I Loved You Once But I Hated You Now
DISCLAIMER: ALL CHARACTERS AND VERSE IS J. AND I AM JUST RESPONSIBLE FOR MY TAKE ON HER GENIUS. I AM IN NO WAY PROFITTING FROM THIS STORY
Summary: Hermione tells Harry about what she has been feeling for a long time. The three Weasleys hate her and Harry is clueless, as usual. Find out what happened. This is not happy ending Hhr and no character death. DH spoilers minus crapilogue.
Chapter1: Harry Bashing
"Hermione, what happened? Why'd you do it? He is a mess right now. Ginny is angry at you, Mrs. Weasley turns sour immediately when someone even mentions your name. The only ones who aren't commenting are George and Percy. Why did you break his heart like that?" Harry shouted all this the minute he apparated to Grimauld Place facing Hermione Jane Granger.
"Why, hello to you too Harry Potter. How do you do this fine afternoon? Would you like a cup of tea, juice or butterbeer perhaps?" Hermione replied, settling herself on the couch in the sitting room.
"I'm quite surprised it took you this long to make it here, how long were you at the burrow? How is Ron? Is he being fed very well?" she continued to open the book she was holding. It was as if an angry Harry was an everyday occurrence best dealt with by ignoring it.
"What's wrong with you?! I am here telling you that our best friend is suffering from a broken heart. One that happened to be caused by you! You're here acting as if it's nothing important! What is going on?" He shouted, louder this time, if such a feat was even possible. He even looked as if he was going to cry.
"Maybe it's because I'm the one that broke up with him. Maybe it's because I did it a week ago. Maybe it's because I don't see it as something to worry about. Maybe it's because I knew he wasn't inlove with me to begin with and that I wasn't inlove with him. You can choose your pick." She replied candidly.
"Hermione, this is Ron we're talking about. I can't just let you hurt him and then act like nothing's happened. You really hurt him and I don't think whatever he did deserved what he's going through. You've got to go apologize to him Hermione and make things right.
Mrs. Weasley is talking about 'the kind of woman you are'" which got a snort from her "and Ginny will not be forgiving but you have to use that Gryffindor courage and be the bigger person." He said
"You also have to tell me why you did what you did to him. I can't forgive you easily either. Especially since you're sitting here like you wouldn't be bother to care."
"That's because I don't, give a damn that is. You can tell Mrs. Weasley that I am not the one who used Amortentia to 'hook' a man so she should just bugger off. Tell Ginny she can go suck on a broom and who else? Ah, tell Ron to suck it up and stop being a cry baby.
You, you can take that 'Gryffindor courage' bull and shove it up where the sun will never shine. I did what I had to do and I am not apologizing to anyone. I expect apologies to come from them, especially you.
On second thought, I don't need your two cents worth apologies anyhow. Now unless you have anything worthwhile to say, I'm reading." She went back to her book and searched for where to continue.
Harry grabbed the book away from her and tried, unsuccessfully, to glare at her.
"I'll forget the last part if you tell me what changed. You were not like this yesterday so something must have happened. Just tell me what it is damn it. I don't like things kept from me, you know that."
"Oh stop being so self-absorbed!" she snapped "If you didn't want anything kept from you then you should look for answers. You should ask questions and investigate. We're not at war anymore so no one will give it to you on a silver platter.
The only thing I've heard from you is accusations. You can't honestly expect cooperation when you dish out judgment before hearing the case. I'll tell you anyways, being the kind of person I am."
She turned and faced him. Her face was devoid of any emotion he could identify with.
"This all started, as does everything, with you."
"Me? But how? What did I do?" he spluttered
"First tell me; what am I to you Harry? You have Ron, the best mate, the pseudo-brother, the adopted family being the Weasleys and then the girlfriend Ginny. So what am I in your life?"
"Come on Hermione." He said after collecting his thoughts "You are my best friend of course. Yes, you are like a sister to me." He finished off proudly only to receive and snort again from her end.
"Yes, with our first year at Hogwarts. No interruptions or you might not get to find out how it all ends up with here and now. The truth is…" she took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eyes.
"I loved you. By Morgana I loved you! But you never did see me did you. Earlier on I could not blame you. You were young, a first year and you really could not fathom these emotions. I wanted to tell you even then. When I went to fetch Headmaster Dumbledore, I wanted to add love after friendship and bravery. But I knew you were not ready. So I did what was best for the both of us and kept quiet.
Some might say I was a coward for doing so but I beg to differ. It takes a lot of courage to let an opportunity pass by. In realizing that it was not the time for what you want, in knowing that you are not ready. So I looked out for you again and let it go. You did not need it at the time.
I wanted to tell you second year but you had the whole 'heir of Slytherin' thing going on. So as usual I let it go. Instead I showed you how much you meant to me. They say 'actions speak louder than words' so I did my best to help. I spent countless hours in the library, spent every waking moment trying to clear your name. I did all I could, hoping you would recognize it for what it was; my love. But you didn't.
I gave everything I had in that hug at the Final Feast and I thought you did too. But I guess I was wrong again wasn't I. From third year onwards, it was not a fun time for me. My main focus was to keep you alive. It became a mantra of mine even. You were mad at me and lashed out at me for only trying to help. I admit now that I could have used a different method to handling some things but I'm not perfect. I had to make a mistake somewhere and that turned out to be the Firebolt.
I was more than once tempted to tell you both to sod off and never come back. But then I would hear you laugh, I would see you smile. I would see you overjoyed from Quiditch and I would swallow my pride. I would hide my pain and I would hide my true heart, I would hide my love.
The tournament was a disaster. That was the year I lost hope in your love. That was the year it became clear that you would never be inlove with me. That was the year I let you go. It was blaringly obvious. I mean you were not comfortable with the spotlight on you, you actually hated it.
You didn't know how to dance; I didn't imagine the Dursleys taking you dancing. I had been helping you with the spells and background information on the tournament. Surely you would have felt comfortable asking me about dancing. Surely taking someone to the dance would have felt more comfortable than taking someone you didn't know.
The moment Cho Chang said no to you, you could have asked me. But you still by passed me. What else did you want from me! I gave you everything and it still was not enough! And to add salt to an open wound, you let Ronald insult me! You let him hurt me by picking me as a last resort! You let him tell me that no one would seriously consider me as a date so he best do me a favor! DO ME A FAVOR BY TAKING ME TO THE BALL!
You let him insult me by questioning Viktor's motives. You let him ruin what could have been the best night of my life. How could you allow all that to happen and then say you see me as a sister?
As usual I gave you excuses. I told myself that it was because you were stressed. It was the embarrassment you suffered dancing. I let it go. I didn't even bat an eyelash when I realized that Ron was who you would sorely miss. Because it helped me realize that I would never be number one in your eyes; that I had to get used to that fact. So I started that process. I started trying to get used to it, to take it as another fact of life.
I tried sending you letters the summer before 5th year but they always came back unopened. I asked the Order why and they referred me to Dumbledore. When you arrived, you immediately tore into Ron and me about it. You let Ron off easy but you remained tense with me. I took it like water off a duck's back. You were still traumatized and needed me so I remained ever vigilant by your side.
Umbridge came to school and I still looked out for you. I knew we needed help with practice and that you needed to feel needed since Ron had your prefect badge. So I planned you instructing the DA. It would make you feel like you were contributing to the war and get us lessons. You would heal from Cedric's passing.
I won't go into detail for that year but I still looked out for you. And all I got was a meager words and your anger leashing out at me. I took it all with no complaining even though it was killing me. You could have noticed but you were busy with the beautiful Cho Chang again. You still didn't see me.
Tragedy struck and you went back to your angst self again. The only different is I could not let you cheat. I refused to lose that part of myself that was all for fair play. You wanted the easy way out 6th year and I refused to go down there with you. You saw my refusal as betrayal didn't you; how easy one forgets. What did you do? You found a replacement.
I did not agree with you once and you abandoned me that year. You got yourself a girlfriend, Quiditch, Dumbledore's lessons and Snape's potion book. Your life was complete; the average teenage wizard. You left me Harry after all we'd been through. Six weeks with her and you suddenly saw marriage material. Six years by your side and I get nothing.
At the end of that year, the end of Dumbledore's life, was the end of my sacrifices for you." I stopped to go get a drink of water from the kitchen. Conjured water just doesn't feel right to me. Perhaps it's my muggle upbringing. I also used that time to clear my thoughts and calm down a little. Talking for that long and with that much feeling does do a number on you.
"What do you mean you stopped sacrificing for me? That hunt was a success mainly due to you. Of course you sacrificed for me. You sacrificed your Head Girl position, your N.E.W.T.s and your parents." Harry said.
I turned and faced him.
"How self-absorbed can you get? Do you ever actually use that brain of yours for anything other than Quiditch?" I snapped at him
"What do you think would have happened had I returned to Hogwarts? Do you think I would have been able to step even one foot in there without Voldermort hauling me off for some torture entertainment?
By the end of that summer I had told my parents about my six years at Hogwarts. I had a discussion with them after a week of the silent treatment from them for lying. They wanted to go with me and leave this disgustingly prejudiced community behind. You think they wouldn't know about it, but they did. They noticed the stares and the disdain on the shopkeeper's faces when they bought me things in Diagonal Alley.
They wanted me out of here in second year. I appealed to their activist side. I told them that should Voldermort win, there wouldn't be anywhere to hide. I told them about what the remaining and future mudbloods would face were he to succeed. I told them about Hitler and they understood.
So you see Harry, I didn't sacrifice anything for you. It was all for me and others like me. I had as much to lose in this war as you did. If you had died in the Horcrux hunt, I would have mourned you but I would still have continued. I may not have been a match for Voldermort but I was willing to die trying. The victory was much up to me as it was to you. You just happened to have the magical power that I lacked to destroy him.
Do I think of you as a weapon? Not really. Each and every able bodied person who fought there had their reasons as did I. What pisses me off is your attitude towards me throughout that hunt. I was invisible, I was the punching bag and I was the rag you wipe all your problems at.
I was expected to gather food for you both and had to endure Ron's complains about it while you still did nothing. Hadn't you learnt? The bastard leaves and you leave me crying. You preferred watching a bloody red dot as opposed to comforting your distraught best friend. You know, the one you supposedly treat as a sister. Yes I heard you. Why do you think I was calm when He 'blessed' us with his presence?
You got mad at me over your wand. I was trying to save your life! You didn't even say thank you! I was trying to keep us alive, especially since you lost focus on everything else but your girlfriend and best mate. What was I supposed to do? I can't do everything!" she glared at him with anger evident in her; anger that had been fighting to come out.
"I'm sorry Hermi-" he started
"Save it. I told you where you could shove it!"
"As I was saying, the hunt came and went, and the battle happened. Ron finally started to think of others and I went to congratulate him. He turned and kissed me. I decided to let him since I might not come out alive and there was a possibility he wouldn't. I didn't want to stop him right there because he would probably give up there and then
Then you would be miserable and resent me because I broke your best mate's heart and he went into battle having already given up. Now that I sacrificed, thank me later.
You went and did something stupid and got yourself killed. You didn't even think about giving me a warning or a goodbye. I get to hear it from Snake face. We won the battle. Yay us! We attend the funerals and go back to Hogwarts to finish our last year.
Throughout that year, Ron doesn't make a move and doesn't show any interest in anything concerning me. My parents are dead and nothing. No support, no nothing. He keeps eyeing up Lavender. I'm pretty sure they did it often. So I forget about him, not that he was ever in my mind. You are obviously busy with Ginny since you both made Heads, not to mention Quiditch. Once again I was the afterthought.
I didn't mind of course, I had resigned myself to that fact ages ago. Soon enough the year ends and we Graduate. In fact, it happened last week didn't it; our graduation day. I don't need to tell you what happened do I? You already know."
Harry starts squirming in his seat. His initial anger gone and he looks at the ground.
"I'll tell you what happened. You already know though don't you. He asked you to propose to me for him. He sent both you and Ginny to propose to me. What was his reason again? You guys had the speech down. Something about nerves and not being himself around me, fear of rejection and whatnot.
Obviously I declined, what did you expect? That's why you're here right? To find out why I refused even after he came and asked me himself. What I've told is the most part. I am not done yet." She stopped and headed to the bathroom.
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Okay, this is a short story, roughly five chapters at most. I haven't forgotten about my other WIP, especially the two Hhr stories. This one sorta got away with me. Should there be a lot of errors, they will be corrected by next update. I am eager to know what you think. This will NOT end an Hhr romantic couple nor will it be Ron/Hr (that's just sick). It will just be mostly concerning them is all. Give me an idea as to who she ends up with.
UNTIL NEXT TIME…