Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is owned by JRR Tolkien. No money is being made off this fic, so it would be pointless to sue. Nazgul reference site (names etc): mordor.elendor.net
The diary of Indur Dawndeath, the Nazgul. If lost, please send to Mordor, the Land where the Shadows lie, or Minas Morgul, Tower of Sorcery. Postage costs are prepaid.
Year 1286, the Third Age
1st Jun
New diary! Spiffy!
2nd Jun
Very bored in Minas Morgul. Slowly going insane. Is practicing various decorative fonts using the Black Speech, Westron and Khuzdul.
3rd Jun
Caught Ren sneaking outside with his horse again. Valar knows what he's doing to that poor creature. And I'm sure they'd rather not.
4th Jun
Gothmog has stolen my collectable Warg doll. Will kill him later.
5th Jun
Witch-King has everyone playing tic-tack-toe. Everything was going fine until Sauron saw the noughts and thought they were replicas of his Ring. Table burnt. Very sad business. Now there's nowhere to whack my head …must try wall.
16th Jun
Wall is very painful. Never try it again.
17th Jun
Uncomfortable episode with the Witch-King today. Caught him in front of his mirror in one of Galadriel's dresses. Is now very disconcerted.
2nd Jul
Was made to polish walls as punishment. Walls now spotless. Spooky glowing paint reapplied. Tower looks really cool and evil-much better than Orthanc! On the downside, I may never be able to hold a sword again. Ren was sympathetic and offered to rub my arms. Politely declined. As if no one knows what he's really up to.
3rd Jul
Haldir sent a box of chocolates today. It was addressed "To my dear Tiddles, with love; Snuggly-wuggums". Suspected Adunaphel until Khamul secretly smuggled it into his room. Ren entered a while later. Looked really upset. Did not pursue the matter for fear of my sanity.
6th Jul
Is now convinced that more than half of the Nazgul have some serious problems. Started hanging out with Akhorahil. At least he can keep his hands to himself.
7th Jul
Have seen what Akhorahil keeps his hands to. Decided to lie low. Very, very, very low…
12th Jul
Witch-King called forth a council today. Played 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey'. Was enthusiastic until Ren volunteered to be the donkey, and suggested we use our fingers instead of pins. Ran very very far. Suspect that Dwar severely maimed him.
23rd Jul
Uvatha's horse has been eating my robe again! Must tell him to keep it locked up with the others.
24th Jul
Discussion went bad. Is mortally wounded. Will never suggest that the Horse-nut abandon his horse again…
27th Jul
Boredom ensues. Perhaps I should take up that orc's offer for some weed…
1st Aug
SDFrhhyaj 464q65 gsh gsha46 juk aerw trey 46u7w sdf bvxhay 5q4 3 ef vfga fthath ttttt gfa zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
18th Aug
Haff regainsed sance of derectnn. Heaad huss beed. Weeell rithe moore wen rome sopts speenning…
27th Aug
Is finally out of coma. Orc is dead. Ren has been giving me odd looks…VERY nervous about blank area in memory.
30th Aug
Ren has been hanging around me like flies to Khamul. Told him to bugger off before I shoved my sword up his ass. He said I already did. Is now considering migrating to Moria. Will write to Benny the Balrog later.
1st Sept
Crappy day. Sauron pulled an April Fool's gig on all of us, claiming that some retarded Dwarf from down South had swallowed the Ring. Had the whole tower in an uproar until he cracked up. Reminded him that it was not April. Witch-King determined to pay him back-turned off the power in Barad-Dur. Out went the Eyeball. How amusing.
3rd Sept
Benny replied. Said I could stay with him as long as I kept him entertained. Did not elaborate. Decided to decline.
17th Sept
Been having fun with Dwar's name. Dwar of Waw, Dwar of Waw, Dwar of Waw. Gotta love these humans and their ridiculous names.
20th Sept
Gothmog has been reading my diary. He is sad that I haven't mentioned him that often. Let's mention him now, shall we? As an obituary.
"Here lies Gothmog, He of the Corny Name.
No one really knows who he was, and no one really cares."
There.
18th Nov
Lost diary. Got it back with stinky hand prints, spit and intangible writing. Informed Witch-King that we need a new legion of Orcs. Blamed Gondor.
19th Nov
Discovered that perpetrator was actually Gothmog. Shoved him down stairs. Blamed booze.
21st Nov
Witch-King's birthday. Got him a randomly snatched flower from the fields of Pelennor while riding back with beer. He seemed oddly happy. Seriously wondering if there's more to his name than meets the eye…
22nd Nov
Have spied on Witch-King all day. Now very sure that he's more witch than king…must go wash smell of perfume from robes.
Update: Ren caught me with perfume…said it turned him on…will go kill self later…
23rd Nov
Attempts at suicide failed…will try od-ing on chocolate.
24th Nov
In…pain…a lot of…pain…
29th Nov
Ren's birthday. He was there. I wasn't. Enough said…
2nd Dec
Horse-nut was singing to his horse again last night. Heard Ren entering after a bit. Also heard Ren leaving in a hurry. Clatter of horse shoes and screams of pain were very satisfying. Will consider not hanging Uvatha.
5th Dec
Had enough of guys. Is now hanging with Adunaphel. Decided she can't possibly be gay, since she has no one to by gay with.
6th Dec
I was wrong. Have formed a last allegiance with Dwar and Uvatha. We must not be taken! Would have invited Gothmog to join, but still upset about Warg doll incident.
10th Dec
Raining. Discovered why Gondorians abandoned this place-the roof leaks. It seems mortals are more intelligent than previously imagined.
11th Dec
Place is flooded. Uvatha is making sure his horse is dry. Ren wants the water to stay since he thinks that it 'perfectly accentuates his flawless figure'. Told him to shut up and start scooping. Realize that Witch-King is very hydrophobic.
12th Dec
Caught a cold. Everyone is miserable. Still have not been able to get Witch-King down from table.
15th Dec
Used the Great Lidless Flaming Eye to blow-dry the halls. Sauron was pissed, but at least we got his Witch-King down.
19th Dec
Sauron wants to have a Christmas bash. Reminded him that he is the great Enemy of all of Middle Earth. He reminded me that I am the servant of the great Enemy of all of Middle Earth. Considering changing title.
20th Dec
Sent invites to Rivendell, Lorien and Isengard. Quite sure there's something up with Saruman the White. Very disturbed by frequent unnecessary fondling of assorted parts of my cloak.
21st Dec
Saruman dropped by. Told him that he was four days early. He smiled and sat down anyway. Asked how he was supposed to tell the Nine apart. I suggested labels.
22nd Dec
Woke up with label magically attached to hood. Washed out mouth with soap.
23rd Dec
Present crisis. Have no idea what in the name of Mandos's halls to get everyone. Considering using the Palantir to seek goods.
Update: Used Palantir. Saw some very unnecessary footage of Saruman. Will shop the old fashioned way.
Update: Have robbed several villages in Bree, Gondor, and Rohan. Finally have enough gifts. On downside, got very drunk and can't remember where I put them.
24th Dec
Hangover. Ouch.
25th Dec
Christmas day! Feel loved. Got many presents. Decided that Saruman's looked suspicious. Will give it away next year. Got drunk again.
26th Dec
Hate Ren. Pushed him out of bed, out of room, and out of tower. Damn him. Saw Uvatha on the way out. Paid him to take the gay freak far far away.
28th Dec
Witch-King's making plans for New Year's Party. Suggested ideas include potluck, Twister, heading down to the pub and an orgy. Three guesses as to who gave that last proposal…
29th Dec
Put superglue in Ren's boxers. Am waiting for very entertaining results.
Update: Witch-King was called in to attend to 'very pressing needs' earlier today. I wonder what they could be…
30st Dec
Dwar's birthday. Gave him Saruman's gift. I am heartless.
31st Dec
New Year's Party at the Prancing Pony. Terrorized, pillaged, killed, and got stone drunk. Yes, very enjoyable indeed. Love the whole servant of evil routine. Very amusing.
1st Jan
New Year's Day! Had a resolution-sharing routine held by Sauron. Decided to humour him by telling him I'd be a loyal servant for as long as I lived. Mentally noted that since I am not technically alive, I am not held to that promise. Sucker. Privately resolve to remain straight, and to hurt Ren more than twice a week. Making satisfying plans now. Ah…the joys of being evil…
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