Author's notes: This is another pile of poorly-written rubbish. Don't expect anything serious - this is another crackfic, showing a veeeery out-of-character Bellatrix. As usual, bonus points for spotting the various references that I have shoved blatantly into this piece-of-poo prose. :D
Bellatrix was walking down Diagon Alley to Gringotts bank one day, as she needed money to buy a new dress. As she strolled past Scrivenshafts', the smell of freshly baked bread wafted out of a side-alley, and Bellatrix caught a glimpse of an old witch standing hunched over a table with a delicious-looking array of baked goodies.
That looks positively amazing, Bellatrix thought to herself, as she halted abruptly for to take in the fantastic scent emanating from the alley. She had always adored visiting bakeries, with the wonderful smells, colourful cakes standing in rows in display cases and the helpfulness of the bakers as they said "What would you like today, Miss Bella?" and wrapped her selection of the day in a brown paper bag for her to munch as she browsed the shops in Knockturn Alley for Dark artefacts.
However, Bellatrix distinctly remembered being highly disappointed in Hogsmeade's lack of decent bakeries when she attended Hogwarts herself, and everybody knew that nothing had changed in the UK's oldest wizarding village for a good few decades, when some ditzy witch brought an old house and converted it into some prissy tea-shop. Bellatrix scowled; what Hogsmeade desperately needed was a good old-fashioned bakery.
It just so happened that Bellatrix was becoming more and more disenchanted with her full-time job as the Dark Lord Voldemort's last, best lieutenant; after all, there were only so many times one could risk one's own life (even for the man one loved – stuff her husband, he was a wimp compared to Voldemort) before one got so fed up they would reasonably be able to hand in their resignation. After all, even though Voldemort would not appreciate her resignation, Bellatrix was sufficiently skilled to ensure that he didn't manage to kill her.
Bellatrix handed in her resignation remotely with a banishing charm the next day, and immediately moved up to Hogsmeade. She offered the ridiculous Madam Puddifoot (what kind of a name was that?) a large sum of money for her tea-shop, which Bellatrix then set about converting into a bakery. She bought a large oven, a huge amount of flour and a hairnet (which broke the minute she attempted to cram her vast cloud of hair into it). She hired a young boy who was just out of Hogwarts to clean up the place and set the sign on the door to "open".
After a few days of small but steady business with the villagers, the weekend arrived. However, this particular weekend was a Hogsmeade visiting day for the students of Hogwarts, so for the entire afternoon the village was flooded with students. Bellatrix was pleased, this meant she'd be selling lots of cakes.
At noon on the dot, a young couple walked in, holding hands and giggling. Bellatrix raised an eyebrow, and the girl stared around the place taking in the sight of cakes adorning the shelves and a selection of bread and pastries, evidently unable to believe her eyes.
"What happened to Madam Puddifoot's?" she demanded, glaring at Bellatrix, whose raised eyebrow disappeared into her hairline.
"Madam Puddifoot took the large sum of money I gave her very happily and decided to move to Belgium," Bellatrix drawled. "This shop is now called Bella's Buns."
"You can't be serious," the boy said.
"Oh, but I am," Bellatrix said, gleefully. "This is the finest bakery you will find for many miles in any direction. We sell cupcakes, loaves of bread, baguettes, apricot tarts and anything else you care to name. What would you like?"
"I want a nice cup of tea with my boyfriend, thank you very much," the girl frowned, grabbed the boy's arm and dragging him from the shop. Bellatrix was unhappy; why had the couple not been tempted to a jam roll?
As Bellatrix was pondering what she could have done better to ensure a sale, with a tinkle of the bell the door opened and a small group of half-a-dozen people strolled in, led by a dark-haired boy with a pair of glasses and a very familiar scar on his forehead. Harry Potter immediately spotted Bellatrix and pointed his wand at her nose.
"What do you want, you horrid bitch?" he snarled at her. Bellatrix put her wand on the desk and raised both hands, her eyes wide with innocence. Harry looked taken-aback.
"I am here, darling children," Bellatrix said, gritting her teeth, "because I felt that Hogsmeade had a severe lack of bakeries that needed remedying."
"Oh, that's alright then," said the red-headed girl on Harry Potter's arm. "Because we saw a sign for Bella's Buns and, frankly, it smelled absolutely delightful." Bellatrix smiled.
"Would you care for a treacle tart?" Bellatrix asked the group. Harry's snarl twitched, as he accepted a treacle tart and sniffed it suspiciously.
"Well, it doesn't seem to be explosive, or poisonous..." Harry said. He bravely took a bite, as a girl with bushy brown hair frowned. "Oh my," Harry said, after swallowing the mouthful. "That's flipping delicious. I'll take OVER 9000."
The boy Bellatrix had hired to clean up, who was currently arranging the cakes under the counter in the display cases into neat rows, stood up abruptly and hit his head on the underside of the counter. A girl in Potter's group with long, straggly blonde hair laughed softly, as the boy scowled at her.
"Careful, Groves," Bellatrix warned the boy. "You'll be needed to deal with this massive order. And just how are you expecting to pay for this?" she said, turning back to Harry.
"Oh, I wouldn't worry," Harry said, withdrawing a huge bag of gold as the two gingers in his party stared at it enviously. Bellatrix eyed the bag greedily as Harry handed the whole thing over. "Also," he said, "I'll take my order now." Bellatrix was puzzled.
"How in the world do you intend to carry OVER 9000 treacle tarts back to Hogwarts, Potter?" she asked, her eyes boggling.
"Again, not to worry," said Harry, grinning. He pointed his wand at Bellatrix's entire stock of treacle tarts , muttered "Wingardium Leviosa," and the pastries flew into the air and soared towards the school. Bellatrix wondered what several thousand pastries flying off towards one of the towers would look like, when she heard a series of "Ooh!"s and "Aah!"s outside the shop. Harry gave Bellatrix a satisfied smile, and walked out, accompanied by his group.
Word had apparently spread quickly among the Hogwarts students, as that afternoon the bakery was absolutely inundated with students, all clamouring for a cake. At the end of the day, Bellatrix closed up shop wearing a very satisfied expression. I'm so glad I'm able to provide for the current students what I wished I'd had myself, Bellatrix thought, as she helped herself to a slice of baguette and sat down to read the Daily Prophet.