad you're OK. You know that right? I mean – well, it's not the time to go into it, but I do care about you and I'm glad you're not stuck in there too."
"I know. I gotta go, I want to see if anyone has updated anything online. See if anyone knows anything round here maybe."
She said goodbye to Mike, having no intentions of checking twitter again and it was with a slightly numb feeling that she slid her phone back into the pocket of her coat and pushed past some of the crowd so she could stand with the front doors to the school in her eye line. They remained resolutely closed and every so often a police officer would walk past but no one came out and no one went in.
Around her the crowd were whispering in hushed voices about what was going on, and from what Tina could make out no one knew what was going on. Most people had heard the same thing. Two gunshots - and no one had seen anyone with a gun but pretty much everyone knew someone trapped inside. Tina wondered how many of the student body were actually still in there. With the amount of parents milling around there must be quite a few people inside. She couldn't see any of the glee parents but Tina couldn't admit to knowing a lot of them. She'd met Blaine's parents but they weren't anywhere to be seen and Artie's mom wasn't around.
Tina was starting to feel a bit sick. The panic that she'd experienced when they'd first heard the shots was coming back tenfold and the atmosphere around her wasn't helping. The whole place was buzzing with tension and fear and there was a lot of crying. Tina had nearly cried before. She wasn't going to cry now. Not yet. Not until something happened because she didn't need to cry. She was outside. The rest of them weren't. She couldn't afford to cry. She had to know they were safe and she couldn't do that if she was stood there blubbering like she always did and-
Her phone was buzzing in her pocket. Tina fumbled for it, the smooth case slipping in her grasp before she managed to pull it out and swipe across the screen.
"You need to tell me what's going on. Now."
Santana.
"I don't know what's going on, no one's telling us-"
"Are they in there?" and Tina wondered how much Santana's they actually meant she but she didn't say anything.
"It was glee club - they're all in there... I'm sorry."
"Shut up," Santana replied, and Tina could almost feel her frowning into the phone. "You OK?"
"Yeah I'm, well no but... did Mike text you?"
"I think he texted everybody. Maybe. I'm at the apartment. I don't know if Rachel and Kurt know yet, they're at class. I would expect I'd know about it already if Kurt had found out though. He's gonna go ballistic."
"And you're not?" Tina asked, biting her lip. She realised that she was holding the phone away from her ear somewhat as if she was expecting Santana to start freaking out and going off down the phone at her and she kicked herself realising how stupid she was being.
"I'm worried, jeez course I am. Can't believe something like this would happen. I'm all ready to start taking out whoever... OK I'm throwing cushions around the apartment. And Rachel's shoes. And maybe a saucepan. Look just-"
"Santana I promise if I could've been there and helped them, I would, I tried asking Figgins-"
"Well good. I'm proud of you. Just don't doing anything stupid OK? And tell me what's happening. As soon as you see them let me know – whatever's happened... y'know."
"I will. I promise."
"Good. I..." she sighed down the line as she cut herself off, "bye."
Santana hung up and Tina blinked back the tears that were starting to come back and checked her screen. Three messages.
Mercedes
Hey what's going on? You alright? I keep hearing about really scary stuff happening down there. Is glee club still inside? I'm praying for you all. Call me if you need me.
Puck
you seen jake?
Puck
you gotta tell me whats goin on. Were freakin out
Tina wondered when she'd become the go-to person for news but she fired off two quick replies and then flicked her phone onto silent and shoved it into her pocket. She didn't want to have to read worries and questions when she still had ones of her own swirling around inside her head.
The crowd seemed quieter now. More resolute. Everybody seemed to know that there wasn't much more they could do but wait. Not much seemed to have changed in front of the school either but Tina glimpsed the ambulance arrive out of the corner of her eye as it parked up and a cold shiver raced through her. Even if she did see the others again, would they even be walking out of the school? Were they going to be met with grisly images of people laid out on stretchers being whisked away by doctors and police to be fixed? What if they couldn't be fixed?
She'd never really thought about how much her friends meant to her this year. Last year was all about the seniors and the girls and winning and they'd just all been there together and she'd had Mike – well - she'd had her friends too but Tina should have realised back in her freshman year that hanging around with sophomores would end badly for her. When they'd left it had been odd to say the least but somehow it had flipped around and worked out kind of brilliantly. She'd gotten to know Brittany a lot better and although there were still things she avoided talking about with Artie, they had more time to hang out now.
But she'd made friends too. She'd never really spoken to Blaine or Sam much the year before but this year they'd all been sort of forced together as the seniors and the last of the old gang and it kind of just... worked. Blaine was just one of the greatest friends Tina could have hoped for and yes sometimes she still wished that he wasn't gay and that her crush wasn't just a crush but it wasn't something she dwelled on much anymore. It definitely didn't seem important now, and in fact, it kind of felt petty. Blaine was just... Tina often wondered if she would've gotten this far through senior year without Blaine as a friend. Sam too, and although Tina didn't always get his jokes and references and they bickered a lot, it was still really good fun to hang out with him and she found herself looking forward to the trips to the mall she took with them or the movie nights at Blaine's house (he had the biggest TV).
But then, even as she thought about Blaine and Sam, she realised how much she was thinking about the others too. They'd had a lot to live up to this year and Tina thought they were doing pretty well. Marley was just lovely and could sing better than any of them. Though she'd secretly kind of hated Kitty when she first joined, Tina couldn't imagine glee without her now and she and Unique brought such sass and attitude to glee that there was no way people couldn't take notice when the New Directions were on stage. Even Jake and Ryder, now that she was getting to know them a bit more, were genuinely sweet and caring guys and Tina couldn't really fathom that she'd ever doubted that the club would suck this year.
But dwelling on her friends didn't make her feel much better. The doors were still closed and no one was coming out and Tina couldn't get in. The thought of a shooter on the loose didn't really seem to scare her as much as she thought it would. It was the thought of the rest of New Directions sitting, trapped in the dark, as clueless as she was but right in the centre of the danger. She swallowed and sniffed trying again to make sure she wouldn't cry. She so wanted to be there, to be able to wrap them in comforting hugs and whisper soothing words to them. If she didn't know that she'd be grabbed by at least twenty people if she tried Tina would've been charging up and running through the front doors herself. It was awful waiting here, for news, for anything to happen, good or bad and there was no one here she really knew. Not enough to be able to stand with them and calm and reassure each other. No, everyone she would rely on for that was still inside.
It had been a strange feeling when they'd heard the gunshots. Tina could still see the line of events that led up to it. First she'd stayed behind in English to speak to the teacher and then she'd nipped to the bathroom. She'd lingered longer than usual at her locker because her combination just wouldn't work and it was only after six tries that she realised she'd been putting in her code from last year. Then a girl (Laura? Tina wasn't sure if she was remembering correctly) from student council had come to ask her something and Tina remembered looking at her watch because she knew she was going to be late for glee because it was all the way on the other side of the school and still now she can't remember what the girl had even wanted because they'd heard the gunshots then. They were muffled and dull, but the people still left in the corridor all seemed to freeze simultaneously and then Mr Whittle was there, papers spilling out of his arms as he ushered them to the fire escape doors not two metres down the corridor. Laura had grabbed her wrist and Tina could still feel her arm throbbing slightly and she knew she would have bruises in the morning.
She'd followed the others outside numbly and the teachers had ordered them straight down and away towards the sidewalk and all Tina remembered was the crying and the heavy breathing and the shuffling and pushing around her and it was only as they congregated in a large group, spilling into the road that she really realised where she was again. Then the police arrived and everything had suddenly felt very, very real.
Someone nudged Tina in the shoulder and she was just about to nudge them back and tell them to find their own space when a ripple of hushed whispers crossed the crowd.
"Look," someone said, breathlessly, and Tina followed the man's arm, tiptoeing to see over the crowd.
They were going inside. She could just make out a group of police, dressed in black, guns held tightly making their way into the front doors of the school and Tina found herself swallowing back the tears again because this was it. Somehow they were going to get people out of there, but at what cost? She found herself asking, begging to whom she didn't even know in her head that they'd be OK. That they wouldn't hear any more shots or screams.
It felt like a lifetime before the first students started coming out of the school. They were walking in small clumps with the teachers alongside them, making their way to the parking lot. The crowd around Tina seemed to jump into life and people were gasping and sighing and laughing and pushing away and sobbing into cell phones. But Tina still couldn't see the glee club and everyone looked kind of blurry all together and if she could only remember what they had been wearing that day maybe it would have been easier to-
She could see Artie. Tina jolted forward and only stopped herself to make sure she wasn't seeing things as she fixed her gaze on where Artie was being pushed along by Coach Beiste and it was them wasn't it? It really was actually them because there was Ryder and Unique, and Brittany, and behind Brittany...
She didn't stop, pushing past people without any regard for politeness because the surge of relief and adrenaline that rushed through her was only telling her one thing, to make sure she got to them and checked they were OK and she needed to wrap them all into a hug.
She was slowed down by a police officer at the tape line but her garbled explanation must have been enough because somehow she was past him and she was racing up the path to where they were all stood. And then Blaine was in her arms and Tina didn't know the meaning of the word relief until that moment.
...
Her mom hadn't taken no for an answer. She'd been taken away from them again but Tina just clung onto the feeling of holding them in her arms, shaken and scared but safe and whole, and there. She opened her phone again in the car and fired off a quick text message to as many people as she could think of. She didn't really pay attention to what she was saying or who she was really sending it too. It didn't matter. As long as people knew it was all over.
On the way home her mom fired off question after question and Tina answered them straight and dutifully. She couldn't explain though the warm, settled, almost happy feeling that sat around her as they drove back to the house and she didn't even try to verbalise it to her mom and dad. They were all OK, and right now, it was all that mattered.
Kurt called her as she was walking into the house.
"Tina, please tell me everything's OK. I just got out of class and I had all these texts from Santana and you and – what happened?"
So Tina explained. She told him about the gunshots and the New Directions getting trapped and waiting outside. It all sounded rather monotonous and story like and it was only Kurt's reactions down the phone that kept reminding her that it had all actually happened. Once she was done, Kurt seemed to calm down a bit and was silent for a short while. Tina could hear Rachel saying something in the background.
"Tina, is... is Blaine really OK? I keep trying to call but I can't get through."
"He's fine Kurt," Tina replied, and her relief at her own words was surprisingly soothing, "I think he's just a bit shaken up. Everyone is. He's probably just with his parents...you know..."
Kurt seemed happy with that, which surprised Tina but she didn't argue and she let Kurt go when she heard Rachel shouting him in the background. She sat on her bed and fielded texts and calls all afternoon. She explained everything again to Sugar and tried to calm Brittany down because apparently Sam wasn't answering his phone either so she offered the same explanation she'd given to Kurt.
Then her mom confiscated her phone and made her come downstairs. Tina was used to her mom's fussing and so she put up with the offers of soup and tea and hugs and a shoulder to cry on, because actually, she'd put off crying for far too long today.
It was soothing to cry, but it didn't feel good. Tina almost felt guilty for getting so worked up over it when she hadn't even been in the building. She should have been the one comforting them. But her mom's hugs were nice, and the tears were for friends and that felt sort of cathartic.
And no matter what her mom said, next week she'd go back to school, and see the others and they'd probably sing a really pretty song about it and they'd have to keep going. They'd take those first, slow, scared steps back into the choir room and get ready for Regionals. Because really, bouncing back was one thing that the New Directions excelled at, but also because they didn't really have any other choice.