Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi

I. Men Don't Cry

When little Elijah Goldsworthy was small, he'd sit on his father's lap and watch the ring glint and shine spectacularly on the wrinkled hand of his dad. The skull intrigued him and he just wanted to touch it or wear it, because if his father could, why couldn't he? But his dad told him that someday, maybe soon, when he became a man, the ring would be his. He could wear the skull and feel empowered. He had told his son the story of the ring. How Bullfrog's parents were strict Jewish people, with a plan and an agenda. And being the rebel and teenager that Bullfrog was, he acted out. But first, he bought the ring. To him, it showed that he was going to live his own life. He was going to marry the punk rock chick that had him going crazy. He was going to be a man.

Eli had forgotten about the ring after his young-boy infatuation with it dissolved. He grew older and his old love for the shiny metal was redirected to that one girl that would walk past him every day in school. His extracurricular activities included taking Julia out behind the bleachers and adding a bit more color to her neck. He used to squeeze her hand and whisper in her ear that he loved her so, so much. And he did. He wasn't exactly sure why, because they fought a lot and they said awful things to each other, and most of the time he was utterly convinced that she hated him. But she did love him back. Somehow, she did, and she told him every day in Morty, when the sun would drift down and would leave an almost angelic glow on her cheek bones.

He wasn't used to having friends, let alone having a girlfriend, but he got used to it. And her laugh became the theme song to his overly dramatic life. Her scent attached itself on his clothing and claimed it as its own. Her breath tickled his neck on those late, starry nights when she'd shiver against him and smile, with her teeth shining in the darkness. And when he'd wake up on early Saturday mornings, with her still next to him, he'd watch her breathe. The intake of breath caused a domino effect on her muscles, and more than anything, Eli wanted to capture her in those moments. When her muscles twitched and her light snoring screamed that she was alive and lovely and that she was for him. Only for him.

The day Julia died; the rain covered the earth and Elijah Goldsworthy. When he had found out that she had died after his angry fight with her, he ran into the rain. He ran until he couldn't run anymore and he dropped to the ground, hoping the rain would wash his pain away. As the rain fell on him, he wondered how many other people in the world watched or sat in the rain. He wanted to know if they knew what it was like to feel like everything was numb. He wanted to know if he was actually alone in the cold world, he needed to know this. He needed to know that there was life outside of the dark and cold rain, if he could walk out into the sun at any given moment in time and be free. He wanted to, no; he needed to know this. Because the rain fell on him with vengeance. It knew his regrets and his heart. It knew that he had killed the only person that knew he could be something.

After he had gotten out of the rain- the person that owned the property that he had collapsed on, kindly told him to move- he walked back to his house, with his clothes clinging to his weak body. It clung to him like a restraint, but he could care less and almost wanted to feel uncomfortable. Because, you see, he deserved it. When he trudged up the stairs to his room, and walked into his bedroom, he all but attacked his bed. The clothes were almost a reminder that he was still in the dark and freezing cold. He curled himself together in a ball, and, for the first time in four years, he began to cry. They were earth-shattering sobs and he wanted them to stop, because people would hear, and they'd know the monster that lurked below his skin.

Now, Elijah Goldsworthy wasn't sure when his father had pulled him into his arms, or how he even came into the locked bedroom, but when the sweet scent of tobacco hit Eli's nose, he pulled his father tighter into his arms.

"Here." His father grunted after a while, holding out his hand. Eli merely looked at it without curiosity and suddenly remembered how terrible his father was at making people feel better. When Eli didn't respond, Bullfrog pushed something onto his out-stretched hand.

The skull ring.

"But I'm crying." Eli muttered; confused, and unable to say what he meant. He wasn't a man, he was crying. Men don't cry. Men are supposed to be strong and mighty, not weak and flimsy.

"Men do cry."

And those three words, were enough to make him smile. And those three words made him clutch the ring to himself, letting the cool metal inhabit his skin and make him feel worth something, like Julia did. He didn't deserve it, and he knew deep down that he was no man and that he was barely a boy, but he held it anyways.

But he promised himself that someday, somehow, he'd be a man and deserve it.

For his father and his skull ring.

II. Men Do Cry

Clare Edwards scared him. No, she wasn't a ghost, and she wasn't Michael Myers, but she was a girl that knew way too much about him. She knew the smallest things about him, and some of these things she learned by just observing, and these were things that he didn't know about himself. She scared him, because there were times that she knew him more than he did. He followed her like a lost puppy, trailing after her like she was the key to all the hidden answers of the world. He asked her questions and was always amazed the she knew the square root of pi and knew almost every quote from Poe.

She went with him on urban adventures and told him about her family, about how they used to be "perfect" and how she didn't know who she was. She listened to him talk about Julia and smiled at all the right parts of his stories, and frowned at all the times that Eli wanted to cry. She talked about her childhood and how her parents used to take her to the park across the street from Degrassi. And how she used to make her parents slide down each obstacle, and how they did it, with big smiles on their faces. She even wondered out loud if maybe it were her fault. Maybe it was her fault for even being born.

They were tied together like rope, and he never wanted to let her go.

He knew that he was in love with her when she told him the she was like Sylvia Plath; she wanted to fill her clothes up with stones and sink into the darkest depths of the river. "To make a...splash-pun intended, of course." She had said with a smirk similar to his, and while that was when Eli knew he was in love, it was also the first time that he had ever gotten that mad at someone. He shook her shoulders and told her that she couldn't do that. She was Clare Edwards and she had to know how beautiful she was. She had to know. He needed her to know. He wasn't sure what he'd do without her, and he wanted her to know that there were days where he'd live for her smile and only her smile, because he was sure that she thought that no one cared. Even though, in all reality, he cared too much.

When he actually and finally told her that he loved her, it wasn't planned. It was a quick screech out of his mouth and that was it, then came the silence. He wanted to bash his head against the wall because he told Clare Edwards that he was in love with her. In love, not just a friend love, but a deep intimate feeling that only came out when he felt and saw her. These words came out of his mouth when they sat in Morty, he with a cigarette in his mouth, and she chewing on a pen. He had been watching her write down each of her thoughts on the notepad and he watched her bite her lip and her muscles twitch with every minor movement. And he got that familiar feeling in his gut, the feeling that ached enough for him to think of the girl in the past and to know that this was powerful enough to even do anything about.

"Soon." She had said after that, a smile loose on her pink and irresistible lips. She had then gotten out of Morty and walked the couple of yards to her front door, leaving Eli alone to wonder if that was a rejection or a postponed talk.

Though, Elijah Goldsworthy soon figured out what "soon" meant. It meant that she was going to come over to his house on a weekend with a box of condoms to say that she loved him too. He was slightly amused as she stood in front of him, with her robe stripped off, leaving her in only the necessary fabrics. Though, his amusement dropped as she came closer, those now unnecessary fabrics gracefully making their way to the floor. He asked her to stop, because once he would start, that would be the end of it. She gently purred that it was okay, and that it was what she wanted. And Eli was right. Once he started, he couldn't stop. Because the lavender smell that adorned her warm and soft skin made him lose control in the most primal way. As he panted over her, with his breath fanning her face, she smiled at him. Now, this smile wasn't just any smile. It was something out of this world and especially when she smiled with a sweet "I love you" coming out of her mouth. That's what snagged him. He was caught in her lips and her eyes and for the first time in a truly long time, he was vulnerable, dammit. And when those three words made their way out of his mouth, they cracked. They cracked because of his tears. He was naked for the first time, and he was with someone that would take his vulnerable side and hold it and not break it.

When she fell asleep that night, he traced his finger against her skin, slowly spelling out her name. He wrote it cursively and slowly, making sure that the invisible tattoo came out right. She murmured lightly in her sleep and he watched her say his name every once in a while. He looked up at the ceiling once the tattoo that she would never see was done and he looked around. Everything seemed different. Everything was colorful and not just in simple black and white. Everything was where it was supposed to be.

Before he broke into a deep slumber, he looked down at his two hands. On his pinky, were the ring that symbolized love, and the other ring that symbolized being a man. At first, to Eli, he laughed because the rings seemed to mean two completely different things, but he began to wonder if maybe they were the same thing, or just connected. The thought of being a man and love being connected made his pulse jump. He began to wonder if maybe, just maybe, you had to be a man to truly love, to unconditionally love someone. And when that idea seem right, it was then that Elijah Goldsworthy knew that he was a man. It was a melting of an old perspective. He had felt more love in a day, than most people that he knew.

And for the first time, he felt like he deserved to wear the skull ring, and because of that, he felt like he deserved to wear Clare's.

He was a man. And maybe he always had been.

...I'm sorry for not posting in a month. This month was busy and I've been working on my new chapter fic.

So.

A review would be lovely!