I wrote this for a competition amongst a group of friends as to who could write the most explicit yaoi, containing the prompts "blueberry pie", "princess", and "boat", in 1332 words or less. I told myself that I'd upload it for the masses if I won, and... I did. So here you go. Enjoy.

From a distance, you could say the TARDIS looked like something of a boat; more due to the fact that the Doctor had become distracted and mistakenly landed it a couple of hundred metres away from the shore than its shape, which really wasn't very boat-like at all.

Cursing under his breath, he opened the door and began to paddle. Currently lacking a companion, he had returned to Cardiff in order to seek out the services of a certain Captain Jack Harkness; time agent and former ally during several of his prior encounters with perilous situations. Upon reaching the shore, the Doctor made sure the TARDIS was planted firmly on the sand – he presumed it would not be long before his return with the Captain, who was not one to turn down a chance for adventure.

Definitely not one to turn down a chance for adventure.

"J-Jack..." The soft utterance and involuntary flutter of Ianto's eyelids effectively sent the Captain into a spell of dizziness. He pressed Ianto up against the fishtank, and slowly rubbed his thumb in a circular motion around the tip of his cock, already hard in anticipation. Smiling mischievously, he brought his mouth closer to Ianto's neck and dragged his tongue down his left collarbone. Noticing that Ianto was barely able to contain himself, Jack leapt at the opportunity; he wanted to try something that he had never tried before. Being attracted to members of both sexes, he had always wondered what it would be like to make love to one possessing aspects of both simultaneously. This was the closest thing he could think of.

"Not so fast, my lover," whispered Jack, not needing to look at his face to see that Ianto was desperate for some measure of release. "You would do anything to please me, correct?"

"O-of course, Jack... p-please..."

He spun around, and grasped for something in the cupboard opposite his desk, pulling out a candy-pink lace dress with a tulle skirt and chiffon sleeves. It wasn't quite Ianto's size, but it would do the trick nicely.

Ianto groaned. He was starving for Jack's attention, but he wasn't sure he could degrade himself to such an extent by wearing a costume clearly meant for a six-year-old girl. However, he had never yet been able to resist Jack's superior seduction techniques, and thus acquiesced: as he slipped it over his torso, Jack clasped his hands together in glee.

"My princess, you seem to be longing for a ride... it appears that your chariot awaits!"

"Jack..."

Jack grinned, lay Ianto on the tiled floor, lifted his skirt, and began to thrust repeatedly – further and further into his cavern – with stars clouding his vision and bursting into explosions of white light as he neared ecstasy.

"Jack?" The Doctor called upon his entrance into the hub. He was met with a series of muffled sounds in response; a barely decipherable low moan of "Faster!" followed almost immediately by a strangled gasp. Unaware of the reason for these noises, and ever curious, The Doctor whipped out his sonic screwdriver and made his way up the stairs to Jack's office; he paused, however, when he saw just what the Captain was doing – or more specifically, who he was doing.

The sight of Ianto, chest heaving, with Jack practically on top of him, skilfully ravaging every inch of his body with his hands and tongue, caused the Doctor to have to clap his hand over his mouth in order to stifle his surprise. He then remembered that this was Captain Jack Harkness; nothing could truly surprise him about that man. Probably not the greatest idea having glass walls in this place, he thought with an internal smirk. He had obviously not yet been noticed; it would be easy at this point to simply turn around and sneak back downstairs – he would certainly then avoid any awkward conversations – but he could not seem to force the movement of his feet. Strange, he thought, but he did not resist the urge that overcame him: to stay, to listen, to watch.

Staring lustfully at Jack's ministrations upon Ianto from behind the glass, and relaxing somewhat at the sight, the Doctor's hand accidentally brushed past his bulging crotch, causing him to take an unintentionally loud sharp intake of breath. The two glanced up and noticed him immediately. There was a frantic scramble as Ianto tried to tear off the dress, but Jack did not seem to see any reason why their activity should stop.

"Quite the voyeur, aren't you, Doctor?" he questioned with a teasing grin, averting his gaze from the Doctor's crotch - which was quite obviously straining within the constraints of his pants - to his eyes.

"Ah, Captain," chuckled the Doctor, striding towards him, abandoning any attempt at denial. "You know me so well."

"Why is he here?" Ianto asked Jack, confused not only as to who this man was, but how he had entered the hub; also somewhat annoyed that his needs were now not being attended to thanks to his presence.

Before Jack could answer, the Doctor said, "I mean only to ask whether I may obtain a companion; I thought Jack the best person for the job."

"We'll get to that later." Jack's body was shining with sweat; his entire demeanour suggested that he wanted nothing more than to continue, yet he rose from his kneeling position and stabilised himself with the Doctor's shoulders. "Long time no see, etcetera; now that you're here, you might as well join in. I think I deserve your compliance as penance for your untimely interruption."

Before the Doctor could respond, Jack threw him roughly onto the desk, causing all its occupants – sheets of paper, stationery, and all manner of random utensils – to crash to the floor. Only a blueberry pie remained, which Jack quickly put to use, smearing its contents all over the Doctor's chest and trailing the juice with his fingers down his body before reaching his most sensitive area, which he grasped firmly yet gently, and began to stroke.

"Ah..." The Doctor bit his lip as he succumbed to Jack's tender touch; the Captain took advantage of the Doctor's vulnerability and accepted his entirety into his mouth, raking his teeth gently down its length, and lightly flicking the tip with his tongue, before raising his head.

Clearly irritated at this pause so close to potential climax, the Doctor expressed an indignant "Jack!"; however, never one to disappoint, the Captain smirked and whispered in his ear, "Who said I was finished? The best is yet to... come."

Jack wasted no time in straddling the Doctor on top of the desk and positioning himself at his entrance. Slowly, he slid inside him, creating almost unbearable friction; the Doctor thrashed desperately beneath Jack, who could hear his breath shorten; there was now barely any discrepancy between the beating of his two hearts as they both thudded together at the speed of light; he knew that release was close, and found himself wanting to give it to him. His thrusts quickly became faster and more forceful; the tightness and warmth of the Doctor was almost overwhelming around his swollen member. The Doctor gave a sudden gasp and tightened his grip on the edge of the desk as he reached completion. At this, and as the Doctor's breath hitched with a mixture of delight and relief, Jack followed suit, spilling his thick, hot liquid across the Doctor's back and collapsing upon the desk.

"My guess is that you will not accept my offer, Captain." The Doctor smirked, still struggling for breath somewhat, as he pulled his pants back on.

With a glance at Ianto, and a smug smile at the Doctor, Jack replied: "You guess correctly – I am quite content here." He pointed at the desk, with the utterly massacred blueberry pie teetering on its edge. "Do help yourself to some of that on your way out."