New Years' Coda to Tear Filled Trails of Blood
I have a Friend at New Year
(31st December 2002)
Ianto didn't feel well.
He could feel his legs trembling as he leaned against the wall. A hand passed over his face, feeling the scratch of his stubble against his fingers. It felt strange, like his face was slightly off centre. Not quite where it ought to be.
The buzzy, off-kiltered feeling of the alcohol was being muddled with the dizziness of the pills that some guy had pressed against his lips and he had accepted. He was almost sure that the same guy's cum was staining his jeans along with his own blood. But it could easily have been a different guy's… Ianto honestly didn't care. He'd gotten his fix. The pain was a satisfying, stinging thrill through his body. But now, as he leaned against the wall even more, it was adding to his sense of panic as his limbs didn't seem to belong to him anymore.
He wanted air, but he didn't know where the door out was.
Shivering, even though he felt like his skin was on fire, he sank to the floor and curled up, gripping his knees. He needed help.
His first thought was to dig out his phone and call Michaela for help. But she'd thrown him out of the House on Boxing Day, and he knew she didn't want him. He wouldn't call her.
"Hey! You!"
Ianto lifted his head, blinking hard at the bouncer who was scowling at him.
"Time to move alchy. Out we go." he said, his voice sounding strange to Ianto's ears over the music of the club. How had he got here again?
Oh yeah.
It was New Years Eve, and it was pouring rain. He'd slipped into this dingy club to escape the weather and to get drunk. His mood had been darker than ever, and had cost him his job two days ago. And it was all because he'd been stupid enough to kiss her. He just wanted to forget about her, about feeling happy and safe. He didn't need it.
But now… now his head was beginning to hurt and he felt scared.
"Don't… please. Don't feel well." he gabbled to the bouncer. But his words were drowned out by the music and in any case, the bouncer rolled his eyes.
"C'mon, out you go."
Ianto struggled as the bouncer picked him up and dragged him to the door.
"No! Please, it's raining."
"Not my problem mate. It's New Years."
That was it. That was an explanation for his treatment. It was New Years. Everyone was out in any and all clubs. Desperate everyone. Wanting kisses, fucks, love and life. New Years, everyone looked to it to magically change their lives. Only Ianto seemed to get it. Nothing ever changed. No one looking for love would find it when a clock's hands reached a spot, and no one would gain money or fame when the last digit of a year changed.
The rain soaked him through in seconds as the bouncer shoved him out the door. Fury overcame his fear and disconcertion and for a moment everything crystallised. He span around and shouted,
"Fuck you!" at the bouncer. He looked unimpressed.
"Go on get out of here ye drunk."
"'m not drunk!" shouted Ianto, swaying as his crystallising moment faded and he felt the affects of whatever he'd been given. The sting in his arse was really beginning to hurt, and he refused to crumple to the ground in front of these bastards.
Turning away and staggering down the street, Ianto turned a corner and ended up in a deserted alley. There he sank into god knows what mess of shit, piss, dead rats and vomit and unmentionables. His stomach hurt. His arse hurt. His eyes were trying to roll out of his head and his fingers were tingling. God this was bad. He should never have taken those pills. Didn't even know what was in them.
His phone, brand new, with a few numbers in it was in his hands, although he didn't remember taking it out. He held it like he was praying, and maybe he was. Thoughts were flying through his head, indiscernible.
Maybe Ivor was dead. Maybe Michaela would forgive him. Maybe Torchwood House was more than some historical archive. Maybe sheep knew how to live forever. Maybe hamsters were aliens. Maybe, maybe, maybe –
The phone lit up in his hands as he pressed a button. He needed… needed… needed
"Hello?"
Oh Christ why had he called her?
"M-Mic-aela?"
A long silence.
"Ianto?"
"H-Help…" he mumbled into the phone. He was pressing it into his face so hard he was almost eating it.
"Ianto what is it? What do you want?"
"He –Help." he gasps. He sees black edging in on his vision. Oh God he's going blind.
"Ianto, Ianto where are you?"
"D –dunno. Don't –don't feel good. Can't see… sorry." He can't hold the phone up anymore. It slips from his hands. He can't move. He's going to die.
Owen will be pleased.
Blackness.
Yet there are voices.
Someone calls his name.
The voices fade away…
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
He felt warm.
That's strange.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Something soft under his back, his head, his hands.
"Uh…"
His eyes felt too heavy to open. But then a hand touched his fingers. It made him jump and his eyes opened a crack. With supreme effort he forced his eyes to open properly. He was in a dimly lit room, on a bed with rails. He was in a hospital. The smell alone gave it away. His head ached, but he kept his eyes open and looked to his right.
"Michaela…"
Michaela smiled tremulously down at him, her hand resting on his as she leaned forward.
"Heya." she murmured, "How're you feelin'?"
"… Rough."
"Well I'm not surprised. Do you remember what happened?"
Ianto shook his head. Michaela perched on the edge of the bed, pressed her lips together for a moment, and then took hold of his hand properly.
"You called me and said you needed help. I was able to get your phone tracked, and I found you on the street unconscious. You'd overdosed on some drug. Ianto you nearly died! What were you thinking taking that stuff?"
"What do you care?" asked Ianto croakily, "You threw me out."
"That doesn't mean I don't care!" she snapped, letting go of his hand. "You really scared me tonight. And you of all people should understand why I got so upset at Christmas. Am I not allowed get upset?"
"… no, you are allowed. But you didn't trust me."
"Ianto, can't you understand that me even trusting you enough to be alone with you is almost more than I can manage? Why did you kiss me?"
"'Cause I felt good!" he croaked, lifting his head and coughing as his dry throat caught the rest of his words. Michaela picked up a cup and held the straw to his lips.
"Drink." she said quietly. Ianto did so, sipping at the refreshing water. As she set the water down, she sighed and sat on the edge of the bed again. She pushed her hair out of her face and looked at the wall. "Ianto… can't you see that I can't have that kind of relationship? Can't you understand why I'm scared of it?"
Ianto sighed and nodded, "I do understand. And I am sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I wasn't trying to… it wasn't like that though."
"Well what was it like?"
Ianto swallowed and looked at the ceiling, "Can I sit up?"
"Yeah, here I'll help you."
The bed was adjusted, and Michaela put another pillow behind his head. Ianto shifted, getting comfy again, and then, looking at his hands in his lap, he murmured. "It's been a long time since I've felt safe and warm, and when I woke up with you… it was just… look, I know it's not easy for you to be close to people, but I was so grateful to you for how you made me feel and I just wanted to show it. I know it was the wrong thing to do for you… but I just-"
"Ok, ok. Calm down." she soothed, squeezing his hand. "I get it. I do. And for what it's worth, I am sorry for how badly I reacted. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions, but you just scared me…"
To Ianto's horror, she had tears in her eyes. He reached up and touched her cheek feebly.
"Don't cry. Please don't cry. You know I'm useless with that."
Michaela gave a soft chuckle and wiped her face. Ianto licked his dry lips and then said,
"Look. Why don't we… why don't we blame the vodka? It was the vodka and whatever else we drank."
Drawing in a shaky breath, Michaela nodded, touching his hand again. "Yeah, ok. Blame the vodka."
Ianto felt relieved. And then to his embarrassment, he realised he really wanted to kiss her again. He stomped down on the urge and pulled his hand away, blushing furiously. Michaela tilted her head to the side and then reached out to touched his forehead, making him jump.
"You're warm. Should I get the nurse?"
"No, no I'm ok… I just… need some sleep."
"Oh, ok then." Michaela hopped off the bed and picked up her coat. "I'll leave you to-"
Ianto's hand snapped out before he knew what he was doing, grabbing her arm and pulling her back. Michaela's breath caught and she went ridged, dropping her eyes to the floor. Ianto let go at once.
"Sorry." he sighed, "Just… stay. Please."
Licking her lips nervously, Michaela lifted her eyes and met his. After a few moments she nodded and touched his fingers, skimming over the backs for a moment.
"Ok… I can do that."
Ianto turned his hand over and squeezed her fingers, smiling up at her even as his eyes stung. "Thank you."
Michaela sat down in the chair by the bed and leaned back into it. Then she squirmed and leant forward, resting her head on her folded arms. Ianto swallowed and clenched his hands to keep them from doing anything stupid. A heavy silence fell between them as they stared at each other. Ianto coughed, and then said,
"So… did you manage to get rid of all the paint?"
Michaela's lip curled into something like a smile, "Yeah. I spent all day cleaning after… well."
"Yeah."
They were quiet for a while, letting the hum of the drip fill the room. Michaela yawned and rubbed her cheek against her forearm and Ianto swallowed.
"Hey…" he murmured, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice.
"Mmm?"
"What time is it?"
"5:30 am."
"Fuck… so… it's the New Year eh?"
"Yep."
"Huh. Great way to start."
"Well… are you going to do this again?"
Ianto looked at her carefully, and swallowed,
"What do you mean?"
"All of it. The drugs, the sex… I can't understand why you would let someone do to you what Blaine would force me into."
Ianto winced, that had never really occurred to him.
"It's different."
"But why would you want it at all?" she asked, a tremor in her voice. Ianto shrugged as best he could. Against his own volition his hand came up and touched her hair. A sharp intake of breath was the only reaction he got and then Michaela relaxed into the touch, sighing softly.
"I don't know why, ok? It just… gives me a fix."
"A fix should not be something you chase. It means you don't have control of your life."
Pinching a lock of hair between his thumb and forefinger, Ianto rubbed the soft strands thoughtfully.
"Maybe… but I don't know if I can…"
Her hand came up and grabbed his wrist, holding it to her. "New Year, new life, new pattern."
"Not so simple."
"Then find something to keep you occupied and away from that stuff."
Panic flared deep in Ianto's stomach, and it must have shown on his face because Michaela lifted her head and then moved so she was perched on the edge of the bed.
"What if I gave you something to keep yourself busy?"
Ianto blinked up at her, frowning in confusion. "Like what?"
"Well… remember we said touch was ok, and that maybe we'd try to get past our hang-ups with each other."
"Yeah…"
Michaela drew in a deep breath, gulping as her fingers twisted around each other. Then she swooped down and kissed his lips for two seconds before swinging back to her sitting position. Ianto gaped at her, mouth hanging open as he tried to understand.
"Did… did you just kiss me?"
"I think I did." Her face was flushed with colour, embarrassed laughter escaping her lips like a sigh. "Well, it distracted you, didn't it?"
"Definitely." said Ianto, wide-eyed. Licking his lips he realised there was a tiny amount of sweet lip balm left on the soft skin. He got a whiff of the flavour, but he could not place it. He shifted so he was sitting up properly and reached out, catching her cheek and pulling her to him. Michaela gasped in surprise, but did not resist as he pressed his lips to hers. Her lips felt chapped like before, but they had been smoothed over by the lip balm. A warmth spread through Ianto from his lower belly as his hand slid to the back of her neck as he moved his lips against hers.
Then, feeling bold, Ianto flicked his tongue out and touched her lips with it. Michaela jumped and pulled back, bright red and looking alarmed.
"Apples!" said Ianto with a sense of triumph.
"Wh-what?"
"Your lip balm stuff, it's apple flavoured."
"Oh, yeah." Michaela flushed even deeper and nodded, touching her lips. "I like apples."
"That was ok, wasn't it? I mean… you didn't mind it?"
"N-No, you just caught me off guard. I mean, I know I kissed you first, but-"
"Tongue too much?"
"At the risk of sounding like an eight year old… kinda." Michaela looked away, her eyes dropping to the floor.
"Sorry."
"No. My fault. Shouldn't have… I just wanted to…"
"Distract me?" asked Ianto, wanting to reach out and touch her, but afraid she would bolt.
"Yeah. I mean. I wanted to… to make it ok. And I wanted to suggest… but, I dunno if… I dunno."
The blush had filled her face, travelling down her neck and she was twisting her fingers again.
"Are you… are you trying to say we should… start dating or something?" asked Ianto, fighting a yawn. He was tired, but he refused to give in to the urge to sleep until he was sure that they were ok again.
"I dunno, maybe. I mean… we get on well, and it's not like… well, you're pretty good looking." Ianto wasn't sure how much redder she could go, but he was catching up with her now.
"Thanks. I… I have to be honest… I think I've fancied you for a while. I mean… I think you're really nice. But I wasn't sure-"
"I'm not sure either." she muttered, drawing her knees up.
"So… what the hell are we doing?"
"I don't know!" she groaned, burying her face in her hands.
Ianto swallowed and placed his hand on her shoulder, "Look. I like you. I do. And… when you sent me away, it hurt. So I guess that means I don't wanna lose you."
"I did miss having you to talk to. I don't have anyone else except Archie."
"And I've got no one else at all."
"So… what do we do?"
"I…" Ianto's words were cut off when he yawned like a lion. Michaela looked up and smiled shyly at him.
"You need to sleep. This isn't the time to be talking about this stuff. You're not in any condition."
"I'm ok."
"No. You need sleep. You could have died tonight."
"Sorry for scaring you."
She smiled and squeezed his fingers. "Just don't do it again, ok?"
Ianto was not sure if he could make that kind of promise. But Michaela was staring at him with big green eyes and she looked so worried for him that he did not think he could have refused her anything at that moment.
"Ok. I promise." he murmured, squeezing her fingers back.
"Right. Now… go to sleep, the nurse will be in to check on you soon anyway."
Michaela helped him readjust the bed so it wasn't as high up and Ianto settled down into the mattress. He closed his eyes and sighed as he relaxed. Then he opened one eye to see Michaela trying to get comfy in the chair.
"Come here." he murmured.
"What?" she looked a little like a deer caught in the headlights.
"There's enough room on this bed for both of us if we squeeze together."
"I'm fine."
"No you're not. C'mon. You look as tired as I feel."
Michaela hesitated, but then stood up and toed off her shoes. Ianto shifted sideways, closer to his I.V. so she wouldn't get tangled in the tube as she climbed in. He pulled the covers over the both of them and then hesitated, wondering where to put his arm.
"It's ok." Michaela murmured in a tiny voice, her back to his chest. Ianto was sure it really was not ok, but he let his arm rest on her waist anyway, ready to pull it off if she said so. She said nothing, and after a few moments, relaxed under his touch. Her hair was tickling Ianto's face, but he really did not mind. In the darkened room they lay together, the hum of the I.V. and their quiet breathing the only sound in the room.
Then Ianto squeezed her gently and whispered,
"Thank you."
The strange thing was, he was not sure what he was thanking her for.
But he was sure of his delight, when Michaela shyly linked her fingers with his.
A/N: I started this Coda over a year ago, but I was only able to finish it now, because nothing else was getting done. I promise I am trying to get another chapter up for the main story, and that there will be a one-shot of Owen and Tosh's first date for my lovely banner maker uld-numb3rs, not to mention the sequel so there is plenty to come, but I figured that this would be something of a tie-over until I can get back to the main fic.
I know that janto is the fave relationship in this universe, but comments are love especially in regards to the relationship between Ianto and Michaela.
Night's Darkness