Fanfictionception 2: Jack's Bizarre Adventure
While falling to what appeared to be his death, I. secretly pulled out an umbrella that he had hidden inside the crotch part of his pants and used it as a parachute to float down to the surface unharmed.
"Those little buggers think they can outsmart the great and powerful sorcerer I. ?!" he scoffed. "I AM THE MOST POWERFUL MAGICIAN IN THE-" At that exact moment, he got struck by lightning.
"AHHahhAHHahhAHHahh!" he screamed as he got into skydiving position. "You may have outsmarted me this time, JACK...but I'll be BACK! I. ...never quits! YOU'LL SEEEEEE!"
Luckily, he landed on a giant mattress that someone had apparently just randomly left lying around in the forest, but then the mattress bounced him into the lake right next to it!
"GRR! You got mud on my suit...OH MY GOD, MY FACE, IT BURNS, IT BURNS!" he moaned irritatedly as he brushed himself off and spat out the water. "Hmm? What's this? It seems like I just randomly coughed up a fish. Well, might as well eat it, I suppose." And so Meen used his magic powers to cook the fish and eat it.
"Damnit, why must the weather be so insufferably rainy today?" he groaned. "I suppose moods really are contagious after all..."
ONE DAY LATER...
After being chased and hunted by a bear and a snake among other things, Meen finally reached the nearest outpost of human civilization, a large city called Quotopolis.
"Well, what do you know? That little pipsqueak Quote has one hell of an ego!" Meen chuckled. "I'll bet that some of his rabbit friends are also living here...heeheeheehee..."
AT QUOTOPOLIS HIGH SCHOOL...
"GEEZ! It sure is boring around here." Jack grumbled.
"My boy, this education is what all true warriors strive for!" Curly Brace explained; after all, she was the teacher of Jack's history and science class.
"Isn't she just the coolest teacher ever?" Sue whispered in Jack's ear.
"Yes, yes, I know..." Jack groaned. "I just wonder what I. is up to..."
"WHAT? I. ? Didn't we already defeat that sick bastard?" Sue responded with surprise.
"You never know...he might have had a parachute or something." Jack explained. "And if that crazy motherfucker comes back, we might not be able to beat him this time."
"Yeah, you're right!" Sue agreed, nodding her head. "Not only that, but he's also the reason why our good friend Toroko is stuck in the hospital with severe vaginal infection after what I unwillingly did to her under his control! Just thinking about that one moment scares the ever-loving shit out of me!"
"Yeah, me too." Jack replied. "Please don't make me vomit in the middle of class again..."
"...And that's how the United States of America got their first vice president." Curly finished. "Um, hello? Was anyone paying attention here? Raise your hand if you have something to add to this wonderfully exciting discussion, please!"
Balrog raised his hand. "Yes, Balrog?"
"I LIKE TURTLES!" Balrog answered.
"Yes you do, Balrog, yes you do." Curly sighed as the entire class snickered.
IN MATH CLASS...
"Alright, high school juniors, here's a practice problem." Quote addressed the class.
"What is 5 times 2 divided by one quarter of the cube root of 8 plus the square root of 4 minus 2 times 7 minus 6?" Quote asked. "You have one minute to give me the answer without taking notes. Come on, now, don't be shy."
"Uhh...TOASTED PENIS DONUTS!" Balrog blurted out.
"Alright, now let's try and get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard." Quote scolded him, giving him the evil eye.
"I think I know the answer, Mr. Quote!" Jack butted in, raising his hand high up in the air.
"NEENEENEENEENEENEENEE!" Misery mocked him.
"SHUT UP, witch girl!" Sue yelled at her.
"HEY! Don't call me a WITCH, you fuckin' WHORE!" Misery yelled back at Sue, gritting her teeth angrily. Everyone in the class gasped with shocked expressions on their faces.
"Misery, did you just say the F-word?" Quote asked her.
"Fuck?" Misery asked.
"Yeah, he's talking about fuck! You can't say fuck in school, you fuckin' psychopath!" Sue responded.
"SUE!" Quote yelled at her.
"Fuck."
"MISERY!"
"Duck."
"BALROG!"
"Fuck."
"JACK!"
"What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody! FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!" Misery teased.
"HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO SEE THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR?" Quote yelled at her, pointing his finger at the exit door.
"How would you like to suck my BALLS?" Misery responded fearlessly.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Quote yelled at her, shocked beyond belief.
"Oh, oh, I'm sorry." Misery apologized, readjusting her skirt. "What I said was..." At that exact moment, she cupped her hands over her mouth and used her magic power to channel her voice in a way similar to a megaphone.
"HOW WOULD YOU LIKE...to SUCK my BALLS, Mr. Quote?" Misery finished, jumping onto the top of her desk and pulling her pants down right in front of the class.
Quote was left utterly speechless and was just standing there frozen with shock, like someone who had just read a really bad Human X Gardevoir fanfic.
"Holy shit, dude." Sue whispered, her eyes wide open in disbelief at what she just saw. "That's gotta be at least the fourth time you've been sent to the principal's office..."
"Yeah right, more like the FIFTH..." Jack thought to himself as Misery got carried off to the principal's office by human resources.
"Anyway, speaking of balls, whoever raises his or her hand and answers this problem correctly first after I say 'go' gets to write the next problem on the board." Quote explained.
"Ready...get set...GO!"
Jack immediately raised his hand. "Ooo! Me me me!"
"Yes, Jack?" Quote sighed.
"Two!" Jack answered excitedly. "It's two! Yay! I know it cause I'm so smart!" he gloated.
"Hey, I knew the answer too, you know." Sue pointed out, giving Jack the evil eye. "So did everyone else, I'll bet."
"Uhh...MASHED POTATO CORN DOG CHICKEN LEG SUNDAE!" Balrog screamed maniacally.
"I stand corrected..." Sue sighed, shrugging her shoulders.
"Anyway, now that I'm done rolling my oh-so-precious eyeballs, I'd like to tell you all about a different problem of mine. Something that isn't related to math!" Jack explained to the class. "Is that alright with you, Quote?"
"Sure, go right on ahead." Quote agreed, nodding his head. "We've only got about five minutes left in the period anyways."
"Ahem..." Jack cleared his throat. "I've been writing this song for a while now, and I'd like you all to listen, if you don't mind. Well, here goes!"
"Now, here's a cave story, all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down!
And I'd like to take a minute, just feeling swell!
I'll tell you how I became the victim of fanfiction hell!
In Mimiga Island, born and raised, in the village is where I spent most of my days!
Hanging out, pointing my finger all day,
And all guarding some graveyard, whatever they say!
When a pedophile, who was up to no good,
Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood!
We didn't do anything, but the man was a dick!
He said, "My name is I. and my mind is so sick!
I begged and pleaded for him to let me out,
But he packed my suitcase and sent me on my way.
Sue gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket,
I put my glasses on, and said, "I might as well kick it!"
Holy shit, man, it was bad.
Eatin' from a place called Diarrhea Bell?!
Is this what the people of New York live like?
Hmmmmmmm. This might be alright.
But wait, I hear they're slutty, disgusting and shit,
Is Detroit the type of place they send this poor kid?
I don't think so, It's hurting my poor brain;
I hope they're prepared when I'm driven insane.
Well, Balrog told me, and lo and behold,
There was a girl who was clearly Sue scissoring with Toroko!
I don't wanna watch 2 Girls 1 Cup Rule 34!
I puked with the sickness and I fell on the floor!
I woke up in a house and it was a dump;
My friends became as useful as a donkey rump!
If anything I could say I was there to stay
But I thought, nah forget it, there's always a way!
We busted out there, it was easy as pie,
And I yelled to the asshole, 'Yo Meen, time to die!'
I was so happy, I was finally out;
Torturing me was all the book was about!"
Everyone clapped for him, even Balrog, who had just gotten his CPU back into order. "Oh yeah, that's right, I was the creepy-ass crossdresser in that story!"
"Balrog, when will you understand that they're laughing AT you rather than WITH you?" Quote sighed.
"Thank you for cramming that delightful image of you biting my dick off with your vagina into my BRAIN, Balrog." Jack sarcastically complimented him.
"You're welcome!" Balrog replied with a smile. "Also, remember how I bit your foot off all sexy-like and then replaced it with a cool robotic foot? And then I let you keep your old foot as a lucky rabbit's foot?"
"Oh yeah..." Jack remembered. "I originally had a plan to literally shove my disembodied foot up I. 's ass before I clawed the skin off of his face and pushed him off the cliff, but for some reason I forgot to do it. I'll remember to do it this time, I promise."
"Yay! You can never go wrong with senseless violence!" Balrog happily cheered, bouncing up and down like a kindergartener. "When I grow up, I wanna turn into Godzilla and knock all the buildings down! It'll be just like playing with all those adorable little toy blocks, except bigger, because bigger is always better! Oh my God, I'm so smart and mature now!"
"AHHG-"
"What's wrong, Jack?" Sue asked worriedly.
"Do you need to see the nurse?" Quote asked, wiping Jack's nosebleed with a tissue.
"Oh, it's nothing." Jack explained. "Just an aneurysm out of sheer stupidity."
"One day, I wanna go to Venus and build a snowman there." Balrog commented.
Jack screamed in agony, accidentally spraying blood all over Sue's face, and ended up being taken to the nurse, where he ended up having to get a transfusion.
"Oh my God, this is so gross...but at the same time, SO BEAUTIFUL!" Sue thought to herself; she had way too big of a crush on Jack for her own good.
"Sue, for fuck's sake, quit fantasizing, go to the bathroom and wash your face." Quote instructed her.
"You mean like this?" she asked, licking all over her face with her tongue. Everyone in the room ran screaming to the windows and puked. "What? It's perfectly normal! Nothing fetishistic about it!" Sue argued, crossing her arms over her chest.
"You...you're a vampire caveman from Mars!" Balrog accused her.
"She's a WOMAN!" the class corrected him, glancing over at him frustratedly.
"Well, how was I supposed to know, huh?" Balrog asked, shrugging his shoulders.
"Hey, guys, what'd I miss?" Jack greeted the class as he walked back in with tissues sticking out of his nose.
"GIVE ME THOSE TISSUES!" Sue yelled, lunging onto Jack's body, pinning him down flat onto the floor and yanking his tissues out forcefully.
"Ugh...what now?" Jack asked groggily and dizzily, with his glasses askew. "I knew I should've gotten more sleep last night."
"Why didn't you?" Sue asked.
"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Jack yelled. "Would you stop asking me that? A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, okay? Leave me alone!"
"How could I ever part with someone as...DELICIOUSLY handsome and beautifully attractive as you?" Sue began rabidly drooling from her mouth.
"EW, YUCK, STOP IT ALREADY!" Jack pleaded her to stop. "For crying out loud, you're drooling all over my god-damned glasses! I don't wanna get a frickin' eye infection, you know! Also...your breath smells like fish tacos."
"Well, that's good, because I WAS HONESTLY THINKING ABOUT EATING THESE WONDERFULLY DECORATED KETCHUP-FLAVORED NAPKIN CAKES FOR DESSERT!" Sue screamed maniacally in his face. "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!" she yelled as she shredded the napkins with her razor-sharp canine teeth and swallowed them.
"She must have eaten the roses outside or some shit..." Jack thought to himself. "God damn it, man, seriously, I EXPLICITLY TOLD her NEVER to pull that shit again!"
"Oh, you found my photo album book of you!" Sue suddenly noticed, snatching the book out of his hands. "Touch the book."
"LICK THE BOOK..." she psychotically chanted to herself, ogling the pages rather excessively with bloodshot eyes while simultaneously foaming at the mouth with excitement.
"Lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book. Book, book, book, book, book...yeah, I haven't read it either. Girls with ADHD, they aren't good readers." Sue rambled for no apparent reason.
"Well, why don't you just FUCK THE BOOK, then?!" Jack snapped at her, snatching the steel-plated hardcover book out of her hands and clonking her in the forehead with it, causing her to pass out.
"Okay, seriously, what in the seven HELLS was that shit about?" Jack wondered. "I never thought Sue could turn out to be such a creepy-ass stalker!"
"I think there's something wrong with her." Quote pointed out. "She acted as if she was a vampire or something. Let's check her teeth and see."
To everyone's immediate horror, Sue had curved razor-sharp canine teeth!
"I have a feeling that that I. person I was talking about before might have something to do with this..." Jack explained.
"What should we do?" Quote wondered.
"I know!" Balrog piped up. "Let's make a nice big ice cream shop on the moon with ketchup-flavored teddy bears and licorice lollipops! Don't forget the garlic..."
"Unless you're starving in Africa, YOU NEED...to SHUT! the FUCK! UP!" Jack yelled at him, pointing his finger at him for emphasis. "Seriously!"
"Wait a minute, that's it!" Quote realized. "Could the illustrator please insert a lightbulb effect right above my head like...so? There, perfect."
"Anyway, as utterly...mentally defective as Balrog is, he didn't fail to mention garlic!" Quote explained. "Whether it was intentional or not, I have no idea..."
"But where are we gonna find GARLIC around here?" Jack asked, scratching his head.
"That's a good question, BOOKWORM!" a strangely familiar voice taunted him, stepping in through the doorway; Jack turned around to see who it was.
"OH MY GOD, IT'S HIM!" the entire class screamed.