AN: Well, here's my first Gilmore Girls fic. It's a one-shot, and it's (shockingly) not based on a song. Of course, it's Lit (is there any other man for Rory? I mean, really?), and it's a future fic. Oh! And let's just pretend that Rory and Jess never dated at all...they just crushed on each other like mad. So, I hope you enjoy this! And don't forget to review!
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Gilmore Girls (if I did, Jess would have never left). I do, however, own the plot. And the words. And the thoughts. Yep...those are all mine!
I'm not gonna rely on anyone else for my happiness. I'm my own person. I decide how I should feel in any given moment.
Except when it comes to love. That's when I don't get to decide my feelings. That's when my emotions are on their own...they consume my entire being, not letting me out of their grasp. They pull me under, attempting to drown me unless I'm strong enough to get out of their hands.
So far, I've been strong enough to get out of their hands. I almost didn't the last time. It took me a long while, but I finally won the battle.
But I don't want to win the war. I desperately want to lose this war. I want love to get the tightest grip on me that it possibly can and pull me under forever. I want love to kill me.
Kill me with a kiss.
You know, I fell for you 8 years ago. 8 long, life-changing years ago. I knew way back then that you would somehow change my life. I didn't know how, but I knew you would.
I remember wishing and praying and hoping that you would someday return the feelings that I felt for you. The feelings that I still feel for you. I did that for 3 years. And for me to not give up on a guy within a month was a major feat. It meant something. I wasn't sure what, but I knew it did. I was fickle and petty and shallow back then. But not about you. Never about you. You were always different.
I remember the day you left. I remember that last hug before I thought I would never see you again. And I remember losing all hope that there could ever be something between us. For the first time since I had met you, I gave up on there ever being an "us". You were going to be too far away, and we were young. I had never even had a real relationship before. And, I honestly thought you never returned my feelings. So I buried them. I hid them in the darkest part of my heart, never to bring them out again. I moved on. I "dated" never for more than a few weeks at a time quite a few guys that first year without you. I don't know why they didn't last that long. I guess I was exploring the fact that, for the first time, I was getting noticed. And I was enjoying it.
That second year without you, I met him. And I was gone. He was my first love. And we lasted a long time...years. Oh yes, there were problems. Major problems. But, we worked through them. Or so I thought. Come to find out, there were problems that lasted the entire relationship that we never fixed. But I hold no resentment towards him. I can't hate or despise him. All in all, I still love him. I'm not in love with him, and there's no way I could ever be with him again. But, I gave him too much of my heart, too much of me, to ever stop completely loving him.
Another reason for the demise of mine and his relationship was that it was safe. Oh, don't get me wrong, at the time safe is what I wanted. Safe is what I needed. But now, I want reckless. I want fire. I want passion. I want a love that consumes me. I want a love that will drive me mad until I get what I want.
And, what I want, is you.
It's always been you.
Like I said before, I gave up on the idea of "us" when you left. I honestly thought there was no way it would ever happen. But then you got back in touch with me, and now I'm wanting this more than ever. I realized that you have always had a little bit of my heart. I would occasionally find my mind drifting to you, and I missed you. When you would visit, I thought I would go crazy. I wanted to be with you every second that I possibly could be. Even when I was with him, if you were here, I wanted to be with you. I tried not to show it. I tried to tell myself that I was just hanging out with you because it had been awhile since I last saw you. And, while I may have fooled everyone else, I could never completely fool myself. You've always had a place in my heart, and I can't deny that anymore. I don't want to deny that anymore.
After eight long years, we're finally here. I never expected this to happen. The one thing I gave up on so long ago is here, and it's consuming me. I'm thinking about you constantly. I'm wishing I could be with you every second of every day. I'm wanting this like I've wanted nothing else. This is all so new to me. This is safe, yet, there's a bit of a mystery, a little danger, for lack of a better term, about it. This is exciting. Then again, anything with you has always been exciting.
I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason why you were brought into my life all those years ago. There's a reason why I fell for you. There's a reason why I could never fully let you go. And there's a reason why we're both feeling this way now. I want to explore this. I want to jump head first into this and find out what this could be—what we could be.
I'm scared out of my mind. I don't want another heartbreak. But, unlike the other guys, I'm not going to guard my heart with you. I'm in this, all or nothing. That's just how I am. I've never been this way with any other guy. It took me forever to completely give him my heart. Well…what I had of my heart. You always did have a piece of me with you. I'm trusting you with my heart. And that doesn't scare me at all.
But, like I've said before, you've always been different.