All Too Final
SETTINGS: During Tabula Rasa. Giles flight doesn't leave until morning, Buffy hasn't kissed Spike at the Bronze.
DISCLAIMER: Oh how I wish they were mine. *sighs*
RATINGS: PG-13. Kattie don't write smut.
EMAIL: katters_s@hotmail.com
SPOILERS: Up to Tabula Rasa.
PAIRING: B/G, B/S (basically I had ideas for two diff fics and figured, why not put em together…much easier)
NOTES: For the convenience of this fic, Giles isn't living in the Summers house when he leaves.
ONWARDS:
CHAPTER ONE: WRITING
It was dark in her room. She liked it that way though. The dark was comfortable, familiar. It was well past midnight and the only light in her room was a soft glow from the streetlamp across the road that shone in through her window. She had spent six years in the dark, had spent an eternity floating through a peaceful emptiness, and being thrust back into the light had been excruciating. No one could understand that. Well, no one except for a neutered vampire who cheated at kitten poker.
And her Watcher. But he was gone. Well, not gone yet, but, he was going. In less than ten hours, he would be on a flight bound for London, never to return to Sunnydale again. And it hurt her.
She had to admit that the fact that his announcement to leave the country had felt like a kick in the gut had been a bit of a shock. She hadn't felt anything like that in the two months that she'd been back. Just seeing him again had almost taken her breath away, but having him leave…it felt like a part of her was being ripped away, and seeing as she didn't feel as though there was that much of her left to take away, it was frighteningly scary. She had almost resigned herself to the fact that she would never feel anything again.
That she would just go through the motions, pretend to feel things, putting on a smiley face so that her friends wouldn't worry, wouldn't hover, wouldn't cast spells to reverse her memory. Willow's spell had completely backfired and had almost gotten her killed, and it had just made her hurt even more. Being confronted with a lifetime of memories, painful, scary, terrifying things had nearly shocked her back into the blissful comatose state she had put herself in after Dawn had been taken by Glory.
She sighed and closed her eyes, willing the painful memories to just disappear. She wanted to be able to just move on. To 'get over it'. The others hadn't understood her moods, hadn't understood her misery until she had told them that she had been ripped from heaven. And after they'd been told, her best friend had betrayed her even further.
That's all Willow seemed to do lately. Betray and hurt and lie and manipulate.
Buffy leant over, and with her eyes still shut, she flicked on the small lamp beside her bed, flinching as the harshness of the light penetrated her closed lids. She opened her eyes slowly and reached down to open the bottom drawer in the chest next to her bed. She retrieved a lined notepad and her favourite pen, wondering whether or not this was a good idea.
For the last hour she had been having an internal debate. To write or not to write. That is the question. She had to admit that even though she was hurting, it didn't give her the right to be a complete and utter bitch to the two people that had been nothing but supportive from the very beginning of her third chance at life.
They deserved better, and who was she to try and dictate their lives for them. She wanted her life to be understood, so she would have to pay them the same courtesy.
And so…she began to write.
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He wasn't leaving until ten, she knew that much, so when eight o'clock rolled around, she knew she would have to stop writing. Her hand had become cramped, her writing had changed considerably, no longer the neat and precise cursive writing that had been used from pages one through fifteen, but suddenly a messy scrawl that went from pages sixteen through thirty seven.
Thirty seven pages and she still had the urge to keep writing. She shrugged when she idly wondered if he would get sick of reading. She figured that with a flight that would last about twenty hours he could probably use something to read anyway. For one horrifying second she wondered if he got motion sickness and wouldn't be able to read it on the plane, but then she remembered that this was Giles she was thinking about and he would have been able to read under six feet of concrete.
She knew he wasn't expecting her to be at the airport, knew that he wasn't really expecting her to talk to him ever again, especially when he was leaving because of her, but she knew that Giles deserved so much better than that. He had sacrificed his life, his happiness so that he could be her Watcher, and if she didn't at least give him a proper goodbye, it showed that she truly had little to no respect for him.
And she did respect him. She loved him. She could only truly say that of two people now, and it hurt to admit that. Dawn and Giles. The others merely faded into the background. She resented them. She was only just learning to tolerate them, and she had to admit it was almost easier now that they had found out about what they had truly done to her. Before, when Willow had been boasting about how brilliant she was, it had been hard not to hate the girl. Now that she was hurting and miserable and her life was shattering, it was almost easier for Buffy to begin to like her again.
She rolled off her stomach, stretching her back and flexing the fingers on her right hand. They were stiff and there was a small half moon mark from where her fingernail had been digging into the skin of her forefinger for too long, but the pain was worth it. At least she felt something, she mused quietly.
She rolled off the bed and crouched next to her dressing table, searching the bottom drawer for an envelope thick enough for thirty seven pages. All she found was a second hand manila envelope that looked as though it had seen better days. After a quick search, she found that the old envelope was the only thing that could possibly hold the pages together. She gave up the search and slid the pages in, sealing it with a piece of sticky tape.
She ran a tired hand through her hair and stood up, quickly changing her outfit and mentally kicking herself for not trying to get the grass stains out of her pants that had been ruined from last nights fight. Brushing her hair as she made her way down the stairs, envelope in hand, she made her way into the kitchen, thankful that Dawn's alarm had already woken the teenager up.
"Morning," Buffy greeted, trying not to sound as tired as she felt.
Dawn favoured her with a smile. It wasn't often that Dawn's older sister made it up in time for breakfast. In fact, Dawn wondered if Buffy would ever get out of bed if it hadn't been to make sure that Dawn was actually attending school.
"Hey Buff. You want breakfast?" Dawn offered.
Buffy tried not to scrunch up her nose at the offer and politely declined, settling herself at the counter with half a glass of juice that had become her regular morning indulgence.
Dawn spied the envelope and grabbed at it.
"What's this?"
"Letter to Giles," Buffy explained, not even attempting to grab it back. She knew there was no point fighting for it when it was the Dawn the Quizmaster opposing her.
"It's thick enough. How many pages is it?"
"Bout forty," she replied easily.
Dawn just shrugged, knowing that she would never understand the complex nature of her sister. She had noticed that Buffy had been incredibly hurt and bitter when Giles had been informing the rest of the gang that he was planning on going back to England. It was no secret that Buffy didn't want him to go. The rest of the Gang had briefly discussed it and had wanted to tell Giles that he had the worst timing ever, but had thought better of it.
"You gonna post it to him, or you heading to the airport?"
"Airport. His plane leaves in two hours, so I gotta find a bus or convince someone to drive me there," Buffy explained.
"You could ask Giles for a lift," Dawn suggested.
Buffy shook her head. "Far too logical Dawnie. 'Sides, I kinda wanna surprise him before I spurt into my whole apology thing," she said.
"Apology?"
Buffy managed to smile sheepishly as she perched herself on the kitchen bench.
"I kinda went into full bitch mode when he told me he was leaving," Buffy admitted.
Dawn nodded, fully understanding that her sister would be upset with Giles departure announcement. Dawn had to admit that saying goodbye to Giles the first time had been excruciating. She had wanted to yell at him, ask him how he could leave her there on her own when she had already lost her mother and her sister. She didn't understand how he could leave her there with no real adults to look after her.
"Is it just me or do all the guys we know end up leaving," Dawn commented quietly.
That statement hit Buffy hard. She swallowed her mouthful of juice and just started sadly at her sister. At least she wasn't the only one to notice that disturbing trend in the men in their lives.
"No, it's not just you," Buffy replied.
Dawn sighed and rinsed out her bowl, leaving it in the sink. She turned to her sister and smiled brightly, surprising the blonde girl that Dawn could just switch her emotions on and off so quickly.
"Gotta run, don't wanna be late! Good luck with the whole Giles thing. Oh, and give him a big hug from me too," Dawn said quickly, giving her sister a peck on the cheek and racing out the door before Buffy could even get in a goodbye.
Buffy smiled softly at her sisters antics and finished her juice, not having enough motivation to jump down off the counter just yet. She checked the clock on the wall. 8:25. She wanted to be at the airport at 9:00 so she and Giles could have about forty minutes to talk before he had to board his flight.
She moved slowly back up the stairs, pulled out a small box from the top drawer of her dressing table and then moved over to her cupboard to find a pair of her most comfortable running shoes. She figured that if she had been endowed with Slayer strength and speed, she may as well use it once in a while. With any luck, it would only be a forty minute run to the airport.