Summary: Kylo Ren could be content with his life. He has finally given in to his desire for Hux, and found it returned. But he wants more than the stolen moments of rough, violent sex he permits them. He wants tenderness and love, he wants to stop pushing Hux away. Only, how can he still call himself a Dark Side user if he shows vulnerability? It can't be. It won't do. And it's not like Hux would even want him. Right? He's trying to hold himself together, but this status quo won't hold. Something's gotta give, or he will surely go mad. Kink meme fill.

Author's Notes: Warning for rough and possibly violent sex, otherwise this fic might just drown you in Kylo angsting
Written for tfa-kink, to the wonderful prompt: Hux/Kylo, identity crisis during sex. Kylo has ideas about what it means to have sex when practicing the dark side. He thinks it has to be brutal, angry, painful-sex that leaves him even darker than before. But with Hux, he doesn't want that. He just wants to be kissed and held and loved...but he doesn't know how to do that while still drawing his power from the dark side. Much angst ensues.
Smuttier chapters will be cut on FF Net, you will be able to read the uncensored version on AO3.

A Tender Yearning

Chapter 1: Hold On

Their gasps and moans mingled, ever faster, louder, more desperate until Hux tried to slip a hand between the sheets and his own body to stroke himself to completion.

With a growl, Kylo snatched his wrists in an iron grip and slammed them down on the mattress above Hux's head. "I didn't say you could!" Hux's spine arched underneath him as he tried to buck him off in indignation, curses spewing from his lips. Kylo's retaliation came hard and fast with a bite on his shoulder that fell just short of drawing blood, though it failed to silence him.

The Dark Side burned hot within him, fed by a desire that was so much more than lust. He needed to possess, to mark, to brand himself so deep into Hux's very bones that he would never be able to shake him.

Orgasm hit them hard and fast, Hux's drawing Kylo's along when his muscles clenched around him and yanked him over the edge.

They rode it out and then they laid there, utterly motionless except for the heaving of their chests with every gasp for air. Underneath him Kylo could feel Hux trembling from exhaustion. Kylo could feel the minute shifts of his body, pressed into the mattress by Kylo's own weight. Their sweat-slick bodies exuded heat, though nothing burned hotter than the intimacy where their bodies remained joined. Even now that he was softening within him, Hux was still incredibly hot and tight around him.

While he remained still otherwise, Kylo released Hux's wrists. He clenched sweaty hands that ached from the strength of his hold on Hux's wrists, revealing new finger-shaped bruises. He was always careful to grip him so high on his forearms that all marks would certainly be covered by his uniform sleeves.

Emotion flickered over his face, he closed his eyes against the sight of the stark bruises scattered on Hux's pale skin and swallowed hard, grateful only that Hux couldn't see the conflict showing so openly on his face. His breath sped up again with something bordering panic. This was why he preferred to hide behind the mask. He'd never been any good at hiding his emotions when it mattered most.

"Ren?"

Kylo nearly winced. Hux sounded almost as uncertain as he felt. Their intimate closeness was suddenly more than he could bear, making Kylo jerk away as if burned. Hux hissed with pain as he roughly pulled out of him and that did it, Kylo did winced this time. "Hux, are you…"

He snapped his mouth shut and stomped to the far end of his quarters, uncaring of his nakedness, or his state of disarray, of everything. The only thing that mattered was the weakness burning inside him.

Concern.

And still, even after they had torn into another like rabid dogs, this damnable longing for some intangible more.

He peered over his shoulder, face twisted into a scowl just in case Hux would be looking. But of course the General wasn't, he was methodically collecting his clothes as if he had already moved on. A strand of hair fell into his eyes as he leaned down to grab a sock. Dishevelled and sweat-slick, still exhausted from sex, he looked softer, and far more attainable than under any other circumstances.

Kylo bit down on his bottom lip to stifle an agonized groan. His heart ached with the desire to walk over and brush that errant strand out of his eyes. He could vividly picture himself, just like had pictured it so often both awake and in his dreams. That one day he would have the courage to return to his side after he had fled, that he would run his fingers through Hux's hair without the excuse of yanking on it, that he could kiss him for no other reason than because he wanted another taste of his sweet kisses.

Kylo clenched his hands into fists.

His eyes found the molten helmet. Deep in his bones he could feel the wordless accusation it exuded.

"Next time, don't be so weak," Kylo growled, "and now get out."

There came a heavy sigh from the bed. "Ren…"

Kylo turned around, finding him mostly dressed, but still so tantalizingly dishevelled. He must have been in the process of buttoning his shirt, but now he was looking at Kylo with a conflicted expression which was impossible to read.

Hux stood up in a motion that was graceful and fluid even though Kylo knew for a fact he had to be in pain. They had been anything but gentle. He sighed again, it sounded very disgruntled this time. "Look, Ren…"

"No." Kylo snatched up his outer robe and hastily wrapped himself in it, he didn't like feeling so vulnerable, utterly naked while Hux already looked the part of the General again. "No," he ground out between clenched teeth, "I won't look and I won't listen… I told you to get out of here!" His voice grew louder and harsher with every word as the fury that simmered only ever barely beneath the surface rose up in him. He embraced it, submerged himself in it.

Maybe this wretched yearning would cease if he drowned it in fury.

Kylo's eyes hardened. "We fucked. We're done. Now get out." His fingers twitched, calling his lightsaber to him from where it had been discarded when Hux smashed his hand against the wall and made him release it. Kylo clenched his teeth at the memory. Hux was becoming far too cocky. Somehow he had gotten into his head that Kylo would never hurt him.

Unfortunately, he was right.

"I take it you're going to swing your sword at me if I don't?" Hux inquired archly. Oh yes, he was already every bit the General again. "Spare me your childishness." He smoothed his hair back, the last step to looking like himself again. "I don't know what you're expecting, but I wouldn't stay and deal with your histrionics if you paid me."

Kylo waited for the but he could sense hanging in the air, yet Hux remained silent. He did the same, and so they just stood there, glowering at another with barely restrained hostility.

All he had wanted was to fall asleep in Hux's arms, and here they were again, just one small step from violence.

Hux shook his head and breezed out of the room without another word.

Kylo kept gazing at the door long after Hux had disappeared through it. He felt strangely disappointed by his anticlimactic departure, and indeed very childish.

He sank down onto the edge of the bed, face buried in his hands.

It had been a sound plan within the confines of his own mind.

He had figured he could let himself have Hux, could twist this weakness, this pull towards Lighter, gentler yearnings into something which would fuel his anger. As long as being with Hux fed the Dark Side within him he could permit himself this sole indulgence.

That had been the plan. No plan ever survived the first encounter with the enemy.

It wasn't enough. Violent fights followed by more violent fucks were satisfying in their own way, but they were never enough. Sating his carnal desires only left him more aware of the hunger that remained unquenched.

Kylo trailed his fingers over the fading yellow bruises marking his thighs and hips. There was no saying who would come out on top of their struggles. It was one of the things he liked best about being with Hux. For all that their strengths were very different, they were equals. The unpredictability of their encounters had kept him coming back for more even before he admitted to more tender feelings. The only thing certain was that Kylo would be alone in the end.

He had thought Hux would feed his darkness, but nowadays the only strength in the Dark Side gained was spawned by the frustration of denying himself what he truly wanted. And yet he couldn't stop; to have Hux's body and his hostility was better than to have nothing at all.

He got up from the bed and dressed quickly, driven by disgust at his own maudlin thoughts and the weakness they signified. It was time to lose himself in the practiced movements of lightsaber training. Unlike his own emotions this, at least, Kylo Ren could control.

to be continued...