Disclaimer: All characters are the creations of Tolkien, and any misrepresentation of those characters is here made solely for laughs. All credit is given to J.R.R. Tolkien, whom I hail as one of the greatest writers of all time.
THE SIEGE OF MINAS TIRITH BY CHRISTIAN CLINGMAN [A COMEDY]
(A battalion of Gondorians and rangers sit patiently in Osgiliath; unaware of the doom that will befall them and their country. A ranger takes a bite into some food as Captain Farimer joins his lower captain in watch.)
Captain 1: It's been very quiet across the river. The orcs are lying low. The garrison may have moved out. We sent Jedi to Cair Andros. If the goblins attack from there, we'll have some warning.
Farimer: They're not goblins. They're orcs.
Captain: Goblins and orcs are the same thing.
Farimer: A goblin is...
(Farimer and his captain hear a loud call from one of Farimer's men. Farimer and his captain rush down. They find a Gondorian lying in a bed with his feet hanging from the other end of the bed. The covers are a little too small for the Gondorian.)
Farimer: What is it sergeant?
Sergeant 1: I can't go to sleep unless I get tucked in.
Farimer: I am not tucking you in.
Sergeant 1: I promise I'll go to sleep if you tuck me in.
(Meanwhile orcs from Minas Morgul are quietly going across the river in there somewhat camouflaged boat. The rowers are doing their best to paddle quietly when one of them splashes really loudly.)
Gothmog: Quiet!
(The rower obeys and goes to a gentler stroke. One of the Gondorians is looking from a tower and begins to see the orcs. He then leans over for a closer inspection.)
Gothmog: Kill him!
Orc 1: But sir, he's innocent.
(Gothmog grabs a bow from an orc and aims and fires the arrow that is notched on it. The arrow flys and hits through the armor of the Gondorian but it doesn't kill him and the Gondorian doesn't fall dead.)
Gothmog: Hey, John your supposed to fall over dead!
Gondorian Soldier\John: I don't have to. I am wearing bullet proof armor.
Gothmog: Bullet proof armor? Hey that's not fair! You're supposed to be DEAD!
Gondorian Soldier\John: Oh. Right.
(The Gondorian soldier falls over backwards off of a ledge and lands on the guard that is demanding to be tucked in in bed.)
Sergeant 1: Oww! Careful where you land, soldier!
(The Gondorian doesn't move and the sergeant immediately gets out of bed and takes a look at the soldier.)
Sergeant 1: Get up soldier! You're not dying yet!
Gondorian soldier\John: But Gothmog said I was hit!
Sergeant 1: Don't pay attention to Gothmog. He doesn't even know the rules to this "war-game".
(A arrow flys up the air and goes through the helmet of the sargeant. The sargeant falls down "dead" too.)
Farimer: There not coming from the north!
Farimer: To the sewer! Quick!
Ranger 1: But it's stinky there!
Faramir: I meant the river!
Spear Handler: Go! Quick! Keep Moving!
Gothmog: Faster!
(The orcs row twice as fast and are reaching the shore quickly.)
Gothmog: Do you want to see us win this "war-game"?
All orcs on boats: YEAH!
(The orcs reach the shore and are about to board it when Gothmog pulls out a English sword and looks at his men.)
Gothmog: Alright! Now...for the maggot hole...home I mean, and for the prize!
Orc 1: But sir...we're not boarding the Acheron.
Gothmog: Doesn't matter! I like Russell Raven's lines!
Orc 2: That's uh, Russell Crowe sir.
(Gothmog rolls his orc eyes and then leaps on to shore. Other orcs run past him and the Gondorian men who are hiding.)
Gothmog: This is no race! I'm supposed to be the one ahead!
(Farimer's adrenaline rushes and he "kills" the first orc. Orc 1 falls down.)
Orc 1: Oww! Not too hard!
(Farimer talks to "dead" orc while fighting.)
Farimer: Gandalf told me to hit all orcs hard with my rubber sword so that it would make men out of you, babies.
Orc 1: We're not babies! What's a baby?
Farimer: A baby is someone who makes mud pies and acts like a vampire for Peter Jackson.
Orc 1: Oh.
(Gothmog rushes over "dead" orc and looks at him.)
Gothmog: Get up! Your not dead yet!
(Farimer talks to Gothmog while fighting.)
Farimer: Gandalf told us not to teach...I mean preach...I mean cheat!
Gothmog: Oh. Orc 1, just lay there until the battle's over.
Orc 1: But I'll be trampled in the face or I'll get deaf by Fran Walsh's "Black Rider" screams.
Gothmog: No excuses! We need to win this war here!
(The next morn...)
(The orcs have been fighting Faramir's men for a long time and are little by little, defeating them in the "war-game". Faramir is retreating little by little when his captain shouts,)
Captain 1: Faramir!
(Faramir goes behind a pillar while others shoot arrows "into" the orcs that have been following him. They all fall down "dead.)
Captain 1: We can't hold them. The war-game...city is lost.
Faramir: Prepare the men to break for our helicopters. We fly to Minas Tirith.
(Orc 5 steps stops fighting and steps up to Faramir.)
Orc 5: That's not fair. Were only supposed to use Middle Ages.
Faramir: Oh.
(Turns to Captain 1 while Orc 5 flees to fight others.)
Faramir: Tell the men to break for cover. We ride for Minas Tirith.
(Faramir runs with the other men to tell them to retreat while his captain trys to dodge an orc's blow but gets hit with it. He then falls down, "wounded". Then the orcs and men hear Fran Walsh's Black Rider screams in the air.)
Sergeant 1: Fran Walsh? I mean... Nazgul?
(Black Rider screams fill the air and some of the men cover their ears. Faramir shouts at the top of his voice,)
Faramir: Fall back! Fall back to McDonalds !
Orc 5: Oh great! It's Lunch time!
Orc 1: I wanted to go to *KFH! (*Kentucky Fried Human.)
(All orcs and Gondorians drop their swords and weapons and head for the Mcdonald Mega Center that stands in the Pellanor Fields. A orc gets out his laptop while running with some difficulty and clicks on .)
Orc 5: Why are you going there?
Orc 10: Because I've got to post some of the events that happened today to all of the world!
Orc 5: Oh. But why would you want to do that?
Orc 10: I don't know. I have a orc mind so I wouldn't know. You see, my mental capacity is twice as your's you pea-brain!
Orc 5: I agree.
Orc 10: What?
(After all Gondorians and Orcs have had their fill of hamburgers and Middle-Earth fries, they then tromp back to Osgiliath and continue fighting while Faramir calls his men to ride out to Minas Tirith. Meanwhile Gothmog and some friends walk up to Faramir's lower captain and look at him. Gothmog thingys his head to the side.)
Gothmog: Is that ketchup or salsa on the middle of your forehead.
Captain 1: It's blood.
Gothmog: Oh. Well give me the spear, maggot.
Captain 1: But I ain't a maggot. And I'm so sorry but I don't have a spear.
(Gothmog ignores him and grabs a spear from one of his orcs and stabs the captain. The spear though hits something hard.)
Gothmog: What are you wearing?
Captain 1: Spear Proof Armor.
Gothmog: Why? You're supposed to be crying out in pain and then act dead.
Captain 1: Peter Jackson told me too. He said he didn't want to see one of us getting killed in our "war-game".
Gothmog: Oh. Well just act dead.
(The captain then gasps in pain and then lies "dead".)
Gothmog: The age of men, is over. The time, of the pork has come.
Orc 4: Uh, general. It's the "time of the orc, has come".
Gothmog: The time of the orc has come. There! Are you satisfied?
Orc 4: Yurp.
(Meanwhile, Faramir's men are riding away from Osgiliath and the Black Riders on Nazgul are grabbing men and throwing them in the air.)
Soldier 6: Be careful, buddies! You don't want me to miss the paaaaaaaaaaaddddddddeeeeeee...!
(Nazgul grabs soldier and flips him through the air. The guy and the horse fly through the air and land on really thick soft pads. Nazgul are picking men off the ground and throwing the men in such a way that they land on the soft pads. Gandalf\the White Rider rides out and comes to the attacked men's rescue. He then pushes a switch on his staff and light from a lightbulb comes and hits the Black Rider's faces square in the face.)
Black Rider 2: Not so bright! Do you want me to get blind?
Gandalf: Sorry. Can't help myself. Pete told me to take with me a 100 watt light bulb to show you Bad Guys not to trespass on royal ground.
Black Rider 7: Well turn it off! I can't bear it!
Gandalf: Well Pete told me to keep riding towards you until you go away. If you don't do that then this light bulb will blow up on my staff.
(The Black Riders flee away into the distance while Gandalf escorts the Gondorians back to Minas Tirith.)
Gandalf: At em up there. Come on!
Gondorian 9: We're not in a western, cowboy.
Gandalf: I know we aren't. I just love John Wayne how he flings his whip this way and that just what I do with my staff.
Gondorian 9: Staff?
Gandalf: Nevermind. Oh, and call me by the name, Gandalf.
Gondorian 9: Santa Clauso?
Gandalf: No.
Gondorian: Kris Krinkle?
Gandalf: No.
Gondorian: Papa Elf?
Gandalf: It's NOT Christmas time you dope! Call me Mithrandir.
Gondorian 9: Ok Mistrundeer.
(Gandalf rolls his eyes and continues to escort them. The Minas Tirith Gates open and the Gondorians are let in. After in the city, the gates are closed and a portcullis and "blast" doors close. Faramir then rides up to Gandalf.)
Faramir: Mithrandir.
Gandalf: I ain't your wife buddy! And who cares if a myth ran away?
Farimer: I never called you dear! And I never talked about any myth!
Gandalf: Oh yes you did! You said, "Myth ran dear"!
(Farimer rolls his eyes.)
Farimer: Whatever. You should have chosen a better name!
Gandalf: I know that! But that's the only name that was left for my school!
Farimer: Oh. Anyway, Hand-elf They took the west bank. Osgiliath is over-run. Battalion of orcs are crossing the river.
Gondorian Herald: It is just as the Lord Denathor predicted. Long has he foreseen this video...war-game's doom.
Gandalf: Foreseen and done nothing. And Farimer, don't call me Hand-elf! My name is Gandalf!
Farimer: Oh. Ok, Granddolf.
Gandalf: You got my name wrong again!
Farimer: Dandolf?
Gandalf: No.
Farimer: Handoff?
Gandalf: No.
Farimer: Ranoff?
Gandalf: NO! Besides, I didn't run off!
Faramir: Ok. I just don't know your name.
Gandalf: I already told you! My name is Gandalf!
(Gandalf withdraws his cloak to reveal to Faramir Pippin. Pippin steals a glance at Faramir and then shys.)
Gandalf: Faramir? This is not the first twelfthling to have crossed your path.
(Faramir shakes his head.)
Pippin: You've seen Frodo the Dodo?
(Faramir nods.)
Gandalf: Where? When?
Faramir: In Star Trek. Not two days ago.
(Gandalf smiles and Pippin too. Pippin looks up at Gandalf.)
Faramir: Mithrandir...
Gandalf: Yes I'm here. You don't always have to address me.
Faramir: Sorry Mithrandir.
(Gandalf rolls his eyes again.)
Faramir: They've taken the path to the Morgul Curtain.
Gandalf: And then up the stairs of Cirith Numskull. Faramir, tell me everything. Tell me all you know.
(Meanwhile, Faramir is in the White Tower being held in "counsel" with his father Denethor. But right now, Denethor is rebuking him.)
Denethor: Is this how you would serve your city?
Faramir: I would serve it different...
Denethor: You would risk it's utter ruin.
Faramir: I did what I judged to be right.
Denothor sarcastically: What you judged to be right. You let the power of the Ring into Mordor. In the hands of a witless eighthling! It should have been brought back to the citadel to be kept safe. Hidden. Dark and deep in the vaults of America. Not to be used...unless at the uttermost end of need.
Faramir: I would not use the Ring. Even if Minas Tirith were falling in ruins and I alone could save her.
Denethor: Ever you desire to appear lordly and gracious; as a King of old.. Boromir would have remembered his father's need. He would have brought me back a kingly gift.
Faramir: Boromir would not have brought the ring back. If he had stretched his hand out to his thing, and taken it, he would've fallen.
Denethor: You know nothing of this matter!
Faramir: I don't know do I? I have secret agents, spys, S.W.A.T. And other availible resources to tell me about this.
Denethor: And what other "available resources" did you use?
Faramir: Well...I went to the "Minas Tirith Times" and told them what to post.
(Faramir removes a newspaper held by a rubberband and drops it at the feet of Denethor.)
(Meanwhile the orcs at Osgiliath are all lazing around. Waiting for 2/3 of the Mordor host to come.)
Orc 15: Where are they now?
(Orc is listening to a walky-talky and then withdraws his ear from it.)
Orc 18: Their now done with there baths.
Orc 15: And?
Orc 18: And now they say that they're going to listen to an opera or something that's being radioed from Isengard.
(Orc 15 sees a company of orcs making something that looks like human heads.)
Orc 15: What are you doing?
Orc 40: We're making fake heads from clones that the Kamino people gave us. It's really helpful.
Orc 15: Hey. That head looks real. That head really looks like my cousin.
(Orc 15 points a finger at a head an orc is putting into a basket. The others cough in surprise.)
Orc 15: I've got to tell my...
(The orcs hear a whistle and an explosion here and there that wrecks up the buildings.)
All orcs: TORPEDOES!
(All orcs start spreading out. Several orcs get run over by their comrades while they are getting to pay phones. One orc takes out a quarter and trys to put it into the coin slot but his hand is shaking and he feels nervous. He picks up the droped coin and trys to put it in but it falls again. The annoyed orc just grabs the phone.)
Orc 90: GET ME TO MINAS MORGUL NOW! NEED HELP! STOP!
(Orc falls down to pretend that he's dead when a package of firecrackers explodes behind him. Another orc gets up on the highest tower in Osgiliath and puts a megaphone to his lips.)
Orc 128: NER CHETANG! STOP! NO TORPEDOES! STOP! TELL DENETHOR HE'S CHEATING! STO...
Orc 65: Sir, you're not a telegram.
(Orc 128 aims his megaphone towards Orc 65.)
Orc 128: SHUT UP!
(Another orc runs up to orc 128.)
Orc 1000: Sir, We're getting reinforcements even as we speak.
Orc 128: Anymore good news?
Orc 1000: Yes.
Orc 128: What's that?
Orc 1000: The Gun-Gungs are bringing their shields and are joining us in the fight.
Orc 128: Good. Prepare the men. We march on Minas Tirith tonight!
(Half an hour later...)
Orc 6000: March! March! March! March! March!
(Drums beat in the background for tempo.)
Orc 80 to Orc 127: If our commander keeps on saying "March" one more time, I'm going to go and take some mud and plug up my ear...
Orc 6000: March! March! March! March!
Orc 80: That's it!
(Orc 80 stops marching and grabs some mud and covers his ears with it.)
Orc 80: There.
(The Drumming still continues.)
Orc 6000: March! March! March!
Orc 9500: But it's April!
(Orc 6000 keeps saying, "March".)
Orc 6000: March!
Orc 9500: April!
Orc 6000: March!
Orc 9500: April!
Orc 6000: March!
Orc 9500: April!
Orc 6000: March!
Orc 9500: How dare you argue with me! It's April! Not March!
Orc 6000: March!
(Orc 9500 rolls his eyes. Meanwhile Gothmog is having a council with the Witch King of Angmar.)
Witch King: Send forth all legions. Do not stop until the city is taken. Slay them all.
Gothmog: But what of the wizard of Oz?
Witch King: I will break him.
Gothmog: How?
Witch King: By breaking his back with my morning star.
Gothmog: Oh.
(Meanwhile, Faramir has been ordered by his father to stop the orcs from moving the siege towers into place. Faramir does what his father commands and takes with him, two hundred horsemen. Right now he is riding through the streets of Minas Tirith.)
Gandalf: Faramir! Faramir!
(Gandalf shoulders his way through the crowd of spectators.)
Gandalf: Don't throw away this war-game so rashly!
Faramir: I'm not. I'm just having fun. I'll give my life "bar" to defend my country, twinkies, and war-game dome.
Gandalf: Your father loves you Faramir.
Faramir: I know. He loves me so much that he wants me to give my life "bar" to defend my country.
(The gates to Minas Tirith open and Faramir and his men ride out. The long line of orcs and siege towers continues to go at beat steadily. Gothmog sees them and orders his luitenant to call up the Gun-Gungs. The luitenant nods and runs to the back of the lines. Thousands of Gun-Gungs sit idily in Osgiliath along with orcs.)
Luitenant 1: You're up Jar-Jar.
Jar-Jar: All right. Wessa ready to do our part. What weapon do you want me to use?
Luitenant 1: A sniper.
Jar-Jar: Nah. On second thought...no. I don't want to use a sniper.
Luitenant 1: Then what would you suggest?
Jar-Jar: A Paint-Ball Gun.
(Lieutenant rolls his eyes.)
Lieutenant 1: Will this convince you to use it my way?
(Luitenant 1 pulls out a tazer and flips it several times.)
Jar-Jar: Messa sees your point.
Luitenant 1: Good. I would hate to bring a garrison with me.
Jar-Jar: But you're not Darth Vader.
Luitenant 1: And?
Jar-Jar: And...you're okay to use his lines. Glad to be of service to you.
(Luitenant 1 then gets to the front of the lines and stands next to Gothmog's steed. Luitenant 1 takes a look at what steed, Gothmog's riding on.)
Luitenant 1: Why are you riding a large poodle?
Gothmog: Because they're more tame then wargs.
Luitenant 1: I thought you said you liked wargs. They attack better.
Gothmog: You want to know why I didn't choose the warg?
Luitenant 1: Sort of.
Gothmog: Last time I rode a warg was a puppet that looked like a warg. That thing kept on bouncing and pouncing in all kinds of directions. I should have broken my rubber sword over Richard Taylor's head!
Luitenant 1: Oh I see.
Gothmog: Where are those Dumb-Drums?
Luitenant 1: Gun-Gungs?
Gothmog: Yes.
Luitenant 1: Well their supposed to be...
Jar-Jar: Starting up the shield!
(A Gun-Gung slams against a button which starts several shields. The shield comes down and then rests on the ground. The siege towers and lines of orcs stops right at the edge of the shield.)
Gothmog: Guitar-tar!
Jar-Jar: You called for me sin bass?
Gothmog: Yes. Fire at that line of Gondorian horsemen with your snipers.
Jar-Jar: Okeyday.
(Jar-Jar orders his men to fire their snipers at the line of Gondorian horsemen. All Gun-Gungs obey and fire their "real-live" bullets. The bullets fly through the air but disintegrate when they hit the shield.)
Gothmog: Idiot! Fire outside the shield!
Jar-Jar: Fire outside the shield boys!
Gun-Gung 1: We're not boys! We're animals!
Jar-Jar: That dist does not matters. We needs to doos what wes are tolds.
All Gun-Gungs: Yes General.
Jar-Jar: Now follow me...
(Jar-Jar runs right into a Troll's leg and falls down unconscious. The Gun-Gungs help their leader up and help him regain consciousness and then they walk out of the shield.)
Jar-Jar: Pick your targets animals.
All Gun-Gungs: Yes General.
(Meanwhile, Faramir sees the line of snipermen and he takes a lightsaber off his belt and turns it on. The others have lightsabers and they turn them on. The Gun-Gungs look down their scopes and fire. The bullets fly through the air and go through the armor of the Gondorians, but stop at their bullet-proof vests. The Gondorians get knocked over and lay still. Gothmog nods to Jar-Jar and Jar-Jar nods to his sargeant to turn off the shield.)
Gothmog: Your supposed to fall dead you guys!
Faramir: We've been given special powers by the Jedi to stand invincible. No one can kill us!
Gothmog: You're supposed to abide by the rules!
Faramir: Says who?
Gothmog: Says the president! That's who!
Faramir: You're not even the president!
Gothmog: I know! But the president! You know! Big-Chow! King-Pin!
(Faramir lifts an eyebrow.)
Gothmog: PETER JACKSON?
Faramir: Oh.
(Faramir then turns his attention to his men.)
Faramir: Men! Fall down!
Gondorian Soldier 900: To who?
Faramir: To Gothmog.
Gondorian Soldier 900: I'm not bowing to an orc god.
Faramir: Fall down! Pretend that your DEAD!
Gondorian Soldier 900: Oh.
(All Gondorian Riders fall of their horses. Gothmog then smiles and commands Sauron's forces to continue moving. Meanwhile, Faramir sees the oncoming approach of the line of orcs and is trying to put his leg into the stirrup. He then smears ketchup on the side of his forehead and then smacks his horse. The horse then gallops which flips Faramir onto his back, which makes him being dragged by the horse.)
Faramir: Whoa horsy! Whoa!
(Faramir pulls himself up and is able to calm down the horse.)
Faramir: When I say "Whoa", I mean Whoa!
Horse: You ain't Yosemite Sam.
Faramir: I know that, but I like his lines. Now drag me slowly like they show it in the movie. Heyahh!
(Faramir slaps the horse then and flips backwards on his back again. The gates of Minas Tirith are opened and Faramir's horse goes in. The Gondorian Herald commands the Gondorian soldiers to put Faramir on a litter and bring him to Denethor. Denethor hear's the news of Faramir before he gets there and runs down the steps. He examines Faramir and then walks slowly away.)
Denethor: My line...is spent. It is over.
(Pippin runs up and examines Faramir also. He touches the side of his forehead.)
Pippin: He has ketchup on the side of his head my lord. My lord?
(Denethor doesn't pay attention to Pippin but looks over the walls to see the army of Sauron. Meanwhile Gothmog has stopped riding his poodle and is "pretend" limping about. He grins and inspects the walls of Minas Tirith.)
Gothmog: Fear. Fear is my ally. Fear attracts the...
Orc 100,000: Uh, general. Those are Darth Maul's lines not yours.
Gothmog: I'm a big fan of his. Besides, I came up with the idea of saying it in the Lord of the Rings movie after he came up with the saying. So legally, I'm allowed to say it. Besides, what lines do I say?
Orc 100,000: You say, "Fear. The city is ranked with it. Let us ease their pain. Release the prisoners".
Gothmog: Oh. Fear. The city is ranked with it. Let us ease their pain. Release the prisoners.
Orc 5005: Uh, general. We don't have any prisoners.
Gothmog: Alright. Release the heads of the households.
(Whole orc host laughs or cackles at Gothmog's joke.)
Luitenant 1: Catapults!
Catapult Orc 1: Gorbah! Gatazsh!
(Luitenant 1 cackles. The catapults are released and fake, clone heads fly through the air and hit the shields of the Gondorians. The Gondorians see and "pretend" to be horified. Some even cry when they are inside. Another catapult releases and breaks some stone buildings where a whole set of dummies are there. Denethor sees all of this.)
Denethor: Abandon your posts!
Gondorian General 5 at the first level shouting: I don't want to!
Denethor: Flee! Flee! For your lives!
(Denethor then turns around and is hit and whacked by Gandalf by his staff. Gandalf wears a look of disgust and hits Denethor again, but a foot of his staff breaks off. Gandalf doesn't notice and keeps on wacking Denethor until he only has a foot of his staff left. Gandalf looks at it and throws it on the ground.)
Gandalf: Prepare for battle! To the walls!
Gandalf: Back to your stations!
Gondorian Soldier 987: PlayStation Gandalf? Oh, neat! Guys, Gandalf says we can play video games on our...
Gandalf: I said to your stations. You know...YOUR SOLDIER STATIONS?
Gondorian Soldier 987: Oh. Right.
(All Gondorians go each to his station. Gandalf's anger starts rising within him.)
Gandalf: Send these foul pigs to the Abyss!
Gondorian Soldier 698: But the Abyss is a work of Samuel Clingman who wrote the Sable Tears Series.
Gandalf: No excuses! Now...send these foul pigs to the abyss!
(A trebuchet launches a huge piece of foam colored like rock into the midst of Sauron's army. Another only hits yards away from Gothmog. Orcs that are hit by the foam lay down "dead". Orcs start getting nervous and some's adrenaline is rushing within themselves.)
Gothmog: Stay where you are!
(A trebuchet launches another piece of foam which is heading down to Gothmog. Gothmog yells and the foam lands on his toe.)
Gothmog: Ahhhhhhhh! I broke my toe! Now I'll have to have a surgery at Minas Morgul! Get me a medic! Get me a...
Orc 567: General. It's just foam.
(Gothmog calms down and remembers.)
Gothmog: You're right. Why do I act like a little baby orc?
Orc 567: Because you are one sir.
Gothmog: Thank you.
(The Nazgul fly from the skys and fly down to "harrass" the Gondorians.)
Gondorian Soldier 838: Be careful buddies! I don't want to miss the pads...Hey Pete! Do you have the pads !
(Gondorian Soldier 838 gets picked up by the Nazgul and carefully thrown so that he lands on a pad. A different Gondorian Soldier gets out a laser-tag gun and starts shooting at the Nazgul beasts.)
Nazgul 5: Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I'm being shot at with a laser! I'm being burned! Or worse! Third-Degree!
Black Rider 5: Don't worry. It's just a laser-tag gun.
Nazgul 5: Oh. I thought it was a kid's gun.
(Meanwhile, Gandalf is commanding the Gondorian archers to shoot at the Trolls who are pushing the siege towers closer and closer. The Gondorian's shoot their rubber tipped arrows at the Troll's and manage to "wound" some of them. One of the siege towers gets close enough to the wall and the bridge to the tower smashes down which creates a lot of blinding dust and rocks in the air. The orcs then pour from the tower but one Gondorian soldier says,)
Gondorian 504: Time's Out!
(All orcs and Gondorians stop fighting and lock eyes on the speaker.)
Gondorian 504: I've got to get my goggles on.
Orc 397: Why?
Gondorian 504: I can fight better with them.
Orc 397: Oh.
(Gondorian Soldier pulls out his goggles and puts them on.)
Gondorian 504: There. Time in!
(The fight begins again.)
(Orcs continue fighting the Gondorians. Orcs come at Pippin but Gandalf takes out a double-bladed lightsaber and starts doing Jedi moves and "swiping" off heads. Orcs fall down "dead". Gandalf then pauses and looks at Pippin.)
Gandalf: This is no place for a hobbit.
Pippin: Oh yes it is.
Gandalf: Ohhhh no it isn't.
(Gandalf "kills" another orc.)
Pippin: Yes it is.
(Pippin "stabs" his sword into another orc.)
Gandalf: No it isn't.
Pippin: Yes it is.
Gandalf: No it isn't.
Pippin: If it wasn't where would be the Jedi?
Gandalf: What are you smiling at?
Pippin: I like...
(Pippin "slices" his blade into another orc.)
Pippin:...smiling. (*swipe sword*) Smiling's my favorite.
Gandalf: Guarding the steward's your favorite. Okay?
Pippin: Okay.
(Meanwhile, the orcs are bringing a battering ram and head for Minas Tirith's gates. They bang against it but don't break or dent it. Instead, the battering bends backwards. The Gondorians get out their Pain-Ball Guns and start "mowing" down the orcs. Gothmog comes to inspect it and looks at the vain work they're doing.)
Gothmog: What are you doing you useless scum?
Captain 5: Were battering down the gate.
Gothmog: And what percent of my orders do you accomplish?
Captain 5: Uh...
Gothmog: 0!
Captain 5: Oh.
Gothmog: Get back there and smash it down!
Captian 5: But nothing can breach it!
Gothmog: What kind of metal are you using?
Captain 5: Tin.
(Gothmog rolls his eyes.)
Gothmog: Then Grond will breach it! Bring up the Wolf's Head!
Captain 5: Yes sir!
(A few minutes later, the orcs bring in a siege tower-battering ram. Four stretchy pulleys go from a wolf's head that has been cut off from it's body. The orcs pull the ropes back and let go of them. The wolf's head comes speeding towards the gate and gets smashed as thin as paper. The Minas Tirith gate has not sufficed a dent.)
Gothmog: What are you doing you worthless scum?
Captain 5: Easy. You told us to bring up the wolf's head.
Gothmog: Grond! Grond is THEE Wolf's head!
Captain 5: Oh.
(A half an hour later, the trolls bring up Grond. The Hammer of the Underworld. And are rolling it toward the gates of Minas Tirith. Meanwhile Gandalf is commanding most of the Gondorian army to assemble at the gates of Minas Tirith. The orcs are crying out, "Grond", Grond"! And at each cry, the battering ram, Grond, is pulled back and hit the Minas Tirith gates. The Gondorians are in front of the Minas Tirith gate and are ready to fight. And Gandalf is there encouraging them.)
Gandalf: Steady. Steady.
(Grond withdraws again to batter down the door.)
Gandalf: You're soldiers of Gondor. No matter what comes through that gate you will...
(The gates get battered open and tanks start rolling in. The tanks fire shells into the midst of the Gondorian line without hurting anybody.)
Gandalf: You will run!
(Some Gondorians start retreating..)
Gandalf: Volley!
(The Gondorian archers draw their bows.)
Gandalf: Fire!
(Fire comes from Gandalf's hand and goes up his sword.)
Gandalf: Hot!
(The Fire on Gandalf's hand becomes hot.)
Gandalf: Owwwwwww!
(When Gandalf said "Fire" the Gondorians drew their bows and fired at the tanks. All arrows bounce off the tanks. The Gondorian soldiers then lower their spears and meet to "fight" Sauron's host! Then the orcs start filling up the catapults with glow-sticks and lightsaber crystals and launch them into Minas Tirith as safe substitutes for fire-balls. Gandalf is now having all Gondorians retreat to the second level. Gothmog is now commanding his army to move foward.)
Gothmog: Move into the city! "Kill" all in your path!
(Captain 5 pulls out a map.)
Captain 5: What path is mine! Is it Route 66? Or Highway 60? You know...I think I like mine to be Route 5.
Gothmog: Kill...all...that...stand...in...your...WAY!
Captain 5: Right.
(Meanwhile, Pippin is looking at all of this when he sees Denethor walking "solemnly" out of the White Tower. A line of Gondorians walks behind him, carrying Faramir. Pippin secretly follows but unoticed by them.)
Denethor: I go to the grave of my fathers. Who are no more.
Gondorian Carrier of the Dead 1: (*whipsering*) Those aren't your lines my lord.
Denethor: I know. Just follow me solemnly. (He then turns his attention to Faramir) Faramir?
Faramir: Yes father?
Denethor: Did you bring your holocauster's cloak?
Faramir: Yes.
(Faramir then sits up a little and pulls out some things from a back-pack that is laying near him.)
Faramir: I brought my gas mask. My ciggarete lighter. My water bottle. My Van Gough. My...
Denethor: Why did you bring your Van Gough?
Faramir: Because he's a horrible artist.
(Denethor gasps in shock at Faramir's remark.)
Faramir: I like Leanardo De Vinkey's work. You know the Mona Lisa?
Denethor: Why do you like the Mona Lisa better then the Van Gough?
Faramir: I don't really like the Mona Lisa painting either.
Denethor: Then why do you keep it?
Faramir: Because Saruman gave it to me saying that that was a picture of the girl I was going to marry.
(Denethor's eyes widen and he turns his eyes foward.)
Denethor: That's shocking!
Faramir: Yeah I know! That's why I want to marry that kind of girl.
Denethor: Ohhhhh boy.
(The solemn train goes on until they reach the house of the Stewards. Denethor has the men lay "dead" Faramir on the floor while Denthor looks around and then talks to himself.)
Denethor: No tomb for Denethor. No tomb for Denethor and his son.
Gondorian Carrier of the Dead 7: Oh yes there is.
Denethor: Where?
(Gondorian Carrier of the Dead points to the floor where a drain gratting is there.)
Gondorian Carrier of the Dead 7: In there.
Denethor: There?
Gondorian Carrier of the Dead 7: Yes.
Denethor: That one's too small for me.
Gondorian Carrier of the Dead 7: Oh.
(Denethor then turns his attention to one of the Gondorian captains.)
Denethor: Do you know why this is called the House of Stewards, captain?
Gondorian Captain 11: No. Why?
Denethor: Because this house used to be a house where whatever Gondorian wife could cook the best stew would get an award. That's why this house was called the house of Stewards.
Gondorian Captain 11: But why is it called the house of Stewards?
Denethor: Oh. I didn't tell you the full history behind it. How careless of me.
Gondorian Captain 11 whispers to himself: Yes. How careless of you.
Denethor: Well because, it is the house of Stew-Awards. But they passed a law that said that the A and W in Stew-Awards should be taken out and so they instead called it the House of Stewards.
Gondorian Captain 11: But did we still have dead bodies in here during the Stew-Award era?
Denethor: No. This house used to be full of Stew Award Placs and Metals and would be kept under strict guard. But, Isiluder was running out of places to "bury dead" and noble Gondorians and so they took out all the Stew Awards and placed them in the Houses of Healing and filled this place with "dead" bodies and all.
Gondorian Captain 11: Ahh.
Denethor: Now...bring wood and oil.
(The Gondorian soldiers obey and run back into the White Tower and bring back Cooking Oil. The wood has been already prepared around a pyre to "burn" Denethor and Faramir. They then splash it on the wood.)
Denethor: No! No! No! Not cooking oil! Oil! You know!
Gondorian Captain 11: I do?
Denethor: Of course you do! You joined the Fifth Bree Ranger Fire Fighter Division! You know! Gasoline, Petroleum, Diesel, Kerosene, Propane, Greek Fire!
Gondorian Captain 11: Eh...okay.
(The Gondorian Carrier of the Dead go and bring back a whole bunch of Gas cans filled with the named flamable products that Denethor metioned.)
Gondorian Captain 11: Which kind of gas do you want on the pyre?
Denethor: I want you to pour all of them on there.
Gondorian Captain 11: Okay.
(Gondorian Captain 11 and Gondorian Carriers of the Dead take each a can of gas and pour it on the wood. They then each get a torch to put it on the wood. But Pippin then strides up and sees what they are doing.)
Pippin: He's not dead. He's not dead!
(Pippin then starts trying to pull the wood apart but doesn't succeed. He then drives a little crazy and starts hitting his head on the wood before being dragged by Denethor.)
Pippin: NO! NO!
Denethor speaks while dragging Pippin: Farewell, Peregrin son of Paladin.
(Pippin raises his hand in a goodbye gesture to the Gondorian soldiers and Carriers of the Dead. He is then thrown outside the house and rolls on the ground.)
Pippin: Owwwwwwwwwwww!
Denethor: Go use your life as seems fitting to you.
(Denethor closes the doors to the house of Stewards. Pippin pulls out his sword and runs up to the doors in anger and slams his sword blade against the doors. The blade then bends to the sides for several minutes. Pippin then remembers that his sword is rubber and so he needs to find Gandalf. After several hours past, Pippin finds Gandalf.)
Pippin: Gandalf! Gandalf! Gandalf!
(Gandalf sees Pippin and pauses to listen to him.)
Pippin: Denethor has lost his mind!
Gandalf: Lost his mind? Then I should have put him into a insane asylum days ago.
Pippin: Not only that but he's "burning" Faramir alive!
Gandalf: Up!
(Gandalf reaches his hand to Pippin and pulls him up. He then rides up Minas Tirith but near the last level, he is confronted by the Witch King of Angmar.)
Gandalf: Go back to the Abyss! Where it lies in waiting for you and your master!
Witch King: Do you not know death when you see it old man?
Gandalf: I sure do. I was taught on what death looked like when I was dissecting a frog in Elf School.
Witch King: This is my hour!
(The Witch King pulls out a lightsaber with a blade that's red and holds it high. Pippin screams and Gandalf holds steady until he can hear nothing except the swirl of wind. The lightsaber makes a building up energy noise and explodes in the Witch King's hand. At the explosion, Gandalf gets pushed off by the force of the Witch King and so does Pippin. Pippin pulls out his rubber sword and charges but gets a "warning growl" from the Nazgul. The Witch King looks at whats left of his lightsaber handle and drops it to the ground. He then looks at Gandalf.)
Witch King: You have failed!
Gandalf: I have? That's terrible! I thought I was good in my Math and Magic papers and tests!
Witch King: The world of hens...men will fall!
(Witch King hears the sound of a horn and flys off to see what is happening. At the same time, Gothmog notices it also and realizes that they are facing another "enemy" of their's. Theoden rides up and sees the status of Minas Tirith. He then breathes a sigh of anticipation. He then orders his captains and Eomer to their right stations. He then gives his soldiers a word of encouragement.)
Theoden: Eomer, take your eo'red down the left flank. (*Eomer shouts, "Flank Ready."*) Gamling, take your banner down the center. Grimbold, take your company right, after you pass the wall; forth! And fear no darkness! Arise!
Rohan Rider: I already rose!
Theoden: Arise riders of Theoden!
Rohan Rider grumbles: I already rose!
Theoden: Machine guns shall be shaken! Bullets shall be splintered! A nuclear day! A pink day! Ere the sun rises!
(The Rohan Rider army drop their rifles and snipers into a charge position. Right now Gothmog is barking out orders to his men.)
Gothmog: Form ranks you maggots! Form ranks! Snipers in front! Guirilleas behind!
Orc [War-Guirellea] 8672: I ain't related to a monkey!
(Theoden then pulls out his sword and starts letting his sword clatter past the barrels of the Sniper guns and Rifles. But every time his sword passes one, his sword cuts it through. Each Rohan Rider then inspects his Sniper Rifle in shock.)
Theoden: Ride now!
Eomer: Okay. Charge!
(The Rohan Rider Army then charges and runs past Theoden. Theoden turns around his horse and starts waving his hands in the air.)
Theoden: No! No! Not now! That was my hero speech! Fine then! Ride to ruin! And the world's ending!
Rohan Rider 6700: We will my lord!
(Thr Rohan Rider Army charge at the lines of orcs. But Gothmog is determined that he will not lose this war-game. The Sniper Orcs then march up and raise their Snipers in the air.)
Gothmog: Fire!
(The Sniper Orcs pull the trigger and fire their Snipers. But the bullets just fly over the army.)
Gothmog: Fire!
(The Sniper Orcs then aim correctly for the first time and fire their rubber bullets which hit the armor of the Rohan Riders which sends them off their horse.)
Gothmog: Fire at will!
Orc 89450: Who's Will?
Gothmog: Nobody! Fire at will!
Orc 89450: Where's Will?
Gothmog: Idiots! Fire at will!
Orc 89450: Ok.
(Screams from an orc called Will is heard. The Sniper Orcs shoot at Will until he is "dead and then the Sniper Orcs then shoot randomly. One of the Rohan Riders furiously rides up to the line; determined to be the first one to draw orc "blood".)
Theoden: Charge!
(The host then gets nervous and starts retreating a little before being "runover" by the Rohan horses. Most orcs in Sauron's host are trained to be really runover by horses but don't get hurt. Gothmog's line starts retreating and it gets runover by the Rohan army also. Meanwhile, Denethor is pouring down a whole can full of Gasoline and accidentally swallows some.)
Denethor: (*wheezes*) Set a...(*cough*) fire...(*cough*) in our flesh! (*wheezes*)
Gondorian Captain 11: How am I supposed to do that?
Denethor: It's a figure of speech! Okay? Just set the wood on fire!
Gondorian Captain 11: Yes my lord.
(Denethor looks at the Gasoline can.)
Denethor: Where did you find the extra Gasoline?
Gondorian Captain 11: We had Beregon, take your Limo apart so that we could have your car's gas tank.
Denethor: Good. I don't think I'll be needing it anymore. Proceed.
(The Carrier's of the Dead and the Gondorian Captain walk foward with torches and are about to set the wood on flame when Shadowfax breaks the door open. Gandalf then sees what Denethor is doing.)
Gandalf: Stay this madness!
Denethor: I will stay this madness. But I won't stay my attempt for "suicide".
(Denethor then grabs a lightsaber from his Gondorian Captain and holds it upside down.)
Denethor: You may have defeated the White Soxs at the battle of Los Angeles. And you may have defeated the Dallas Cowboys. But here...there is no victory!
(Denethor then pushes the switch to the lightsaber and then puts the blade to the oil and it lights it. Pippin's eyes widen in shock and horror when he sees the flames near Faramir. But to his tiny satisfaction, Faramir is wearing a halocauster's cloak. Gandalf makes Shadowfax speed foward and kick Denethor off the Pyre.)
Denethor: Owwwwww! Medic!
(Gandalf has Shadowfax stand still at one side of the Pyre when Pippin jumps onto the Pyre and sits on one of the flames. That flame burns a little bit of his hobbit clothes but Pippin manages to push Faramir off the Pyre and onto the stone floor. Pippin then trys to put out a certain flame that has been lit on Faramir's hair. He manages to put it out. Denethor then sees what Pippin's doing and pushes him away.)
Denethor: No! Do not take my son from me!
Pippin: He ain't your son! Your John Noble! And he's David Wenham!
(Gandalf then rears up Shadowfax and has him kick Denethor onto the Pyre. Faramir then "starts" to "wake up". Denethor then sees that Faramir's still alive.)
Denethor: Faramir?
Faramir: Bill Clinton?
(Denethor then catches on fire and gets off the Pyre and starts running out of the House of Stewards. Denethor then shouts back something to Faramir.)
Denethor shouts back: I think there's something I need you to know Faramir.
Faramir shouts: What's that dad?
Denethor: I DIDN'T BRING MY HALOCAUSTER'S CLOAK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Faramir: Oh.
(Denethor then runs out of the Steward's house, up the stairs, into the courtyard, gets on the wall by some stairs and then gets to the place where he wants to jump off. Denethor then looks down and shouts,)
Denethor: Do you have that pool and pad ready?
Weta Workshop Guy 8: We sure do!
Denethor: All right! You better have it !
(Denethor falls from the jagged rock and falls into a pool prepared for him. A pad is at the bottom of the pool so that he doesn't crack his head or anything else while he falls through the water and hits the pads and floats up. Meanwhile, the Rohan Army is driving the orcs to the Anduin River. And 2/3 of the orc host of Sauron's host starts fleeing.)
Eomer: Drive them to the river!
(The Rohan Riders then furiously drive the orcs away from Minas Tirith.)
Theoden: Make safe the city!
(Theoden and his army then see something huge in the distance. The ones that were hotly pursuing the orc hoast then stop and gaze at what new foe they have to meet.)
Rohan Rider 5903: I think it's...it's a Tttttiitan Tank!
Rohan Rider 3000: I think it's...a bird!
Rohan Rider 8674: A frog! A huge French Frog!
Rohan Rider Host: A frog?
Rohan Rider 8674: You never know!
Theoden: It's the Mumakil! A Dumbo of thee ancient world! This foe is beyond any of you! But we'll still attack them! Reform a line! Reform a line!
Rohan Rider 8674: With what? We're not very good Reformers!
Theoden: Sound the charge!
(The horns of Rohan blast and the Rohan host charges at the huge elephants. The horns of the Haradrim sound and then they charge. Both forces "colide" together. But the Mumakil take the advantage of "crushing", "shooting", or "killing many with barb wire". One of the Haradrim drivers sees that he's "killing" the most but in reality, he's wearing digital goggles that make up the person's that are in front of him.)
Haradrim Driver 1: Ahhhhhhhhh! Uhhhhhhhhhh! (*Burp*) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (*Burp*).
(A Haradrim soldier sticks his head out of the building that they are on.)
Haradrim Soldier 9: Why do you keep on making those noises?
Haradrim Driver 1: Because I'll be acting as a Minotaur with Andrew Adamson and so I'm trying to get the feel of a Minotaur's voice.
Haradrim Soldier 9: Well, it sure isn't help us right now!
Haradrim Driver 1: Oh yes it is! My burps are scaring the Horse-Men away! See? See how they flee!
(Haradrim Soldier 9's eyes widen in amazement.)
Haradrim Soldier 9: Wow.
(Right now, the Rohan Riders are trying their best in stopping the Mumakil from going any further. Eomer retreats a little from Haradrim Driver 9 and then turns around his horse.)
Haradrim Driver 9: Nah! Nah! Nee! Nah! Nah! You can't get me!
Eomer: I can't can I?
(Eomer throws his spear and misses the Haradrim Driver by a foot. The spear flys past the Haradrim Driver and cuts the rope that holds the dwelling of the Haradrim Riders .)
Haradrim Soldiers of 8 Regiment: No! No! No! No!
(The building falls off the Oliphant's back but the Haradrim don't get hurt.)
Eomer: Oops.
(Meanwhile, most of the orcs in Sauron's host are standing near the Anduin River, waiting for the Corsairs of Umbar to come. They then see ships coming into the harbor. Orc Luitenant 1 shoulders his way through the crowd of orcs.)
Luitenant 1: Late as usual! Jack Sparrow! There's knife work that needs doing!
Orc 8290: Come on you sea-rats! Get off your ships!
(Jack Sparrow leaps out of the ship, along with Legolas and Gimli. To Legolas's satisfaction, he sees a lot of enemies to "kill". Aragorn then leaps out of ship. He lands on the ground and looks at Jack Sparrow.)
Aragorn: You're standing in my spot!
Jack Sparrow: So.
Aragorn: And you're in my heroic stance.
Jack Sparrow: So.
Aragorn: And so you better move! Or else I'll call on the Dead.
(Jack Sparrow's eyes widen in horror.)
Jack Sparrow: The Dead?
Aragorn: Yes. The Dead.
Jack Sparrow: What do they look like?
Aragorn: They look like Baby...Davy Jones.
(Jack Sparrow's eyes grow wider.)
Jack Sparrow: Like...Dddddavy Jones?
Aragorn: Yes.
Jack Sparrow: Oh bugger.
(Jack Sparrow faints and falls backwards.)
Gimli: Well there's plenty for the both of us. May the best dwarf win!
Legolas: But I'm not a dwarf.
Gimli: Well I am.
(The Dead come out of the ships and start "slaying" the orcs. Luitenant 1 starts to fall back.)
Luitenant 1: It's Godzilla's army!
Orc Captain 79: No! Worse! Frankenstine's!
(Meanwhile, Theoden is trying to command his men to come to him.)
Theoden: Eat with me! With me!
Rohan Rider 784: At McDonalds my lord?
Theoden: No. At Taco Bell.
Rohan Rider 784: Oh.
(The Witch King of Angmar at that moment fly's through the air and lands and grabs Theoden's horse that he is on and swings around the air. Eowyn watches this "horrible" sight.)
Theoden: Woooohoooooooo! This is fun! This is like going on a merry-go-around! Except, better!
(The Nazgul then lets go of Theoden's horse. Theoden flys through the air and his horse lies on top of him. Theoden grows in pain. An orc crawls onto the horse with a dagger but Theoden grabs the orcs neck and breaks it. The orc falls down "dead" and Theoden smells the orc.)
Theoden: When's the last time you took a shower?
Orc 8906: I don't know. When I was born?
Theoden sarcasticly: Nice.
(Gimli then arrives on the scene and doesn't notice the Witch King of Angmar or his steed but goes up to Theoden who he thinks is an orc and raises his ax above Theoden's neck.)
Gimli: Tell me where they are and I'll ease your passing.
Theoden: Who?
Gimli: The puppies.
Theoden: What kind of breed are they?
(Gimli rolls his eyes.)
Gimli: Don't you watch cartoons?
Theoden: Yeah. At the Golden Hall we have 80 satellite dishes wired on the roof of the Golden Hall.
Gimli: Theoden?
Theoden: Gimli?
(The Witch King of Angmar begins to get impatient of the two's disscussion.)
Witch King: Do not stand between the Nazgul and his prey.
(Gimli chuckles nervously when he sees the Witch King and the Nazgul.)
Gimli: Toodles.
(Gimli then runs off to a different part of the Pellanor fields. He then sees that Legolas has made some progress in his "killing".)
Legolas: Thirty-Three! Thirty-Four!
Gimli: Don't get so proud kid!
Legolas: Who are you calling a kid? Old dwarf?
Gimli: You called me old dwarf! Thank you! That just shows all the more how my age makes you a kid!
(Legolas rolls his eyes. Gimli "slays" two orcs at once. Aragorn then sees a oliphant approaching them.)
Aragorn: Legolas?
Legolas: What?
(Aragorn points to the oliphant.)
Aragorn: That!
Legolas: Who?
Aragorn: That!
Legolas: Which part?
Aragorn: The whole thing!
Legolas: Oh.
(Legolas runs towards the oliphant.)
Gimli: YOU CAN'T TAKE THE WHOLE THING DOWN! SAVE SOME FOR ME!
(Legolas jumps onto one of the horns of the oliphant and lands on a spike.)
Legolas: Owwwwwwwwwwwww!
(Legolas then jumps off the spike and jumps onto the leg and grunts. He then jumps again to the back leg and grunts again, and starts climbing by grabbing the arrows and pulling himself up. One of the arrows though snaps when Legolas grasps it.)
(Legolas gulps.)
(He continues climbing and then gets above the butt of the oliphant. He then draws his bow and starts counting on all the Haradrim he "kills".)
Legolas: Thirty-six! Thirty-seven!
(A Haradrim soldier jumps from the dwelling that is tied to the oliphant and misses Legolas by a foot. Another jumps and Legolas pushes that one down. He then grabs a thick rope and swings to the side of the oliphant. He then takes out his knife and starts slicing the thick rope with his knife. The dwelling slides off to one side of the oliphant which pulls Legolas up but flings him over the side.)
Legolas: Kowa bungaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
(None of the Hardrim or Legolas get hurt though. The oliphant continues marching on without being killed. Meanwhile, Eowyn confronts the Nazgul, by staying between Theoden and the Nazgul.)
Witch King: The Black Riders do not suffer the weakling to pass.
Eowyn: That's the King of the Dead's line.
Witch King: I know. But I wasted it on that stupid dwarf and that Heyoden.
(The Witch King of Angmar steers his steed to "eat" Eowyn. Eowyn steps to the side and wacks the Nazgul bird with her sword. Her sword bounces up and bends to the sides.)
Eowyn: What the?
Witch King: Your sword is rubber! (*evil cackle*) Moo ha, ha, ha, ha!
Eowyn: Well your steed must fall "dead"!
(The Witch King nods and whispers to his steed to fall over "dead". The Nazgul slumps over "dead" to the side and the Witch King falls off his steed. Eowyn gets a plexi glass shield and waits for the fight with the Witch King. The Witch King rises from his "dead" Nazgul and shows Eowyn his Morning Star\or mace and at the same time carries in his other hand, a wand similar to the White Witch's.)
Eowyn: You can't use a wand! Especially when that's the White Witch's!
Witch King: Who cares? Besides, I'm a witch myself aren't I.
(Witch King then wheezes instead of screaming like a Black Rider and trys to rais and swing the mace but the mace is to heavy for him. The Witch then fumbles around his clothes and pulls out a hammer stamped the name, Sears, which is attached to a long chain and then puts down the mace. He then swings the hammer and it breaks off the chain and hits a orc who falls "dead". Witch King then sighs in fatigueness and looks at Eowyn.)
Eowyn: Bring it on.
Witch King: Bring on what?
Eowyn: Soda.
Witch King: Why? I only have Doctor Pepper and Sprite. And I'M SAVING THEM!
Eowyn: Well bring on anything you've got on you.
Witch King: Okay.
(The Witch King pulls out a 9mm pistol and shoots point-blank at Eowyn. Eowyn holds her shield up but gets knocked down and "killed" by the bullets.)
Witch King: Moo, Ha, Ha, Ha! Now I'll be the fairest in the land!
Orc 85009: Those are lines from Harry Dwhite and the Seven Pores. And you are not fair.
Witch King: Who cares. I am invinci...
(The Witch King gets "stabbed" in the leg by Merry. He then falls down on his knees in "pain". Eowyn gets up and picks up her sword and pulls off her helmet.)
Eowyn: I am no human. I mean man.
(Witch King then grabs her neck with one of his hands.)
Witch King: You fool!
Eowyn: Wait! Let...me...explain.
Witch King: No human can cheat me. Die now.
(Merry then picks up his sword again and "stabs into" the Witch King's leg furiously. After about a minute of stabbing, Merry looks at his sword which is blunt and bent. Witch King then turns his head towards Merry, still holding his grasp on Eowyn.)
Witch King: I have bullet-proof armor under that leg. Moo, Ha, Ha, Ha!
(The Witch King then looses his grasp on Eowyn. Eowyn takes the chance and stabs her sword into the Witch King's head. A muffled noise comes out of his mouth; for her sword is in his mouth. While the Witch King is talking, Aragorn and Gimli come up. Aragorn "stabs" the Witch King in the front. And Gimli does two "wacks" with his two axes on the back of the Witch King.)
Witch King: Wait! You're...supposed to do...that...on Gothmog! Not me!
(The Witch King falls to the ground "dead".)
Eowyn: Wait. You're supposed to explode.
(Witch King lifts his head to look at Eowyn.)
Witch King: They forgot to strap on dynamite in my cloak if I got "killed". I can't explode.
Eowyn: Oh.
(Aragorn recognizes Eowyn's voice.)
Aragorn: Eowyn? What are you doing here?
(Eowyn chuckles nervously.)
Eowyn: I wanted to join this "war-game" but my Uncle wouldn't let Merry or me come!
Aragorn: Merry? You brought Merry? Where is he?
(Eowyn covers her mouth with her hand.)
Eowyn: I think you have the wrong person.
(Theoden then recognizes Eowyn's voice.)
Theoden: I heard that! Oww.
(Eowyn then turns her attention to Theoden just when Aragorn runs off. Eowyn then sees Theoden needs help.)
Eowyn to Aragorn: Wait! You need to tend to my uncle!
Aragorn: That's what I'm going to do!
Eowyn: What are you going to do that will help my father?
Aragorn: He wants me alive. Correct?
Eowyn: Correct.
Aragorn: And you get diseases from people that are broken. Correct?
Eowyn: Correct.
Aragorn: I am running away so that I don't get his disease or germs. I am trying to stay alive!
Eowyn: Wait!
(Aragorn doesn't hear Eowyn's cries. Eowyn then lays next to Theoden and looks at him. Theoden wakes up and sees Eowyn's face.)
Theoden: I know your face.
Eowyn: You do? Who am I then?
(Theoden smiles.)
Theoden: Mrs. Santa.
(Eowyn sighs angrily and rolls her eyes.)
Eowyn: I'm Eowyn. Your neice.
Theoden: No your not. Your Mrs. Santa to take me home to the Christmas Tree of my fathers. In whose mighty company, I will get drunk and give out presents.
(Theoden then flops his arms to the side and rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue to show that he is "dead". After several hours of the Dead "terrorizing" the whole orc army to "death", they amass in the Pelenor Fields in front of Aragorn but Gandalf does not appear.)
King of the Dead: Release us.
Aragorn: How?
King of the Dead: By saying "Rest in Peas".
Gimli: Bad idea.
Aragorn to Gimli: Actually it isn't. I agree with your word.
(Aragorn then turns his attention to the King of the Dead.)
Aragorn: I hold your oath fulfilled. Go now. Rest in Peas.
(King of the Dead smiles and he and the rest of his people dissapear away by a cloud into the north-west. Gimli sighs in satisfaction. Meanwhile, the Dead reappear in Farmer Maggots field of peas and look all around themselves. They then turn to the sound of a shotgun fire and see Farmer Maggot all pale with fear and terror. Farmer Maggot shoots his shotgun again shakingly and the BB's go through the Dead. The Dead smile but the king stares seriously at Farmer Maggot.)
King of the Dead: We're looking for a job.
Farmer Maggot: Why did you come here?
King of the Dead: Because the rang...king of Gondor told us to "Rest in peas". So do you have a job for us?
(Farmer Maggot opens the door slightly and takes another glance at the Dead.)
Farmer Maggot: You can scare away the crows in the cornfields in my absence.
(Farmer Maggot hurries inside his hobbit hole and pears through the window and then shuts the shutters. Meanwhile, the men of Rohan are looking among there Dead while Legolas looks with them. While he's looking, he finds a leather-bond book. He picks it up and finds it is the President's Diary containing all of America's secrets.)
Legolas: Yeaaaaaahhh! Woooooohooooooo!
Aragorn: What is it, Legolas?
(Aragorn runs up to Legolas.)
Legolas: I found the President's Diary that contains all of America's secrets!
Aragorn: Really? What are you going to do with it?
Legolas: I'm going to give it to that actor, Nicholas Cage.
Aragorn: Why would you want to give it to an actor? We would be filthy rich if we sold this.
(Aragorn taps his hand on the book.)
Legolas: Haven't you watched National Treasure 2?
Aragorn: Nope. I saw National Treasure 1 at Shire's Cinema.
(Gimli comes up.)
Gimli: Even better. I've got thee Golden Compass.
(Legolas and Aragorn look at each other and roll their eyes.)
Aragorn: Well of course you have the "Golden Compass". Anybody can buy those kinds of DVD's in Mordor.
Gimli: No. I have THEE Golden Compass. The Compass itself!
(Legolas and Aragorn's eyes widen in amazement and go over to Gimli.)
Aragorn: Where did you find it?
Gimli: I found it off a dead guy that had it in his left hand.
Aragorn: What did he look like?
(Gimli shruggs his shoulders.)
Gimli: He looked like the author of The Golden Compass.
(Legolas looks around.)
Legolas whispering to Gimli: You better not tell that to the author's relatives or his fans. They might kill you.
(Gimli and Aragorn nod in agreement.)
(The next day...)
(Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Eomer, and Faramir stand in the throne-hall of Denethor in the White Tower. Gimli sits in Denethor's chair smoking Copenhagen ciggarettes.)
Faramir: Frodo has passed beyond my sight.
Gimli: Of course he has. He's far away. Deep in Mordor.
Legolas: Do you need glasses to find him?
Gimli: That's a great idea! Maybe you need new glasses in order to see him.
(Legolas and Gimli burst into laughter while the rest in the hall remain serious. After a little while Legolas and Gimli stop laughing.)
Faramir: If I had Gandalf by my side I would know what to do.
Gimli: Is Gandalf your computer?
Aragorn: Enough Gimli.
(Faramir remains silent in thought for a few minutes.)
Faramir: I think we should gather the Jedi and march against Sauron.
(Aragorn sees Gimli smoking and leans over to him while Faramir is talking.)
Aragorn: Can I have a smoke, Gimli?
Gimli: Sure.
(Gimli breathes a puff of smoke towards Aragorn. Aragorn coughs and then regains his composure.)
Aragorn: What I meant was that, could I have something that I can smoke on.
Gimli: Sure.
(Gimli pulls out of his pockets some cigarette and cigar boxes.)
Gimli mumbling to himself: Copenhagen. Skoal. Marawana. Cocaine. You know I think, Gandalf Throat would work best.
Aragorn: You have Gandalf Throat?
Gimli: Of course.
Aragorn: Can I have one?
Gimli: I don't know if Gandalf would like that.
(Aragorn rolls his eyes.)
Aragorn: I meant one of these.
(Aragorn taps his finger on the package labeled, Gandalf Throat.)
Gimli: Sure.
(Gimli is about to hand it to him when he squints his eyes in suspicion and withdraws it.)
Gimli: What would you want it for?
Aragorn: I want to smoke one of them so that all will listen to me since my voice will sound like Gandalf when I smoke one of those cigars all down.
(Gimli consents and hands one to Aragorn. He then turns his attention to Faramir.)
Gimli: Let him rot! Why should we care?
Aragorn: Because, ten billion droids stand between Frodo and Mount Doom.
Faramir: Hey!
(Aragorn turns his head this way and that.)
Aragorn: Where?
Faramir: Those were my lines!
Aragorn: Well technically, those were Gandalf's who is not here right now.
Faramir: Well you're not Gandalf.
(Aragorn takes a lighted cigar of Gandalf's Throat and breathes in the smoke heavily.)
Aragorn in Gandalf voice: So?
Faramir: And I'm the next powerful person in line.
Aragorn in Gandalf voice: And I'm the king of Gondor.
(Faramir rolls his eyes.)
Faramir: Yeah. And I'm Queen Islandazi's daughter.
Aragorn without Gandalf voice: You are?
Faramir: That was just an exaggeration.
Aragorn in Gandalf voice: Well snooze you loose.
Eomer: Tell me. Why should we attack those who did not attack us in our own country.
(All besides Eomer look at him. Eomer smiles nervously.)
Gimli mumbling: Like father, like son.
Aragorn: I know how to defeat Sauron in this war-game.
Gimli: How?
Aragorn: Draw out the Viceroy's armies. Empty Sauron's lands. And then we gather all the Jedi and our full strength and march on the Black Gate.
(Gimli coughs up smoke.)
Legolas: A division. I meant...a diversion.
Gimli: Certainty of life. Large chance of sucess. What are we waiting for?
Legolas: I know what we are waiting for. We're waiting for Prince Caspian to come out in Gondor Cinema.
Aragorn to Gimli: Are you sure Gimli?
Gimli: Positive. We have the Jedi on our side.
Faramir: The Viceroy and Sauron will suspect a trap. They will not take the bait.
Aragorn: Oh, I think they will.
(An hour later...)
(Aragorn goes into the throne-hall with a pistol in his right hand. He uncovers a cloth and finds the Palantier; but he thinks its Kryptonite.)
Aragorn: ! Kryptonite!
(Marble lips form from the Palantier and the Palantier comes to life.)
Palantier: Iam not Kryptonite. Now, would you like to speak to someone?
(Aragorn stops wailing and plucks up courage. He grabs the Palantier and the lips go back into the stone. After a little while the Eye of Sauron and the Viceroy appear.)
Aragorn: Long have you haunted me.
Sauron: Good.
Aragorn: Long have I endured you.
Viceroy: Bad.
Aragorn: No more!
Viceroy: No more what? Lightsabers?
(Aragorn shows the pistol in the Palantier.)
Aragorn: Behold the pistol of Jason Bourn.
(Sauron then shows Aragorn Arwen and starts speaking in an unknown tongue. Aragorn panicks and tosses the Palantier out of his hand which hits the floor and cracks the White Tower all around. Aragorn starts biting his nails in fright and starts shaking his head in hope that the tower won't collapse. The cracking stops and Aragorn sighs and breaths out. The White Tower falls on top of Aragorn.)
Aragorn: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
(The next day...)
(Aragorn rides out with what "remains" of the Rohan and Gondorian armies. Merry comes but Pippin and Gandalf don't show up.)
(5 hours later...)
(The armies of Rohan and Gondor march into the valley in front of the Black Gate and assemble. After done assembling they wait for a while. Merry then starts to get nervous.)
Merry: Where are they?
Eomer: Who?
Merry: The Puppies!
Eomer: What puppies?
Merry: I was just quoting from a cartoon. Hey. Haven't you watched 101 Dalmatians?
Eomer: No.
(Merry sighs. Aragorn then rides forth with an escort of Gondorian soldiers towards the Black Gate with, Legolas, Merry, Eomer, Gimli, and Superman who walks instead of riding. The company stops about a hundred yards away from the gate.)
Aragorn: Let the lord of the Black Land, of the Black Gate, of the Dark Tower, of the Black Riders, come forth! Let justice be done upon him for his cheating ways in the "war-game" that Peter Jackson let us do!
(No answer.)
Merry: Maybe their just getting a cup of coffee.
(Eomer lifts his eyebrow at Merry. Merry chuckles nevously.)
Aragorn: Come forth!
(After Aragorn said those words the Black Gate opens suddenly and knocks Aragorn and his horse to the side. The gate flattens them as thin as a pancake but they aren't seriously hurt. Eomer rides to the side and sees Aragorn and his horse alive but flat. He then blows Aragorn and his horse back into shape and rides back to the company. Aragorn then gets on his horse and joins them. Issuing from the gateway is the Mouth of Sauron on a clone-scooter that floats off the ground. The clone-scooter then stops in front of the company and the Mouth of Sauron speaks.)
Mouth of Sauron: What is this? An elf, a man, a migget...
Gimli: Hey! I'm no midget! You evil-tongue, slack-jawed...
(Legolas covers Gimli's mouth.)
Mouth of Sauron: ...a twelfthling, a horse-boy, and soldiers in shining armor doing here in the Blackeymark.
Eomer mumbling: Blackeymark is nothing close to the name, Riddermark.
Mouth of Sauron: Speak quickly! Or else I shall lose my patience. I might be late for my grinning lessons.
Eomer mumbling: And you're using my lines. No thanks to you.
(Superman comes flying in and lands next to Eomer.)
Superman: Give me your name master mouth of long teeth.
(The grin of the Mouth of Sauron goes into an angry grin.)
Superman: And I'll give you mine.
(The Mouth of Sauron gets off his scooter and stands face to face to Superman.)
Mouth of Sauron: If you were just a little stronger and tougher, weakling, I would give you a fair duel to the bruise.
(Superman smiles and waits for Legolas to say, "You would die before your stroke fell". Legolas doesn't say the line and Superman looks questioningly at him but Legolas doesn't answer.)
Superman to Legolas: Fine then!
(Superman turns his attention to the Mouth of Sauron.)
Superman: All right, Sally-Baby. We'll see who's the toughest.
Mouth of Sauron: All right. You get to do a hit anywhere on my body and then I get to hit you.
Superman: Fine.
(Mouth of Sauron stands still while Superman hits the Mouth of Sauron where his armor is. Superman grunts in pain and looks at his bashed nuckles.)
Mouth of Sauron: Now. My turn.
(The Mouth of Sauron swings and hits Superman's jaw which knocks Superman out.)
(Superman falls to the ground and doesn't stir. The Mouth of Sauron gets back on his scooter and then turns his attention to the company once more.)
Mouth of Sauron: My master, Sauron the Great bids thee welcome.
(Mouth of Sauron grins. Aragorn lifts an eyebrow but Legolas glares and Gimli goes grim with disgust.)
Mouth of Sauron: Is there any point to this rabble that would come to treat with me?
Faramir: I...we have not come to discuss matters of stupidity with Sauron; idiotic, and accursed.
(Mouth of Sauron's expression turns into one of anger.)
Faramir: Tell your master this, The armies of Mordor must disband. He is to depart himself from these lands. Never to return.
Mouth of Sauron: Why?
Faramir: Because he says so.
Mouth of Sauron: Ahhh. Old...actually...young gr...orange beard...no...young orange whiskers. Ahhh. Here is a token I was bidden to show thee.
(Gimli unstraps one of his small axes and holds it high for the Mouth of Sauron to see.)
Gimli: Give us the "Tolkien" you said you were "bidden to show" us and I will ease your tongue!
Mouth of Sauron: Ahhhh. Old Brown Beard.
Gimli: Why you!
(While the Mouth of Sauron was speaking he pulled out a pair of suspenders and a torn up shirt.)
Faramir whispers to himself: Frodo.
Merry: No! Those are Frodo's!
(Faramir goes cross-eyed.)
Faramir: He got raptured!
Gondorian Soldier 517 mumbling: I at first thought those were my son's.
Aragorn: Zip the lip! And be silent!
Merry: NO!
(Aragorn mistakes Merry's cry of Frodo's death for a disloyalty to his orders.)
Aragorn: How dare you disobey my orders! You will obey them right now!
Mouth of Sauron: The eighthling was dear to you, I see...no I don't see...I hear...the eightling was dear to you I hear. Know that he should "suffer" greatly at the hands of his host. Who would've thought that one so small could endure so much tickling. But he did Eragon.
Aragorn: My name is not Eragon! It's Aragorn!
Mouth of Sauron: He did.
Aragorn: "He did" what?
(The Mouth of Sauron then pretends to notice Aragorn for the first time.)
Mouth of Sauron: Ahhh. And who is this?
Aragorn: What do you mean by saying, "who is this?"? You've been talking to me for the last ten minutes.
(Aragorn rides towards the Mouth of Sauron.)
Mouth of Sauron: Well...Gandalf is not here right now. So I have to pretend that I just noticed you. It takes more than a Jedi blade to make a Jedi.
(Aragorn rides a little past the Mouth of Sauron and turns on his green lightsaber and knocks the helmet of the Mouth of Sauron which turns out to be robotic but Aragorn doesn't even notice.)
Gimli: I guess that concludes negotiations and duel-fightations.
Aragorn: I will not believe it!
Gimli: You won't believe that negotiations are concluded?
(A real human head pops out of the armor slowly and looks around "cautiously" before going back into the armor.)
Aragorn: I will not!
Eomer: Why not?
Aragorn: Because I will not!
(The Eye of Sauron turns towards the Black Gate which opens and the host of Sauron's army marches slowly out. The company looks at Gimli while Gimli smiles nervously for saying "certainty of life, small chance of death".)
Aragorn: Fall back!
Eomer: Why can't we take them?
Aragorn: I would suggest you don't ask me and start riding back.
(Aragorn's company then starts riding back. Aragorn then reaches his army. Aragorn then starts talking to his army.)
Aragorn: "Sauron protects those who protect themselves", right men?
(Aragorn's army murmer in agreement.)
Aragorn: Well that's a false saying and it is my goal to make it false! That's why we have a good excuse to fight these wimps!
(A fiery arrow from a orc captain goes above and past Aragorn's head.)
Aragorn: Yikes!
(Aragorn rears his horse and calms it down before continuing.)
Aragorn: Anyway...we should not be afraid of anything. Now...I bid you stand (Aragorn's army pull out their weapons) men of the west, east, north, & south!
(Aragorn rears his horse and falls off of it. After fifteen minutes, Sauron's army surrounds Aragorn's army. A news-helicopter flys over these two and starts filming them both. A news reporter starts talking on Middle-Earth News.)
News-Reporter (female): From what it looks like, the two competing armies of Middle-Earth are putting up some sort of commercial. Sauron's army has surrounded Aragorn's army which both of them [from what it looks like] are trying to make a sign for the store Target. Back to you, Sauron.
Sauron talking to News-Reporter: I don't know what to tell you Galadriel but my army is not trying to finish their war-game. Instead, my army and my "enemy's" army are trying to make some sort of commercial as you said.
News-Reporter Galadriel: Thanks Sauron. Well Middle-Earth, that's all the news will give you for now. We'll get back to you in a couple of hours and see what happens.
(News-Helicopter goes a safe distance away from the battle-field but still films what both armies are doing. Meanwhile, everybody in Aragorn's army have gotten off their horses and Aragorn stares into the eye of Sauron. Everything goes quiet and Faramir wonders what is happening to Aragorn.)
Faramir: Aragorn? What's the matter with you? Are you hypnotized?
(Aragorn doesn't answer but stares at Sauron for a while. He then turns and looks at Faramir and shows an evil grin.)
Aragorn: The ring is mine! And I'm going to fight for it!
(Aragorn then is about to go to a full run when his cape gets caught on Pippin's sword which rips it in half. Aragorn doesn't notice and continues running toward the lines. Knowing that Pippin had stuck the point of his sword in Aragorn's cape on purpose, Merry exclaims,)
Merry: He won't look to happy will he when he knows that you have purposely ripped his cape.
Pippin: Not at all, Merry. But the ring will be mine too!
(Pippin follows Aragorn at a running speed himself and so does Merry. Aragorn's army then gets greedy and each soldier wants the ring for himself. Aragorn's army then charges. Aragorn goes in circles with his lightsaber and starts "killing" orcs. While he is going in circles, his cape gets caught on the pikes or spears of the orcs. Which of course rips his cape into shreads. Legolas unslings a machine gun and starts firing. The first line of orcs pretends to die and falls down. Everybody starts fighting. A troll comes after Aragorn and…