H e r e . W i t h o u t . Y o u .
~ Another Chris POV fic. ~
YES IT'S EMO AGAIN! D; -Slits wrists.- Jk. =/
AN : Yes. I felt the need to write another sad Chris fic. DAMN ME AND MY FEELINGS! D:
I had recently been studying all of the files in RE5. [ Yes! I have no life! : 3 ]
And it really made me think...so here it goes.
Takes place after Jill fell out of the window. [ Not S H A T T E R E D. ] - It's before S H A T T E R E D . -
During the first three months she had been gone.
RE5, Chris, Jill, and yes, even Wesker does not belong to me. 3 Belongs to CapCom.
Song : Here without you - Three doors down.
[ Yes, I love that band! : 3 ]
[ A hundred days have made me older.
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face.
A thousand lies have made me colder.
And I don't think I can look at this the same.
But all the miles that separate.
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face. ]
Is it wrong that I haven't cried?
In my heart, I had desperately wanted to just throw it all away.
To just...release...but even if I tried....I always seemed to fail.
It has been three days. Three long days of my life.
And I have come to a realization.
I can't live without her.
I can't count the times during the past few days that our teams have scouted the area over and over and over again...and we're still going back...day turns into night...sun turns to rain..
Nothing.
No closure.
No ripped clothes.
No wallet.
No gun.
Not even a body.
It felt as though my heart had been ripped open.
I blamed myself for it.
When I wasn't trying to be strong in front of the others...I would sit here. In my bed. And think.
Loathe myself for allowing Jill to make that ultimate sacrifice.
Scorn myself for not being able to be strong enough to just arrest Wesker.
WHY?
Why did it have to be like this?
I remember, and keep going back to that time..when I first met Jill.
When I first told her about my old Air Force days.
When she told me about being in her previous S.T.A.R.S team...
I even remember when sometimes during nightshifts..if she seemed to feel lonely..she would just wander to me and start talking about anything.
The news.
The weather...
UGH.
I cleached my bare chest again.
These bones were weary.
But I knew I had to keep on pressing on.
It was hard not being able to greive.
I watched tons of people....fellow comrades who didn't even know her that long...just...cry...but I couldn't.
And I didn't know why...so it made me hate myself even more...
[
I'm here without you baby.
But you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby.
And I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby.
But you're still with me in my dreams.
And tonight it's only you and me. ]
Restless. I would toss and turn.
The days grew longer and longer. The search continued.
I knew there had to be something..some clue.
Jill would never just run off.....but we still couldn't find a body.
We searched the ocean, partially because they said it was just too vast for us to search the entire thing...so where could have she gone?
We never found any trace of Wesker either.
The only body found on the scene was of Spencer..and it looked like something had been thrust into his chest and out the other side.
I rolled over again.
It had been nearly a week now since Jill's `` death ``.
And something in me didn't want to think about it...but I couldnt get my thoughts off of it.
No sign of any tears.
Everyday, when we would gather back to see if there had been any results to our searching...I could tell by the looks on their faces that nothing turned up.
But it didn't seem like they were sad...as sad as me.
No one knew Jill like me.
Partners since 1996.
Even when we weren't physically together she would send me an e-mail or call me with news.
It was lonely..
I could feel my heart sink more into a void each day. But it made me stronger.
It made me want to destroy bioterrorism even more.
So I did.
More missions.
I was surpassing half of the force by now...
But I was just a bomb waiting to explode...
[ The miles just keep rollin'.
As the people leave their way to say hello.
I've heard this life is overrated.
But I hope that it gets better as we go. ]
By a few weeks I was getting used to the heart wrenching pain I would feel after no results in our search for Jill Valentine.
It would just mean more nights of restless sleep.
More visions of her face in my dreams.
And this void...would just stretch and go.
I was walking around town earlier and I saw a couple holding hands...I nearly thought I was going to cry...but it held itself in.
I don't know what it is...but I STILL can't cry..
It made me angry at first...but I just let it fall into the void.
I didn't want to admit it ..but I think I was starting to lose faith...
There was no way she could have survived that fall from that cliff.
Too deep...rocks at the bottom..
It just didn't make sense.
I began finding myself praying to God that there was something..that something..anything would turn up.
I clutched my hair in my hands.
I threw myself against a wall, fell down it. And leaned there my head looking out the window at the cloudy sky.
I searched alone today.
The team was beginning to falter a bit.
I knew that they didn't think she was alive...but I had a feeling..that maybe she was.
Or maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me.
Something to believe in...
in my time of need...
[
I'm here without you baby.
But you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby.
And I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby.
But you're still with me in my dreams.
And tonight girl its only you and me. ]
Almost two months.
No tears.
I felt like a horrible person.
The void had succumed my heart by now...but it didn't mean I didn't feel.
I still continued on with my missions.
I surpassed the ordinary by now.
I was doing it all for Jill.
Hoping something would turn up.
Nights of prayers unasnwered.
I had a bit of faith left...but I didn't know how much longer I could struggle.
I kept feeling like I was going to cry..but it still wouldn't come out.
Did I do something to suffer like this?
I don't remember.
I had recieved an e-mail from Claire earlier...I guess I must have made her depressed too...
I still have my sister.
But I know she could sense the void..even if it was just text.
I took another couple of sleeping pills.
Flopped onto my bed.
I tried closing my eyes again but the images of Jill were just too much...
The pills were the only thing that let me sleep..
My heart wrenched in my chest.
I felt sick again.
[
Everything I know, and anywhere I go.
It gets hard but it wont take away my love.
And when the last one falls.
When it's all said and done.
It gets hard but it wont take away my love. ]
Three long...months of suffering.
Denial.
Pain.
But still no tears.
November 23d 2006 was the date.
The offically pronounced Jill Valentine dead.
Her `` funeal`` was tomorrow...I debated on going.
There wasnt' a body.
So what closure was there?
Even if they didn't help me in my search..in my spare time..I would be searching for her.
Always...
I didn't want to give up.
But the void just seemed to be growing too big.
Eating me alive from the inside out.
I could feel my heart dying slowly...like I was sick with some permanent illness.
I had never felt this agony before.
I never really knew my parents very well...I had Claire...but it was now like half of me died with her that night.
`` God.
If you can hear me...
All I want is Jill back. ``
I squeezed my hands together and slammed my head against them.
The last bit of my hope was gone...
[
I'm here without you baby.
But you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby.
And I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby.
But you're still with me in my dreams.
And tonight girl its only you and me. ]
`` She was a brave agent. Rest in peace Jill Valentine. ``
I had been spacing during the entire funeral and now I found myself sitting next to her empty grave.
It was getting late out, still no moon because of the dark, black clouds.
Just like my heart felt like.
I had finally let the void take over.
I tried to keep moving on..but it was too hard.
I still hadn't cried.
I haven't greived like I should...no matter how hard I wanted it..how desperate I needed it.
It still wouldn't come.
And she had never returned.
I had been kneeling here for hours.
After the preist and final guests left.
Her family didn't know that there wasn't a body in the coffin.
I thought the BSAA was sick for doing that.
Tell them the truth.
Tell them you couldn't find not even a shred of clothing.
We found shards of glass from the window...but no blood.
No trace.
People can't just dissapear.
I rested my final rose ontop of he stone.
She was the best partner anyone could ever ask for.
Talented at everything she did.
She was a kind, amazing woman and she would never be forgotten.
`` I'll always visit you Jill.. Rest in peace..``
So many things I had left unsaid.
So many feelings I had bottled up inside.
But I had to keep pushing on.
I felt water on my face..just a droplet...
Was I crying?
Could I finally grieve?
...Wait...I looked up, staring into the bleak night sky...no.
It wasn't a tear.
It was the start of rain.
The first droplet to start the storm.
And then it all fell. I got soaked.
But I didn't care.
I traced one of my fingers across her name engraved on the marble stone.
`` You will be forever in my memories. ``
I stood, preparing to head back to my car.
And I realized...I realized that I was no better than a zombie..because....
My heart had died with her that night.
- The End. -