Disclaimer: I assume you're intelligent enough to know I don't own Harry Potter. I do own the lamp though. I'm rating this T for the fourth paragraph. *snort*
For parody purposes, here's a super serious one-shot between Snape, Dumbledore and.. wait for it...A LAMP! Hope you like!
As Severus Snape strode towards his desk to begin the most dreaded lesson of the day with the slytherins and the horrible gryffindor, a familiar lamp found its way into his mind, as it always did. The lamp was wearing lovely golden drapes that complemented its delicate rose hue. All day, he thought longingly of the gorgeous lamp, with its warm glow illuminating an office. After cleaning the debris of the what once was the fourth cauldron of a failure called Neville Longbottom, he could at last go and visit his love. A grin slowly spread across his face.
He remembered this lamp, long nights in the firelight, days of spring on hills of beauty, The day they had first met at the antique store. He had gone to the antique store for a tea set for his mothers birthday, but when that beauty had been set into his heart, he could barely resist temptation to purchase the wonder... In the end, he gave it as a gift to a friend, but again, their paths crossed.
He opened the door and entered swiftly, closing it silently behind him. He eased open a charmed box, and the sound of piano wafted out and serenaded the secret lovers. He swiftly brought the lamp close to his chest. His cloak swayed about the room. A tear he hadn't meant to release found its way down his cheek as he danced with his love. It was the most beautiful lamp Severus Snape had laid his eyes on.
Severus held the lamp gently in his arms, pressing soft butterfly kisses onto its porcelain surface as he stroked its porcelain surface.
"You are the only one that may ever carve a hole in my heart..." Severus swooned. The lamp said nothing.
"You always know just what to say to ease my aching heart, my darling." Severus whispered. "Our love is a forbidden one, but a true one, one that threatens to consume my heart with longing."
Suddenly, Albus burst open the door and boomed "Severus!" Severus froze, his eyes wide with shock and embarrassment. Albus strode over and said "Please leave my lamp on my desk."
Severus replaced the lamp, his eyes glistening with tears. He stormed out of the room, hiding his tear stained face from the headmaster. Albus sighed. "Poor guy. He really needs a girlfriend..."
"Or a boyfriend!" said Albus as he ripped his clothes from his pulsating body and began thrusting back and forth in a suggestive manor with his ancient privates, covered in wrinkles, flapping around like the carcass of a trout, constricted only by the wet cloth of his underwear.
Severus, who had been taking one last look at his love through the keyhole, lurched over the handrail of the staircase and emptied his stomach of its contents in disgust at the scene he had just witnessed.
Harry's face was ejected from the pensive and chunks of vomit mixed in with the silvery-grey substance that was the memories of Severus Snape. He instantly donned his invisibility cloak and ran back to the shrieking shack. When he arrived at his destination, he kneeled over the carcass of Severus Snape and softly uttered "What the f***, man?"