AN- This arose from a discussion with a friend about the outrage of people giving noble Sindarin princes cute nicknames. I know it's been done before, but hopefully I've done it well enough that it's still amusing.
For the sake of convenience, our heroine materializes on the Eastern edge of Mirkwood.
Her name is Lavender Celeste Scarlet Lily Rose Ebony Forest Phoenix, but we shall call her Mary Sue. Her hair, tossed carelessly over her shoulder to fall in soft curls down her back, is the perfect shade of sun kissed auburn. Her large, innocent eyes are a deep blue-violet, framed by long, dark lashes. Her skin is creamy white, unblemished, and soft as silk. She is slender as a willow wand, blessed with extraordinary grace, except when a cutesy tumble into the arms of a hot male is necessary. We will ignore the fact that this combination is near biologically impossible and can only be achieved by excessive makeup and photoshop.
In addition to this she is a perfectly normal girl hailing from the small town of Madeupname, Ohio. Her previous life was a lonely one. She was bullied incessantly; none of her peers understood the true beauty her kind, sensitive nature. Her parents made her clean the house and do chores all day. Her only comfort was her precious Lord of the Rings movies- she had loved them ever since she first observed Legolas Thranduilion gazing out on Rivendell. (The books proved too dense for her, and she abandoned them before the Prancing Pony.) She was ecstatic to find that the mysterious cupboard under her stairs was in fact a portal to Middle Earth.
She looks around her and quickly recognizes the deep and foreboding forest of her movies. The trees bend under loads of thick cobwebs, allowing no light through the canopy. Eerie whisperers drift through the closely spaced trunks. A scent of decay fills the air. Most sane people, regardless of their degree of Tolkien obsession, would be frightened. But Mary Sue practically squeals in delight. "Omigod, I'm going to see my Leggy!"
But before she can begin her search for the elf of her dreams, she hears a noise behind her, as of something large dragging its way through the dead leaves on the forest floor. Slowly, she turns. Then she screams.
It is a well known fact that the spiders of Mirkwood harbor an extreme dislike of intruders.
Prince Legolas of the Woodland Realm is doing a routine patrol when he hears a very unusual noise- terrified human screams. He and his group run to the source of the shrieks to find a young girl pinned against the tree by a swam of spiders, being wrapped with webs.
The spiders are quickly dealt with, and the elves unwrap the girl. She is gibbering in language they cannot understand- not Westron or Sindarin or any known tongue of Middle Earth. Her eyes focus on Legolas, and she shrieks. "Leggy!" She reaches out to embrace him, gazing up into his eyes.
Legolas's brow furrows in confusion and disgust. Why is this girl hanging onto him like a limpet? Is she deranged? Her touch is unfamiliar and disconcerting- physical affection is uncommon in elfin culture.
Mary Sue sees Legolas frown. This is not going according to plan. Maybe extreme action is warranted. She tightens her grip on him. "Don't be sad, Leggy. I'm here for you now. I'm your soulmate!" And she kisses him full on the mouth.
We pause in our telling of the tale now, to consider Mary Sue's eventual fate. If she stays in Middle Earth her immune system will be overwhelmed with bacteria and viruses unique to Arda, which she has never before been exposed to. She will likely die, and painfully. Perhaps, with this in mind, we may consider it a mercy that Legolas ends her life here and now with an arrow to the brain.
The End.