We're In Heaven
The smell of alcohol on my breath, my arms and legs are weak. "What the hell happened?" My nose hurts so badly, so I begin to rub lightly. "Butters?" I called out his name because I knew I was either sleeping in his guestroom or in my own bed, and my mom would come in saying good morning and telling me I was dreaming because Butters wasn't there. No one responded. I tried to force my eyes open. Whatever I was laying on felt like knives in my back, but when I tried to pick myself up, nothing would happen. Something was holding me down. After I called for my mom, everything got blurry and a bright light shined into my eyes, so I shut them. A beeping sound hummed in my ears and I could feel the echo burning in my throat.
I continued calling peoples names, "Pip, are you there?" but I still got no reply. My head was in sharp pain, I was so confused that I didn't realize how painful it was until I calmed down. Have you ever gotten a head rush, a really bad one that made you have to squeeze something, squint your eyes, and made you cry? That's how I'm feeling, although I don't remember eating ice cream recently. I get this hot feeling in my chest, and I keep wishing Butters was here to explain everything. I attempt to open my eyes again, my lids are playing tug-a-war, and I won slightly, I could see mere images of people. My heart begins to race when I see my mom looking through the small glass window and all the doctors surrounding me. "How the hell did I get here?" The more I talked the more people ignored me, than I realized my lips weren't even moving and I hadn't been talking this whole time.
I was still looking at my mom while she cried, I thought doctors were suppose to close the blinds so people couldn't see what was going on, and so the patients guardians wouldn't be in a tizzy. Thinking about the pain I could feel but I wasn't able to understand made me nervous. I didn't know what was going on with my body. My heart started to race faster, so fast that I couldn't catch up with it and out of my control, my eyes shut. My head stopped hurting, my chest got cold, my eyes stopped playing tug-a-war, my mom and her tears were gone, and the beeping had stopped. It was just me and the darkness. Opening my eyes this time wasn't a war. The only problem was that I wasn't sure if they were opened or closed because of the pure obliteration of light.
Than I saw a boy who lit up the darkness so I could actually see my hands. This boy called my name and his voice didn't sound familiar because I was so far away from him. In the blink of an eye he was so close to me he could give me a hug, and I could smell his cologone. He had wavy, blond, hair and when I reached out to touch it I could feel the smoothness of it through my fingers. I couldn't see his face because along with the wedding dress he had on, was a really heavy veil. For all I know it could be a homeless dude with long, wavy, blond, smooth hair. After a long pause of silence he lifted his veil and it was, "Butters?" I should have known it was him because no one has smoother hair than Butter's. "Where are we?" he took my hand and began to walk with me through the nothing, without answering my question.
It took me thirty seconds to realize he was holding my hand, and thirty more seconds to realize we were actually walking. The darkness was playing tricks on my mind. The warmth of his hand wasn't reflecting onto mine, so I kept squeezing his hard enough for his to flinch or for me to feel it, but nothing happened. All he did was smile at me. "Butters, why won't you answer my question?" I was going to be persistent on asking him questions until he answered them. "I could get in trouble if I answer them Kenny" his innocent voice and the way he was biting his lip made me want to keep going even though I knew it was hard for him. I could tell by the pained look in his eyes.
"Butters, are you breaking up with me?" after I said that Butters gave me a confused look. Have you ever had a dream that you felt was real, and you said something really stupid but you couldn't control yourself from saying it because it's a dream? Whenever you run from something you run too slowly? Or whenever someone insults you, it's like your mouth is glued shut? Again, that's how I was feeling. I understand why Butters was confused. I'm in the middle of nothing, my boyfriend is in a wedding dress glowing like a firefly, and I can't feel anything. "No Kenny, just shut up for once and listen okay?", Butters never really asked for much so I nodded my head and kept my mouth shut. As he began to explain what was going on, I noticed there was no reflection in his eyes and the scar he always had on his chin was gone. I heard a snapping noise and blinked. It was Butters snapping his fingers trying to get my attention, so I stood up straight and ditched my thoughts.
Butters said I needed to fix myself, even though he loved me, he needs me to change. I'm not sure why though. "Kenny, they're forcing me to decide" he paused, probably because I grabbed his shoulders, not even aware of my actions. I could tell he wanted to cry, and it was strange because his scar started to reappear as little tear droplets rolled down his cheek. "Just fix it Kenny" he said in a demanding tone as he wiped the tears. Before I could ask any more questions, he was gone and I was standing in front of Stan's house.
Pip is a short guy and although he's older than me he could be mistaken for my younger sixteen year old brother. "Hey, Ken" he patted me hard on the back and pushed me onto the couch. "Take a seat" I laughed at what he said because I was already sitting. Pip grabbed a couple beers from the fridge and I drank one until Butters came in and I hid it behind my back. Butters told me to stop drinking after I got a couple DUI's and mainly because he didn't want me getting hurt. "What's up?" I'm assuming he asked that because I did have a look on my face that made it seem like I was hiding something, but I didn't answer and that's probably what forced him to sit next to me. When he plopped down on the couch some of the beer spilled out of the can and it was so strong you could smell the little stains on the couch. "You're drinking" he said while grabbing behind me and feeling the beer bottle. "You promised me you'd stop, I thought you were going to change for me" Then it hit me, change.
The rest of the night went on and I didn't put one bottle of beer to my lips, Butters kept smiling at me like he was proud of me since I haven't gone a weekend without drinking since I was in 9th grade. Pip kept drinking though and I tried to convince him to quit for just one weekend, but he wouldn't listen. Once Pip started something he had to finish it so every time he would open a beer that was his excuse. Pip began acting a bit weird and Butters felt uncomfortable, probably because he began touching his legs and telling him to knit him a scarf, so we left.
"I like your truck" he said as he felt the texture of the seat belt. "I hope you know you're a freak" after I said that it was quiet; he didn't like when I insulted him even when I was joking. "You're too serious sometimes Buttercup." I coughed because I could still taste the beer in my throat and it was tickling my lungs. "Stop the car" oddly, I listened to him and drove a bit off the road, cutting the engine. "Why are we stopping the car?" I asked only to realize he didn't want to be in the car anymore because by the time I was half way through asking the question he was out the door. I couldn't help but follow after him.
"Butters, what the hell are you doing?"
"You said you would change Kenny"
"That was a joke Butters"
"A joke? Are you kidding me Kenny?"
"Shut up Butters, you're an idiot, just shut up"
She started to turn away.
"You're selfish and angry Kenny, so stay away from me"
After he said that I grabbed his arm and when he tried to pull away I grabbed it harder pulling him closer to me. He kept asking me to let go because I was hurting him, but early that day I had already drank about 6 cans of beer so I was off the edge and a bit too angry. The weird thing about this situation was that I didn't feel any of this going on, I was watching from afar like a ghost, I was thinking how stupid I could have been to touch Butters that way and give him bruises. Then I saw myself throwing Butters in the car like he was a garbage bag, I threw him so hard he hit his head on the top of the car. I could hear the yelling and Butters's crying from a mile away. How could I have been so angry with him when he did nothing, but tell me the truth? I was selfish and angry, but mainly stupid to have let this all get to me so late.
That's when the realization hit me. It was the mixture of alcohol, my anger issues, Pip getting to wild around Butters, driving like I was hot shit, and telling Butters to keep his seat belt off because he wouldn't pay attention to me, he'd only be interested in how nice the truck is. They were all my selfish and stupid actions that had the biggest consequence, which were what I then saw, Butters's life and mine. What I had missed seeing because I was playing tug-a-war with my eyes, I was seeing now. The eighteen wheeler truck smashing into my car because I was too busy fighting with Butters over something stupid that wasn't even worth him ever forgiving me if we did make it out alive.
I saw them pressing on my chest with defibrillatorstrying to bring me back to life because obviously the accident wasn't good, studying myself made me feel selfish since I wasn't worrying about me. I was worrying about Butters, and how he was doing. Since I saw him in that darkness filled with nothing except him glowing in a wedding dress, did that mean he died too?
I walked down the hall a little, only a couple rooms down and I saw him. There were no doctors in the room just a priest, a bible, and his aunt who had been taking care of him because both of his parents left him when he was only six. Butters's lifeless body, closed eyes, pale skin, made me want to go back to the darkness where he wasn't so lifeless and his skin wasn't so pale. When the priest and his aunt left I walked into the room, not like they'd see me anyways, I was pretty much invisible. "I'm sorry" I whispered to him even though I knew he couldn't hear me. Dead people have that problem. "I forgive you Kenny" I turned around and saw him standing there in that same wedding dress which was now ripped, and his goth eyeliner was smeared. "Have you been crying?" and he replied "just a little" with a smirk. Butters said he'd never heard me say sorry, sincerely that is, and it made him so happy that he cried a little. "I realized what a jerk I've been my whole life, I'm sorry I tricked you into thinking I was this nice guy when we first met, I'm sorry I made you fall in love with someone I'm not" there was silence for about five seconds, "you are a nice guy Kenny, you just got lost in the reality of alcohol and your friends." I couldn't argue with that because he was right, all the time. Whenever we would get into an argument it would be because of me even though I'd blame it on him, deciding to drink alcohol was not only my friend's choice, but also mine. What a stupid choice it was.
"So, what do we do now?" I asked.
"I forgot to tell you, although you didn't have the power to fix anything because you can't interfere with the past, you can't change what's already occurred, but they could save you. So it's your decision now."
I pointed to myself in surprise that who ever is in control of my being is giving me a second chance. Why would I want a second chance though? If I went back to the life I was just living,Butters wouldn't be around and I'd have to live the rest of my life without him, probably drinking with Pip and going nowhere. "For once in my life I'm going to make a smart decision." So I grabbed Butters hand and we walked into the bright light at the end of the hallway, sort of like those movies when the angels go back to their home in the sky. Except, this wasn't a movie, and I knew I was entering a heaven greater than the one I'd thought I'd known.
Okay number 1.) Butters is wearing a wedding dress because well.. I could totally see him wearing one! He would look so cute! number 2.) Butters had goth eyeliner on for the affect on his eyes. number 3.) If you guys can tell me why he was wearing a wedding dress, THEN GOLD STAR! Okay, now now now. Review!